Do you consider that hope is something you need to detach from?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Starting this thread as a follow on to a separate discussion where the topic of, still having hope, was raised.

I am of the mind that letting go of investing in my hope is the right thing to do.  In other words, I may play a lottery ticket, but I would not invest more than a couple of dollars and I would only do so with the fun of thinking, what-if, but no more.  I don't quit my job or go out and make advanced purchases etc.

In the same way, as it relates to the end of my r/s with my ex pwBPD; I still hold out hope that one day we may be able to have a warm interaction, friendship or possibly rekindle old memories (not romantically per-se).  But just like winning the lottery, I do not live my life in a way that I invest in this hope.  I simply leave a small space in my heart and mind for the potential that it could happen and all the while I get on with the business of my life.

I still have a few drops of hope, and believe I always will.  I don't think of it as an, "I need to resolve or remove this" way of being with my detaching.  I really just leave the door open to the possibility of . . . not dwelling upon or thinking what would I do if.

Perhaps others will say the analogy is more accurate if winning the lottery is like destroying your peace of mind.  That is obviously not what I am hoping for.

I find my visceral nature is to believe in the possibilities of positive outcomes and the way of hope helps me to contain that part of my being.  Perhaps this needs to be eviscerated too.

So, as it relates to detaching from our ex pwBPD and the work we are doing here; do you consider holding any hope at all as a form of staying attached?  Curious to hear others opinions.

JRB

[joeramabeme]

Starting this thread as a follow on to a separate discussion where the topic of, still having hope, was raised.

I am of the mind that letting go of investing in my hope is the right thing to do.  In other words, I may play a lottery ticket, but I would not invest more than a couple of dollars and I would only do so with the fun of thinking, what-if, but no more.  I don't quit my job or go out and make advanced purchases etc.

In the same way, as it relates to the end of my r/s with my ex pwBPD; I still hold out hope that one day we may be able to have a warm interaction, friendship or possibly rekindle old memories (not romantically per-se).  But just like winning the lottery, I do not live my life in a way that I invest in this hope.  I simply leave a small space in my heart and mind for the potential that it could happen and all the while I get on with the business of my life.

I still have a few drops of hope, and believe I always will.  I don't think of it as an, "I need to resolve or remove this" way of being with my detaching.  I really just leave the door open to the possibility of . . . not dwelling upon or thinking what would I do if.

Perhaps others will say the analogy is more accurate if winning the lottery is like destroying your peace of mind.  That is obviously not what I am hoping for.

I find my visceral nature is to believe in the possibilities of positive outcomes and the way of hope helps me to contain that part of my being.  Perhaps this needs to be eviscerated too.

So, as it relates to detaching from our ex pwBPD and the work we are doing here; do you consider holding any hope at all as a form of staying attached?  Curious to hear others opinions.

JRB

[steelwork]

I'm not sure... .I don't feel any hope, but I do feel a small, ineradicable wish for hope. That's just a fact. I could pretend otherwise but it would be a lie. I wish he, I, life, time, circumstances were such that hope made sense. I know it would be better to feel nothing along those lines, but if there's one thing I've learned from this whole ugly episode it's that feelings are not responsive to coercion.

[woundedPhoenix]

Hope comes in many shapes and forms when we make our escape from Oz.

I have HOPE that one day i will be healed fully and that i will look back at this whole period and say: Boy, those where probably the 3rd hardest times in your life, and look how well you managed, how much you have grown.

I WISHED that somehow my BPDex and I where made for eachother and that despite her quadruple diagnosis and our mutual life traps we could heal and comfort eachothers lifelong sorrows. That was... .MAGICAL THINKING

I BELIEVED that giving up was not an option, that if i did not give it everything i had, i would regret it for the rest of my life. That was... .FEAR of having to live with FAILURE

I LONGED for a different scenario altogether where things could go back to the way it was in the beginning.  That was ... .NOSTALGIC

[JerryRG]

I have all the hope in the world for my son and myself.

I hold no hope for my exgf, neither do I want to be with her nor do I believe she is one of a select few who are aware enough of their issues and can change for the better.

I guess her life is none of my business and I do "hope" she allows me some peace.

