I think I hit the climax and am done

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know what else to do. I hit a point I don't think anything good can come of this relationship. Things are only getting worse.

Last night she freaked out because my female coworker called and asked if I could be a reference for a new job she was applying for. That's it. I said sure and went on with my night. She did the usual asking 20 questions and getting quite upset and jealous. Even saying that I could have had sex with her in my office when everyone else is gone. Sure I could have BUT I DIDNT AND WONT. She wont understand that. She said I was wrong for saying yes and that I was too nice and that means girls will take advantage of me and I cant say no when they want to go out with me. Twice she apologized and then not long after went at it again. She cant control herself and just talks about how bad of a guy I am. That's not even the worst.

This morning she woke up and had a bad dream. She said that god was telling her that I was talking to a bunch of girls on my phone so she panicked and went searching on my phone for something or anything to prove this right. She saw an email from a different femail coworker where she asked if I could drive her to the airport. This is no normal coworker. She has been my friend for 5 years and far longer than me and my GF have been dating. She has taken me to the airport probably 10 times and even helped me move. HOWEVER I still told her no. I told her I could not do it. Yet my girlfriend flips out this morning making me an hour late for work because I didn't tell her. Even though I said no to her she felt like I was hiding something and there was more to it because I didn't tell her. Im sorry but that is too much. I tried validation which failed because she was too loud and yelling and couldn't hear what I was saying. Later when she left for work she was texting me and I tried validation again but it didn't work. She ignored everything I said and just kept going on and on and on about how I was wrong.

She said she wanted to break up before she left for work. She said she couldn't take a lying and cheating boyfriend LOL. Ok is this lying and cheating? She doesn't seem to be able to separate her feelings from reality and cant seem to bring herself back down to earth. She lives in a fantasy world. I think its time to let her go.

I told her later that I was just tired of being abused and I cannot take it anymore. I told her I was depressed because she emotionally beat me down almost every day and its best if we just let each other go. She completely ignored what I said and just responded "So its ok that you didn't tell me?"

Ughh. Im so tired and so done. Any advice welcome. We live together. I don't know how this will work out.

[jrharvey]

I don't know what else to do. I hit a point I don't think anything good can come of this relationship. Things are only getting worse.

Last night she freaked out because my female coworker called and asked if I could be a reference for a new job she was applying for. That's it. I said sure and went on with my night. She did the usual asking 20 questions and getting quite upset and jealous. Even saying that I could have had sex with her in my office when everyone else is gone. Sure I could have BUT I DIDNT AND WONT. She wont understand that. She said I was wrong for saying yes and that I was too nice and that means girls will take advantage of me and I cant say no when they want to go out with me. Twice she apologized and then not long after went at it again. She cant control herself and just talks about how bad of a guy I am. That's not even the worst.

This morning she woke up and had a bad dream. She said that god was telling her that I was talking to a bunch of girls on my phone so she panicked and went searching on my phone for something or anything to prove this right. She saw an email from a different femail coworker where she asked if I could drive her to the airport. This is no normal coworker. She has been my friend for 5 years and far longer than me and my GF have been dating. She has taken me to the airport probably 10 times and even helped me move. HOWEVER I still told her no. I told her I could not do it. Yet my girlfriend flips out this morning making me an hour late for work because I didn't tell her. Even though I said no to her she felt like I was hiding something and there was more to it because I didn't tell her. Im sorry but that is too much. I tried validation which failed because she was too loud and yelling and couldn't hear what I was saying. Later when she left for work she was texting me and I tried validation again but it didn't work. She ignored everything I said and just kept going on and on and on about how I was wrong.

She said she wanted to break up before she left for work. She said she couldn't take a lying and cheating boyfriend LOL. Ok is this lying and cheating? She doesn't seem to be able to separate her feelings from reality and cant seem to bring herself back down to earth. She lives in a fantasy world. I think its time to let her go.

I told her later that I was just tired of being abused and I cannot take it anymore. I told her I was depressed because she emotionally beat me down almost every day and its best if we just let each other go. She completely ignored what I said and just responded "So its ok that you didn't tell me?"

Ughh. Im so tired and so done. Any advice welcome. We live together. I don't know how this will work out.

[ICantFixHer]

How can you get out of there the soonest? You need to make a clean break and physically get out of there before we're all seeing you two on the 10 o'clock news.

As someone who has endured this kind of crap for 10 years, trust me -- you need to get out. Now.

Somehow you're going to have to make it happen. I left 90% of my stuff behind with the skunk; she can have it. No house or apartment or material possession is worth you having your sense of self taken away.

Advice: leave now, initiate NO CONTACT as soon as possible (ie. whenever you are done detaching yourself in every way), minimal contact until then.

Then simply walk away and try to forget about her. Some other dupe will take your place. Let them deal with her.

