is trauma bonding real?

[seenr]

In a strange place mentally this evening.

I had a session with my counsellor and found it good but I also told her how I stayed in all weekend to avoid contact with the outside world and process feelings. She commended me for confronting pain and feelings but advised me to start getting out.

We spoke a lot about my ex tonight (who I suspect in BPD/NPD). I told her that the last couple of times I collected my son, ex looked drained, broken. I told her how in past break ups I had painted her black but not this time. I told her I have operated a scorched earth policy save only for arrangements with son.

As I spoke about my ex, how I feel about her, things she has done, the counsellor kept saying 'why would you want to be with her'. I answered that she is gorgeous, funny, can be kind. She asked me 'what % of time was she kind?' So I said to son 80%, to me 30% to her daughter 10%. I told her how much money I was contributing to the relationship and she was shocked and said it was unsustainable.

We also spoke about my childhood, being a fixer and how I have an inner voice saying 'you're not good enough' which makes me need external validation.

Above all else I don't know why I am so bonded to the person who has hurt me most in the world. The things she has done have left deep emotional scars yet still I have a guylt feeling telling me I will never be able to have a relationship with anyone else. My mind keeps thinking 'trauma bonds' and I feel guilt, shame, inadequacy, for being bonded to something toxic (relationship).

Have any of you felt this before? It feels like it has got worse over the past week but I know it is moving in waves. I am at my physically fittest in 15 years. At 42 I am 3.5 stone lighter than when I was 40. I am doing weights, feel my looks are improving, I am comfortable money wise. I own a house have a lovely son who I adore, Yet I crave contact from my ex and there is no chance of me breaking NC as I don't want to be manipulated and think if I initiated contact it would be manipulated.

Why this bond?

[atomic popsicles]

I haven't read all the responses. I'm almost 3 weeks separated, and yes. I feel that way.


I am the first response. Something your counselor said struck me- the percentage of time our srbxs were kind. Wow. To his son, 90-95%. To my kids, 60-70% . He was so delusional before he left that he wanted to be alone to communicate telepathically with others, so of the time he would spend with me, probably 50- 60%, but that's less than 45 min a day. The last few days... .maybe 15-20%  Ouch.

[thisagain]

Hi Seenr,

I think we've all felt that way. I had a therapist during my BPD relationship who told me it was like gambling. Even if your ex was only kind to you 30% of the time, that made it more exciting, almost addictive, to stay in the relationship in case today is one of the 30%. That's even more true in relationships with pwBPD, that tend to have higher highs and lower lows. In fact there are scientific studies that show our brains after a breakup are similar to an addict going through withdrawals: The Biology and Neuroscience of Breaking Up.

Making it even harder, a lot of us come from families where we were not shown consistent love and kindness. We really didn't think that we were "good enough" to be loved and shown kindness all the time. So it feels familiar, and in a way comfortable, to be yelled at one day and hugged and loved the next. That might even feel more like "love" to us than being consistently treated with kindness and respect.

Sounds like you are on the right track with your counseling and taking care of yourself physically. When you feel that urge to break NC, feel free to come post and read here instead, and we'll all help each other get through it

[Meili]

Yes, I have felt the trauma bonds with my uBPDexgf. In fact, I'm dealing with them right now as I type this.

I keep reminding myself that the emotions that I'm feeling are simply the result of my brain being in crisis-mode. It is sensing danger and reacting to it. Experiencing the emotions and figuring out the danger that is being sensed is helping me to remain calm and keep my thoughts in check.

Can you figure out what danger you're might be worried about?

[sweet tooth]

Yes, it's very real. Part of me is disgusted by my exBPD and part of me misses her and wants her back.

[Herodias]

Yes, very much so... .Read about it. There is also possibility of not wanting to be alone which is a codepedancy issue- keeping you longing for your ex. Talk these over with your therapist.

[seenr]

Thank you all for the replies. I am glad others can relate to this.

The point below about the families is a good one. Both my ex & I came from families where our parents argued a lot and there was a cycle of argument/makeup/argument, so we saw the dynamic of being happy, then upset. I know for me, I've tried to reverse that trend in my relationships as it was a factor in a previous one. With my recent ex, I realised that a lot of her reactions & thoughts were not like other people so tried to grow & adjust to not add to a row if she raged. For example, I'd try to answer her questions quickly, knowing they were leading to a point where she could explode and I'd try not to have her think I was giving her silent treatment. But it was like she could see me adjusting & began to complain about how I adjusted. I think a growth mindset and looking to improve the relationship is healthy but she seemed to think that I was no longer what she was looking for - when she couldn't describe what she was looking for.

Every ounce of my now is in a place where I want her back, but I'm fighting that 100%. The Counsellor & I have done work where if she did ask for a re-kindling, I have 5 boundaries in place that I would be asking my ex to look at. One of these is counselling where it would be an open forum. We had previously sought counselling while she was pregnant & I gave up trying to put my side across as my ex was getting so upset in the sessions that any point I made was having a negative effect on her. Another is that the aggression/violence would need to be tackled.

I don't foresee my ex ever wanting to tackle these things so we are also working towards a future completely without her. That is scary and the words 'it's over' scare me so much as the thoughts of never kissing her, holding her or sharing a laugh ever again almost paralyse me with fear. But you know what, I really need to delve deeper into why I am so bonded to this woman, the highs & lows are just too much and I'd prefer more balance.

Making it even harder, a lot of us come from families where we were not shown consistent love and kindness. We really didn't think that we were "good enough" to be loved and shown kindness all the time. So it feels familiar, and in a way comfortable, to be yelled at one day and hugged and loved the next. That might even feel more like "love" to us than being consistently treated with kindness and respect.

Sounds like you are on the right track with your counseling and taking care of yourself physically. When you feel that urge to break NC, feel free to come post and read here instead, and we'll all help each other get through it

[thisagain]

I don't foresee my ex ever wanting to tackle these things so we are also working towards a future completely without her. That is scary and the words 'it's over' scare me so much as the thoughts of never kissing her, holding her or sharing a laugh ever again almost paralyse me with fear. But you know what, I really need to delve deeper into why I am so bonded to this woman, the highs & lows are just too much and I'd prefer more balance.

I think this is much more productive than listing your conditions for resuming the relationship. Many of us have exes who were in therapy during our relationship or even went to couples counseling, like you did. It doesn't work unless the pwBPD is really ready to face the issues. And if she's coerced into counseling against her will by an ultimatum, there are all sorts of ways that she can avoid making progress or even distort the therapist's words and use the counseling against you.

It sounds like you and your ex were together for years, had at least one child together, and broke up pretty recently. It's totally normal for you to feel very bonded to her at this point. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll see the clouds start to lift. For me a huge help was to learn everything I could about BPD by reading articles and posts on here. It helped me understand what happened with my ex and have realistic expectations for whether she was capable of being the kind of partner I needed.