How were you damaged? How did you rebuild?

[kc sunshine]

Now that the intense pain of the discard/break up is beginning to subside, I'm assessing the rubble. Probably like for most of us, my self-esteem took a big hit in the relationship. This is a combination of her attacks on me (spoken and not spoken), the abandonment/replacement, my actions in the relationship, and then my actions outside of the relationship (the ways the "fleas" manifested themselves in my other relationships).

I find myself much more combative and impatient then I remember myself being. Is this an example of "fleas"? Or is this part of my grieving process-- the anger turning outward? Or is this the new me, perhaps having more experience in fighting and defending myself (experience gained in the relationship with my ex)?

Did any of you find this about yourselves too? Was it a lasting change or just a temporary one?

[Icanteven]

The combativeness and impatience I can 100% relate to:  been in meetings where I kept thinking "why is this person still talking?  Is there a point?  Be quiet; I order you to be quiet (Monty Python)  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T SHUT UP (Apu, Simpsons)."  Or, I'd be driving home from work and I'd imagine I'm having a conversation with my wife's enablers and I will literally look over and see that people at the stop light are staring at me like I need to be medicated.

That was a phase.  I'm back to being my reasonably even-keel self, but, yeah, anger in the grieving process was an interesting experience, and frankly a god-send of a reprieve from the overwhelming despair.   

For me, the hardest part wasn't the hit to my self-esteem (or maybe it was after I make the following statement; not sure) so much as reconciling my wife's actions with her words and my own actions and words.  "Really, we bought the planet tickets for our anniversary trip and picked out a baby name for the inevitable event that you were going to get well in the same week you left?  After you told me you were my soulmate and that you couldn't have ever gotten through this without me THE NIGHT before you left?  And now you haven't spoken to the kids in months and only call when you need something?"

That's what I struggled with.  Now I just remind myself that it's part of her illness and that I can't figure it out and I need to take care of myself and our family.

It's funny:  I feel very stuck in the acceptance phase, but thank god I made it this far, as there were days where our children were the only thing that kept me sane. 

As several of the mods have told me, lean into the pain.  I ran.  I hid.  Once I just let it wash over me it was the worst pain in my life.  But, it got better little by little till I realized this morning that I had spent nearly four hours in meetings and projects and hadn't thought of my wife once.  Not there, but getting there.

I feel ya.

[heartandwhole]

Hi kc sunshine,

Yes, I can definitely relate to your feelings. I think the irritability and anger flaring is part of the grieving/recovery process. During that time, I felt kind of "raw," and was not able to filter my emotional reactions as much as I had before. And also, after hurting so much for a time, I think there is a part of us that finally rebels. Just won't take it anymore, you know? Unfortunately, that rebellion comes out at really inopportune times and often doesn't fit the circumstances. At least that is what happened to me. So it was hard for me, and some people close to me reacted badly to my reactions. 

With time, though, that stage faded. I do still find myself noticing certain behaviors that might lead me to feel irritated/angry more quickly. Perhaps I'm more comfortable feeling things now, so that I don't "stuff" them down immediately; I don't know. At any rate, I feel like I have a handle on my emotions and express them appropriately, although I think there is always room for improvement. 

I do think sometimes we get "fleas" from these relationships, but I'm not sure if what you describe falls under that umbrella, and frankly, it doesn't really matter, right? The fact is that you feel what you feel, and it comes from inside of you. My bet is that it will pass. But your point about "the new you," is an interesting one, because I do feel that something has changed in me; maybe I feel more comfortable with uncomfortable feelings, I'm not sure. And I feel stronger and at the same time softer. It's really hard to put into words, so I'll stop trying. Just know that what you wrote resonates, and for me, it's been a good change, despite all the pain I went through.

heartandwhole

[eeks]

I find myself much more combative and impatient then I remember myself being. Is this an example of "fleas"? Or is this part of my grieving process-- the anger turning outward? Or is this the new me, perhaps having more experience in fighting and defending myself (experience gained in the relationship with my ex)?

Did any of you find this about yourselves too? Was it a lasting change or just a temporary one?

Hi kc sunshine,

Your thoughts about potential reasons for feeling more combative and impatient, make sense to me.  I would say that if you are feeling this way about external events that always bothered you a little, but you used to stuff it down or rationalize it (e.g. "oh, I won't make a big deal out of that" then it's likelier that it's the "new you".  And if that's the case, then you might find that this formerly repressed anger eventually mellows into an energy that you can use to maintain healthy boundaries.

No matter the cause, the most important thing is probably to maintain emotional self-awareness and (as best you can) constructive communication.  I like Nonviolent Communication for this.  It helps me focus on talking about my own experience rather than sounding like I am blaming the other person or making assumptions, and yet I still feel like I am telling the truth, not withholding just to "be nice". 

