She continues to call and e-mail me

[Only Child]

Hi ~~ I haven't posted in awhile about my elderly (94-1/2 year old) uBPD mother ... .as I have shared before, I am an only child of this uBPD mother, with no other family than her (father died when I was an infant, no siblings).

I go through traumatic times with her, alternating with more relatively stable times, but as of last Saturday, the "witch" returned and it's making my life hell.  I really feel that I alternatively hate her or pity her, but I don't "love" her, and I don't think it's healthy for us to be in each other's lives.  I know she's elderly, but I'm considering getting a TRO served on her and getting the court involved to get her to stop clinging to me (she continues to call and e-mail me, when I've made a clear announcement that I want NO CONTACT).  I'm rather worried, though if she violates the TRO (which she probably will) she could end up in jail, which might kill her.  How do you get these crazy BPD's to stop tormenting you when you ask for no contact?  She is violating every rule in place and not hearing anything I've said about wanting no contact and why that's necessary.  I also need help to save my own sanity--I just started a new job, and this is seriously affecting my mental/emotional state to be able to manage on my job... .she always turns on me when my life changes for the better (or worse).  Changes in my life make her go crazy.  Thanks for reading

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY ONLY CHILD:  

I like your icon, cute kitty.  

Sorry about the situation with your mom.   Does she still live in her own home, or does she reside in some  assisted living situation? Does she have anyone who is in a caretaker roll for her right now?

Even if she seems to be mentally sharp, it is hard to tell what all is going on with her mentally, unless you are frequently around her and communicating with her.  Some age-related decline in her mental capacity (dementia, etc.), could be in play, which could cause forgetfulness and/or paranoia.  The skills that can be beneficial, when used on younger pwBPd, might not be beneficial in this situation.

Does your mom still drive (hopefully not)? I know the answer is generally "no", but occasionally I'm surprised to hear about someone who is 100 years old and still drives (unusual, but possible).  :)oes she call you at work and cause trouble there?

One option is to try and establish an informal restraining order, by blocking and ignoring some things. Depending on where you live, you might have a challenge getting a restraining order on a 94 year old.  Then, there would be the cost, even if you tried to get a court order on your own, without a lawyer.  
Does she call you at work and cause trouble there?

For email, you can create a folder in your email files and create a rule that will automatically send your mom's emails to the folder.  Then, just don't look at the folder.  If you current email program/provider doesn't have that feature, you can create a free account somewhere like Google Mail, forward your mail there and then manage it within Google Mail with a folder.

For texts, you can block her.  The blocking feature will differ with phone and providers.  I blocked my uBPD sister.  I don't get text message notifications.  If I want to irritate myself, I can dig deep into a phone program and see what blocked messages there were, but I ignore it.

For phone calls on a cell phone, you can block those as well in such a manner that you won't get notifications of calls.  

For a landline phone, screen calls and delete voicemails.  If you don't rely on the landline for much, you can always disable the voice mail feature periodically.  I just let mine fill up to capacity and then no one can leave a message.  Most of my landline calls are from people selling things.  Anyone I have a need to talk to calls my cell phone.

From your knowledge, is anyone designated to come into play when your mom needs to engage a medical and/or financial power of attorney?

Only you can decide what action you need to take for your own sanity and well being. Elder care can be a tough situation (with lots of challenges), even with those who don't have personality disorders.  It has to be a challenging situation for you.  I don't know where you live, but are there any social service agencies where you live that might be able to assess her and take some measures to "tame" her?  Maybe someone connected with her health care or daily care can assistance with diverting her attention to some senior activity to get her mind occupied with something other than you?

[Panda39]

Hi ~~ I haven't posted in awhile about my elderly (94-1/2 year old) uBPD mother ... .as I have shared before, I am an only child of this uBPD mother, with no other family than her (father died when I was an infant, no siblings).

