BPD Mum

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello,

I am a teenager with a mother who i've always had a rather delicate relationship with. I am very very close to her, please understand this, but I am finding it difficult to deal with her unpredictability and come to terms with her past behavior. I'd just like someone to talk to really, and some advice about how to deal with this emotionally and psychologically. 

This is my story:

When I was about 8, she split up with my dad (following episodes of shutting me in my room and kicking cupboards and stomping around during arguments with my dad). We then moved into a separate house in a period during which she decided to pursue a "new life" that she "deserved" and had always been denied. This was a really rough period for me with severe arguments daily when I saw a transformation in her from my "lovely mummy" who spoiled, loved and cherished me with a smile on her face to an angry woman pointing her finger with eyes full of hatred. One argument I recall led to me saying the phrase "I want my daddy" and calling my dad to come and collect me to take me away from it all for the night. Please note here that my mum has always maintained close contact with my dad, acting as if she is still in a relationship with him (he comes round for dinner every night and we go on "family" holidays despite the fact that she wanted nothing to do with him and the fact that they live in different houses?). I then underwent serious surgery. My memories of this period are of crying in the night with my mum getting irritated because she's tired and wants to go to bed and telling me that she knows its scary but that i'm being a little over dramatic. She continued this throughout my time in hospital, responding to my moans for a nurse in the night with "... .please, i'm so tired, go to sleep".

So now, I'm going to university at the end of the year, so i'll be able to escape a little more than before. But i'm experiencing emotional and psychological conflict. I'm still struggling to understand and fully accept my parents current relationship (friends who act like a family unit even though they are separated), wondering how i will possibly explain this to future partners/friends. I'm also confused about my relationship with my mum. I love her more than words can explain and will miss her bitterly, she means the world to me. But she is still incredibly unpredictable (will she be cheerful and full of love and childish excitement this morning when I go downstairs? Or will she be huffing and puffing and swearing at inanimate objects that won't fit in the kitchen cupboard?). I find it rather hard too, going out on a girly shopping trip with her and having a lovely time and feeling guilty for ever feeling negative towards her and then remembering how she has treated me in the past. Also, i'm finding it difficult to have intimate mother/daughter conversations about relationships and health/body issues without being made to feel like i'm unusual and there's something wrong with me.

How do I deal with all this? I just feel very lost and quite alone in what i'd describe as, pardon my language, a "mind f***"

Thank you, and sorry all of this was so long. I have rather a lot to get off my chest.

[Melon]

Hello,

I am a teenager with a mother who i've always had a rather delicate relationship with. I am very very close to her, please understand this, but I am finding it difficult to deal with her unpredictability and come to terms with her past behavior. I'd just like someone to talk to really, and some advice about how to deal with this emotionally and psychologically. 

This is my story:

When I was about 8, she split up with my dad (following episodes of shutting me in my room and kicking cupboards and stomping around during arguments with my dad). We then moved into a separate house in a period during which she decided to pursue a "new life" that she "deserved" and had always been denied. This was a really rough period for me with severe arguments daily when I saw a transformation in her from my "lovely mummy" who spoiled, loved and cherished me with a smile on her face to an angry woman pointing her finger with eyes full of hatred. One argument I recall led to me saying the phrase "I want my daddy" and calling my dad to come and collect me to take me away from it all for the night. Please note here that my mum has always maintained close contact with my dad, acting as if she is still in a relationship with him (he comes round for dinner every night and we go on "family" holidays despite the fact that she wanted nothing to do with him and the fact that they live in different houses?). I then underwent serious surgery. My memories of this period are of crying in the night with my mum getting irritated because she's tired and wants to go to bed and telling me that she knows its scary but that i'm being a little over dramatic. She continued this throughout my time in hospital, responding to my moans for a nurse in the night with "... .please, i'm so tired, go to sleep".

So now, I'm going to university at the end of the year, so i'll be able to escape a little more than before. But i'm experiencing emotional and psychological conflict. I'm still struggling to understand and fully accept my parents current relationship (friends who act like a family unit even though they are separated), wondering how i will possibly explain this to future partners/friends. I'm also confused about my relationship with my mum. I love her more than words can explain and will miss her bitterly, she means the world to me. But she is still incredibly unpredictable (will she be cheerful and full of love and childish excitement this morning when I go downstairs? Or will she be huffing and puffing and swearing at inanimate objects that won't fit in the kitchen cupboard?). I find it rather hard too, going out on a girly shopping trip with her and having a lovely time and feeling guilty for ever feeling negative towards her and then remembering how she has treated me in the past. Also, i'm finding it difficult to have intimate mother/daughter conversations about relationships and health/body issues without being made to feel like i'm unusual and there's something wrong with me.