Best of luck, I feel for you.

[Wize]

I'm sorry you're going through this.  If you're still interested in making your relationship work, there are other boards.  If you are settled on detaching and have decided to remove yourself from this pwBPD's life, this is the right place.

Where are you at with this?

[jrharvey]

 I need to break away. Its not healthy. Its not getting better. She refuses therapy and claims she is getting better and I am the one not getting better. She said she is better now and I am the one messing up. I don't think there is anything left to salvage.

[woundedPhoenix]

She said she couldn't take a lying and cheating boyfriend  

I feel the awful position you are in and the hard choices in front of you. If you are depressed and emotionally worn down its best to at least consider a break from each other.

My question here is that she accuses you of lying and cheating. Is there any reason you think she might be lying and cheating on YOU?

Could be nothing, yet BPDs often project their own bad tendencies onto their partners.

[Skip]

Im so tired and so done. Any advice welcome. We live together. I don't know how this will work out.

Stay centered. Use your "wisemind".

She over-reacts. Don't do the same thing. You have been bouncing from one extreme to another.

I would validate her thinking - if there is no trust and respect in the relationship then it may very well be time to move on. Then I would then suggest that "we both table it till Wednesday and talk then."

Above all, don't start working the Detaching Intervention board just yet - that is only going to make the situation more polarized and you may regret that afterward.

I think the biggest question to ask yourself (on the Deciding Board) is if you have it in you to rise above the drama and lead - or are you someone that will always be triggered by her insecurities and always be caught up in her instable moods. It might not be the relationship for you.

I have two question. Has there been any event in the course of your dating that was inappropriate or borderline inappropriate with another women? Are you flirtatious to other women? Do you let her know that she is "the only one for you" at times when you are not fighting?

[jrharvey]

Is there any reason you think she might be lying and cheating on YOU?  

Its possible but I have no proof. She spends every single day with me. When she isn't at work she is with me. The only time she is away is if she goes shopping and to be honest she has a GPS app that tracks her location every minute. She wanted this to track me.

[Wize]

I need to break away. Its not healthy. Its not getting better. She refuses therapy and claims she is getting better and I am the one not getting better. She said she is better now and I am the one messing up. I don't think there is anything left to salvage.

I will challenge you to firm up your decision.  Chances are you know in your rational brain that this relationship is highly toxic and abusive to you.  What you will discover when you begin to detach is how integrated your emotional self is with this pwBPD.  Most of us had no idea how desperately attached we were to our SO wBPDs until after we were separated.  This is going to be Top 3 most painful experiences in your life, so please be prepared to take very good care of yourself during the detachment process. Inform your support system that you will be leaning heavily on them in the coming weeks and months.  Most importantly, make a decision and get away from your pwBPD and begin NC.  Healing begins with NC. We are here for you the whole way.  

[jrharvey]

I will challenge you to firm up your decision.  Chances are you know in your rational brain that this relationship is highly toxic and abusive to you.  What you will discover when you begin to detach is how integrated your emotional self is with this pwBPD.  Most of us had no idea how desperately attached we were to our SO wBPDs until after we were separated.  This is going to be Top 3 most painful experiences in your life, so please be prepared to take very good care of yourself during the detachment process. Inform your support system that you will be leaning heavily on them in the coming weeks and months.  Most importantly, make a decision and get away from your pwBPD and begin NC.  Healing begins with NC. We are here for you the whole way.  

Right now I welcome anything other than this relationship. Even death seems better. Im not thinking suicidal but seriously I think it would be better. This is hell. Ok I will take some time to think but I don't know how it can be worse. When she broke up before and spent 3 days away it was the most relaxed I have been. It felt good.

[Wize]

Right now I welcome anything other than this relationship. Even death seems better. Im not thinking suicidal but seriously I think it would be better. This is hell. Ok I will take some time to think but I don't know how it can be worse. When she broke up before and spent 3 days away it was the most relaxed I have been. It felt good.

Right there with you.  Living with my BPD wife was horrible in so many ways, paramount among them being the sorrow I felt from not being able to connect and communicate with the woman I love so much.  And when we separated, it was devastating to me to realize that my wife never felt for me the way I felt about her.  She said all the words "I love you more than life itself," "you're my best friend," "I would kill myself if you ever left."  She ended up replacing me and I ended up filing for divorce.

[Herodias]

I suggested to you once before that she could be projecting. They can cheat and you will have no idea that it is happening. Besides that... .you have moved to the detaching board. If you are serious, I would make a plan of somewhere to go. Do not let on to her at all... .Make a plan to leave when she is not around. Move and move fast. Get your things out and do not let her know where you are. It will be hard. The fist time I left I put my stuff onto a storage unit so I could get out fast and moved in with my Mother until I could make a plan. Unfortunately I got talked into going back to him. We we married and had a lot entangled with each other. She will form into a tornado... .really. I was treated worse than ever, because I hurt his ego. I suppose yours will accuse you of running off to another woman. If I were you, I would stop fighting about all of it. If she is saying she wants a break from you- fine... Agree with her. She says you are cheating- she probably is on you... Just agree- Just get out- Fast. Before she has time to think about it and love-bomb you back in... .She may want a "break" to date someone else for awhile. Don't fall for the love-bombing... .you know what she is like... .

