Idk how you guys deal with the "cut off type"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Believe me when I say this that the cutoff type is way easier to get over. I was replaced. She still continued to message me after the fact. That small glimmer of hope was what kept me stuck. The hope that she still loves me. The hope that she realized her mistake. No contact is the only way to get over these relationships. It sucks. It's sucks hard. It's a horrible feeling when you feel worthless. When you feel like you could have done more. When you think about how "happy" they are and how miserable you are. But it's life. In the end you will come out a stronger person. It just takes time.

I had a relationship with a cut-off BPD/HPD.

Confused is right, I can attest that the first months NC is incredibly hard... .then, you'll come out stronger and better, you can bet on it.

Hang on... .a big hug

[Fr4nz]

Believe me when I say this that the cutoff type is way easier to get over. I was replaced. She still continued to message me after the fact. That small glimmer of hope was what kept me stuck. The hope that she still loves me. The hope that she realized her mistake. No contact is the only way to get over these relationships. It sucks. It's sucks hard. It's a horrible feeling when you feel worthless. When you feel like you could have done more. When you think about how "happy" they are and how miserable you are. But it's life. In the end you will come out a stronger person. It just takes time.

I had a relationship with a cut-off BPD/HPD.

Confused is right, I can attest that the first months NC is incredibly hard... .then, you'll come out stronger and better, you can bet on it.

Hang on... .a big hug

[JerryRG]

I have to have contact with my ex and watch her repeat the same behaviours over and over. Last week she's suicidal and going to get help, this week she's angry because I keep my son from her because she said she was suicidal and now won't respond to my texts at all. She has a bf who's strearing her from the serious help she needs to really get well. He's convincing her God will heal her of everything. That does happen but not often.

Oh well... .

[Meili]

Also, NC comes from a place of taking your power back. Ultimately, you choosing not to contact them (even though they are not contacting you and was the one to cut it off) gives you the personal empowerment that will inevitably set you free.

Not only that SG, but it also gives you the time and space to calm down and start to think clearly again. Being in the middle of the PD drama tends to drain us emotionally and mentally as we dash between defending ourselves, waiting for the next thing to happen, trying to hold everything together, and everything else that comes from engulfment.

So, NC allows for the FOG to lift so as to have a much clearer view of what has truly been going on in our own lives and why.

[Dutched]

Short: you have to focus on you, and only on you

Maybe this old post might be handy. 2011: ‘When a BPD leaves’

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=148960.0;all

The more High Functioning pwBPDs seems to be, the more they are ‘people cutters’

A People cutter. Exw: First time already with her parents at age 18. Contact after a 9 yrs. re established only because of a family member, otherwise I think it would have been 4ever.

Second time, in a blink of a eye a 30+ yrs was over. Although initially contact because of my son, ex went into NC, cut off.

Despite knowing about BPD several yrs. before the end of that r/s, applying techniques as learned, etc., I kept in mind one saying from a Psychiatrist guiding our local group

‘what they once did, they will do it again! Be aware of that!’

   Or their past behaviour predicts their future behaviour

From Understanding the Borderline mother by Christine Ann Lawson

“the husband of the wife with Borderline disorder can be very principled. She is attracted to his strength of character because it offers her stability and security and predictability in otherwise emotionally chaotic world. His self worth is invested in living up to his principles and he represses and disavows his own happiness. He is a good example of the joke supposedly told by Socrates that if a man marry well, he will be happy. If not, he will become a philosopher.”

So ending up here, asking questions and trying to understand, made us Socrates’ philosophers.

BTW: No shortcoming for the ladies, replace he with she.  

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.

By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.

Control trumps their fear.

Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

[Meili]

The more High Functioning pwBPDs seems to be, the more they are ‘people cutters’

That's really interesting Dutch. My x is very high functioning, and prior to me she's been a people cutter. I wonder why I haven't been cut yet?

(that was rhetorical btw)

[Icanteven]

The more High Functioning pwBPDs seems to be, the more they are ‘people cutters’

I don't think it matters how high functioning they are or aren't, at least from my own personal experience:  my wife is very low functioning and she split with no warning (in fact, she gave me the appearance that she was drawing closer to me in the week leading up to her ghosting) and has only contacted me to solve problems she can't solve.  Otherwise NC.

It's the mental illness.  It's the mental illness.  I keep telling myself that.  It hurts and sucks but I have to internalize it.

[Ahoy]

And yet even with all the knowledge gained from information on this website AND from countless shared personal experiences, the emotional side of our brain can take all this information and throw it right out the window.

This is what I have trouble with on my bad days (which are now becoming fewer and fewer). Even though she likely has a very distorted view of the world, the betrayal of what I value most in the world (marriage and family) causes me the most pain.

Not letting these feelings overwhelm you has been a true test, one I'm slowly mastering. So when I'm on a long drive and thoughts drift to my ex's actions and also thoughts about her now appearing 'happy' with my replacement, I try and turn my thoughts into something more reflective, Like Meili says, why did I allow this to happen? If I'm going to be spending the next 20-30 minutes stuck reflecting my relationship, I might as well try and turn it into something positive.

I've also acknowledged my relationship was doomed before I even first opened my mouth to say hello. I never stood a chance of making this work.

I also found I could only start to self-reflect once I had dissected my relationship enough to pinpoint most major lies/manipulations/red flags/ect. Once everything was on the table I could measure my actions and reactions to her probable thought processes and understand why she did what she did and why i did some truly out of character things.

