Example of a mini-meltdown

[Larmoyant]

This is an example of one of my ex’s mini melt-downs where I wasn’t actually the target. I almost was, but he had an appointment with a nurse to dress a wound and she copped it instead. I am ashamed to say that I was very relieved.

We’d gone to visit my sister who was having her gall stones removed. He had not met her yet (2 years into the relationship!) as I felt the need to protect her and myself from his negativity and was afraid he’d run her down like he had my other sister. My sister had been scheduled for surgery and had it cancelled several times due to staff shortages. We didn’t stay long and he was very attentive and seemed very concerned for her.

After the visit he insisted on making a complaint and we went to see administration about it. He controlled himself, but I could see the tension rising. 30 minutes later in the car he began to snap at me. I sat there waiting for the inevitable, however, he had an appointment with the nurse to redress a wound. I was in the waiting room and I could hear him going off on her, so much that she went and got another nurse. I thought he was going to explode, but he didn’t. Back in the car I braced myself for his rage, but to my surprise instead he told me what had happened with the ‘unprofessional’ nurse and was defending his actions and wanted me to validate them.  

I’d like to try to understand what might have been going on for him here in terms of BPD? Can anyone help me to understand please.

[seenr]

Seems to me like he was trying to impress/support you but did so from a lot of emotion rather than being calm and getting the point of the complaint across?

[gotbushels]

I was going through all kinds of scenarios like this too. They left me mostly confused   But review of some of the key ones is necessary and healthy I think. Well done on the efforts to process what you've gone through Larmoyant   

I am ashamed to say that I was very relieved.

It's normal for us to feel some shame at specific incidents when we feel responsible for the actions of others:) The responsibility for specific persons and specific actions seems to me another matter.

We’d gone to visit my sister who was having her gall stones removed. He had not met her yet (2 years into the relationship!) as I felt the need to protect her and myself from his negativity and was afraid he’d run her down like he had my other sister.

I think this is a good call on your part.

My sister had been scheduled for surgery and had it cancelled several times due to staff shortages. We didn’t stay long and he was very attentive and seemed very concerned for her.

This could be anything.

After the visit he insisted on making a complaint and we went to see administration about it. He controlled himself, but I could see the tension rising.

Okay. It's believed that for some pwBPDs, behaviours manifest only in specific relationships.

30 minutes later in the car he began to snap at me.

Back in the car I braced myself for his rage, but to my surprise instead he told me what had happened with the ‘unprofessional’ nurse and was defending his actions and wanted me to validate them. 

I charted my ex's dysregulations. Mine had a pattern, then it changed, then it changed again. So no pattern I've heard some pwBPD have more predictable behaviour and triggering stimuli.

What could be more interesting to you is, how did you respond in the car? To encourage you, I'll share what I did--hopefully you did better. Sometimes in times like this, I inappropriately caretook, smothered, and mollycoddled my ex like a 12-year-old. She loved it. Bathed her in milk. Soaked her in honey. Super enabler. A+. Even that can be a super unhealthy response for a 12-year-old. Not really the picture of a healthy relationship:)

Is there any potential learning you can see or feel here Larmoyant? Anything that comes to mind. Relationships, people, anything for yourself too?

[Larmoyant]

seenr, that sounds right. I’m sure he was genuinely concerned and trying to provide support. Maybe it just got too much for him and he became overwhelmed or something. Maybe I’m never going to understand, but for some reason it helps trying to.

I suppose I’m really trying to work out why he seemed to have such difficulty relating to my family and friends. Why so much tension and emotion around them? Is it about the need for control or something else? It usually started off ok, but then the negativity would begin. He’d waged a campaign of ‘hate’ towards one of my sisters and seemed very threatened by her. Same with my friends so I ended up gradually losing touch with many people. I’m pretty angry with myself for allowing this, but it just seemed to creep up on me. Like all the other losses. I completely lost myself in this relationship and that’s a horrible realisation.

gobushels, "What could be more interesting to you is, how did you respond in the car?"

I responded much the same as you did, just placated him, tried to support him, maybe from fear that he’d blow up at me and, bang, there goes another nice evening. More and more I realise that I’m a ‘caretaker’ type of person, and that’s probably why I stayed in the relationship so long. I often compare myself with his previous gf (overlapped with me I later found out). She left after 3 months threatening him with the police should he try to contact her again. I still stayed after I found this out thinking I could help him. I wished I'd been stronger like her and left before all the damage, but what's done is done and at least I'm out now.

[gotbushels]

"What could be more interesting to you is, how did you respond in the car?"

I responded much the same as you did, just placated him, tried to support him, maybe from fear that he’d blow up at me and, bang, there goes another nice evening. More and more I realise that I’m a ‘caretaker’ type of person, and that’s probably why I stayed in the relationship so long. I often compare myself with his previous gf (overlapped with me I later found out). She left after 3 months threatening him with the police should he try to contact her again. I still stayed after I found this out thinking I could help him. I wished I'd been stronger like her and left before all the damage, but what's done is done and at least I'm out now.

Interesting. I can be a caretaker in relationships too. I used to be somewhat obsessive too. I had a belief tied to this as well.

You express that it would've been stronger for you to leave earlier. You also mentioned that you think it would've been better to end the relationship sooner. Why is this important to you? Why did you stick around longer?