New Member I am in Swirl help please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, This is my first time on the forum. I am in the SWIRL as Susan Anderson states, very confused and hurt and shut down. I moved out of my girlfriends house March first and have not communicated since Easter other than an email in months, & seeing her at the grocery store once very briefly. I am looking for support and validation and help with clarity to again become self confident and trust my intuition again. This has reopened wounds I thought had long ago been healed.

Here is a bit of my story, for those who are truly interested and would invest there precious time to read this post - I send out my sincere appreciation and gratitude, bless your souls. I think that to truly help someone you must understand where the person is coming from and the path they have traveled, and perhaps you have traveled a similar path and would be willing to share there wisdom from the journey - (the Hero's Journey -Joseph Campbell)

It is sometimes a little while between the times I am online and have time to respond, so please be patient if you do not hear right back from me.

Betrayal bonds are a reoccurring theme for me, and I am here seeking help for all of this.

I am doing many things to help myself, Meditation, guided meditation, Energy work, working with a Native American Doctor/Healer and Chi Gong Master, Bodywork, Physical Therapy, exercise, good diet - self sabotage can influence these things and procrastination jumps in too. I am reading authors like Susan Anderson, I just attended her work shop and it was great, and many, many more authors. I did two full 30 day courses with Dr. Margaret Paul, and a 6 week phone consult session with her as well.

Part of my bypass, however, can be knowing things intellectually and sometimes not experientially... .This way I do not have to feel the emotions, or have them resonate with the past. I would like help with opening again to my feelings,  as hard as that may be, it is vital to my healing and moving on.

It is also essential that I become immune to this type of personality disordered person in the future by retuning my self confidence and trusting my intuition and developing and having tools and strategies to be sure this does not happen again.

I have been working on my childhood issues for almost 30 yrs and have made my life's work for 26 years about helping facilitate and create a place of healing and safety and comfort, often for the very issues I am currently seeking help and support with. My awakening began with a decision to completely change my life about 18 yrs old. My quest lead me to two great mentors, and a career in fitness and healing. Some of my first authors were Louise Hay & John Bradshaw, Charles Whitfield,

My abandonment history in childhood was very significant, and the neglect and abuse was high, I do have memory gaps.

[mindbodysoul]

Hello, This is my first time on the forum. I am in the SWIRL as Susan Anderson states, very confused and hurt and shut down. I moved out of my girlfriends house March first and have not communicated since Easter other than an email in months, & seeing her at the grocery store once very briefly. I am looking for support and validation and help with clarity to again become self confident and trust my intuition again. This has reopened wounds I thought had long ago been healed.

Here is a bit of my story, for those who are truly interested and would invest there precious time to read this post - I send out my sincere appreciation and gratitude, bless your souls. I think that to truly help someone you must understand where the person is coming from and the path they have traveled, and perhaps you have traveled a similar path and would be willing to share there wisdom from the journey - (the Hero's Journey -Joseph Campbell)

It is sometimes a little while between the times I am online and have time to respond, so please be patient if you do not hear right back from me.

Betrayal bonds are a reoccurring theme for me, and I am here seeking help for all of this.

I am doing many things to help myself, Meditation, guided meditation, Energy work, working with a Native American Doctor/Healer and Chi Gong Master, Bodywork, Physical Therapy, exercise, good diet - self sabotage can influence these things and procrastination jumps in too. I am reading authors like Susan Anderson, I just attended her work shop and it was great, and many, many more authors. I did two full 30 day courses with Dr. Margaret Paul, and a 6 week phone consult session with her as well.

Part of my bypass, however, can be knowing things intellectually and sometimes not experientially... .This way I do not have to feel the emotions, or have them resonate with the past. I would like help with opening again to my feelings,  as hard as that may be, it is vital to my healing and moving on.

It is also essential that I become immune to this type of personality disordered person in the future by retuning my self confidence and trusting my intuition and developing and having tools and strategies to be sure this does not happen again.