Personally at 6 months out I still feel a hot mess, however EVERYONE (therapist/friends/family) have commented that I am doing a lot better. Sometimes if takes an outside perspective to let us appreciate the progress we are each making.

That being said, to everyone here, keep fighting the good fight, lots of wisdom being shared, what a great community we have =)

[bunny4523]

I've also acknowledged my relationship was doomed before I even first opened my mouth to say hello. I never stood a chance of making this work.

Aint that the truth... . 

[Meili]

I've also acknowledged my relationship was doomed before I even first opened my mouth to say hello. I never stood a chance of making this work.

A huge part of me wants to get to that point. I don't think that it can happen soon enough right now.

[Wize]

Thanks for this post, ahoy.  It really brought a lot of thing home.  Knowing that no matter what I would have done or said, the relationship never would've worked.  She was like a snake dressed in a lamb's clothing.  I picked her up and cuddled her and loved her but the snake was there and her bite is poisonous.  

You keep up the good fight too.  We will make it.  It's a freaking roller coaster right now for me. But so much good input here at bpdfamily helps keep me grounded.

[Dutched]

The more High Functioning pwBPDs seems to be, the more they are ‘people cutters’

I don't think it matters how high functioning they are or aren't, at least from my own personal experience:  my wife is very low functioning and she split with no warning... .

The HF seems to show/have more NPD behaviour, at least from my experience and what I can read by an article of Randi Kreger ( I posted that once) .

In hindsight we now know that it is inevitable that we are devaluated one day.

Now as from that point the splitting really sets in.  

But you are still lovable, still the ‘parent’ to rely on, still the one to sooth.

(a 4yr old who was naughty, that say ‘I hate you’ will be the most adorable and lovable kid again when tucked in bed, saying ‘I love you mom/dad’... splitting).

With all due respect Icanteven, it seems that you experience what I described above.

You are lovable and (no offence!) the parent, the soother, the rescuer.

Yes also the one your partner relies on for your strength, so the typical:

I love you – I hate you

Don’t touch me! – but hold me tight!

I leave you! – but be there for me!

In that 30+ yrs. with a HF, I have been split numerous times, ‘received’ the most denigrating remarks / words that crushes ones soul.

But… I was many yrs. lovable too.  

But… with yrs. I became more that parent, soother and rescuer.

Simultaneously exws’ behaviour became increasingly destructive.

Working on myself (with help of a local group), a few yrs. before the end, I was still lovable, but not her soother anymore to take over her lack of … (just name it)

One day I was split black in a typical outburst and the final cut sets in, as exw did exactly the same with her parents/family, at age 18,  for many, many yrs.

Still up to this day exw never ever visited her aunts/uncles/cousins, etc. as they were in the camp of her parents.

Once a yr. exw is confronted with them at a birthday party, that is inevitable for her(!),  but keeps contact to the minimum and social correct only…

She did with her best GF, with friends, social circle, all in that outburst at age 18, since then, no contact.  

Did during that 30+ yrs. with what exw called 'friends' and even in the village. Cut, but sometimes no possibility to avoid them. And guess... .projection of that emotional event towards the one closed to her, me.  

That is a full people cutter.

As I also wrote, past behaviour predicts their future behaviour.

Go back (ask family if possible) to the very 1st time of a full blown outburst.

Cause, what happened next, how long was she splitting, what was her behaviour etc. Who reached out to her, how was all reconciled. What did she do with previous partners (if any), friends, etc. Try to get the full story.

When you get that, than you know your partner will be a people cutter one day or not.

If not, and when a break up will be inevitable, than you know she will reach out within a foreseeable time, as many stories here back that up.

Please take good care of yourself!

[Dutched]

And yet even with all the knowledge gained from information on this website AND from countless shared personal experiences, the emotional side of our brain can take all this information and throw it right out the window.

You expressed that so well, so true!

Confucius once wrote:

How can we understand death. We don’t even understand live.

I've also acknowledged my relationship was doomed before I even first opened my mouth to say hello. I never stood a chance of making this work.

Indeed you hit that nail very accurate, I knew several yrs. before the end that it would be in a way futile.

Never the less afters so many yrs (30+ yrs) I kept myself telling we made it this far, we will make it ‘till death us part’, holding with believe and efforts on my wedding vow.

The dynamics of the r/s  became of part of my life.

Furthermore, reaching a certain age one reflects on the accomplishments and failures in life and preparing and looking forward to grow old together, kids involved, finances secured, etc.

If we only knew back then what we know now.

Thanks Ahoy !

[StayStrongNow]

SoMadSoSad, I really relate and sympathize with you. Obviously their is a soul tie still strong. I have searched for answers to a similar situation. Let me guess at one time you were the Knight in Shinning Armor and she loved you for you kept her out of stress and then something changed right? Then she changed and change fast and true she did, didn't she?

Please look up the term Splitting

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)

BPD have no middle ground, you are either all good or all bad. You don't have to let me know, I know you are not all bad.

Now you can try to win her back and this site has a way to do it and for me personally I could not have met the requirements to live with a BPDer too tough, no matter in any time of my 12 year relationship. Or you can let go.

I read some about moving on and since I am in a divorce I found

www.menafterdivorce.com/downloads/menafterdivorce.pdf

I keep on reading it and reading it, it puts it frankly, nothing you say or do is going to change her now with the exception of God being able to work a miracle, but she had to want to change if her free will.

I know its hard, it hurts but someday and someway you will be happier.