I go through traumatic times with her, alternating with more relatively stable times, but as of last Saturday, the "witch" returned and it's making my life hell.  I really feel that I alternatively hate her or pity her, but I don't "love" her, and I don't think it's healthy for us to be in each other's lives.  I know she's elderly, but I'm considering getting a TRO served on her and getting the court involved to get her to stop clinging to me (she continues to call and e-mail me, when I've made a clear announcement that I want NO CONTACT).  I'm rather worried, though if she violates the TRO (which she probably will) she could end up in jail, which might kill her.  How do you get these crazy BPD's to stop tormenting you when you ask for no contact?  She is violating every rule in place and not hearing anything I've said about wanting no contact and why that's necessary.  I also need help to save my own sanity--I just started a new job, and this is seriously affecting my mental/emotional state to be able to manage on my job... .she always turns on me when my life changes for the better (or worse).  Changes in my life make her go crazy.  Thanks for reading

If you want no contact and that is your boundary then you need to enforce that boundary.  Can you do this yourself without a TRO?  A TRO will escalate the drama are you sure that's the way to go?  How is she making contact with you?  Is she calling, emailing, stopping by... .?  Is she using FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) as a way to engage you?  How about if she calls you hang up, or block her email, or don't answer the door? What are some ways you think you can enforce your NC boundary before resorting to a TRO?

Panda39

[Only Child]

thanks Naughty Nibbler & Panda39.

To answer your questions:  no, she's not calling me at work (yet!), but she has done so in the past, and hopefully she can't find the number or figure out where I am (I was vague in my info to her on purpose).  Yes, she drives, yes she lives alone still.  Good idea about trying to find a social services agency nearby (we live in different cities, 50 miles apart), but they have been fairly negligible with help in that regard in the past because she knows how to trick them.  I'm considering calling her doctor, though that's a breach of privacy issue.  I am doing my best to screen and delete her incoming voice-messages, and yes, N.N. I have finally figured out how to move her messages to the "delete" folder in my e-mail and try not to look at them.  She hasn't listened to a word I said about actually hating her and pitying her and I don't think it's wise for us to be in contact any more.  It's like she completely ignored every word.  At any rate, I do agree that an actual TRO will only escalate the drama, and this is what I must avoid.  But my sanity is at stake now--I just started a new job.  I'm sure she is trying her best to make sure I screw up my new job.  She acts out like this whenever important things happen in my life--she has to stay away.  I'm going on age 67 and I cannot tolerate this any more, and my own life is faltering badly as it is.  I am overwhelmed and depressed and frustrated and... .on and on.   To answer your other questions, N.N., no my mom does not have a  caregiver, nor is there anyone I can call for help among her neighbors/community activities.  Also, I am listed on her POA in case of medical emergency... .but it has to be that way right now.  BTW, she does go to some senior activities, but nothing is going on during the summer, so she goes crazy like this every summer (and other times, like holidays, or whenever my life changes for the better, or worse)... .thanks for reading and commenting

[Naughty Nibbler]

yes, N.N. I have finally figured out how to move her messages to the "delete" folder in my e-mail and try not to look at them.

Another option is to identify her emails as Spam or blocked mail and it will automatically go to your Spam folder.  Some email programs automatically empty the Spam bucket at certain intervals.

no, she's not calling me at work (yet!), but she has done so in the past, and hopefully she can't find the number or figure out where I am (I was vague in my info to her on purpose).    

 One thing to do is schedule some time (i.e. 30 minutes) to just think about what you would do if your mom found your work phone number.  Write out your thoughts.  Are you easily available by phone? Would she have to go through someone else to get to you?  How would you handle it.  Write it out, put it somewhere and forget about it.  When the thought comes to your mind in the form of worrying, block it with some other more pleasant thought.  Should she find you and get through on the phone, remember your plan at that time.  If she doesn't know where you work, she won't likely find you.

 

I'm considering calling her doctor, though that's a breach of privacy issue.  

 Maybe the doctor would have some ideas or have some suggestions of agencies to talk to.  If you could take away the personality disorder, your mom seems to have won the gene pool lottery.  Being 94 1/2 and still driving and living in her own home unassisted is rare.  Perhaps her luck will hold and she will pass in a manner that is acceptable to her.  My mom (who was a non) recently passed, after a 6 month period spent bouncing back and forth between multiple hospitals and multiple skilled nursing homes.  She commented once that she never anticipated that her life would end this way.  She just thought that she would have a sudden death, from a heart attack or stroke, and perhaps just die in her sleep at home.

 

I am listed on her POA in case of medical emergency... .but it has to be that way right now.

You might want to think the situation through.  If you get a call from a hospital saying your mom is incapacitated and you are asked to sign papers as medical POA, how will you handle it?  Will you decline, or will you go to the hospital?  