I have been working on my childhood issues for almost 30 yrs and have made my life's work for 26 years about helping facilitate and create a place of healing and safety and comfort, often for the very issues I am currently seeking help and support with. My awakening began with a decision to completely change my life about 18 yrs old. My quest lead me to two great mentors, and a career in fitness and healing. Some of my first authors were Louise Hay & John Bradshaw, Charles Whitfield,

My abandonment history in childhood was very significant, and the neglect and abuse was high, I do have memory gaps.

[heartandwhole]

Hi mindbodysoul,



I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. I know how painful it can be, and I definitely experienced the "reopening" of wounds during my own breakup with pwBPD. It sounds like you have been working on your issues for a while and are taking good care of yourself. That is so important. You've come to the right place for support. We have tons of tools here to make things better, and members who understand.

How long were you together with your girlfriend, mindbodysoul? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on right now?

When you can, tell us a little more about your situation. It helps to write it down and let out the feelings.

heartandwhole

[woundedPhoenix]

Part of my bypass, however, can be knowing things intellectually and sometimes not experientially... .This way I do not have to feel the emotions, or have them resonate with the past. I would like help with opening again to my feelings,  as hard as that may be, it is vital to my healing and moving on.

Healing from these relationships ussually also means healing from our early past.

We may have been thaught to hide our emotions when we were young, or we simply didn't get any emotional validation from our FOO.

So we may have been rationalising a lot of situations in our lives as a way to avoid having to deal with emotions.

Truth is, if we don't allow our emotions to surface and if we don't learn how to honour them and use them to our advantage, we never will fully know who we are and what we want in life.

To accept ourselves is to accept our emotions too, and it certainly is frightening at times, but it is the only way to true Self-Love and Self-Acceptance.


The tip that i got in therapy to get started is to focus on your body and not your mind. What does your body tell you, are there any aches, and where do they originate from?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Mindbodysoul (cool name by the way)

So sorry to hear about your breakup with you girlfriend, it must be very difficult for you right now, But I am inspired by how aware of the issues surrounding BPD you are, and better still how you are focusing on your recovery.

Betrayal bonds are a reoccurring theme for me, and I am here seeking help for all of this.

Your list of things you're doing "Meditation, guided meditation, Energy work" I also found helpful. You say you’re here to seek help with betrayal bonds. I would be interested to know how far you’ve come with that, what have you established so far ?  Welcome to the site. 

[Lilyroze]

Hello mindbodysoul 

Lovely user name!

I am doing many things to help myself, Meditation, guided meditation, Energy work, working with a Native American Doctor/Healer and Chi Gong Master, Bodywork, Physical Therapy, exercise, good diet - self sabotage can influence these things and procrastination jumps in too. I am reading authors like Susan Anderson, I just attended her work shop and it was great, and many, many more authors. I did two full 30 day courses with Dr. Margaret Paul, and a 6 week phone consult session with her as well.

 Intriguing love your list of self work. Over the years I have done the same, love guided meditation and meditation, I am a  Reiki master so love working with energy, and do tai chi and chi gong.  I think Dr. M Paul is great. It is wonderful how much you have experienced on your self love self healing journey.

One key that helped me immensely in healing was putting a name to what my sbtex and mother have, as I was so busy most of my life trying to fix their hurt, problems, rages, angers, out bursts, and thinking if I just tried to make them happy all would be good. It was like a good dear loved one pointed out, it was like nailing jello to the wall. Nothing made them happy for very long, it was always my fault, and my feelings didn't matter. Once I identified that, acknowledged that even though they had physical health problems,  it was not nor OK to be that way. I could never fix it right, they didn't want it fixed. They wanted a scape goat, someone to rage at, blame, or take all responsibility. Neither wanted to apologize, meet half way, work like adults in a relationship. So there I was. Until... .the magic day when I put it all together.

Then I realized I spent so much time and energy trying to fix me, and taking all the blame and rages to heart. When it wasn't me that needed fixed. Don't get me wrong, no one is perfect, we can all learn and grow. Be better then we were the day before.

