Giving myself the no checking her facebook challenge

[kc sunshine]

I've been pretty good about staying very LC but not so good about not checking her facebook. I'm going to give myself a challenge to not check it for a week-- anyone else have a similar problem and want to join me?

Here are some reasons why not to check her facebook:

1) It only brings me pain

2) It would help me detach

3) There's nothing I need to know that is on there

4) I can check it in a month if I want to (all the stuff will still be there)

5) There are other fun things to do, like... .(and I'll fill in the blank with some fun stuff)

[JerryRG]

That's a tough one sunshine

I did it for a while, their outsides and their insides don't usually match reality.

Someone here said to not beat ourselves up by looking at their pretend happiness because it is all smoke and mirrors.

I owe it to myself and my recovery to not fall for the games, the drama, the chaos and manipulation any longer even if it's just fake smiles on social media. I know my exgf along with everyone else, the only person who does not realize the need for her extensive long term help is herself. And for this I feel sorry for her, she's a victim and as such she has relented all control in her life to those around her. She's powerless in her mind, and that is one prison I'm not returning too.

Keep getting well sunshine

[vortex of confusion]

What is keeping you from blocking her?

I did that with ex. That way, I can't see any posts of his at all. If he comments on mutual friends stuff, it doesn't show up. If he likes something from a mutual friend, I can't see it. I also unfriended every last member of his family so that they couldn't see any of my posts and go tell ex. I decided to do that after MIL started liking everything I posted. At one point, she posted some meme that said something along the lines of, "My son will always be my baby. If you mess with him, you mess with me." I couldn't tolerate seeing that crap. I was way too tempted to say something. It was much easier to resist temptation by blocking and unfriending.

[Sarah May]

"What is keeping you from blocking her?

I did that with ex. That way, I can't see any posts of his at all. If he comments on mutual friends stuff, it doesn't show up. If he likes something from a mutual friend, I can't see it. I also unfriended every last member of his family so that they couldn't see any of my posts and go tell ex. I decided to do that after MIL started liking everything I posted. At one point, she posted some meme that said something along the lines of, "My son will always be my baby. If you mess with him, you mess with me." I couldn't tolerate seeing that crap. I was way too tempted to say something. It was much easier to resist temptation by blocking and unfriending. "   

I am with this poster.  If you don't want to be hurt or pulled into the drama, consider blocking.  this unfriends the person and then you would have to ask to be friends again (friends? Lol).  I can go ahead with my own life on social media with no abuse or reminders of things that bring me down.  Really, take the leap!

[Concerns]

It's hard. My soon to be exwife has been posting pics of her and the replacement lately. So I unfollowed her in order to not get her updates. I dont unfriend her bc we share a son. I figure I don't have to be so drastic as unfriending her. When I get the urge to look, I have to ask myself why I would want to hurt myself? So I resist. Besides. Nothing about FB is real. It's a persona. We are all familiar with personas and how they don't square with reality.

If you don't really have any ties to her other than the urge to look and feed a need then unfriend her.

[hergestridge]

After I broke up with my BPDxw I kept as a FB friend for six months by which time she started bragging about her new amazing Life without me. I unfriended her. It was a tough decision considering we have a child together and meet face to face twice every week. She asked me why but I didn't give her an explanation. I just didn't want that in my life.

By then she already had a replacement and she acted like it was a problem to me, keeping information about their relationship from me as if I would be hurt.

It's been two years since we split ut. I have met a new woman and we're getting married later this summer. All of a sudden, this became a problem for my ex wife. Even after I unfriended her we have communicated through messenger. After breaking the news to her that I will be married I noticed she had blocked me. She had also blocked my future wife, whom she doesn't know at all.

Consequently, when I was alone and abandoned by her (who had a replacement) she wanted to keep me as a fb friend. Now that I have a girlfriend and getting married she wants to block me.

I tell my new girfriend this all the time:

Just ignore my ex wife. The less of her in our life, the better.

[kc sunshine]

I totally see where you all are coming from re: the blocking, but she pretty much stays off my facebook, so I think the problem is me-- and my ability to control looking at hers. I've already unfollowed her and listed her as an acquaintance so she doesn't show up in my newsfeed at all.

Today I did it-- no peeking! Hopefully tomorrow I can too.

