What was the original attraction?

[StayStrongNow]

What was the original attraction to your BPD?

My original r/s with my stbxBPDw can be summed up as her being "exceptionally enthusiastic, idealistic, joyful, and loving."

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

I was attracted by more than just looks, she seemed to have such an inviting aura and was so approachable. I would also add she had a bubbly personality.  The attraction was intense and I think my moving on needs to come to terms with accepting that these extraordinary attracting features will never come back to me and also, why it was so easy and fast for her to obtain her replacement.

Please share what you saw, felt and or loved originally about your BPD.  I would greatly appreciate it.

[ICantFixHer]

I was 4 months out of a 7 year relationship when I met my BPD ex. She seemed fun and easy going. A couple of weeks in she said she would make me very happy.

Famous last words. I was vulnerable and she happened to cross my path. 10 years later and I'm just realizing I got used.

[gotbushels]

Hi StayStrongNow 

Sure. Interesting direction for inquiry:)

For me, some combination of "exceptionally idealistic, joyful, and loving." Looking for shelter. At a loss from being mistreated for some reason or another.

It took much longer for me to see the traits she had hidden on the other side of her were just as clear. The blackhole was overwhelming.

[StayStrongNow]

Hey gotbushels, the reason for my post is I am on a quest to see if there are others out there who have been initially attracted by this  "gift" of their BPD who has the ability to originally attract by being extraordinarily charming and convincing.

I am starting to question if BPD in its own form parallels somewhat of that of Savant Syndrome. If you watched the movie Rain Man, Raymond demonstrated "profound and prodigious capacities and abilities far in excess of what would be considered normal" but lacked ability to function socially very well.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savant_syndrome

I want to make this clear, I am not saying that BPD = Savants. I am just proposing that perhaps the parts of the brain that trigger the ability to be charming and convincing are very highly developed in BPD whereas the parts of the brain that trigger coping abilities to stress are primitive.

In my case as it appears in many here, there seems to me greater pain and hurt in having a r/s start and end with a person with BPD than r/s with those free of this disorder. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am right, I hope more post come in.

[Rayban]

Mine just mirrored everything I was looking for. She was charming, funny, bubbly, smart and beautiful. We worked together, so we would see each other through out the day. She got to see what made me tick, and adjusted accordingly. Once the hooks were in, that all changed.

I think the charm is learned and developed over a lifetime of trying to attach and please people.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you Rayban, my initial attraction occurred when she was 24 but I like your post she was experienced at trying to attach and please people. Mine was to almost the extent of a lifetime in her young years.

Also her telling me of her trying to please me but she wasn't good enough for me came up a lot during the devaluation stage. Of course it wasn't true in stage 1, the seductive stage and stage 2 the clinging / control stages. I was always showing appreciation. But as you know BPD dances to a beat of a different drummer.

[seenr]

Had been with someone for a long time & neither of us never wanted the relationship that badly.

Met BPD ex, gorgeous, sexy, fun, exciting, wanted us to settle down asap.

To this day, I'm not even sure she is borderline, maybe it was a combination of us together was chaotic.

The original attraction is still there, but the willingness to avoid chaos and her anger are the reason for NC.

[StayStrongNow]

Just so you know whomever clicked the General Announcement Information button on this post above, I am in the right place. I realize my r/s would have never lasted and it is now dead and buried. I am just now doing an autopsy on this r/s and trying to understand it, her and my part and most importantly this is preparing me for forgiveness and moving on. This is about me now and only me.

[insideoutside]

My friend is an old ex and he first attracted me with his bad boy ways and quirkiness; he's since put his bad boy life behind him but he was still  as charming as ever. Not a looker but his whole self and the way he is holds great attraction for me.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex is not physically good looking and has few status symbols that one might associate with initial attraction.  He buys his clothes at Goodwill and drives a car that was made when I was in elementary school.  He also isn't particularly socially skilled or charismatic.

My initial attraction to him was that we shared very similar interests and we are intellectually on the same level.  We had a lot to talk about and an uncanny amount of things in common -- things that weren't just mirrored.

The thing that really propelled the relationship, however, was his sheer enthusiasm for it.  Unlike other guys who are incredibly judgmental within the first few dates and looking for deal breakers, he spent our first date sitting on the same side of the booth as me -- something he repeated almost every time we went out -- so that he could be closer to me.  He seemed to really appreciate me and be grateful that I was there.  I had been missing this in my previous relationship so I was starved for it.  I had this feeling at the beginning that he just couldn't get enough of me, and it was mutual . . . at least for a while.  When he started to treat me like having me around was a pain, obviously the bloom was off the rose and that was the beginning of the end.

I still miss those happy times we had at the beginning, and I doubt anyone else will ever be like that.  I don't think it was fake, per se, but I think it wasn't a reflection of a realistic relationship where you're honest about your flaws and the other person's.  He seemed to enjoy me on that incredible level only when I asked nothing of him, a situation that could not continue indefinitely.  But yeah, I miss those times, and I often wonder if he misses them, too.

