One more kick at the cat

[Vasalisa]

I am new to the board, so here's my introduction. I am the mother of a 30 year old woman with BPD. She's very much like the petulant sub-type and is also an addict (anything from pot to crystal meth). There's definetly a good argument to be made for it being genetic in our family: my mother was BPD and her father has antisocial personality disorder. She is temporarily living with me after the latest housing crisis in her life. I have pretty mixed feelings towards her lately; the drug use exacerbates her BPD behaviours and she is very resistant to treatment. That aside, she did ask me to go to her next psychiatrist appointment and said she'll go to in patient treatment at a concurrent disorders program in the local psychiatric hospital. I am torn - I have never really seen her follow up over the 20 years I've tried to get her hell and a big part of me wants to literally move a few hundred miles away. Not much else to add at this point.

Vasalisa

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

We are glad you are here though sorry for what brings you to us.   

It is great to learn that she is willing to go inpatient for treatment of her addiction and BPD.  Has she been in long term inpatient care before? 

How are you getting along while she is living with you?  It's hard for a mom and daughter to come back under the same roof after living independent of eachother... .harder still when there is addiction/BPD to deal with.

Are you still married to her Dad and living under the same roof w/you and your daughter?

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning more about you and how to give you the support you need.

lbj

[Vasalisa]

 *Hi lbj,

Thanks for the welcome. Since I posted this, my daughter has started vacillating on treatment again. This is a typical manipulation on her part.
She's been in addiction treatment as a teenager, but not mental health.

It's very tiring having her with me. I do get irritable, but try not to get wired into her symptoms (eg circular arguments). I gained some tools in this when I divorced her father two decades ago.

At this point, I need to clarify short and long term boundaries with her. Short term about specifying how long she can stay. Long term about re-visiting what kind of relationship I want with her in future. The complication is if she wasn't my child, I'd have NO relationship whatsoever.

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

We are glad you are here though sorry for what brings you to us.  

It is great to learn that she is willing to go inpatient for treatment of her addiction and BPD.  Has she been in long term inpatient care before?  

How are you getting along while she is living with you?  It's hard for a mom and daughter to come back under the same roof after living independent of eachother... .harder still when there is addiction/BPD to deal with.

Are you still married to her Dad and living under the same roof w/you and your daughter?

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning more about you and how to give you the support you need.

lbj

[wendydarling]

Hi Vasalisa

I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter and for such a long time, it sure hurts.

My daughter is 27 yrs, I joined bpdfamily 6 months ago and I am learning through the great resources and good people here who supported me, to validate my daughter's efforts to receive treatment. It's working, small steps.  I understand you have set clear boundaries, that is good  

I understand your daughter is wobbling to accept treatment, sounds like she is on her way, and you can help her if you are willing. Many here are walking in your shoes, are treading, have tread.

Keep in touch, hope!
WDx  

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for getting back Vasalisa.

If your d doesn't go inpatient dual diagnoses care is she going to be staying with you?  Your boundaries (short term) might want to include an incentive for her to go inpatient. ie... .you may stay with me for ___ length of time after you complete the treatment program.  It may be possible that after treatment she goes into sober living or some other type of group accountability program (IOP).

Many other parents have made being in active treatment part of their housing arrangement agreements.

Learning different communication skills that have proven to be especially affective with pwBPD can help you do your part in improving your relationship with your daughter.  Beginning now will have a positive and immediate affect for you and possibly for her.

Skills like validation, SET, and how to most affectively set boundaries can all be found in the right side bar under Tools and Lessons.

Where do you think you want to begin?  We will be here to help you along the way and support your efforts.

lbj

[need a break]

I get it ... wanting to move away. I have often longed to go into witness protection and start all over again. Yes I agree if she wasnt my child I would not have anything to do with my daughter as well.
Its hard being a mom and not liking the person our kid has grown up to be. Hating them, hating the diseases.
I have been dealing with this for about 15 years, drug abuse, bi polar, BPD. I have emptied my pockets and lost myself for my daughter. I have done the work myself and gone through Family Connections work shops.
When do we say enough is enough?
For me it feels done. Which is horrible. It seems like you still have some hope, I hope it goes your way and you get to have some kind of relationship with her.

[Vasalisa]

Well, while I agree that communication skills can always be learned, at this point if she doesn't follow-up on treatment for my own health and sanity I must let her go. I no longer have the energy to wait on the slim possibilty she may go to treatment. Is there a message thread for parents who've estranged their adult children? That's the support I need.

Vasalisa

[need a break]

Well, while I agree that communication skills can always be learned, at this point if she doesn't follow-up on treatment for my own health and sanity I must let her go. I no longer have the energy to wait on the slim possibilty she may go to treatment. Is there a message thread for parents who've estranged their adult children? That's the support I need.

Vasalisa

Yes I think I will start one, I imagine there are a lot of us. Its a very hard choice that a lot of us have to take.

[nona]

My d13 just did her second false allegations... .fueled by UBPDAD.

They are taking me down. and I am packing up my house.

I have a career step that will require me to leave the tiny town we are in.

it is necessary. She is so young... .but I have to get somewhere I can have some traction and resources for her and cannot do it from where I am.

I understand moving will trigger her abandonment story, and BPDDAD will fuel that.

however these things are out of my control.

i am trusting she will get herself in more and more trouble.

it will be on BPDDADs watch.

thats all I know unless Child protection advocates for us. But they allow the child so much control of choices now with the new laws for the rights of children.

child choosing BPDdad for now.