Update/Will it ever get easier?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am about 3 months out of a 10 year 'marriage' to an uBPD.  I left because of verbal and physical abuse to me and our 3 children.  He is holding everything I own and will not let me have anything but my clothes (and nothing of the children's).  He has also called the child abuse hotline on me at least 5 times that I know of since I left, but in the end I think that backfired and he may be in trouble for grabbing my 14 year old daughter.  The case is pending with the prosecutor (witnesses reported it to the police - not me as I was not present when it happened).

I have been NC for 3 weeks now.  I feel like I am fighting drug addiction!  It is hard to stop thinking of the good times, forgiving the bad, and wanting to help him.  I was doing pretty well (hadn't burst into tears in a few days until this morning.  First I got an email letting me know we have a court date Sept. 19, then a text from the visitation supervisor.  I am terrified of going to court.  I had a nightmarish court experience a few years back and I get a tight chest and cry even after talking to my lawyer, who is amazing and supportive.  I somehow have to be strong and unemotional for this and I don't really know how to do that!

Then the visitation supervisor asked if I could take the children to see him at our home.  I have never talked to her alone; he is always there so she has only heard his side of things.  Since I left, every time he is around the children, he talks and talks about them coming back to our home.  Tells them my new place is not their home.  I am not sure how they feel about going back, but I will talk to them this morning.  It will be very hard for me.  I worked hard finding the home and buying it, fixing it up, planting a huge garden and orchard, building fences for our animals, etc. and everything I own is there and he won't let me have any of it.  Since we weren't legally married, I have no right to any of it.  I was a stay at home mom, so I didn't financially participate.  I know I will have to take the children there at some point, but I guess I thought I had a little time before that would happen.

I will talk to my counselor tomorrow afternoon and that may help.  But I thought you all have likely dealt with similar issues and may have some supportive ideas.

[LilMe]

I am about 3 months out of a 10 year 'marriage' to an uBPD.  I left because of verbal and physical abuse to me and our 3 children.  He is holding everything I own and will not let me have anything but my clothes (and nothing of the children's).  He has also called the child abuse hotline on me at least 5 times that I know of since I left, but in the end I think that backfired and he may be in trouble for grabbing my 14 year old daughter.  The case is pending with the prosecutor (witnesses reported it to the police - not me as I was not present when it happened).

I have been NC for 3 weeks now.  I feel like I am fighting drug addiction!  It is hard to stop thinking of the good times, forgiving the bad, and wanting to help him.  I was doing pretty well (hadn't burst into tears in a few days until this morning.  First I got an email letting me know we have a court date Sept. 19, then a text from the visitation supervisor.  I am terrified of going to court.  I had a nightmarish court experience a few years back and I get a tight chest and cry even after talking to my lawyer, who is amazing and supportive.  I somehow have to be strong and unemotional for this and I don't really know how to do that!

Then the visitation supervisor asked if I could take the children to see him at our home.  I have never talked to her alone; he is always there so she has only heard his side of things.  Since I left, every time he is around the children, he talks and talks about them coming back to our home.  Tells them my new place is not their home.  I am not sure how they feel about going back, but I will talk to them this morning.  It will be very hard for me.  I worked hard finding the home and buying it, fixing it up, planting a huge garden and orchard, building fences for our animals, etc. and everything I own is there and he won't let me have any of it.  Since we weren't legally married, I have no right to any of it.  I was a stay at home mom, so I didn't financially participate.  I know I will have to take the children there at some point, but I guess I thought I had a little time before that would happen.

I will talk to my counselor tomorrow afternoon and that may help.  But I thought you all have likely dealt with similar issues and may have some supportive ideas.

[gotbushels]

Hi LilMe 

I'm supporting you. I'm sorry I don't have specific advice about your court situation but I do understand how tough it is to stop thinking of the good times. Things that tend not to help us. Things like forgetting all the bad and keeping only the good memories. Wanting to help the other person despite knowing that it may not really be helping the other person. I encourage you to draw strength and calm. It seems that you do indeed know that it may not be helpful to you to slide into those previous behaviours.

I encourage you to watch the video here and check out the thread. I don't think it will help you be unemotional, but I do think it will help you find strength. Bringing the right package of emotions may help you. Emotions like calmness in the situation and awareness of your surroundings sound like they might be helpful to you here.

I hope you're feeling better