How do I deal with all this? I just feel very lost and quite alone in what i'd describe as, pardon my language, a "mind f***"

Thank you, and sorry all of this was so long. I have rather a lot to get off my chest.

[screechowl]

Melon,

I hope it felt better to get that off your chest after struggling so bravely for so long with such a tough situation for someone of a young age.

Your story is a familiar one.  But you are entitled to live your life, and going away to university is part of that life.  Do not feel guilty about living your life.  It is yours to live.  Your mom's BPD will cause her to pull you back but you have to be your own person, you cannot live as an extension of your mother.  That is not fair to you. 

Your mom should be celebrating your achievements and urging you on to achieve even more. You deserve that.

There are lots of resources and people here who can help you.  Please come back and please be yourself.

Joel

[EAE785]

This is all incredibly familiar to me.

First of all you are more than allowed to go to University and enjoy your life. Be smart and use this time to propel you forward. I wish I had. Instead I let my Mom pull me down with her criticism. I also loved her dearly and sometimes saw her as more like a friend which is why when she attacked it hurt more. Get up each morning knowing its for you. Start reading empowering books, quotes and connecting with people that lift you. Do you have any other Mother figures you could talk to about your health or body? I have my "2nd" Mom and she gives me advice now.

You aren't over dramatic, you're entitled to feelings, normalcy, and more. 

Erin

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY MELON 

Welcome to BPD Family

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom.  I know you love her.  Have you read any books on BPD?  The one I read that enlightened me to BPD  is "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".

So now, I'm going to university at the end of the year, so i'll be able to escape a little more than before. But i'm experiencing emotional and psychological conflict. I'm still struggling to understand and fully accept my parents current relationship (friends who act like a family unit even though they are separated), wondering how i will possibly explain this to future partners/friends. I'm also confused about my relationship with my mum. I love her more than words can explain and will miss her bitterly, she means the world to me.

I believe you are outside of the US.  In the US, most people wouldn't think twice about the living situation with your parents.  You might say that your parents are separated, but you are able to join together for meals, etc.  Actually, some very famous people in the US have similar arrangements.  They are divorced, but join in on vacations and other experiences for the sake of their children.  Don't worry about what people think.  You will find that you can't please everyone.  Just laugh and say, you parents are modeling behavior of silly American Movie Stars,

But she is still incredibly unpredictable (will she be cheerful and full of love and childish excitement this morning when I go downstairs? Or will she be huffing and puffing and swearing at inanimate objects that won't fit in the kitchen cupboard?). I find it rather hard too, going out on a girly shopping trip with her and having a lovely time and feeling guilty for ever feeling negative towards her and then remembering how she has treated me in the past.

Sounds like your mom is exhibiting the BPD BEHAVIOR: SPLITTING.  :)o you know if your mom has been treated for BPD, perhaps with some meds or therapy?  The splitting-type behavior is one that seems to be most frustrating.  I've read many times that people would rather the person in their life with BPD (pwBPD) would just stay one way or the other.  Not knowing which one they will encounter is more maddening.  Spend some time and read other threads on this first page.  You will find others with moms similar to yours.  It can be comforting and you can gain some hints along the way.

Also, i'm finding it difficult to have intimate mother/daughter conversations about relationships and health/body issues without being made to feel like i'm unusual and there's something wrong with me.  How do I deal with all this? I just feel very lost and quite alone in what i'd describe as, pardon my language, a "mind f***"

Thank you, and sorry all of this was so long. I have rather a lot to get off my chest.

Do you have a good female friend, whose mom you might be able to talk confidentially with?  Can you go for a medical appt. alone, where you might be able to talk with a female nurse about some things?  I know in the US that they have health services available at universities.  If you can't get some counseling now, perhaps you can get connected with someone through the university to get some psychological counseling and a consult with someone on health issues.

If you look to the right on the page, you will find several links to helpful information. The communication information and tactics can be helpful in general, even with dealing with people without BPD. 

We can't change others, but we can set BOUNDARIES and change the way we interact and react to people in our lives. Learning about FOG will be helpful for you.  COMMUNICATIONS skills will help you learn to deal with your mom's behavior.  Click on the link for some general communications info.  You will want to look at the individual techniques later.  Perhaps, you can think of this as a Summer project

All the skills you will learn her, will serve you well in you lifetime.  It is sad that you essentially have to read a manual to interact comfortable with your mom, but think about how smart you will be.  You will gain a high emotional intelligence that will be valuable to you in you employment, with a partner and, of course, you mom.