[Only Child]

really good comments, N.N.  You think like I do, and maybe even better because you go one step further with ideas that I hadn't thought of.  Appreciate your thoughtful suggestions. 

Today, I made an appointment with a new therapist, I discontinued my other therapist that I had since 1990 up to 9 months ago, and I'm not doing well, need some real support here.  I'm almost 66-1/2 years myself. Will post again if there are updates.

I think I'm in a state of denial and shock and I need to take care of myself, too (emotionally)

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Only Child! 

Sounds as if your mom is exhibiting a common trait of BPD and heading towards perceived rejection which may be triggered by the new job you got. I am sorry for how she is behaving, and how unfair it must feel. You've succeeded in something good and look at how she flies off! What an awful disorder when a parent can't rejoice in the accomplishments of their child but instaed, once again, makes it all about them.

I agree with Naughty Nibbler that it is entirely appropriate that you firmly establish some enforceable boundaries and stick with them. Boundaries are for the person setting them up, not for those whom we need to establish them against. They protect you emotionally and physically. An uBPD will not respect them, and that is where it's so important that you respect and value yourself by enforcing them. Sounds like you are headed on the right track. 

Wools

[Only Child]

Thanks Woolspinner2000.  Good analysis that mom's behavior is "perceived rejection" by my new job and my lack of ability to give her my undying attention.  That's absolutely on target, and thanks for that, these comments really help make me from going crazy with FOG.  The weird thing is, mom has been going to a new therapist (she's changed therapists like some people change hairdressers) and just before this happened (but things were starting to already lead up to it), she actually said "I have a personality problem which doesn't allow me to show the love I feel for you".  Congrats, Mom, I thought, you finally self-diagnosed your own BPD.  Not that it's going to help, she probably said that just to bait me.  Also, I find it interesting that even though she's going to this new therapist that she seems to "like", her BPD symptoms are activated worse than ever.  At any rate, I'm glad she's going to a therapist she actually said is "pretty good".  That's the only help she has in her life, right now.  So be it.  Yes, it is horrible when my mom takes all my accomplishments and makes it about her.  Really, really horrible.  My real sadness is of course that I have no other family for support, but I thank this site for all its kind members that keep each other from going insane from the BPD's in their lives.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again OnlyChild,

I'm glad that the things I shared were helpful. I imagine the pot is really stirred in your mom with her seeing a new T, and her feelings are probably projecting to all those around her. It's one thing if there really is some good help for her, but how difficult it must be for you to empathize when she's merely adding instability, once again, in greater amounts to the previously unstable relationship you had with her. Personally I find it one of the crazy makers for me, those relationships that constantly go up and down. Makes you seasick doesn't it? 

I'm sorry for the fact that she doesn't validate you, especially when it is a great, real need that you have. Members here can totally relate, including me. Tell me, what can you do (or are you doing) to get those validation needs met? If you find healthy sources for getting your needs met, the pressure to seek them being fulfilled from those we only wish could do that will lessen. I speak from experience. I have slowly but steadily been reaching out to a few safe, encouraging friends, and over time, my emotional needs are being met, and the need to look to those who cannot meet them has been reduced by a long shot. Know that it hasn't happened overnight, but it can happen.

I'm also curious what books you've read to help you understand your own needs and how they were unmet by the uBPDm in your life.

Please stay in touch! This is a great resource for some of those needs you have. 

 
Wools

[Only Child]

Thanks again, Wools 

To answer your question about "what books I've read", the big book was:

 "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christine Ann Lawson.  Great book, but a painful and revealing read.

To answer your question about what I'm doing to get those validation needs met, I do the same as you--stop pursuing people who are unavailable and not able to meet my needs.  There are very few of those in the world anywhere, and I've left most of them behind.  I'm a singer-songwriter, so playing music helps a lot to get validation.  I also have a new therapist--not sure how that will work out but he seems to understand the uBPDm.  Thanks again
 

[Only Child]

"I'm also curious what books you've read to help you understand your own needs and how they were unmet by the uBPDm in your life."

