Holidays- Pit in my stomach

[Skyglass]

It is the beginning to the July 4th holiday weekend and I woke up with a pit in my stomach and very heavy feeling. I have done so well this week and actually been able to be alone in my house without feeling like I was going crazy. I have made plans w/people for the holiday but deep inside I know that I only made these plans b/c my ex pwBPD has wanted nothing to do with me since he broke off the r/s. Funny thing is that every year, he made holidays a HUGE deal. July 4th is a sore spot for me. 3 holidays ago, I was out of state and he started the emotional abuse by constant barrage of texts and phone calls berating me for not spending that holiday with him although I had plans months prior to us having met. The next year he made a huge deal about spending July 4th together but he rcvd his 1st DUI the day before and so I ended up having to drive us to a parking lot to sit and see fireworks b/c he was severely depressed. Last year we had the first July 4th holiday that was an amazing time. For this year, he had made such a huge deal about this holiday to be together. Then 3 wks ago he broke off the r/s. I know deep inside that he is off enjoying his newly single life this weekend. Probably looking for his replacement if not already having one. The last thing he ever said to me was "I'll always love you. I've loved you like no other. I want you to call me if you need anything. You've don't nothing wrong." Then, made sure to tell me all the reasons I wasn't good enough for his image of the future. He gave me an ultimatum that I was to move in with him in 6 months or else he was done. So flip-flop.

[fromheeltoheal]

So flip-flop.

Yes, these relationships are full of flip-flop.  Just think Skyglass, this will be your first July 4th post flip-flop, an opportunity to enjoy some serenity with the bombs bursting in air.  As significant dates come and go in our detachment, the first time through can be emotional, depending on what we make it mean, and reading your post, 2 of the 3 July 4ths were negative, so let's say there's a 66% chance this one would have been, and instead you have a 100% chance of it being awesome or terrible, because you are now in control, in a flip-flop free zone, yes?

Flashback: years ago, when I was still immersed in my relationship and drowning, my ex needed to guzzle bloody Mary's in a restaurant, it was "my fault" she had to get drunk you see, and then she puked all over the inside of my car, fireworks exploding overhead.  And what did I do?  Calmly started planning how to clean it up the next day.  Why oh why we may ask... .

[Skyglass]

I love it... .66%... .  I like where you're coming from with the analysis. Never saw it that way

[Skyglass]

I'm just feeling soo angry right now at him. I'm starting to connect the dots and see all the things he obsessed over, the thoughts he had like a hamster in a wheel, mirroring things his friends said in their r/s, projection, love bombs... .Omg! And I am so angry b/c I believed all the BS. And I was a fool to think he wouldn't leave me b/c of how "interested" he was in me all the time and was clingy. Overtime I felt spent. I had helped him when he was at rock bottom with unbelievable amounts of things. And once he got everything going for his career and stuff, he saw he had options. He appeared manic... .And actually said "I'm going to be world renown b/c I'm that good!" He was completely serious. I didn't get excited and thus that's when he began coloring me black(er). I would say that I was glad he was happy and enjoying his new career but I didn't give into the delusional statements. Nothing wrong with having goals- lord knows I set goals and have worked my arse off to have what I have, but I know delusion when I see it. Now he needs fresh new people to feed the ego.