impulsivity or deliberate action

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

How does a woman with BPD succeed in persuading a man to live with her after just one month of courtship?

Why does she take such a risk? She hardly knows him…

What does it tell about the man’s own issues?

[pgri8684]

How does a woman with BPD succeed in persuading a man to live with her after just one month of courtship?

Why does she take such a risk? She hardly knows him…

What does it tell about the man’s own issues?

[woundedPhoenix]

How does a woman with BPD succeed in persuading a man to live with her after just one month of courtship?

Why does she take such a risk? She hardly knows him…

What does it tell about the man’s own issues?

I can only tell you what transpired on my end with my BPDex.

I felt after one month that i had found somebody i could spend the rest of my life with. Everything seemed to fit.

But when she told me she wanted to move in with me just 6 weeks into the rs, i wasn't so sure that we should push things too far too soon. I was content with the personal space that living apart offered.

But she played on my feelings, that she felt sad and lonely at her place, felt depressed when i wasn't around. i had my kids around a lot, she had nobody.

So i guess i kind of felt sorry for her, and also flattered that she was so affected by not being together. She must really love me a lot.

I saw it as proove of her love, instead of seeing it for what it really was: somebody who had huge trouble being independant and by herself, and very pushy to control the speed of the relationship.

[thisagain]

Welcome, pgri! 

I think about this a lot, because my BPD ex and I moved in together after knowing each other for less than three months. By the time she showed the nastier BPD behaviors, like raging and emotional infidelity, she and all her stuff were already in my apartment and (because of her dysfunction in other areas of her life) she told me she had nowhere else to live. This is a pretty common pattern in BPD relationships. If you haven't seen it already, I'd recommend this article about How a Borderline Relationship Evolves .

At the beginning of the relationship, people with BPD (here we shorten it to "pwBPD" commonly engage in "mirroring" -- imitating us in order to seem like our 'soulmate' or the perfect partner for us. This can create a false sense of closeness, so that only a few weeks or a month into the relationship, it felt like the two of us were the same person.

The pwBPD will also idealize the non-BPD partner, showering them with affection and telling them all about how wonderful they are. The thing is, the pwBPD genuinely believes (at the time) that you are her soulmate, the most wonderful partner in the world, etc. In her view, if she's found Prince Charming, why not move in with him after a month?

Meanwhile, the non-BPD partner is eating up all this affection. A lot of us come from families and backgrounds where we felt unappreciated and unloved. Not all of us are prepared to recognize that the other extreme -- intense idealization and being bombarded with affection and compliments -- is also unhealthy. Meeting the pwBPD, at the beginning, feels like meeting our other half (because of the mirroring) and finally finding someone who loves and appreciates us for who we are. It can be hard to resist.

Did you and your ex move in together early too? How are things going for you now?

[pgri8684]

I ‘d like to thank you all for your support. I didn’t know anything about BPD and this forum helps me a lot.

It is time for me to share my story. I hope that my words match my thoughts because English is not my first language.

What happened to me is the usual story: I met my damsel in distress and I became her knight in shining armor.

Her life was a mess: conflict in all her relationship (colleagues, relatives), child abuse from her parents, domestic violence from her ex-husband (raped?), she was the eternal victim and nothing was her fault. Black and white thinking on every subject.

I simply choose to ignore the red flags because I was worshipped; she told me I was her soulmate, the man she had been waiting for. Love bombing and honeymoon. She would spend the rest of her life with me. She would take care of me forever. She mirrored me so easily as I projected my anima on her (Jungian psychology).

Of course my ego couldn’t resist. I had never met someone like her: sex and romance were incredible too.

After 3 months things began to change; she often felt insecure and her needs increased a lot.

I had to be with her every moment. I solved a problem, she felt better, but another problem was already waiting around the corner. Being her lover and active caretaker was not enough.

We spoke about my moving in to her home. I felt it was way too soon but she insisted. So I moved in but things continued to deteriorate.

She began punishing herself with exhausting household chores and gardening; she suffered a lot of pain (headache, back, dyspepsia). She told me stories about self injuries when she lost control and she confessed 2 suicide attempts.

