For those of you who wanted justice or revenge

[Itstopsnow]

It was a horrible experience all around.

I know most of you know my story. But I'm here to tell you what happened when I got even with him. Please don't judge me.  He wasn't just a BPD, he was also NPD and ASPD and he went into the priesthood to live this deceptive life and feed his ego at the same time. While having the church support him financially . He deserves to be outted. He was using religion to victimize women. He was at my church for the summer of 2012. He was a young handsome guy. I thought he was such a good humble man. I never talked to him outside of church then. But he was my spiritual director. So he learned my Insecurties and low self esteem issues. Fast forward two years later.

He reached out over Facebook to meet for coffee to catch up. It was innocent. But he began texting me back and fourth. Usually corny clean jokes or small talk. But then we hung out a few more times. He hung out with lots of girls . But he made it seem very platonic . Then we kissed and I was so upset but he told me he was praying on leaving the priesthood for over a year and a half. He wanted to be a dad... Blah blah... .

So this guy I admired and looked up to. I thought he gave so much to God and the church. He proclaimed strong morals and values. Said he was so faithful and loyal. He seemed that way. He was so over the top smothering I couldn't hardly take it, I was with him everyday . And yes he made me feel like I was perfect . Telling me my body and face was amazing. That was so funny and cool. Even going to the grocery store was fun with him. He wanted all my time. When we would eat out. Half way through the meal he'd ask to come sit next to me instead of across fro me. We went on 5 major week long vacations and so many weekend trips to philly, AC and NYC. There was never a dull moment. He was literally with me everyday! So I couldn't believe at the end he was serial cheating!

I over looked the red flags because I thought he lost his 20's to the priesthood . I thought he has  asperbergers. He was socially a little awkward which only made him seem more innocent  and not knowing the ways of secular life. He had no friends and I thought it was because he left the priesthood and he wanted to leave those friends behind because he said that. It made sense at the time. But then he started to put me down,  criticize  me and he called me stupid and retarded . I should of left at these things but he would cry  hysterically if I mentioned leaving and that he'd change.  Sometime when we fought he would say let's take 4 days off. Now I realize he was dating those days. I realize now any day I wasn't with him he was with someone else. He couldn't even spend one night alone. I realize he was molested . There were too many signs to ignore that.

He was a horrible lover. Which is strange because people proclaim them to be so great! I didn't get any of that. Even his other ex thought he was vanilla in bed. Has any one else experienced that? He liked sex a lot. He was definitely addicted to it. But didn't do any four play. I caught him twice with viagra. He claimed it was his step dads and he was bringing it to his brother. Why did I believe that? He would pray the rosary daily with me. Take me to mass weekly. Made sure we never miss. And took me to shrines and religious stores .

He physically would throw water bottles at me when raging, caused me a rotator cuff tear when I was pushed to the ground. And spit in my face. He then slandered my business when we broke up and I dropped him off my cell phone bill . I did that bc he went down to Disney and my data went up so high. I had no idea he went there with his other girlfriend . He then made me loss my gym membership because he signed us up for it on his his credit card. I paid our cell bill that month and it was suppose to be an even swap.

I paid for everything the first four months we dated because he didn't find a job right away. I bought us $350 nice hotels, a trip to CO which was 4K. I forgave a $1500 loan. I wanted to give him nice things because I admired all he did with his life and wanted to make up for his lost years . But he was fooling around all of his priesthood years . When it all came out.

I found him posted on a cheating website by a former ex. So then I posted him and outted him and what he did as a priest and I did mention he was a BPD and ASPD. I wanted to warn others because honestly finding that website with the alias name he gave his other ex and obliviously he gave his fake name while he was an active priest .