[KarmasReal]

Hey kc sunshine,

I can totally relate as I too have been looking at my exes Facebook. It really does make things worse as I see pictures of her and wonder what she's doing, who she's with, if she ever thinks of me. It looks like nothing but happiness and fun. I guess if I looked at hers throughout her life it would mostly look like this though and I know more often than not she was miserable half the time, I was there to see it. I can't stop thinking however that now she really is happy, I'm gone and now it's better and I didn't get to be a part of it, I got screwed during an unhappy time in her life and was used to bring her out of it. Although it's likely smoke and mirrors like others have said, it's still hard not to think that. I don't post much on social media but I guess I could make it look like my life is fantastic too. Just post pics and stuff at the right moment my life could make a lot of guys jealous. However when the party weekend is over, I go back to being alone, even when people are around I feel no one knows me like my ex, I miss having that counterpart more than anything, even if she is very troubled.

[shatra]

vortex wrote

I decided to do that after MIL started liking everything I posted.

----Why did she do that? To have contact? Keep the triangle/connection with ex going? 

[shatra]

Then there is the opposite----the ex watching our facebook page!  Mine keeps showing up in the search bar and as a suggested friend, though I have not searched for him.  No matter what facebook's official response is, I am convinced there are ways to see who is looking at our page

[Xstang77]

I'm on the fence about not checking,mine unfriended me,then I blocked her for a week,then I had one of those really depressing wake up alone mornings and I unblocked and checked and lo and behold she had a replacement,boy did that turn my sadness into anger,I feel sometimes knowledge is power of your able to do so,we're still not fb friends though we are occasional fwb and she messages me through there when she needs something,or wants to act like a fake friend and be real short and distant about things.

[kc sunshine]

I didn't check again today-- phew. I feel much better, so hopefully my mind can remember this feeling and want it instead of the pain of my ex.

[vortex of confusion]

vortex wrote

I decided to do that after MIL started liking everything I posted.

----Why did she do that? To have contact? Keep the triangle/connection with ex going? 

I don't know her motives. My guess is that it was her way of trying to reach out to me and let me know that she is still there. I don't think her motives were bad or had anything to do with triangulation. I unfriended her because I couldn't see her stuff without thinking about ex and being tempted to say something about our separation.

[kc sunshine]

Here goes day #3. Deep breath. Anyone else trying to resist the facebook pull (or other social media)? If so, what are your distraction tips? 

[Anez]

You got this, KC. The important thing is to take it a day at a time. the first few days will be tough, like kicking any addiction. before you know it you'll be two weeks in and you'll realize it's getting easier and you don't think about looking as much. Will you think of looking from time to time? of course you will, but that's ok. those are normal feelings. You have a lot of love in your heart and are a good, healthy person.

My ex is only on instagram. When she let me go I'd beat myself up looking at her photos and looking at what photos she liked. I was going insane. I had to unfollow her. But it didn't stop there because I knew I could still search her name and see her photos. I did that once or twice and it was not good for me. So I stopped looking one day. and another day. and another. Now I haven't looked in months and I'm instagram every day. I have felt the urge from time to time but i know it will be silly and not good for me to look so i don't look.

I suggest blocking her on Facebook so nothing of hers randomly pops up and sends you looking at her page. This is about you and your recovery. I think it's a step you should take if you haven't already.

You got this, KC!

[HurtinNW]

Here goes day #3. Deep breath. Anyone else trying to resist the facebook pull (or other social media)? If so, what are your distraction tips? 

[/quote

I'm working on this myself! My therapist and I decided not to block, because the way my mind works I will obsess over whether he has tried to contact me. This way I have to face the ugly truth: he hasn't tried to contact me at all. I also have checked his FB (we are not friends) just as a strange way to reassure myself he is still there.

My distraction tips: I cut way back on drinking. Alcohol lowers the inhibitions, as you know. Once I check my facebook I try to get off right away, maybe watch a movie or a show in bed. I treat myself to something nice instead, like a dessert or whatever. Or I go for a late night walk, or play with the dog. I think distraction is key. It's basically unlearning a habit. Over time I am checking less. Though tomorrow is his birthday and i am tempted to find out what he is doing. Even so, when checking myself, I realize I am slowly getting bored with it all. He's stuck in the same place. It's too sad and pointless.

[willtimeheal]

Hey kc sunshine,

I can totally relate as I too have been looking at my exes Facebook. It really does make things worse as I see pictures of her and wonder what she's doing, who she's with, if she ever thinks of me. It looks like nothing but happiness and fun. I guess if I looked at hers throughout her life it would mostly look like this though and I know more often than not she was miserable half the time, I was there to see it. I can't stop thinking however that now she really is happy, I'm gone and now it's better and I didn't get to be a part of it, I got screwed during an unhappy time in her life and was used to bring her out of it. Although it's likely smoke and mirrors like others have said, it's still hard not to think that. I don't post much on social media but I guess I could make it look like my life is fantastic too. Just post pics and stuff at the right moment my life could make a lot of guys jealous. However when the party weekend is over, I go back to being alone, even when people are around I feel no one knows me like my ex, I miss having that counterpart more than anything, even if she is very troubled.