We can all learn more kindness ( there is never enough in the world), more knowledge, more interests, we can always grow in heart mind and soul. We can learn mindfulness, to be better listeners, to negotiate, validate better. We can learn to bake better etc. What we can't do is cure those that have PD, take full responsibility for them, or be the scape goat. That was EMPOWERING to me. No more scape goating, no more guilt, no more taking to heart the crazy train making, rages or dsyregulation.

“Stop trying to 'fix' yourself; you're NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.” Steve Maraboli Once I realized it was not me, no amount of anything could make them happy. I was on my road to healing.

I understand trauma bonds and parts of memory being erased. I love my FOO family. I have many great relatives, healthy and loving relationships with many. But had my Mom, bullying and BPD/NP undiagnosed. So being the first born, always tried to fix it, love her, make it better, be the optimist, be loving to all. I was the scape goat, and had to move away and have minimal contact. When I stood up finally and had boundaries she cut me off, and has given silent treatment. No matter how many flowers, cards, love, gifts, heart to hearts I have tried to have over the years... .it is always my fault. I can and do accept that is her mind set, and was willing to still love, etc but like said she cut off, and has tried her best to alienate family members. Most of which I love dearly and am close with. Her own brother and sister can't stand she does this to me, and see is is her. I am fine now.  Healing for me began when I realized what she had. Why I put up with it, always making excuses with her Sandford and Son I am dying routine. I then accepted same from my ex to be. Thought I need to stay and take care of, as Christian, or Zen Buddhist he is dying ( health problems) or my son.

Now done with it all he is fine, and my mother is fine. They both have mental and physical issues but I can't control it, I can't cure it and can't live in FOG any-more.

Victims of abuse often feel the problem is with them and this is re-enforced on a regular basis by the abuser. But taking the power back the cure is within, is the true key.

When you focus on yourself rather than the BPD or NP. This is where true change happens. You cannot hope to change him/her but you can change yourself. This means refusing to tolerate abuse on any level and taking control of your experiences. Most victims or nons leave when we have been abused so much there is nothing left to give.

When that is the case then we can now give back to ourselves, our souls and start the journey of not dimming our lights any longer, doing our goals and moreso living life to fullest. Core values, how beautiful.

Healing begins with knowledge, taking back the power given to others, self love and realization of why you accepted this. Once that is done then onward and upward.

Now you found the board, can give a name to all of this, have worked on self love. You are on your way to the best version of you. Congrats.

No matter what the situation is close your eyes and think of all the things you could be grateful for right now. D Chopra

" Each morning we are born again what we do today is what matters the most." Buddha

I wish you peace on your journey. Find the joy in the day.

[mindbodysoul]

Hello, I do not understand how to post. Can someone please help?
How do reply to  a specific person?
How do I add part of a reply as a quote and then add text to the reply?
Thank you

[mindbodysoul]

How long were you together with your girlfriend, mindbodysoul? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on right now?

When you can, tell us a little more about your situation. It helps to write it down and let out the feelings

[schwing]

Hi mindbodysoul,

... .I am doing many things to help myself, Meditation, guided meditation, Energy work, working with a Native American Doctor/Healer and Chi Gong Master, Bodywork, Physical Therapy, exercise, good diet - self sabotage can influence these things and procrastination jumps in too.
... .Part of my bypass, however, can be knowing things intellectually and sometimes not experientially... .This way I do not have to feel the emotions, or have them resonate with the past. I would like help with opening again to my feelings,  as hard as that may be, it is vital to my healing and moving on.

I don't know if you're experience is similar to mine, but when my BPD relationship ended my tendency was to use therapies and meditation as a means to mitigate the emotions I felt overwhelmed by.  Initially I sought to antidote the grief and pain.  In retrospect, I think I would have been better served if I knew then, that being in pain and in grief is not actually bad.  Of course, one should not allow the emotions/pain to be overwhelming.  But a goal might be to allow your mind to eventually integrate the grief and pain and that integration will take time.  Moving on, requires that we move through.

