Sibling with BPD, how can I help?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm a young adult, and my older sister has BPD. In a lot of ways I'm very lucky - a lot of relationships on here between users and significant others with BPD seem to be toxic, but her and I are very close, I think, especially since living together for the last few years. I can tell she works hard to fight against the inner BPD voice, not to mention depression and previous trauma, and I appreciate her for that so much. But she also gets so tired of fighting, and I get so tired of trying to help her. It's exhausting to be trying to support and counsel her. I'm scared that the moment I look away or lose my temper, she'll go off and kill herself. She's attempted before and threatened before, as well. She previously attended CBT and therapy, but her crappy job didn't cover much, and we can't afford for her to do more. Money is a big, big concern here - I take care of many expenses, partially out of guilt. As the oldest child she's always had it hardest, including my folks paying for my college but not her university, leaving her to be deeply in debt. It isn't fair, and I guess I want to assuage that guilt, and I want to see her happy. But money's running out, especially since I'm moving out of the apartment we share soon so I can be closer to my workplace.

If I could pay for her to live safe and happy believe me, I would, but I can't. If I could live her life for her I would, but I can't. She hates her job, but struggles to force herself to send out resumes for other places. I've tried to help her, but she usually ends up getting snippy and angry with me, which just makes me angry in turn. I get frustrated because part of me feels like she's not trying hard enough, that she's choosing to wallow in misery instead of trying to find a solution, but I also realize she's hit so many roadblocks and has to deal with her own inner thoughts, which must be so exhausting.

When things are going good she's such a beautiful, vibrant, funny person. She's smart and empathetic and quick to learn. It's so unfair that she has this illness, that she has to struggle. What I'd see as a hill she must see as a mountain, because she's had to overcome so many of them. I want to help, but I need to live my own life, too. I'm just so scared of her hurting herself - it's my greatest fear. What can I do to help her, when money's such an issue, I'm moving and I'm emotionally drained?

[codewove]

I'm a young adult, and my older sister has BPD. In a lot of ways I'm very lucky - a lot of relationships on here between users and significant others with BPD seem to be toxic, but her and I are very close, I think, especially since living together for the last few years. I can tell she works hard to fight against the inner BPD voice, not to mention depression and previous trauma, and I appreciate her for that so much. But she also gets so tired of fighting, and I get so tired of trying to help her. It's exhausting to be trying to support and counsel her. I'm scared that the moment I look away or lose my temper, she'll go off and kill herself. She's attempted before and threatened before, as well. She previously attended CBT and therapy, but her crappy job didn't cover much, and we can't afford for her to do more. Money is a big, big concern here - I take care of many expenses, partially out of guilt. As the oldest child she's always had it hardest, including my folks paying for my college but not her university, leaving her to be deeply in debt. It isn't fair, and I guess I want to assuage that guilt, and I want to see her happy. But money's running out, especially since I'm moving out of the apartment we share soon so I can be closer to my workplace.

If I could pay for her to live safe and happy believe me, I would, but I can't. If I could live her life for her I would, but I can't. She hates her job, but struggles to force herself to send out resumes for other places. I've tried to help her, but she usually ends up getting snippy and angry with me, which just makes me angry in turn. I get frustrated because part of me feels like she's not trying hard enough, that she's choosing to wallow in misery instead of trying to find a solution, but I also realize she's hit so many roadblocks and has to deal with her own inner thoughts, which must be so exhausting.

When things are going good she's such a beautiful, vibrant, funny person. She's smart and empathetic and quick to learn. It's so unfair that she has this illness, that she has to struggle. What I'd see as a hill she must see as a mountain, because she's had to overcome so many of them. I want to help, but I need to live my own life, too. I'm just so scared of her hurting herself - it's my greatest fear. What can I do to help her, when money's such an issue, I'm moving and I'm emotionally drained?

[Naughty Nibbler]

CODEWOVE:  Welcome!  Sorry about your sister's challenges.

You are very compassionate in regard to your sister.  I can see you want the best for her.

I'm just so scared of her hurting herself - it's my greatest fear.

I'm scared that the moment I look away or lose my temper, she'll go off and kill herself. She's attempted before and threatened before, as well. She previously attended CBT and therapy, but her crappy job didn't cover much, and we can't afford for her to do more.

The information at the link below can be helpful, when someone in your life deals with suicidal thoughts.   All threats of suicide do need to be taken seriously.  Has your sister ever called/texted a suicide hotline?  It would be good if she had some emergency numbers in her phone.  That way, it would be easier for her to use in an emergency.  

SUICIDE AND CRISIS SUPPORT
       https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

The website below is a selfhelp website for DBT Therapy.  It is a type of therapy commonly used for people with BPD.  The page that the link takes you to is a helpful list of things to do for distress tolerance.  It should be helpful for your sister, if she is open to learning some skills.

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE
   www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

. . . . I'm emotionally drained? . . .I'm moving out of the apartment we share soon so I can be closer to my workplace.  I want to help, but I need to live my own life, too.

I get frustrated because part of me feels like she's not trying hard enough, that she's choosing to wallow in misery instead of trying to find a solution, but I also realize she's hit so many roadblocks and has to deal with her own inner thoughts, which must be so exhausting.

Sounds like you really love your sister, but you do deserve to live your own life.  It might be helpful for you to read about FOG , Fear, Obligation and Guilt and then read FOG DISCUSSION THREAD

When do you move out?  Do you think your sister will go to the DBT Self Help Website and try some of the exercises?  Does your sister practice any mindfulness exercises or meditation? 

Check out the links and let us know what you think and address any questions.

[Kwamina]

Hi codewove

I would like to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you to our online community

BPD is quite a challenging disorder and it is a sad reality that some people with BPD make suicide threats and sometimes actual attempts. It is clear that you love your sister very much, yet this is a very difficult situation for you to be in. We have a workshop here that you might find helpful

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

How are things now?

Does your sister already know that you are moving out soon? If she does, how did she respond to the news?

Take care