In addition to the "Understanding the Borderline Mother" book I've mentioned in my last post, I have been in depth therapy, weekly (and sometimes more) with the same therapist from 1990 to 9 months ago.  We covered alot of ground and it finally was in 2005 that I went off denial and realized for the first time my mom was uBPD.  The remaining 10 years in therapy was coping with this realization and working on my needs getting fulfilled.  I'm not there yet, obviously, but always working on it... .many obstacles, including PTSD, chronic depression and anxiety

[Kwamina]

Hi Only Child

You've gotten some great advice from Naughty Nibbler, Panda39 and Wools, they are very wise

I am sorry your mother's behavior is affecting you so but am glad to see you reaching out here again for support to help you through this.

To answer your question about "what books I've read", the big book was:

 "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship" by Christine Ann Lawson.  Great book, but a painful and revealing read.

Yeah that was the big book for me too! Most important book I have read about BPD, perhaps the most important book I've read period. I found it a very difficult and painful read too, yet very validating.

I'm a singer-songwriter, so playing music helps a lot to get validation.  I also have a new therapist--not sure how that will work out but he seems to understand the uBPDm.  Thanks again

It is great that you have your music to help you express yourself Having a support network is very important, you don't have any siblings or other family-members so I hope your new therapist will prove to be helpful.

The remaining 10 years in therapy was coping with this realization and working on my needs getting fulfilled.  I'm not there yet, obviously, but always working on it... .many obstacles, including PTSD, chronic depression and anxiety

Healing takes time, especially when you are trying to heal from decades of abuse from a uBPD parent. You are doing the work though and that's very positive Accepting this harsh reality of having a BPD parent and what it means, isn't easy and I totally understand why this takes a lot of time. I like many other members am still dealing with this too. At least we can keep each other company on these boards as we take these steps on our healing path. To quote Pete Walker: "Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Only Child]

thanks Kwamina,

I am also a dancer, and between dancing and being a singer-songwriter/guitarist, my feelings are able to be released through music (the soul) and dancing (trauma trapped in the body).  I  highly recommend dancing to all children and family members suffering from a BPD family member.  Anyone can dance, and the endorphins released from dancing allow you to envision a different, happier, empowered reality for yourself.  It's sure helped me dancing the last 6 years intensively.

I also hope my new therapist works out--- so far he understands and acknowledges my need for NO CONTACT now from my uBPDm.  I was afraid he was going to try to tell me to learn to cope with her, because she's so elderly.  We're working on FOG. 

Yes, I find this site helpful--these are the people who really understand what it's like to have a BPD mother... .I could write a book, myself.  The first time I almost admitted that mom was BPD (but didn't know exactly what to call it yet) was when I saw the movie "Mommie Dearest" (1981) about Joan Crawford's abusive relationship with her adopted daughter, Cristina.  After seeing that, I realized my mom was just like that, and the wheels started to turn for me, but it's been an excruciatingly slow process.  Now I'm trying to go from "Survival" to "Thrive", and that's the hardest part of my life so far, being age 66. 

[Kwamina]

Yes I remember when you talked about your dancing before. Great that this also helps you cope

Going from survivor to thriver can be quite challenging indeed. The Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse can help with that. I probably talked about it before but since I'm a parrot I think it's ok that I repeat myself here  When you look at the survivors' guide in the right-hand side margin of this board, what do you consider the main areas you are currently working on or would like to work on?

Take care,

The Dancing Parrot!

[Only Child]

Dancing Parrot, to answer your question (or really did you ask it for me to ask myself?) I am still in the mourning phase of Surviving Child Abuse.  I've been through this phase before, and now it seems I'm mourning again (I have had repeated cycles of remembering, mourning and healing since I became aware of my abuse in the mid-1980's).  Sometimes I think I'm on the road to healing, but it seems lately I feel like I've gone backward a few steps, and I'm dealing with self-sabotage issues, anger. low self-esteem, etc.  I'm hoping improving my financial situation by getting a part-time job will help (I am not willing, nor do I have energy for working more than part-time).  I have suffered pretty great financial losses over the past 6 years since I retired early on SSDI at age 60, and I'm accepting that, but must move on towards self-sufficiency again.  
 

The recent (on July 2nd) blow-up and then going back into No Contact with my uBPDm kind of set me back again--I am now in mourning again and it feels horrible.  I feel pretty alienated from the world in general and very lackluster about the things I usually enjoy, and feeling a little hopeless, too and starting to really feel my true age.   