[woundedPhoenix]

we first just exchanged text messages and even there i felt a connection, so probably i was already sold on her without even looking at her pictures which came a few days later... .

So... .it seemed like a spiritual connection at first.

Ofcourse i also fell for her charm, great looks, her vulnerability, her nice and warm character and easy going nature. The almost instant soulmate feeling too.

And now 6.5 years later, i wonder where that all went, how she lost that along the way... .

[Icanteven]

1)  10/10 beautiful - wife is obnoxiously beautiful.  I have a pulse.  I am heterosexual.  It was impossible not to notice her;
2)  First date, wife and I had initial chemistry like I hadn't experienced with anyone in my life ever.  No lulls in the conversation.  Balanced discussions.  Lots of laughs.  Very flirtatious.  Lots of common interest - music, movies, sports, travel, leisure activities, life goals, etc.
3)  At the end of our date, wife kissed me hard and was best kisser of my life.  Went to get out of car, turned back and asked me if I'd like to come up and have a drink.  Told her I wanted to but it was probably a bad idea.  "It's just a drink."  Went up, drink turned into sex in the kitchen followed by sex that lasted until the morning when I realized I had to go home and get a shower to get dressed for work.  
4) Storybook courtship.  Wife would stop by the office to bring me lunch.  She made breakfast every morning.  Sexed me goodbye every morning.    Bought me tickets to the game and cheered harder than I did.  Would get home early, turn out all the lights, light three dozen candles and put on her latest VS purchase and sext me to ask why I was still at work.  And on and on and on.
5)  Had a great career that was on the upswing.

Long and short, my wife was the total package of looks and career success and smarts and humor and loved almost all of the same things I loved (which, in retrospect, was not a facade; she still loves those things to this day, so there wasn't any deception to that).  

There were obvious red flags:  an incredibly unstable relationship history and a diagnosed mental illness she was getting treatment for, but she acknowledged her mistakes and said that she had been immature and wanted to get well and no longer be a party girl who broke her boyfriends' hearts.

And for the longest time she was.

Until she wasn't.  

Breaks my heart just writing this because it reminds me that she was a gift from God and a revelation to me at the outset and for significant chunks of our relationship.  She's still sex on fire in bed and gorgeous and smart and we have a ton of overlapping interests.  She's also incredibly mentally ill and sleeps most of the time she's not in therapy, to the point that she's a shell of the woman I once knew.  

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you Greeneyedmonster, it seems he knew how to capture your heart.

I also wonder if my stbxBPDw misses me, even though I realize it's my ego wondering.

I think no, she doesn't miss me, her biggest support is her mother also a BPD married to a NPD and both her and her mother have blamed me for everything that has happened to my stbx. So I am associated with all that she now wants to get rid of (discard) and start over.

I know for at least 9 years there were happy times and raising our children that I belive a normal person would certainly miss the happy times that were enjoyed. But I now clearly see BPD isn't like us NONs and do not think and feel as we do.

This post was started to find some closure of whether all that she did to me was intent, cognitively done or perhaps more physiological and to some extent no intent to hurt. She does not remember anything when she is "that way" a term my kids use to describe when she becomes enraged using a little girl's voice. She seems to not know that person, it's a living nightmare to have been a part with memories so fresh in my mind. And this "way" has been severe, her multiple arrests and charges such as domestic battery, child endangerment, a couple public drunkeness, resisting arrests, and more disorderly conduct. These events account for only the times law enforcement or DCFS were involved, there was more of course that did damage to the kids and me.

Our divorce isn't final and she picked out the ring her new husband rescuer will put on her. I think she has tried medicating and now it's time for a new life and trying to forget the past.

[StayStrongNow]

Wow Icanteven, great post, thank you.

[rfriesen]

Had been with someone for a long time & neither of us never wanted the relationship that badly.

Met BPD ex, gorgeous, sexy, fun, exciting, wanted us to settle down asap.

To this day, I'm not even sure she is borderline, maybe it was a combination of us together was chaotic.

The original attraction is still there, but the willingness to avoid chaos and her anger are the reason for NC.

This, exactly same for me. Except I've maintained low contact with my ex. We live thousands of miles apart now, and I worked really hard to have things not end on one of her rage-filled outbursts. An email exchanged every week or so. I know we couldn't actually see each other now without reigniting and burning out quickly. But I sometimes still hope that someday, years from now, we might be able to have a real conversation about everything.

Like seenr, I'm not sure my ex would qualify for an official BPD diagnosis. I don't know. She definitely has rage like I've never seen, terrifying fears of abandonment and paranoid jealousy. By her own admission, she can't be single for more than a few days at a time, and she craves sexual attention like no woman I've ever met. And she lied to me a lot and manipulated me with shame and guilt. So those are the traits that brought me to this website. But I feel like I contributed as much as her to the initial madness of our honeymoon phase -- we were both out of control. Just that when it went haywire, I tried to calm things down while she kept exploding and then collapsing in hysterical sobs.