I sometimes suggest, always continue to chew on "it", but don't bite more than you can chew.

Also, the grief work and pain are very good fertilizer for creative endeavors.

My abandonment history in childhood was very significant, and the neglect and abuse was high, I do have memory gaps.

This is ultimately at the core of your "onion" which you must peel, layer by layer.

I think that to truly help someone you must understand where the person is coming from and the path they have traveled, and perhaps you have traveled a similar path and would be willing to share there wisdom from the journey - (the Hero's Journey -Joseph Campbell)

For many of us here, I think the most apt Hero's Journey is that of Odysseus, specifically during his encounter with the Sirens: the sirens sang a song which would drive sailors to madness and cause them to crash their ships in order to reach the sirens.  Odysseus ordered his crew to plug their ears with wax so that they would not hear the siren's song.  While he had himself bound to the mast of the ship and ordered his men not to release him no matter what he ordered until they had sailed past the sirens.  This way he heard the sirens' song and this made him wiser.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[heartandwhole]

Hello, I do not understand how to post. Can someone please help?
How do reply to  a specific person?
How do I add part of a reply as a quote and then add text to the reply?
Thank you

Hi mindbodysoul,

There is a little "quote" button on the top right of the post. If you click it, the entire text of the quote will appear in a box (with a link to it above the box). You can highlight and delete the parts that you don't want to use. After the /quote [in brackets] you can write your text.

If you need technical help, below your profile at the top of the page are little green button you can click. One of them says "help." There you can find answers to technical questions.

Here is a link to quoting:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56733.msg523423#msg523423

Let us know if you have other questions. We're here to help!

heartandwhole

[mindbodysoul]

When you can, tell us a little more about your situation. It helps to write it down and let out the feelings.

heartandwhole

Thank you Heartandwhole,
A little more as requested... .I will say this as briefly and non emotional as possible for ease of communication. Again I have been working on these issues for 30 years. I am going to writing a book.

I was with my ex girlfriend for 1.5 years. I believe that she has covert narcissism, borderline personality disorder and perhaps a touch of psychopathy. I met her during the long process of a two-year divorce and my ex-wife we had been together for 24 years. That divorce ended in an extremely traumatic way with me finding out about her infidelity with a married man in another state and a progressive series of lies and gaslighting. This was so devastating, made even more so by my childhood experience. I believe she also had borderline personality disorder and narcissism & Psychopathic Tendencies as well.
Very brief childhood background I was born premature, at about 6 months, born at 4 1/4oz and went down in weight. No heart beat was detected prior to birth & the priest was present, and surprise - I was born alive (my mother was 40). I was separated from my mom for about the first month of my life. Although very small there's no record of me having any physical defects and I wasn't treated for anything. I took care of my mother for as long as I can remember.  At age 4 or 5 my mother was institutionalized for schizophrenia and depression she was gone for about a year. As you can imagine she had very horrifying, erratic, extreme behavior much of which I do not remeber. This was extremely traumatic and I was not told why she left it was not explained to me. I remember sitting on the floor playing the 45 record Yesterday by the Beetles. A very apt and heavy song especially at that age.
About age 6 a boy who was many years older than I took out his penis while we were sitting in the woods near my house and asked if I wanted to touch his penis, I did for a second and then ran, I do not remember much about all of that. I know I was very traumatized by that.
Shortly after my mother returned home we made a very abrupt and dramatic move that I was not made aware of, I literally came home the truck was packed and we move to another town. We then proceeded through life very dark times, my mother had Bilateral breast cancer two different occasions spaced quite a bit apart.
I recall making a deal with God that if I was a good boy my mom would not get cancer... .
At age 13 I found out in a very traumatic and devastating way that my father a possibly a narcissist, possible multiple personality, had two families two wives two sets of children two names. The brief conversations I had with one of my half brothers illustrated the possible multiple ides as he was completely different acting with the other family. I should add that my care providers when my mother was institutionalized where my father, who was working a lot and with the other family when not working. My next care provider was my brother who was 15 years older than I, and he was using many drugs including LSD, mushrooms, cocaine, marijuana, speed you get the idea. There was another man who was found to have molested many children around us, and my sister remembers being abused, however we have not yet spoken about that, She said remembered it all at once when she saw him once.