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Only child,

I'm so sorry for this pain, the time of feeling alone and sad that you are currently in. Thank you so much for sharing where you are with us. You are not alone, and believe me, we all get it here and understand what you are going through. 

One of my favorite books about BPD is Surviving a Borderline Parent. Have you read this one? It was the first book I picked up about BPD, and it was the beginning of my understanding and journey to healing. I still read it now, nearly 7 years after I first learned about BPD. Each phase of my life, such as over on the list to the right which Kwamina referred to, has brought changes, peeling back of layers, and now I see things clearer than the last time I looked. I imagine you do too. Remember it is a process, not a destination. Be kind to yourself, as you can, for it is an arduous task to walk through. I liken it to walking through knee deep mud with boots on, and the boots get sucked off my feet when I try to take the next step.

Hang in there! 

Wools

[Only Child]

  I will try to order that book from the library - Surviving a Borderline Parent.

Right now, my problems are accentuated by the fact that I'm seriously running out of money, and I live in fear that my landlord will evict me in order to get more rent money for my place.  My living situation is the best thing, besides my cats, that I have going for me in terms of comfort, besides my music.  I have no  friends, no family.  If I have to leave this place, I have no idea what I will do or where I will go. 

Trying to keep my head above water to keep from drowning in all this... .

thanks for your help

[Only Child]

  Hi all, It's been a few weeks(?) since my last post and I thought I'd check in with an update on my uBPD mom, who is still steeped in major denial about my request for N/C, as of 7/2/16.

For awhile, she continued to e-mail me non-stop.  My e-mail somehow was unable to block her address, so I created a "rule" in my e-mail account, which was to immediately move all her incoming e-mails to the "deleted" folder (of course the temptation there was not to look for them in "deleted", which I did sometimes, but I stopped).  Eventually the e-mails from her stopped altogether and I could breathe a bit of a sigh of relief, while I continued to search for jobs and focus on my own survival as to how I was going to bring in an income, having been on SSDI for the last 6 years, unable to work because of chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD and probably ODC, too,  and apparently unable to return to my former occupation because of all that time off.  It's been very hard times for me, wondering if I will end up homeless.  Meanwhile my uBPD Mom lives in a 2-bdrm, 2-bath condo and has savings investments.  Granted, she needs the money as she is 94-1/2, but I think she could do a little better than electronically transfer a few hundred bucks each month to my bank account (which she threatened to discontinue at our last visit, which is the reason why I went back into N/C with her).  

So for awhile, anyway, things were quiet, and I thought she had gotten involved in other things, but recently, she started calling again, and when she does (I screen all my calls), I immediately cut her off and hang up when I hear her voice on my answering machine.  This has happened twice already in the last week.  This always gets me stressed out, that she still doesn't understand what the word "No" in "No Contact" means.  I hope she doesn't try to call and leave a message when I'm not there, in which case she'll take up the entire length of the message allotment on my voice-mail system, crying and carrying on and all that.  My prediction is that her attempts to contact, especially by phone will increase as we approach Fall and the holidays.  She always goes totally berserk around those times, starting with the day the clocks go back for DST.

I've seen my new therapist a couple times now, and I think he really, really understands what it's like to have a BPD mother and suffered abuse from her all my life.  It has made me start feeling incredibly sad about how my life energy has been sucked by this monster, and I've begun to stop feeling sorry for her, and feeling more sorry for myself.  Because right now, I need all the attention and comfort and help I can get to survive if I want to keep a roof over my head.

On Memorial Weekend, I even started a GoFundMe.com campaign to get financial help from people who cared, because it was getting that scary.  I made $500 from donations, and then I found a job which lasted for about a month until it became too stressful and physically challenging for me.

I had to quit that job around mid-July because it was too stressful for me, but I just found a new job that starts 8/24 and I hope it works out.  Only 10 hours per week, with a decent amount of pay per week, and very low stress level.  In other words, anyone could do this.  I'm a talented person with a good brain, a lot of skills and I've had to end up doing a very low-skill job, because no one else will have me in my former occupation.  It's really horrible.

But I'm trying to stay positive and tell myself, "this is my retirement job" and be glad that I will not be too stressed out because of pressure.

That's all for now.  Thanks again for reading this

[Kwamina]

Hi again Only Child and thanks for this update

You are dealing with a lot right now, not just your mother's behavior but also your financial situation. It is great that you have the support of a new therapist now who seems to have a thorough understanding of what it means to have a BPD mother and how this affects you.