[JQ]

Hello Jr,

Sorry that you're going through this yet again, but at some point when we're in a BPD r/s we get to a point, "a breaking point" where we the NON aka codependent is so broken down that we use what strength we have left to fight for ourselves and survive the r/s.

You are describing in part her projection on you. Accusing you of having sex with her in your office when everyone else is gone.  I was once accused by my now exBPDgf of this very thing in a very similar situation. 20 questions, interrogation of my time lines, etc.  I have a very keen memory, it has served me well through out my life personally but more importantly professionally.  uring more than one conversation she had with me, she would tell me of her "conquest" of superiors & coworkers where she would bend over their desk and have at it.  In fact one of her "former superiors" was terminated not long after this had happened.

She told me he had called things off, "married, kids, didn't want to risk loosing them". She admitted at one point she would get dressed in a skirt, heels and strut by his office to show him what he was missing. And the examples would continue one after the other of her "office romances".  I later used this information to help me in my assessment of my r/s with her & to stay or not. It sounds as if you're doing the same thing, I see your actions that mirror my own.

She projects onto you because she feels guilty of her actions currently or previously. She is also exhibiting typical BPD behavior of "extreme fear of abandonment". There is some gas lighting, devaluation, and projection just to name a few in your example of what is going on.

You like me, like a lot of us here are physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted & can't exist like this anymore. None of us here can blame you because we've been there. BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B Mental Illness that is beyond your control. Hell people with Ph.d's, and many other Clinical Physiologist, Clinical Therapist come to realize that its' beyond their highly educated ability to manage someone with BPD & will refer them to yet another mental health professional.

So you say your are done. What does this mean exactly? Are you ready to move on to another chapter in your life without her?  It's going to be a very bumpy journey and the fact that you live together is going to be another part of a complicated issue that you're going to need to deal with.

Do you own a house together or do you rent an apartment?  If you rent, it would be easier for you to move out in a given amount of time but be prepared for the incoming rounds once you tell her. I would take your most valued assists & remove them without notice first to a secure location. I would actually move out if you can in short order if that is possible.

Once you're physically out from under the same roof, squared away finally with her the next thing you'll have to decide if you want to go NC or No Contact.  Most will tell you that this is the best way forward for YOU. This is the point where YOU start to take care of YOU. Seek out and find a really good therapist that is well educated in BPD & Codependent r/s. Most if not all will tell you that this is one of a few important key's to a successful conclusion of your journey.

You are beat down, exhausted. Some quick points to take care of yourself. Be sure you're eating right, nothing good comes from junk food. Be sure you're getting out for a walk or a run, bike ride or to the gym to burn off some this stress. It'll help with that and getting some good hormones running through your body.  Then make sure you're getting some good sleep. REM sleep is so important to heal your mind and body for the next day's stress & challenges. Melatonin will help you with this and can be found in the vitamin isle. Don't worry it's not a drug, but a natural hormone that is produced in the brain to help you nod off at night. When your stressed out, your body doesn't produce enough & this is just to supplement it. And find that good therapist in short order.

Come here as often as you need too, more importantly, as often as you want too. We're somewhat anonymous here so feel free to tell us what you want. It's somewhat therapeutic too.

Your journey is just starting, but know that we are here for you. We have walked out own journey with our own BPD r/s ending. We're here to let you know, to show you that it can be done. It'll be hard, but it can be done.

Let us know what you want to do. What direction you want to go. Ask us the questions you need to or want too.

You got this.

J

[Lilyroze]

Skip

I think the biggest question to ask yourself (on the Deciding Board) is if you have it in you to rise above the drama and lead - or are you someone that will always be triggered by her insecurities and always be caught up in her instable moods. It might not be the relationship for you.

I have two question. Has there been any event in the course of your dating that was inappropriate or borderline inappropriate with another women? Are you flirtatious to other women? Do you let her know that she is "the only one for you" at times when you are not fighting?

These centering and wise mind questions regardless of each persons individual or private answers, are why I love and respect this board. These are the key questions in working on self, relationships, accountability and walking in the other persons shoes to a journey of trust. Thank you Skip and those who take the time to post, help each other here, give support and all the tools.

If you are not flirtatious and no cause for her to feel this way, I love the idea of tabling and waiting till cooler heads prevail. If you are and not in a bad way it is just your personality introspection of her and your core values might put you at odds.