When they refuse to do the right thing, the mature thing, they become someone else's problem. Either through harming others to burdening society with medical cost and waste and as in my case there is an innocent life at risk because his mother puts her head in the sand deliberately or for other reasons. She just won't or can't  be a responsible adult in any manner.

[jhkbuzz]

It's funny that you post this... .I've suddenly been thinking about this very thing lately. Wondering if there's a possibility that some day, somehow, my ex and I can be friends. After all, we shared 8 years together and some of it was fun. She was someone I cared about deeply for a very long time.

I don't remember your situation, but mine ended especially badly with years of lying and cheating. It was emotionally abusive, so I'm also wondering what it is in me that still "hopes" a friendship is possible with someone who treated me this way. There would be limited amounts of trust, loyalty and honesty - all necessary ingredients for any good relationship, even a friendship.

So right now I think these fleeting thoughts of "friendship" are an indication that I'm not finished with my journey of healing. There's still something in me that reaches towards someone who was abusive towards me, who did not care about my well being. I need to get to the bottom of that.

[Wize]

Hope, like love is all about where you place it. 

[need a break]

Hope is painful, hope is disappointing, I have tried to have hope but for me its healthier to stay away. She is my daughter so it makes it hard.
I have tried it all. There is nothing left for me to do and I can not be held hostage, be manipulated, or be the punching bag.
For me there is no more hope... .

[Wize]

Hope is painful, hope is disappointing, I have tried to have hope but for me its healthier to stay away. She is my daughter so it makes it hard.
I have tried it all. There is nothing left for me to do and I can not be held hostage, be manipulated, or be the punching bag.
For me there is no more hope... .

I don't think we can separate hope from reality.  It's reality that we're coming to grips with as we detach from a pwBPD.  That's the struggle.  Hope isn't inherently painful or disappointing, but the reality of pwBPD most certainly can be.

[JerryRG]

There is no hope for them? I hear this but I never gave up. I know I did the same with my parents, I never gave up even when they already had.

My exgf claims to be happy and well

[kc sunshine]

This is something I need to get to the bottom of as well... .actually to the top of it, in the sense that I think I need to move from the question "what could I have done better so we would have not broken up" to the question of why was I so drawn to a relationship in which the main dynamics were push/pull and idealization/devaluation and in which rages were a regular feature. I'm not there yet-- I'm still more consumed by the first question-- but I can see that second question on the horizon.

So right now I think these fleeting thoughts of "friendship" are an indication that I'm not finished with my journey of healing. There's still something in me that reaches towards someone who was abusive towards me, who did not care about my well being. I need to get to the bottom of that.

[kc sunshine]

Also, jhkbuzz, I'm so happy that there are other lesbian relationships being talked about on this board! I wonder if there are any particular features of a lesbian BPD relationship.

It's funny that you post this... .I've suddenly been thinking about this very thing lately. Wondering if there's a possibility that some day, somehow, my ex and I can be friends. After all, we shared 8 years together and some of it was fun. She was someone I cared about deeply for a very long time.

I don't remember your situation, but mine ended especially badly with years of lying and cheating. It was emotionally abusive, so I'm also wondering what it is in me that still "hopes" a friendship is possible with someone who treated me this way. There would be limited amounts of trust, loyalty and honesty - all necessary ingredients for any good relationship, even a friendship.

So right now I think these fleeting thoughts of "friendship" are an indication that I'm not finished with my journey of healing. There's still something in me that reaches towards someone who was abusive towards me, who did not care about my well being. I need to get to the bottom of that.

[JerryRG]

My exgf raged at me for the beginning of the relationship and then did things to upset me and watched me get angry, it was a transition and I felt lost because no matter what I did I failed

[need a break]

Hope is painful, hope is disappointing, I have tried to have hope but for me its healthier to stay away. She is my daughter so it makes it hard.
I have tried it all. There is nothing left for me to do and I can not be held hostage, be manipulated, or be the punching bag.
For me there is no more hope... .

I don't think we can separate hope from reality.  It's reality that we're coming to grips with as we detach from a pwBPD.  That's the struggle.  Hope isn't inherently painful or disappointing, but the reality of pwBPD most certainly can be.

Yes I think hope is something I need to detach from. I have done the work, taken the classes, family connections. SHE needs to try for once. I am tired of walking on eggshells just to have hope.