I've seen my new therapist a couple times now, and I think he really, really understands what it's like to have a BPD mother and suffered abuse from her all my life.  It has made me start feeling incredibly sad about how my life energy has been sucked by this monster, and I've begun to stop feeling sorry for her, and feeling more sorry for myself.  Because right now, I need all the attention and comfort and help I can get to survive if I want to keep a roof over my head.

Coming to terms with how our BPD parents have affected us and the consequences their behavior has had for our own lives, can be really hard. We cannot undo what has been done but what we can do is try to heal ourselves as best we can. We've recently added a new feature article that I encourage you to take a look at: Letting go of resentment

We can only deal with so much at a time and it makes sense to focus your energy on what is most important then. Considering the uncertainty surrounding your financial situation, I think it is indeed wise to focus on that now, while still working on healing your pain of course. You have just found a new job, congratulations! Unfortunately you currently are unable to get a job in your former work field, but I hope this new job will work out and alleviate some of the stress you are experiencing as a result of the financial uncertainty.

Take care

The Board Parrot (birds and cats can get along just fine! )

[Notwendy]

Hi onlychild,

I am glad you have found support here on this board and are working toward healing. I wanted to comment on your post about the finances between you and your mother. This can be a sticky situation.

My mother controlled the finances in my FOO. My parents had a traditional marriage- she stayed home, Dad worked, but she controlled the money. I actually have friends who have a similar situation, and it works for them for mom to run the family budget. But it isn't control. Large decisions are made mutually, children have money for college, everything runs in the best interest of the family as a whole.

For my mother, money was a means of control- to get what she wants. If she was angry at me, I wouldn't get money for college. My parents could well afford it. One might say, as you have " she could do better". Yes, a loving parent could do better for a child on disability payments, yes, a loving parent might help a child with college expenses, but we run into trouble with expectations like this when a parent is disordered.

The truth is, that the money my mother has, is hers to do what she wants with. This was not an easy thing to come to terms with, as I think  she mismanages money. Yet any attempts to help her with that have triggered her into rages. I don't want her money, but I wish she would manage it better. She wants absolute control. So - as it is her money, her decision rules whether I like it or not.

I truly see how you feel, struggling while your mother is comfortable, and wondering why she won't help you more. I felt the same way putting myself through college while Mom collected luxury items. But it wasn't my money to decide what to do with.

I've also come to understand that, if my mother does give anyone money, it comes with strings attached. For me, to be truly free of my mother's control, I can not accept money from her.

In some cases, NC may not be realistic. I have a sibling with some disabilities and she send money to that sibling. However - it isn't free money- it comes with expectations. She, at time, has been verbally abusive to this sibling, yet, if this sibling were to go NC, the money would be gone as well.

I think adult children have the right to choose NC if they want, but I don't think someone can be NC with a parent and still ask for financial support.

NC isn't the only choice though. There is LC. I think it is great that you are taking steps towards financial independence, but so long as there is a financial connection between the two of you, I don't know if full NC is a realistic expectation as she has the right to do what she wishes with her money, whether it is a good decision or not.

[Only Child]

appreciate your comments back to my last post, NotWendy and Kwamina... .

Especially wanted to address the comments from NotWendy, which were spot on.  Of course I realize that any financial connection to mom will have strings attached--I've known this all my life.  She does the same thing as your mother, pulls away the money when she hates herself, or me (I didn't get to go for my Master's Degree because of this).   However, I told her I didn't want her money any more at our last meeting, because I was sick of her using it against me.  In other words, I told her to discontinue these deposits, which come electronically.  However, she refused to stop, which is very ironic.  And being in NC I'm not able to confront her for any arguments because it's too stressful for me.  My goal now is just to become financially stable so if she pulls away the $$, I'll be OK.

I totally agree what you say about attempting financial liaisons with the BPD which are extremely tenuous and dangerous.  And I also agree that this money is HER money, and she deserves every penny of it, because, if nothing else, she worked hard for it, even though she was a workaholic all of her life.  I don't have any rights to her money.  I already do know this.    I have worked hard to detach from her manipulations through money, and I believe I have a good sense of what I need to do in this regard,  so I'm doing the best I can.  The problem is, I was severely abused as a child and had absolutely ZERO family or friends for support, so at this age, I am suffering from too much trauma (as well as my aging) to be able to be financially stable, though I am trying hard, and trying to let go of any financial strings with mom, even after she dies. 

