wife seeking permanent alimony - I need relax and let this go...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My worst nightmare is paying alimony to my wife forever. We were married 10 years and in this state my attorney says judges will usually award support for a temporary number of months up to half the marriage length.

She has been malingerer our whole marriage and never worked. She is using her 'poor health' as basis for me to be shelling out to her forever.

This makes me very mad and upset - to think that I worked so hard and I could be stuck supporting her forever because of my bad decisions and my attempts to stay and work it out for so many years. And that the main reason I left, I got sick of supporting her while she sat around on her butt, could haunt me forever.

But, my brain recognizes that this is just her request, and that any negotiation will start very far apart and hopefully ends up somewhere in the middle. Or in front of the judge and it's up to them. Thing is what if the judge believes her claims?

argh. Anyway, trying really really hard to recognize that this is all out of my control. Also trying to imagine this worst case scenario actually happening and realizing that my life won't be ruined, just much more difficult.

I really screwed myself over with this woman.

[adventurer]

My worst nightmare is paying alimony to my wife forever. We were married 10 years and in this state my attorney says judges will usually award support for a temporary number of months up to half the marriage length.

She has been malingerer our whole marriage and never worked. She is using her 'poor health' as basis for me to be shelling out to her forever.

This makes me very mad and upset - to think that I worked so hard and I could be stuck supporting her forever because of my bad decisions and my attempts to stay and work it out for so many years. And that the main reason I left, I got sick of supporting her while she sat around on her butt, could haunt me forever.

But, my brain recognizes that this is just her request, and that any negotiation will start very far apart and hopefully ends up somewhere in the middle. Or in front of the judge and it's up to them. Thing is what if the judge believes her claims?

argh. Anyway, trying really really hard to recognize that this is all out of my control. Also trying to imagine this worst case scenario actually happening and realizing that my life won't be ruined, just much more difficult.

I really screwed myself over with this woman.

[Thrive]

Hi adventurer,
My hope for you is this judge will see how well rested and ready to tackle the job
market your ex-wife is!
Because, fundamentally, she is an adult, and made life choices (out of her own free will) to not work, and should not be entitled to additional reimbursement. We can all choose to prepare for the future--or not; it's up to us.
You have every right to feel frustrated and concerned.
I wish you the best

[heartandwhole]

Hi adventurer,

Wow, I didn't even know there was such a thing as "permanent alimony." I would definitely feel mad and upset, too.

But the likelihood is, if I understand it right, that the maximum time you'd have to support her would be 5 years. And that depends on the judge's decision, which could even be alimony for a few months. Do I have that right?

Don't let your mind lead you down the rabbit hole of "forever." Your feelings are legit and understandable. Feel them and cross each bridge as it appears in front of you. It's a really hard lesson, but your freedom is worth it.  

heartandwhole

[adventurer]

Yeah, there are definitely a lot of good and more probable scenarios.

I was doing so well for awhile but really thrown for a loop by this for some reason. I went on a long bike ride last night to decompress. It helped but woke up way too early this morning with my heart pounding and my mind working.

I guess there's no straight line to recovery. The court date isn't set but will be months away so I will have a lot of time to try to practice mindfulness and positive thinking. I also need to get back my empathy and understanding for her - she is disordered and acting in the only manner she is capable of.

This experience seems so horrible to me.

[Herodias]

Don't worry even if it happens... .Permanent only means until they live with/marry again and pwBPD get married really fast! Not that this will make you feel better, but I am just saying... .if for some reason you do get stuck... .you will be unstuck quickly I am sure. Good luck!

[adventurer]

  Herodias. You are so right. I myself was the one put on the hook during her last divorce. I was not in a good place.to see and understand the red.flags at the time.

She looks young for her age and still has some looks and charm and I am certain she will find a new supply at some point. I even have some guesses for candidates. Another good reason to take the high road and not talk bad of her to anyone.

It would be an interesting experiment to see what matters more to her, getting my money so she doesn't have to do anything with her life, or get married to try to fill the emotional emptiness. I hope that's not the way this one goes, though.

 

[Herodias]

"It would be an interesting experiment to see what matters more to her, getting my money so she doesn't have to do anything with her life, or get married to try to fill the emotional emptiness. I hope that's not the way this one goes, though."

 
[/quote]

More than likely she will attempt both, It's what they do... .You will be ok no matter what.