I loved her but I decided to leave her. I began to understand that I couldn’t save her. On the contrary, we would crash together.

When she knew my decision, she took a lot of paracetamol pills. We ended the evening in the emergency room. I felt sad and despaired.

She did a lot of "h00vering" during the first 2 weeks after the breakup but I didn't change my mind. I don’t know why, but we maintained contact through email. One month after our breakup, she told me that she flirted with 2 men, not knowing which one to choose!

Of course she preferred the one who was like me and acted like me (her words) i.e. a perfect caretaker (my words).

After just one month the winner moved in. What took me 3 months to begin thinking about it, he did it in 30 days. I was shell shocked. Now they live together and she seems happy.

My healing is on its way but not complete. To worsen the problem, we are co-workers. So we see each other almost every day. She never painted me black as far as I know (thanks to my quick and successful replacement). She told me that I was forgiven and that we could be friends.

I don’t know what friendship means for her because she had her own definition for everlasting love, soulmate, etc.

She still comes to my office 30 minutes a day and she speaks about her problems, her insecurities,  her poor health, her evil colleagues. No more crying, just complaining and ad hominem attacks.

She projects her shadow (Jungian psychology) on everyone she considers as a bad person.

She is her best prosecutor: selfish, egocentric, histrionic. It helps me to heal.

Sometimes she tells me how beautiful her life is. Each day is a different story…

I feel nostalgic for every minutes of the very good time I had, despite the turmoil all around. It is an addiction. During a few month I felt alive and now I’m back to an ordinary (dull) life.

I must regain self-worth, self-esteem and learn to enjoy calm and ordinary things like eating good food, listening to music, walking in the woods.

I learn a lot with you, thank you for your help

[Mutt]

Hi pgri8684



Shoot first. Aim later.

BPD is impulsive behavior and impairment with thinking things through and the consequences of one's actions. My exuBPDw will go through without thinking of how her choices affect her and loved ones she's self absorbed with her own issues. That said.

She'll attempt to fix things after the fact and / or loved ones will try to fix things and the cycle of dysfunction continues. ,

[bunny4523]

Interesting questions.  I don't think she is taking the risk.  I think she knows she can only hide her disorder for so long so they want you "invested" in them so it is harder to leave. 

That situation happened to me, my ex BPD wanted to move in together after 7 months.  I was uneasy about it because I have a younger son.  My exBPD would use his confidence of "knowing what he wants" and saying that I don't love him as much as he loves me.  He agreed to pay the rent so it would give me a chance to put away money for my retirement and lower our taxes since we planned to be married.   He said all the right things and it "sounded" like he truely cared about me but it never really felt like it which was weird.  I now think he paid for almost everything tangible so that he could take it with him when I left him... .which he knew I would do once I saw his other side. I had no clue... .  I had worked with this man for 7 years and thought I knew him.  I got to pay for all the consummable things, food, household stuff... .nice.  During the breakup, it became clear he planned it that way as he easily divided things up.  I had sold all my furntiture, washer, dryer, fridge, beds... .everything.  I left with only boxes.  I think he also knew that it would make it harder for me to leave without all those things.  I say that because after I moved in is once everything changed.  He started trying to control everything and breaking down my character at the same time.  It's like he knew he had me where he wanted me.  The therapist we went to thought that he had multiple personality disorders including BPD.  What a nightmare.  I've just learned to follow my gut from here on out. I think I always knew something wasn't right. 

Bunny

[Meili]

 

I too believe that it was deliberate, but for a slightly different reason.

We tend to try to think what a disordered person does in terms of how a "healthy" person would do things. As we all know, that is clearly not the case. So, while her actions may appear impulsive to the outside world, in her mind they probably make perfect sense whatever her motivation was.

By judging her actions based on what you, I, or the next person might do, we are, essentially, making the statement that the pwBPD's actions were wrong for them. That isn't our decision to make. We are not in control over them, only ourselves and our choices. And, I love how you acknowledged your part in all that. Cheers! It is commendable that you recognize those things.

Keep us posted on your developments.