uBPD mother - walking a tightrope with no net

[bethanny]

When I was 3 I told my mother I hated her and she icily went upstairs to pack my suitcase. I was traumatized and realized to inconvenience my mother with my own feelings could end in my abandonment and probable death. Doesn't she realize I am just a little kid, I asked myself. I can't manage out there on the streets by myself. Again, I was 3!

When I was 5 I came home very late from school and panicked my mother. She refused to let me explain what happened. Her hysteria caused rest of the family to become angered at me. She shook me by the shoulders and repeated over and over, ":)idn't you know how I'd feel?" I almost called THE POLICE she declared. Not to look for me it sounded like, but to lock me up.  Clearly my welfare was dependent on always knowing how she would feel, an impossible & toxic mandate.

When I went to kindergarten at the beginning of every school day she would order me into the bathroom to defecate but immediately she began screaming at me through the door I was going to be late for school (a place that apparently forbade bowel movements). My body couldn't relax to fulfill her orders of course because her opposing order was to hurry up and get out of the bathroom.

When I needed glasses at 13 my mother decided I was lying and only wanted them because a friend had new reading glasses. When finally the school contacted her the eye doctor was dismayed how I was functioning since I was legally blind. For the first time I heard my mother explain her theory of my lying about needing glasses to the doctor. She had continually assured me she was about to take care of it whenever I brought up how I couldn't read the blackboards in school.

When we left the doctor's office she shook me angrily by the shoulders and demanded to know why I didn't tell her that my eyes were so bad. I told her I had told her many many times over a long time I couldn't see. She got angrier and shook me harder and said, "Why didn't you make me see you couldn't see." What the heck?

There was never conflict resolution over the years. She was NEVER WRONG. And if I disappointed her over something, she would declare that I had always been bad and managed to trick her into believing I was worthwhile when I clearly was an imposter never deserving of her good will and respect. My worth was gutted not only for that sin but for the whole of my existence.

I was reluctant to assert my will because the punishing rage back was too overwhelming.  

I also felt sorry for how unhappy she was with an alcoholic husband and rationalized my compliance was more about pity for her than fear of her.

I walked a tightrope with no net. I rationalized that her perfection ideal for me was based on a potential she perceived me as having and that helped build a sense of some kind of worthy identity. I swung from grandiosity to self hate re my self image.  I was too naive to realize she often tapped into my hungry ego's capacity for grandiosity to make me focus so much on her exclusively and be so self-denying about other opportunities for pleasure and/or adventure in my life. Being denying was equated with character and worth. Being accused of selfishness by her provoked terror in me.

Unrecovered borderlines don't do conflict resolution. You better grovel fast to perhaps stay in their affinity orbit if you dare balk or more likely mess up in second guessing what is a sin in their eyes. If not, you are demonized to others in your mutual network, and the unrecovered borderline will pose awesomely sympathetically next to "she must be going crazy"you. And you may be abandoned totally and you will be left bereft and stunned at the profound lack of will the unrecovered borderline has to reconnect with you, especially if you seek an opportunity to explain your perspective. And you will be reluctant to try to explain your truth to others in your matrix with her out of the horror you will not be believed or that you would worsen an already life-shattering dimension and you don't want to ramp up the surreality and trauma any farther.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HOW I FELT!"

The unrecovered borderline especially chooses one poor child to emotionally titsuck from and totally control at the same time. Scott Peck calls this kind of control of another human being EVIL.

It sabotaged my capacity to sustain trust in others and myself for most of my life so far.

I do understand -- and that is a big deal -- what happened to me and why I have had such a glass jaw in relationships.

But I have such a hard time reaching for joy and happiness having been tasered verbally as being the selfish bad girl.  I came to conflate reaching for happiness outside of my mother's immediate orbit with EVIL.  Survivor guilt of complex-PTSD.  Also my hypervigilance around others, good will may turn to rage even with seemingly safe current life people.  Honesty from others threatens.  Conflict resolution was never role modeled and feels dooming too often still today.  Numbness seems preferable. Life still seems more gauntlet than adventure. Occasionally I rise up and enjoy positive stress and it enlivens me for a bit.  But too often I go back to my cave of numbness and avoidance.

