Seeing my ex at work and having those feelings

[Anez]

Hey all. It's been a while since I posted. I work with my ex and we haven't said a word to each other in months. we just past by each other at work and act like neither of us exist. it is what it is.

Anyways, I was just sitting at my desk and she popped into my mind. The good memories. I backed them up with the bad memories but we all know how the good ones can take over for a bit.

I went to the kitchen to get my lunch and she was in there getting hers. We didn't say anything and I watched her walk away and those thoughts came back - "man she's good looking." "Boy do I miss talking to her." "I miss what we had." "How did we get here?"

Anyways, I just wanted to post to get my feelings out there as I find that hopes.

I'm looking forward to these feelings being gone forever.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Anez,

Wow, that's tough; I don't think I would have done well having to see pwBPD every day. That takes some strength. I'm glad you posted your feelings. I think they are normal and part of the cycling nature of our emotions during recovery.

How long have you been separated? How detached do you feel these days? I wonder if one day you think you'll be able to speak cordially to her when your paths cross... .

heartandwhole

[Anez]

Thanks, Heartandwhole.

It has been tough seeing her everyday though it has gotten easier since the detach last Sept. That was brutal. I'd have severe anxiety, head sweats, shakes, when I'd see her back then. Over time it has subsided and I'm able to see that it has gotten better and I feed off that progress to help me through these tough times that pop up every now and then.

I feel pretty detached at the moment but still have a ways to go. My T, who works a lot with addicts and knows a lot about BPD, says this recovery is much like an addict recovering from their drug of choice. the fact I have to see her every day helps me deal with the emotions that come up but also makes my recovery longer because, well, i have to see her every day.

I don't know if one day I'll be able to speak cordially with her. Sometimes I think that would be good because then she wouldn't carry so much weight over me - the no contact thing at work feels to me sometimes that it gives her power and I don't like that. But I also worry that if I did speak cordially with her she might be able to get her claws back into me. But at this point, I don't see her even wanting to do that. But we all know how BPD are.

Overall I'm doing good things for myself - seeing a great T, spending time with friends, golfing a lot with friends, living life. I've cut back on the drinking because I was doing too much of that and it would just lead me down bad roads mentally.

this relationship cost me my marriage, so I'm also mourning that and the decisions I've made to come to where I'm at in life right now - alone (relationship-wise) and trying to rebuild my life.

thanks for listening, feels good to share.

[heartandwhole]

Anez,

I commend you for sticking this out. It's been less than a year since your breakup and I can totally understand that it has been a challenge. At one year out, I was just about getting myself back into some kind of recognizable state... .and I didn't have to see or communicate with pwBPD at all.

I'm glad you are working with a knowledgable T. That helped me a lot, too. I get what you mean about the NC putting some "weight" into her hands. I felt that way, too. And I imagine seeing her at work makes it doubly awkward, and yes, a slower road to recovery. But you are doing all the right things for yourself; I'm glad you are spending a lot of time with friends; that really helps.

There will come a day when you'll know that you are done (no fear of "hooks" anymore). It happened for me and I know it will happen for you. 

Keep on keepin' on, Anez. We're here to cheer you on.

heartandwhole

[Anez]

Thanks again, heart.

Things were really rough the first 3-4 months. They got a bit easier as I got more distance. And my T has helped me a lot. He says if I was in an addiction program going to meetings and whatnot I'd be halfway through with it. So he keeps telling me it's a process and it's a hard process.

and that's the thing that sticks with me and helps me - it's a process and it's a hard process. It's easy to say those words and not give them much thought but when you do give them thought and really understand and be OK with it being a hard process than that allows you to be ok when feelings come up. They are all a part of getting you to the finish line. Hard times are good because they're making you get through them and learn from them and learn about yourself by getting through them. I think that all leads to a much better you when you get to the end of the process.

I'm not at the end yet but I'm pushing forward each day. Being ok with my emotions, being open with friends. And getting back to being me.

Today's feelings are OK. It's normal. Heck, I really cared about this woman and it's good that I have feelings and just didn't move on in a day or 2 like she did. because that wouldn't be healthy.

thanks again for your replies and kind words. they mean a lot.

[bunny4523]

Anez,

I feel for you, seeing each other everyday is difficult.  I actually have to interact with my exBPD at work.  We share a wall thats how close we are to each other daily so I feel your struggle.  I agree with Heart & Whole, once the hooks are gone, it gets much easier.  You can actually run into each other and it's not a big deal.  One day you will get there.  I don't engage in any conversation outside of work because I have no interest in being friends with this person after how he treated me. (disorder or not)  But I can run into him in the hallway, say good morning and have a discussion about business.  He gets funny sometimes and starts watching my car and turning off my office light when he thinks I've left the building... .I guess to "alert" everyone that I'm not here and to draw attention on the days when he feels I can't be trusted.  It causes me a little anxiety because I do worry about others buying into it and causing me problems at work.

But as far as the feelings, they are all gone.  I don't even have any anger left so your day will come too.  I just try to hold my head high, smile and show him that he didn't break me.  His efforts to convince me I am worthless and deserve to be discarded failed miserably.

Keep moving forward, there is light at the end of the tunnel,

Bunny

[Anez]

Thank you, bunny. That's great to hear that you no longer have feelings for your ex. Always nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. So thank you.

I've been sure to put on a good face at work and be my normal fun, loud, engaging self. And it's not really an act or hard to do, it's just who I am and I'm being that person. She's seen it from a distance and who knows what she thinks. But I will definitely not be the guy moping around the office letting her destroy me.

I'm doing my best to become a better person through all of this. I made a lot of bad decisions because of her that have really ended up throwing my life upside down. But I'm working on putting the pieces back together being even better than I was before. I've learned a lot already and have taken some steps that have already made my life feel more fulfilling.

so there's good that comes out of all of this.

[kc sunshine]

Hi Anez! I was wondering how you were doing-- it sounds like well, even though there are these rough spots. I love that you say this "But I will definitely not be the guy moping around the office letting her destroy me"-- that is totally inspiring to me as well!

Thank you, bunny. That's great to hear that you no longer have feelings for your ex. Always nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. So thank you.

I've been sure to put on a good face at work and be my normal fun, loud, engaging self. And it's not really an act or hard to do, it's just who I am and I'm being that person. She's seen it from a distance and who knows what she thinks. But I will definitely not be the guy moping around the office letting her destroy me.

I'm doing my best to become a better person through all of this. I made a lot of bad decisions because of her that have really ended up throwing my life upside down. But I'm working on putting the pieces back together being even better than I was before. I've learned a lot already and have taken some steps that have already made my life feel more fulfilling.

so there's good that comes out of all of this.