Thanks for your comments

[Only Child]

One more general comment about the feedback here:  I notice that the best, most useful feedback to me comes from others who have a parent who is BPD (esp. mother).  I hate to say this, but those who don't (who have an S.O. or sibling or child BPD), tend to be more judgmental and didactic in their feedback, which for me is a kind of deal-breaker and I immediately shut down when I feel judged or schooled in any way.

First of all, being age 66-1/2 and lived all my life with no family or support whatsoever with only my single uBPD mom, and having been in therapy constantly since age 18, I pretty much know what I "shouldn't" do and what my weaknesses are and I what I need to work on.  There is really nothing you can say about the errors of my ways that I don't already know--my resentment about my upbringing, my continuing financial dependence, etc.  But please, don't tell me that N/C is not realistic, when it MUST be done to save my sanity.

Also, what I need most from folks is empathy and understanding and the ability to go somewhere and talk about this stuff that NOBODY ELSE understands (or admits they do), and be safe about it.  I think one can give "advice", but it should be done gently, without the least tone of criticism.  If you were to give a number from 1-10 on the "abuse scale", mine would be a 10, so I appreciate people being sensitive to their comments whose underlying motive is full of "shoulds and oughts".  If one truly understands and has experienced the pain of growing up ALONE with a BPD mother (which is like being a hostage to a kidnapper), then you know to couch all advice with tons of TLC and empathy.  Thank you again for reading this and your comments.

[Notwendy]

I apologize if my comments came across as criticism. I was trying to share my ideas about a similar dilemma with my mother when it comes to monetary ties.  Although I also post on other boards, I do have a mother who is very affected by BPD. She controlled any money in the home, even though my father earned it. He was not allowed to give me anything without her permission.

The only way I knew to be "free" of this kind of hurtful power, was to not want or ask anything from her. That is what worked for me but I sincerely hope that there is a solution that works better for you. I hope that other posters can offer something that is more helpful to you.

[Notwendy]

Please also allow me to clarify that my intent was not to be critical of you but to share some of what I wish I knew about BPD family dynamics when I began to set boundaries with my elderly parents.

I don't doubt for a second that you are a victim of horrific abuse and that you have many reasons to be NC with your mother. That is a choice you have every right to make and if you think it is the best choice for you then do that.

What I was not aware of at the time was that there was a cost to my setting boundaries. I wish I had known that. While boundaries are essential- I think understanding a bigger picture would have helped me.

All families are different and in my case, the age of my parents played a factor. So did the drama triangle. While nobody would question that we kids were victims of my mothers abuse, as far as she is concerned- she is the victim- and there are no other victims.

When I set boundaries my parents reacted as if they were my victims. It is this perspective that turns my mother into full Witch mode. The result was that they set out to punish me. I didn't want their money but I wanted my father's blessings and some of his possessions as they were sentimental to me. By the time he passed away - I was disowned.

At the moment, my mother has ownership of everything my father had. My father left her with generous support. Yet according to her, he treated her horribly and she is his victim. My sibling - who needs her support- has approached this differently - by taking a more middle ground and was not disowned. But for this sib- there is less freedom. It isn't all about money for this sib- but  survival is a consideration.

I share my story only to help. A BPD parent can mean we have tough choices. Yet making these choices is important for our well being. I hope it helps any readers to look at these choices from different perspectives.

[Kwamina]

Hi Only Child,

I think it makes sense that people in a similar situation, in this case who also have a BPD parent, particularly a BPD mom, would be particularly suited to place themselves in your shoes. Having said that, it can also be very helpful to get an outside perspective from people who might have a slightly different background as they might see things that we don't after living a certain way for a very long time. How does that sound to you?

I think advice is just that, advice, nothing more and nothing less. It is your life and you are the one who decides what you want to do with it, no one else gets to make that decision. Going NC or not is always a highly personal decision, a decision only you can make. Getting different viewpoints, different types of advice might help us make the best informed decisions, but ultimately it is always your own decision to make and also your own decision what you do with any advice given to you.