Wow. I couldn't have said it any better. Especially the part how getting screwed during the unhappy part of her life and being used to bring her out of it. That is the hard part for me... .is my replacement getting the person that I initially thought she was?  Is she now out if the darkness and he gets to enjoy it while I did all the leg work? 

Sunshine... .stay off her FB. Even thou it is pretend... .it only brings pain and sets you back in your healing.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks gang, these words are totally helpful. Here goes day 4 (and day 3 of no contact). Weekends are the hardest, so extra deep breaths. Xoxoxo

[BorisAcusio]

what are your distraction tips?  

Honestly? Blocking. After 19 months of strict no contact, I still have the urge to have a coversation with her. Holding the door cracked open will lead to relapse.

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, this is what I worry about-- that this feeling will never end!

I'm having a low moment of really wanting to check her facebook but I'm not doing it. I'm going to go swimming instead. Smile with my children. Talk to my mom. Maybe do 10 pushups. It is such a physical feeling-- it comes over me like a wave.

Facebook feels like going into the bar, and contacting her feels like ordering a drink in the bar.

what are your distraction tips?  

Honestly? Blocking. After 19 months of strict no contact, I still have the urge to have a coversation with her. Holding the door cracked open will lead to relapse.

[Anez]

KC:

I recently quit smoking. The first few days hurt a lot. I wanted to smoke all the time. Then after the first few days I wanted to smoke but not as much as before. Then a month had gone by and the urge had gone away. The other night I went into the gas station at the corner to buy some ice cream. the cashier rang it up and said something like $7.50. That was as much as the cigs i used to always buy there. I looked behind the cashier and saw the cigarettes sitting there but didn't think of them at all like i used to. I paid for my ice cream and headed home.

Treat facebook urges with your ex the same way and you'll get there.

[kc sunshine]

Okay, day 4 down, over the hump. I had to white knuckle it a bit today, but I did it! I unfollowed some of our mutual friends so that they wouldn't show up in my feed either. I'm still in that stage where I'm glad that it is night and that I made it through the day-- do some of you have that feeling too? It's not as acute as before, but I still think things like "It's 8 pm, only 2 more hours to go before I can sleep"-- dang.

[myself]

I still think things like "It's 8 pm, only 2 more hours to go before I can sleep"

You can also see it as in a couple of days you'll have made it to a week.

How will you continue challenging yourself, or let's say 'grow', from there?

[kc sunshine]

Oh man, she told me today she was seeing someone else, and I totally looked on her facebook to check the new person out. Dang, back to day 1.

On the good side, though-- I wasn't wrecked by the news (at least not yet). Maybe all these days of detaching work has helped contribute to that... .

[vortex of confusion]

I had another thought.

Do you have any friends on your FB that would be willing to help you out? I have a friend that has told me, "If you are on FB and get tempted to do anything that has anything to do with ex, send me a message instead." There are a few time when I got messages that were silly and lighthearted but clearly made sure that I was resisting the temptation.

[Herodias]

I just realized that because Facebook shows you the comments you make on other peoples posts, they can be shown in the news feed to other friends, that would be a reason not to have shared friends at all. For instance, if I was friends with my exes Mother and she commented on the baby, it may be shown in my newsfeed and I certainly don't want to see that as much as I like her!  That's just sad. Facebook is making it hard to be in touch with people even if you wanted to... .odd. I wonder if they even realize this, considering they started out by helping people want to have allot of "friends".  I restarted mine and have very few friends now... .only family and close friends.

[kc sunshine]

Those are great ideas... .oh man. I think I just have to get used to the new reality of the new replacement and part of my mind getting used to it was looking at her facebook and seeing it. Now  it is time to let go again. Here's my plan:

go for a bike ride
pray (maybe go to church?)
come here instead of checking her facebook
finish three things off of my to do list
laugh with my kids
talk with my mom


 

[need a break]

My daughter blocked me from Facebook. I used to see how she was doing on that site. She used to put horrible remarks about our family. She still may but non of us know as she has blocked us all or family members have unfriended her.
Facebook... .such a dangerous media, can give such pain to those of us who are dealing with this 

[shatra]

kc wrote--
 Oh man, she told me today she was seeing someone else, and I totally looked on her facebook to check the new person out. Dang, back to day 1.

---Why did she tell you this?  Manipulation? Trying to make u jealous? Hostility? SOme other reason?

[kc sunshine]

Hmmm... .I'm not sure, but I guess she has been seeing her for three weeks so it is probably serious enough for her to want to tell me herself instead of being finding out about it from someone else. She has a history of telling me too much though .