It could also be helpful to talk to someone who "gets" feelings, isn't scared of anger and won't try to censor you or calm you down prematurely, and will help you find what is underlying the feelings... .either a therapist or emotionally aware friends.

eeks

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not so good with damage and rubble, I prefer to say we went through a phase of intense learning, borderline school, and when we're learning something new there's lots of confusion and frustration, means we're about to learn more.  Stickin' to it... .

But my experience is the self-esteem comes back as the borderline hooks get removed, unless we buy into and accept what was said and done to us, and I don't think us folks here are like that for long.  And I'm with you and eeks KC; if we've been stuffing stuff for a long time, when the cork gets pulled it sprays all over everything for a while, but it's becoming the new normal, at its core is I'm not taking this sht anymore, and that is morphing into healthy boundaries, precipitated by borderline BS, and I'm totally good with that.

It's a handy tool too.  Letting fly with who I am, uncensored, and noticing the reactions I get, is a great way to quickly decide who I want in my life and who I don't, beats the hell out of the younger me, who spent a boatload of energy trying to figure out who I needed to be with people to be liked.  Screw that.

[valet]

I would say that I pretty much just shut off for a good year.

Like others have said, we tend to research the disorder obsessively in hopes of perhaps putting all of the blame on our ex's. But when that mentality starts to fade and we move away from the literature and support groups the real healing begins, because we're confronted with our own selves almost independently of the failed relationship.

I'm still now just learning how to enjoy life again, and I still deal with depression, but I make healthier decisions for myself... .especially in the areas of the people that I surround myself with and what kind of personal stress with work/school/other projects that I am willing to take on.

So it's a long road, and we can't go back to who we were before. But once that fact sets in life becomes a lot more colorful, we handle conflict better, and are certainly a lot more self-directed than we could have possibly been in the past.

[Mutt]

Hi kc sunshine,

Or is this the new me, perhaps having more experience in fighting and defending myself (experience gained in the relationship with my ex)?

Someone else  mentioned soul mate and school. I believe that the most difficult people introduced in our lives are our teachers, they teach us about ourselves, a lesson my exBPDw taught me is to stick up for myself and stop putting up with abuse.

[Moselle]

But my experience is the self-esteem comes back as the borderline hooks get removed, unless we buy into and accept what was said and done to us, and I don't think us folks here are like that for long.

I still find myself buying into this stuff. I understand on a cognitive level why they do it, and project their stuff onto us, but I still find myself obsessed emotionally with the distortion campaign and lies she is telling about me.

Why do you think this  is?

[fromheeltoheal]

But my experience is the self-esteem comes back as the borderline hooks get removed, unless we buy into and accept what was said and done to us, and I don't think us folks here are like that for long.

I still find myself buying into this stuff. I understand on a cognitive level why they do it, and project their stuff onto us, but I still find myself obsessed emotionally with the distortion campaign and lies she is telling about me.

Why do you think this  is?

I'm going with external validation.  The lower our self esteem the more we look for external validation, and if we get addicted to that for a long time, and figure out who we need to be with people to get it, we lose or underdevelop the ability to internally validate.  And then a borderline shows up and pumps sunshine up our butts with the idealization and WooHoo!  Off we go on an external validation buzz to the extreme.  Then the rug gets pulled out, and at that point we need external validation more than ever.  And then the lessons begin; the consequences of relying on external validation hit us in the face and are no longer deniable, the good news really, the gift of the relationship, because now here's an opportunity to get our sht together and learn to self-validate, motivated by pain.  And as we focus on that we get better at it, because everything gets better with practice, and every once in a while the old, well worn neural pathways light up and we feel that twinge of the effects of external invalidation, and the better we get at internally validating the better we also get at catching ourselves at buying into borderline, or any other, crap, until eventually we can shrug it off no worries consistently.  It's a brand new day... .

[zonnebloem]

 
Thanks, from healtoheel,

I find support in what you write!
You migt have read that I prayed for a dancepartner and I received more than I asked for.
We also went swimming in the sea (I realy want someone do encourage me to do so and he did)

this lad works a lot, talks a lot about work and is very pleased to have met me to see the "fun" in life. We help each other to dance and have fun.
I thank him for the gentle way he treats me.
I know I have not detached from my last pwBPD and I know it bugs me that he is way to often "running spare place in my mind."

I will meet my "dancepartner" again and he asks me NOt to worry.
Because he works abroad , we will not meet frequently.

to meet someone  like him who does effort to see me and to stay in touch, is a big help for me.
So far so good and my new volunteeringwork starts tomorrow... only 5 days work tough.
Thanks for what you write... .a week on the beach in Mexico... .drinking beer... .must have been good.

[Moselle]

I'm going with external validation.  The lower our self esteem the more we look for external validation, and if we get addicted to that for a long time, and figure out who we need to be with people to get it, we lose or underdevelop the ability to internally validate. 

This is profound! Thank you. I had never realised this so clearly. It makes perfect sense