Ok, this post went a little off-topic. I think I just wanted to note that in the initial attraction phase I probably sowed as many seeds of chaos as she did. The crazy idealisation and mirroring definitely went both ways. But when things went bad, she tried to tear me to pieces while I tried to hold her together. At least that's my perspective on it.

[Icanteven]

I also wonder if my stbxBPDw misses me, even though I realize it's my ego wondering.

Would it rock your world if she did?  My ex misses me terribly per her own admission today.  She misses me, she misses our kids, she misses our friends, she loves me "for all time" and "with every fiber of [her] being."  Oh, but we're still getting divorced and she has zero interest in making it work.  But, hey!, she misses me. 

This post was started to find some closure of whether all that she did to me was intent, cognitively done or perhaps more physiological and to some extent no intent to hurt.

If it was done with intent to hurt, we're past BPD and into the realm of psychosis.  If it wasn't and her illness took over her life, that's a perfectly reasonable explanation too.  In either case, it's not your fault and there's not a damn thing you could have done.

I had the chance to speak with my wife this afternoon after typing my post and I went back and read it while on the phone with her.  My message was simple:  I thank god for the time I got with you and for the years we had together when you were well; I wouldn't trade them for anything.  But, I can't fix you and I have to raise our children to become healthy adults, and you clearly can't join me on that journey any more. 

That's my closure.  YMMV.

[rfriesen]

My ex misses me terribly per her own admission today.  She misses me, she misses our kids, she misses our friends, she loves me "for all time" and "with every fiber of [her] being."  Oh, but we're still getting divorced and she has zero interest in making it work.  But, hey!, she misses me. 

I can sure relate to this. The intense, desperate expressions of love from my ex and her insistence that she would "do anything" to have me back and make it work. And when I ask whether there's anything she regrets doing and wishes she hadn't done? Then it's "I haven't really done any introspection on that. It hurts too much." Ok. So she wants it more than anything in the world, but not enough to do any introspection. It's this dissonance that makes my own head spin and left me groping for closure. But I think she's actually being honest, in a way - she's in tremendous pain either way, whether she gives up or introspects. It all hurts her. At the end of the day, the conflicting emotions exhaust her and she tries to push it away by seeking the attention and validation of someone else.

[VitaminC]

... .He also isn't particularly socially skilled or charismatic.

My initial attraction to him was that we shared very similar interests and we are intellectually on the same level.  We had a lot to talk about and an uncanny amount of things in common -- things that weren't just mirrored.

The thing that really propelled the relationship, however, was his sheer enthusiasm for it.  Unlike other guys who are incredibly judgmental within the first few dates and looking for deal breakers, he spent our first date sitting on the same side of the booth as me -- something he repeated almost every time we went out -- so that he could be closer to me.  He seemed to really appreciate me and be grateful that I was there.  I had been missing this in my previous relationship so I was starved for it.  I had this feeling at the beginning that he just couldn't get enough of me, and it was mutual . . . at least for a while. 

Me too!

I noticed and pursued him first and for weeks just enjoyed our intellectual fizz. I was curious about him because he was such an oddball - quirky and intense and a mix of things that didn't add up. His natural secrecy (which I much later realised is really his paranoia about being "found out" ) made him an enigma. Nothing like an enigma to get me going.

Once we actually met for a drink and he saw that I responded to him in a positive way, he inveigled his way to my house. I say inveigled - it really was that way. He had no car at the time, had missed the last bus home, would have to spend tons of money on a cab, could he just stay over at mine.  At that point, I saw him as a potential and although not entirely blown away at having him stay over in my spare room, I also had put up people often enough that it was no big deal.  His seduction technique was hilarious; childish and even girlish, it was curiosity more than anything that made me submit to his clumsy advances.  I laugh now to think of it.

But once in bed, I have to say he knew what he was doing. The very nice night we spent together and his charm the following morning hooked me right in. From there, yes it's similar to GreenEyed's experience - many things in common above all the intellectual connection now cemented by a pretty good physical one. From breakfast the following day, I felt at the center of someone's universe - I could do no wrong. I was fascinating and sexy and beautiful and everything I said was interesting or hilarious. And the sex just got better and better.

Everything was rushed and intense. I was invited to family things, hung out with his daughter, was told that this time he wanted to "do everything right in the relationship".  He was putty in my hands.  I was both put off by this and kind of fascinated and, of course, (stupidly) flattered. My interest waned a little because of it all but I was then inundated with messages and gifts and poetry. I couldn't seem to shake him off, and after talking to a friend I decided to go with it, because what did I have to lose, really.    [eh, nearly two years of my life.] 

Now, being NC for almost 2.5 months, I am getting some clarity, finally. I have had a couple of other pursuants in the last weeks and noted that when I didn't return the interest, they just backed off! Wow, so this is how normal people behave. I had forgotten.

[FannyB]

Mine was gorgeous, good at her job - and appeared to be extremely together. I was so intimidated by her aura of perfection that I didn't ask her out for 6 months! Bearing in mind I liked her the first time I clapped eyes on her, this meant for a very intense courtship from the start.


Fanny