Feeling judged or schooled is very unpleasant indeed. It is important to be mindful of our feelings and also of the fact that our feelings might not always accurately reflect what's really going on, particularly when we might be stressed or triggered. Last year you made some comments that I think are particularly relevant now considering what you said in your last post:

Yes, I've had many flashbacks through the years, mostly they come about when I feel any kind of judgment or hostility or intuitively sense any anger or rejection from anyone.  Most of this sensitivity is from my growing up with a very unstable uBPD mother who was constantly on my case but unpredictably so. I am reminded of my mother's consternation and abuse every time I feel any slightest form of hostility from anyone--in the workplace, on facebook, on self-help sites, in support groups, among friends--anywhere. I would sometime like to know how to undo this trigger.

When you reread this quote from last year, do you feel it still applies to you now?

We have many members posting here with different backgrounds. All our members are dealing with their own struggles which they post about. Yet while dealing with their personal struggles, many of them still take the time to try and respond to other members as best as they can. Sometimes they might not always know what to say, might find it difficult to find the right words or perhaps have worded certain things a bit unfortunately. Yet the fact that so many members take the time to respond to others when they don't have to and are also dealing with their own pain, really shows how much people care about each other on these boards.

[Harri]

Hi Onlychild, it is good to meet you.

Perhaps the next time you post, you might begin it by stating that you are looking only for validation and prefer not to receive advice?  What do you think?  I am not sure you can dictate what kinds of replies you receive but at least you will be direct about it and people will not have to guess and then be surprised when you take exception to their feedback.  So many times I have started to post a reply and then deleted it in fear that my reply would be too direct or seen as confrontational.  Sometimes I go ahead and reply anyway, always with concern and understanding and fortunately it seems to usually work out.  Occasionally there is a bit of a snafu... .all I can do is my best and hope that no one will stop posting because I may have triggered something (but then again, I look at being triggered as a sign of what I need more work on so it is all positive for me).

If one truly understands and has experienced the pain of growing up ALONE with a BPD mother (which is like being a hostage to a kidnapper), then you know to couch all advice with tons of TLC and empathy.

 See now, I prefer the direct approach without 'tons of TLC and sympathy'.  I want people to challenge me and offer alternative views and so I love it when someone with a BPD spouse, sibling, child or ex replies to me.  I read all of the other boards so that I can broaden my perspective.  Besides, too much sympathy and TLC makes me want to run for the hills.

Anyway, I just wanted to jump in and say that all of us are different and have valuable feedback but there is nothing wrong with prefacing a post with a statement about what you hope to get response wise.

I wish you the best on your new job and I hope that you are able to get to a place of financial comfort.  I share many of your struggles and concerns so I am rooting for you.

[Only Child]

points well taken repliers, all.  I understand what you are saying about everyone coming from different backgrounds with BPD family members, but right now I'm having a bit of a depressive episode for some reason, so I think I should take time out and calm down before I send off any replies to your replies, Harri, Kwamina, NotWendy, et al.

I just want to say to NotWendy that at my age and enlightenment about my uBPD mom, I totally get that there are strings attached to her money.  I've always known this, she has only manipulated me with money, has never loved me or given money or anything out of love, only manipulation.  I've known this for many, many years, so it's no surprise to me what asking for N/C will do on her end in terms of her reaction.  However, at this point, I need to save myself and the only way to do this is N/C, so if she reacts, she reacts.  I've come to the point where I'll take her money if she's giving it, and accept if she takes it away.  I don't feel any emotional attachment to her money.  It's just either there or it isn't.  I no longer have expectations about it or her.  Her money is just a thing to deal with.  Just a concept and a symbol is all.

[Notwendy]

I think the money issue is cleared up at this point, so no further need to reply on that topic. I agree that NC and support while going through that is important, so please feel free to focus on that aspect of it. I understand that being in a depressive state is tough and hope that you feel better soon.  I hope that NC brings you more peace and energy to focus on you.

[Only Child]

Yes, I would agree.  I need to be offline for awhile.  I'm a little triggered and feeling in a depressed state.  Take care of myself before I reach out again   Thank you for your posts in response to mine

[Harri]

Hi OnlyChild.  I will be thinking of you in support as you deal with your triggers.  Hope to see you back when you can... .and even if you still feel triggered, this really is a soft place to land... .but only when you are ready.  I get being triggered and depressed so no pressure here.  Just know I am thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.