What some consider exclusive and being her one be her only are different then what others consider. Different personality types regardless of BPD have different views of what that means, different love languages as well.

Either way sounds like she needs some counseling and feeling of self worth, which is her job not yours to bring to the table of your relationship.

[Grey Kitty]

She said she wanted to break up before she left for work.

Believe it or not, this is a chance for validation. Validate that she can leave if she chooses to. I'd suggest something along the lines of one of these two, depending on which matches your feelings:

"I love you and don't want you to go, but I cannot and won't force you to stay if you want to leave."
-or-
"It is your choice to leave if you want to."

Note... .neither option involves telling her you are done or asking her to move out, etc. I really don't recommend that in response to these statements.

The cool thing about this sort of validation is that it puts the responsibility exactly where it belongs. It is her choice to leave or stay, and that is hers. You really can't make her do either.

Ughh. Im so tired and so done. Any advice welcome. We live together. I don't know how this will work out.

I sincerely doubt she will actually choose to leave, at least any time soon. If you really want to end this, it will be much faster and cleaner if you take action, and whether you own or rent, and whose name is on the lease/mortgage/etc. makes a huge difference in what you can or should do, and what it will cost you.

Are you ready to break up?

[Skip]

I tried to calmly leave the situation but got sucked in with her when she started slamming things. I should have stayed away but it made me angry that she got violent and broke my door. I did instigate but when she got violent with me and escalated to physical abuse that was crossing my boundary. I made it very clear several times no violence. And of course I made things worse by getting violent back. Now I'm lost and don't know what to do.

You need to make wise choices right now - not emotional ones.

Less than 10 days ago you threw her to the floor and slapped her around. This is not a time to escalate tensions in this relationship.

If someone asked why you two broke up, its natural for her to reach back 6-7 days and say that you hit her. Whoever she says that to will encourage her to get a protective order and to call the police and report the domestic violence.

You live in a mandatory arrest state.

Right now, deescalating the conflict is a smart choice.

[jrharvey]

She has done a 180 and is now trying to reconcile. After a night out at the bar with who knows what people and coming home at 2am now she wants things to be better. I still don't feel like it. One of the things that is absolutely driving me crazy is that I have told her probably 10 times yesterday and today how unhappy I am with the abuse and the way she treats me and how its hurting me so bad I have been seeing a therapist. She wont even respond to any of this. Even today when I stopped her and told her she hasn't even said anything about what I said she said... ."Look, we can talk about that later. Im interested in making us better right now". Even though I tell her I cant be better unless we discuss that there is a problem and it cant be fixed with communication skills she just ignores everything I say.

I showed my therapist our conversations from yesterday and she said she is really concerned about her. She said she is definitely BPD but at the same time possibly a sociopath. Her complete lack of empathy and the way she tries to force her needs to get met at all cost (even greatly hurting me) really scares her. I spent the night at a friends house. My therapist said its not normal for someone to have such a lack of interest in how their partner is feeling. My GF uses my empathy to manipulate me but it wont work with her because she doesn't seem to have empathy.

I haven't changed my mind. I still want to move on. Still want this pain to be over.

[Grey Kitty]

I saw what Skip was saying that you have a very real risk of being arrested for DV. That alone is good motivation to do differently.

One of the things that is absolutely driving me crazy is that I have told her probably 10 times yesterday and today how unhappy I am with the abuse and the way she treats me and how its hurting me so bad I have been seeing a therapist. She wont even respond to any of this. Even today when I stopped her and told her she hasn't even said anything about what I said she said... ."Look, we can talk about that later. Im interested in making us better right now". Even though I tell her I cant be better unless we discuss that there is a problem and it cant be fixed with communication skills she just ignores everything I say.

It is good that you are able to speak to her about the abuse.

I've been there, been the subject of emotional abuse, going on physical abuse. And speaking to my wife wasn't what made a difference.

What made a difference was deciding that I wasn't going to accept any more abuse, and acting accordingly. When she started to get the least bit verbally/emtionally abusive, I removed myself from the situation immediately. OK, at first, I got hooked in a bit, so I removed myself as soon as I figured out things were escalating already, or I was getting upset, I removed myself.

I spent the night at a friends house.

I hope you can keep this option available to you, preferably on short notice--Being able to leave for the night and go someplace where you will be safe, not be provoked, and not make it into a bigger fight is something you very much need right now.

[SamwizeGamgee]

In the start of a relationship, you don't know a lot about someone.  I think by now she has shown you who she is.  You have seen who you, are and what you're capable of doing too.
So, when someone shows you they are crazy, believe them and act accordingly.
Only God knows how much time you have left, hopefully you'll have a long and productive life ahead.  I might consider breaking this relationship off, and starting something different (and healthy) later on.
There's no dishonor in separating - for the good of both of you.