My most challenging thing is letting go of the reality that I was not responsible for my parents or their actions. That I should have been protected, nurtured & parented when I was taking care of them and being neglected & abused.

Next letting go of my ex-wife and girlfriend and accepting that I am also not responsible for them or their actions or for healing them. I am responsible for my actions & taking care of myself and letting go of shame and guilt and a feeling of unworthiness.

[mindbodysoul]

Hi mindbodysoul,

I don't know if you're experience is similar to mine, but when my BPD relationship ended my tendency was to use therapies and meditation as a means to mitigate the emotions I felt overwhelmed by.  Initially I sought to antidote the grief and pain.  In retrospect, I think I would have been better served if I knew then, that being in pain and in grief is not actually bad.  Of course, one should not allow the emotions/pain to be overwhelming.  But a goal might be to allow your mind to eventually integrate the grief and pain and that integration will take time.  Moving on, requires that we move through.

I sometimes suggest, always continue to chew on "it", but don't bite more than you can chew.

Also, the grief work and pain are very good fertilizer for creative endeavors.

My abandonment history in childhood was very significant, and the neglect and abuse was high, I do have memory gaps.

This is ultimately at the core of your "onion" which you must peel, layer by layer.

I think that to truly help someone you must understand where the person is coming from and the path they have traveled, and perhaps you have traveled a similar path and would be willing to share there wisdom from the journey - (the Hero's Journey -Joseph Campbell)

For many of us here, I think the most apt Hero's Journey is that of Odysseus, specifically during his encounter with the Sirens: the sirens sang a song which would drive sailors to madness and cause them to crash their ships in order to reach the sirens.  Odysseus ordered his crew to plug their ears with wax so that they would not hear the siren's song.  While he had himself bound to the mast of the ship and ordered his men not to release him no matter what he ordered until they had sailed past the sirens.  This way he heard the sirens' song and this made him wiser.

Best wishes,

Schwing

Thank you Schwing
Initially, yes, I needed mitigation of symptom - & now back to the onion.
I very often say, we teach what we most need to learn and that "the greatest gifts that we were given, the ones that we help others with or are known for are/were always meant for us to heal ourselves first". Of course, I should mention that my life's work has been bodywork and energy healing, (early on culinary arts) - primarily assisting in facilitating this healing with others.

What do premature infants need most? Touch & Nourishment.

I know that "we teach what we most need to learn".

The core work I am doing right now with a native American Shaman and in many other ways is actually deeply feeling the past and current emotions  and where they are in my body - & energy field and transmuting them into fuel for my beautiful present and future.

That is one of the reasons I am here, to have assistance with the SWIRL (Susan Anderson)of emotions that arise, Moments of high insightful clarity self empowerment and peace - to confusion, helpless, irrational primal desire to try one more time with the ex, or to fantasize, maybe I misinterpreted all the abuse, or maybe if I change or explain it better it will all work out.

I am here for validation of my experience & to tease apart the facts and actions from the words and gas lighting of my past relationships.

As for the Sirens - Sometimes I want ear plugs & sometimes I want to be tied to the mast... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi mindbodysoul,

Thank you for sharing some of your story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that as a child. You are right, you were supposed to be nurtured and loved and cared for as a child, not neglected and abused. I imagine growing up like that must have felt scary and lonely.  I commend you for working so diligently on, and honestly sharing,  your issues.

I fully understand your conflicting feelings about wanting to try again with your exgf and also feeling that it's not good for you. I know I've been there, and it's hard to let go. You mentioned Susan Anderson's steps in the grieving process (SWIRL: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, Lifting). That book helped me a lot to understand what I was going through after my breakup.   

What stage do feel you are in most recently, mindbodysoul? If you can, tell us what feelings are coming up most often for you. How are you relating to them? 

heartandwhole