I just realized that my mom has BPD...

[Praying4change]

 I could go on for pages, so I'm not really sure what to write.
My parents have been divorced for nearly 20 yrs (after a 20 yr marriage), and my mom's "issues"  have gotten worse and worse over the years. I always just thought that she suffers from depression, but I stumbled across some info about BPD yesterday; and it was startling. Every single description that I read about BPD was describing my mom's behavior TO A TEE! For a minute, I felt a little bit relieved that now I have a specific title that I can research and learn about. However, today I just feel a heavier weight on my shoulders, more stressed and sick to my stomach. I guess I am now realizing that her BPD will never get resolved. Before I kept thinking that some day (hopefully soon) great things will happen in her life, and all the anger, manipulation, and guilt trips will finally come to an end; and I can finally start living my life without the CONSTANT stress of worrying about how my mom is going to react to every little thing I do, say, or think. I've been praying for nearly 20 yrs for a wonderful man to come into my mom's life and give her the life she's been dying to have. Unfortunately, she pushes everyone out of her life, as soon as things start to go well. Whether it's a new friend, a new women's group at church, a volunteering opportunity. Etc. She comes up with a reason to back away Every single time. Then cries day after day, year after year, about being lonely... .that nobody likes her. She says she's too busy for everything that she tries to get involved in, but then cries that she doesn't have anything to do.
I just always felt like hopefully soon she will wake up determined move forward. But I'm seeing that this is who she is. She will not simply wake up with a new attitude. After 20 yrs, she's still the victim in the divorce and blames my dad for everything she's gone through. She hates her life. She pretty much always has, from unhappy childhood to unhappy marriage to a very unhappy post-marriage life. But now, I am SO emotionally tangled up in her manipulation and demands, that I picture myself spending another 30 yrs trying to make up for all the hard days she's had, doing everything I can to keep her anger at bay. Even if that means putting EVERYONE else's needs on the side, such as my children and husband. (Sigh)
And no... .she will not get counseling or ever seek real help. After all, she's not the one with the problem, it's everyone else in the world (except me) who have done her wrong.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Praying4change: Welcome to BPD Family!

Sorry about the situation with your mom.  So many of us have had a light bulb moment,   when the connection is made that we have a person with BPD in our life (pwBPD).  Mine came after a few weeks of therapy, when my therapist suggested I read the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  That book mentioned this website, and well, here I am, .  The wheels fell of the bus with my uBPD sister, when our parent's health began to decline and they both died within 6 months of each other.  We were "co" on everything, medical and financial POA's and then co-trustees on our parent's estate.  I couldn't understand why she treated me so badly.  It was a time when sisters should have supported each other.

, I am SO emotionally tangled up in her manipulation and demands, that I picture myself spending another 30 yrs trying to make up for all the hard days she's had, doing everything I can to keep her anger at bay. Even if that means putting EVERYONE else's needs on the side, such as my children and husband. (Sigh)
And no... .she will not get counseling or ever seek real help. After all, she's not the one with the problem, it's everyone else in the world (except me) who have done her wrong.    

It seems to be common that adults with BPD symptoms won't get therapy.  My sister said she didn't need it. I am the one who went to therapy to understand her crazy behavior

We can't change anyone, and we can't be responsible for another's happiness.  What we can change is how we interact and react. You should find reading about FOG: Fear, Obligation & Guilt and FOG DISCUSSION THREAD to be helpful to neutralize some or your emotions.

Setting BOUNDARIES will be very important to preserve your sanity.  Some COMMUNICATION SKILLS will be helpful, as well.

Have you read any books on BPD?  Some find "Understanding the Borderline Mother" helpful and "Stop Walking on Eggshells is another good one.  

Don't let it overwhelm you.  Start gaining more information and skills.  A lot of people find it helpful to post here and discuss specific situations and get some support in setting boundaries and using the various communication techniques.

Are there a couple of boundaries that you would like to start enforcing?  Is there a communication technique from the above article that you might want to try?

There is a lot more information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  

[Amorain]

I've read alot of these stories so far but yours... .is absolutely the same as mine.  Exactly the same.

Before I kept thinking that some day (hopefully soon) great things will happen in her life, and all the anger, manipulation, and guilt trips will finally come to an end; and I can finally start living my life without the CONSTANT stress of worrying about how my mom is going to react to every little thing I do, say, or think.

... .After all, she's not the one with the problem, it's everyone else in the world who have done her wrong.

Yup... .this is my thinking to.  Some days, we are actually talking, getting along and even though those times are far and few between, they exists even if they are becoming extinct and I feel like this is it... things will change... .but nope... .the next day, I do something not to her liking and by "not to her liking" I mean just something different than her own opinion on how to do it, and its all back the way it was.

But what I related to the most in your post was the living with constant stress of worrying how she will react.  How will she react to me getting a new job? How will she react to me finding an apartment? how will she react to putting my son in tutoring or even to what SCHOOL he is going to.

Oh I know how... .each and ever time it will be to put me down, never respect my decisions which are normal every day decisions people make, every day.

I get it.

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, praying4change. 

I relate very much to your post, and am glad you have found us. The resources and community here have been very helpful for me.

Before I kept thinking that some day (hopefully soon) great things will happen in her life, and all the anger, manipulation, and guilt trips will finally come to an end; and I can finally start living my life without the CONSTANT stress of worrying about how my mom is going to react to every little thing I do, say, or think

Just throwing this out there--it's possible to let go of worrying about your mother's reactions, even if her behavior never changes. We can't change other people, we can't control their happiness, but we can decide to make changes in ourselves. Worry is up to you.

Wishing you peace,

PF