But I am such a helluva lot better than I have been and that is saying a lot! And I experience unconditional self-love more often and do successful battles with bullies IRL and the hurtful shaming self talk from my still recovering damaged ego.

Best,

Bethanny

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BETHANNY 

Thanks for telling your story.  If feels good to get our stories out there.  It seems to have a therapeutic effect for us and can be very helpful for those who read your story. (almost like community service)  Readers can find comfort in realizing that they can relate to what you post, or aspects of what you post about.

I was reluctant to assert my will because the punishing rage back was too overwhelming. 

I also felt sorry for how unhappy she was with an alcoholic husband and rationalized my compliance was more about pity for her than fear of her.

My dad would go into angry verbal rages.  It didn't seem to affect my uBPD sister, but I was the sensitive one.  I was hesitant to ask for anything.  That may have something to do with the fact that I have difficulty asking for help.  I'm independent and self sufficient, perhaps to a fault. (  OK, I'll admit it, I'm too independent)

But I have such a hard time reaching for joy and happiness having been tasered verbally as being the selfish bad girl.  I came to conflate reaching for happiness outside of my mother's immediate orbit with EVIL. . . . .

Are there things that you are happy about at the moment?  Perhaps some things that you are thankful for?  What would your list look like?

But I am such a helluva lot better than I have been and that is saying a lot! And I experience unconditional self-love more often and do successful battles with bullies IRL and the hurtful shaming self talk from my still recovering damaged ego.

Sometime, there can be benefit in making a list of things you like about yourself.  I can see that you like the fact that you are doing well with battling bullies.  Can you come up with perhaps 3 more things you like about yourself?

Thanks again for sharing.  I can tell you have been working hard on recovering from your past.  What is you current situation with your mom, are you in contact with her?

[Fie]

Hello Bethanny  

I relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I wish I could have been a mum for you, and for all of the children who were/are raised the way we were. I would have done it differently.  

[polly87]

Hi Bethanny,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry your mother wouldn't let you wear the glasses you needed. I remember reading about it before and it 's a horrible example of the selfishness of some pwBPD.

The unrecovered borderline especially chooses one poor child to emotionally titsuck from and totally control at the same time. Scott Peck calls this kind of control of another human being EVIL.

It sabotaged my capacity to sustain trust in others and myself for most of my life so far.

As an only child, I was used like this by my mother. It's beyond unfair to do this to a child. It's a reversal of the parent - child roles. Like you I find it hard to trust others. I learned to trust my friends but sometimes it's still hard to believe that my bf is not going to get mad at me when i show my feelings. As children from pwBPD we've been conditioned to fear intimacy. Fortunately we can unlearn this so don't give up

Best wishes to you in your journey.

[bethanny]

Naughty Nibbler, thanks for the great feedback. I will focus on my listmaking. Maybe when I journals do 5 gratitudes to celebrate recovery.  Dr. Phil used to talk about defining moments in our lives, either positive or negative, that conditioned our lives so strongly. Strong memories of my mother shaking me and exclaiming in hysteria, ":)idn't you know how I'd feel?"  That was a mandate and if I messed up she was irrationally unforgiving -- without a light at the end of that tunnel!

Best,
Bethanny

[bethanny]

Fie,

Thanks for your kind words!

Best,
Bethanny
 

[bethanny]

Polly,

Thanks so much for your empathy and hope.

I know too often I have this irrational fear that rejection & abandonment await me if I try to cultivate emotional intimacy with others! 

I am so impressed you have a BF relationship!  Work but rewards I am sure.

I thought that understanding would cure me. It has been decades of peeling the onion of reality.  Understanding so important but still emotional courage and patience.

Recovering requires stamina.  Wisdom is important, information is power. Confusion means fused with. 

I know I am not alone in my fight for truly belonging to myself.  To being at ease rather than dis-eased emotionally.

Take care of your precious self. Thanks for writing me and reading me then and now!

Best,
Bethanny