He slander me and my business first . And I don't care . If I had the choice I would do it again. The website either linked to other ones or someone copied and pasted what I wrote. He is still up on about 12 websites . He tried to sue me and my lawyer counter with our own suit . They backed off. He is disgusting and I'm glad it's up. I talked to a couple of his other ex's and they felt he uses religion too to make himself appear safe. He is no longer working as a teacher which I think is great! He was calling the small child (k to 5th) idiots and Morons. He yelled at them. And he was working in a poor inner city district. I have no clue to what he could be doing now for work. I'm sure he maxed out his credit cards because I'm not there to pay for him. I don't feel bad at all. He talked so much sh*t about me, and he was always like that about even his own family members. He's not a good person. And one day he will have to face God for his lies and  machinations . Maybe this will actually be a blessing for him. Maybe he will have to get medical assistance. His family lies and enables his lifestyle. They are causing more harm than good. If he gets help then in 10 years maybe he can get a "normal" life.  As much as I'm so disgusted by him. I think he deserves a real life. And at some point he may have no other option but to surrender and get that help. But that's on him. I'm sure he will hate me forever.

[HoneyB33]

Your ex sounds very NPD, and less BPD. I don't know your situation at all, but from what I was reading, that sounds more towards NPD. Just validating what you already know

He is disgusting.

[Itstopsnow]

Especially the way he used the Catholic Church. He was a total predator! I'm glad I exposed him. He can't do that anymore now! He was doing this for 4 years as a priest and finally decided to leave when we dated. But gave me that BS story. I'm actually glad it happened. I'm glad he's out of the church and can't  victimize people anymore. He is no better than a pedolphile priest! Abuse is abuse! And who knows if he stayed in maybe he who go after kids once he lost his looks and was older . He always freaked out and wouldn't hug my nieces who were young and are very affectionate . Maybe he had bad inclinations. I thought it was so weird that he would be adamant that he didn't want to hug them. Bu he liked them . It was so weird and looking back now I'm glad he didn't. It really hurt me a lot because I'm active in my church . And I partly feel it served me right for dating him as he was leaving the church. I asked him to wait till he left but he pressured me to date him . I should have seen that God wasn't first in his life. I still have nightmares about him. But he met the wrong girl this time! I don't regret exposing him if it means saving someone the same horrible experience . He was getting more and more abusive at the end too.

[once removed]

Please don't judge me.  

whats done is done - whats next? where do you see yourself in the stages of detachment to the right?

[Itstopsnow]

I don't know. I still think about him and what he did to me daily. I go to therapy 2 times a month. I was going weekly at one point. I haven't dated since November. I'm afraid to trust again. Part of me misses certain aspects of him. Which is crazy I know.

[once removed]

i dont think its crazy that you miss certain aspects of him - if our partners were all bad we wouldnt have been with them, no?

theres no right or wrong timeline on when to test the dating waters, though im of the school that waits a while after a relationship to enter another one, personally. its more about what you do with that time than the time itself though, and therapy is a great step.

it does not sound like the actions you describe have helped you detach, correct me if im wrong. i remember being nearly a year out and experiencing what i call "justice fantasies". that would have been a nice place to be about six months earlier, but at that point it mostly felt draining. have you considered working toward forgiveness (not forgetting, not excusing, but forgiveness)?  is it too soon? it took me a while and i honestly couldnt tell you when i got there.

[Itstopsnow]

Sometimes I feel like I can forgive him. He's sick and doesn't know how to function any other way. And it was about his issues. I shouldn't take it personal. But it's hard not to when they are serial cheating . I spent 30k on trips and nice things because I thought he was a noble guy who lost his 20's to the priesthood . I thought he sacrificed so much. And I looked up to him with admiration. But everything was a deep lie. And when he was found out he smeared me and slandered my business and told straight up lies about me. I want to forgive and need to forgive . I'm Not perfect . And God has forgiven me many things. I do feel like part of this pain I deserve because of my active role in consenting and dating an active priest. It was morally wrong and ethically wrong. But he made it seem like he was leaving for marriage and home schooling kids and made me feel like I was his soul mate. I would never want him to hurt himself physically . But I don't think anything is wrong with a little suffering on his part. I do hope his life is worse now than it was before. Does that make me a bad person? Because I hope he has a miserable life . Just for a little while. I hope he gets to feel the pain he inflicted on others . I know they suffer but it is not in the same ways. They can't relate or understand our suffering . They only can see their own. Which they cause themselves

[once removed]

But I don't think anything is wrong with a little suffering on his part. I do hope his life is worse now than it was before. Does that make me a bad person?

hopefully not, as i had similar thoughts. at some point it occurred to me that was out of my control, and i was expending energy on her and it would go a lot further to put it toward myself. of course, i didnt get to that point over night.

have you had the opportunity to read about Radical Acceptance? i wasnt sure where to even start with trying to forgive my ex. its much easier to forgive someone who offers an apology, and/or changes their behavior. i probably had already forgiven her, but i hadnt accepted that this was who she was, at least right now, and that i had no control over who she would be in the future. with time, that brought me feelings of freedom.

[Itstopsnow]

Thanks for your input. It is so hard to accept that this is who he really is. I thought I knew him. I thought he was a morally sound person. I thought I meant something to him. But I didn't. It's so hard to accept that this is who he is. He was always selfish and self serving. He faked his way through life. It's so sad to see this illness which is maybe not caused deliberately by the person . But it is perpetuated and  exasperated by their own behaviors and social interaction and responses to their circumstances . They really don't realize they have all the power to control this mental illness . If they become disciplined responsible adults . As the rest of society is. It's called being a relationship adult. It is truly a disorder that doesn't have to be lived with. I know it's scary to face a painful past and faces those current fears. But I bet most BPD people would have tremendous support if they came clean with what they felt or what they were going through .  It's just sad because they show a "fake" part that actually could really be them if they worked hard to get there. I would of been there for my ex and I would of supported him through it. But he chose to lie and live for his depraves passions. I think the sad part for us nons. Is that we see a glimpse of what and who they could of been .

[once removed]

They really don't realize they have all the power to control this mental illness . If they become disciplined responsible adults . As the rest of society is. It's called being a relationship adult. It is truly a disorder that doesn't have to be lived with. I know it's scary to face a painful past and faces those current fears. But I bet most BPD people would have tremendous support if they came clean with what they felt or what they were going through. 

as adults they are responsible for their actions, but im not sure its that simple. this is a disorder that is ingrained in ones personality from the age of two or three, its not stubbornness; mental illness is by definition not something one controls. it is also a disorder that denial is at the very core of.

It's just sad because they show a "fake" part that actually could really be them if they worked hard to get there. I would of been there for my ex and I would of supported him through it. But he chose to lie and live for his depraves passions. I think the sad part for us nons. Is that we see a glimpse of what and who they could of been .

it is sad. my ex was not religious (if anything she was kind of anti religious) when we met. we argued about it a few times. she came to me telling me about the prayer she had just made, and it was one of the most sincere, most touching things ive ever heard. and it was very sincere, until it wasnt. if a borderline lacks a sense of self, did we see a glimpse of what and who they could have been, or who we wanted or want them to be?

the good news is that he, his ways, his lifestyle, are no longer your problem and youre free of those things. i understand that doesnt take away from the hurt that he caused you, only that you are away from it now and can begin to turn the focus to you, building the life you want to live, and going on to healthier relationships. you can worry about forgiveness later - it may come far more easily further into your journey.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you, and I hope so. Because I loved him deeply and was so devoted and invested in him. I would buy him things and do without for myself. I just want to forget him. I forgive him on a level. I know he's sick . I also know I'm not perfect and if I expect forgiveness from God for my Transgressions then I have to forgive those who have trangressed against me. Honestly I would of forgave him if he called or reached out. Because then I would of had closure. But he never called or reached out . He was chasing his other ex. She told me months later when we talked again. That he actually Never apologized to her either. He said "I'm sorry you're hurting" Then he tried to blame me again to her. She called him out on it. I don't know. Maybe he's more NPD? Or ASPD? I'll never get over the fact that he wasn't at all the guy I thought I knew. But a part of me loved  deeply that guy deeply,  . Who and what was that part? How can he be so close to me invested and loving and then just so nasty , lying about me, slandering me. After all I gave him, and did for him. They know no loyalty or faithfulness . It's funny because if someone acted in these ways to a BPD they would go off the deep end and never recover. I know eventually I will.

Because I was a great girlfriend to him.  he was a terrible boyfriend . Even if he didn't cheat. He was selfish, lazy and self centered . It was always his way and what he wanted. I can only do better. He likely won't.