Do I give in to her control ultimatum?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Further from my last post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295972.0;topicseen
I found a Dad parenting course (and good husband course) 1 night/wk for 10 weeks in my town. It seemed fantastic - covering being engaged with the kids, good health/fitness, treating your wife well. I showed it to my uBPDw for her comment - saying it looked great, I was interested and what did she think? Basically she hated it - tried to convince me not to go, got more and more upset when I wanted to.

3 days later, she's "researched" the organisation on the internet, and says it promotes religion, oppression of women and is anti-gay. She said it "goes against EVERY one of her core values" and she is outraged by what she read about them. And she would be "beyond greatly concerned" if I attended the course.

I researched the organisation this afternoon and found very little bad about them. They do have an anti-gay marriage stance - saying children deserve both a mother and a father - but I have seen nothing else bad.

So now I'm in the usual cr@ppy position I normally get in. If I go to the course, I violate her supposed beliefs and do something that she says is horrendous - further "proving" that I don't care about her. If I don't go, then she wins at manipulating me.

I am in a hetro marriage with my wife so does it matter what they believe? Does she believe that I'll take on their views straight away? Surely she thinks more highly of me - to be able to stick to my own beliefs? She did this a few years back - when I started improving myself via an online life-coaching course. She read some of the posts and said she felt outraged at the beliefs that some people had and told me I was to stop being on that site.

Normally in these situations, I'd just back down because it's not worth the hassle, but I'm not sure that's the right tactic.

Suggestions?

[ArleighBurke]

Further from my last post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295972.0;topicseen
I found a Dad parenting course (and good husband course) 1 night/wk for 10 weeks in my town. It seemed fantastic - covering being engaged with the kids, good health/fitness, treating your wife well. I showed it to my uBPDw for her comment - saying it looked great, I was interested and what did she think? Basically she hated it - tried to convince me not to go, got more and more upset when I wanted to.

3 days later, she's "researched" the organisation on the internet, and says it promotes religion, oppression of women and is anti-gay. She said it "goes against EVERY one of her core values" and she is outraged by what she read about them. And she would be "beyond greatly concerned" if I attended the course.

I researched the organisation this afternoon and found very little bad about them. They do have an anti-gay marriage stance - saying children deserve both a mother and a father - but I have seen nothing else bad.

So now I'm in the usual cr@ppy position I normally get in. If I go to the course, I violate her supposed beliefs and do something that she says is horrendous - further "proving" that I don't care about her. If I don't go, then she wins at manipulating me.

I am in a hetro marriage with my wife so does it matter what they believe? Does she believe that I'll take on their views straight away? Surely she thinks more highly of me - to be able to stick to my own beliefs? She did this a few years back - when I started improving myself via an online life-coaching course. She read some of the posts and said she felt outraged at the beliefs that some people had and told me I was to stop being on that site.

Normally in these situations, I'd just back down because it's not worth the hassle, but I'm not sure that's the right tactic.

Suggestions?

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[motherhen]

Hmmm, maybe something along the lines of "Thanks for the heads up, I will be sure to keep an ear open for any hateful rhetoric."

That way she feels heard and validated but you don't end up sacrificing something you want to do. I think it's awesome you want to do that BTW. I have a friend who signed up for a parenting class only to find out she was the only one present that wasn't court ordered. She loved it though. LOL

[waverider]

She most likely believes it will be an outside influence on molding your behavior... ie competition.

The reasoning is just a side show, dont get into debating the reasons.

If YOU feel it is worthwhile then reassure and validate and go for your own reasons.

[ArleighBurke]

And have her think i am deliberately going against her wishes and values? Is that good/ok? I know i'll never hear the end of it... .

[ArleighBurke]

So we talked about it more:
Her: I've been on their website. They are a religious organisation that don't accept gays, think a woman should work less and spend more time with the kids, they don't approve having kids outside marriage and think the man is the head of the household.
Me: So... .traditional Christian views?
Her: yes!

This is the first time I've heard someone bag Christian views! Apparently they are SUCH a bad influence on us all... .

Call me weak, but after discussing it for about 20mins I folded and said I wouldn't go on the course. (And even after that she still talked for another solid 10mins about why I shouldn't go). I know if I went I'd hear about me "not supporting her" forever, or any opinion I had that differed to hers she'd blame on "that course". I'd like to think that listening to her, and not persueing the course will somehow count in my favour, but somehow I doubt that.

[waverider]

Do you align with the core beliefs of this group, or is there genuine doubts within yourself?

It's not about you not supporting her, it is an example of her not supporting you.

[ArleighBurke]

I align with the general christian view. I understand she has "concerns". In her eyes she has been "losing control" over me since I found out about BPD (3yrs). This course would stress her. The benefit I would get out of this course would be small (because I think I'm already a good dad), so I perceive the negative effects outweigh the positive - rightly or wrongly. I guess in this instance I'm "choosing my battles".

[BestVersionOfMe]

I have had some of the same negative reactions to having a life coach or therapist or reading self improvement books from my uBPDw.  I think it is the same thing as "shining the light on to darkness."  I'm not saying your wife is dark, I just mean the more you improve yourself, the more uncomfortable she feels being around you.  The opposite is also true, the more you blow up or argue, the more justified she feels with many of her behaviors.  Nearly all of my self development life is separate from my wife's knowledge and it is my business.  If she asks about things like having a life coach, I always tell her that my life coach is about improving me to be the best version of myself and nothing else.   Sometimes I'll even be sarcastic and say things like, "Are you really against me believing in being positive?  "  I challenge her by asking open-ended questions so that she is forced to come to her own conclusion.  It sounds like you are very much interested in being a better dad, husband, person, etc.  There are many other ways to do this without attending face to face courses, don't you agree?

[ArleighBurke]

There are many other ways to [be a better dad/husband] without attending face to face courses, don't you agree?

There's this website I know about with lots of people who are trying to improve their relationships with their spouses... . 

Yes. I already do a LOT without her knowledge. I guess that's why I'm OK to "lose this battle". I'm not losing a whole lot, but maybe, just maybe, I'm gaining some of her trust.

[waverider]

I have done support groups before, I haven't found them a huge benefit in themselves. However they were useful for setting a precedent of having "outside influences and interests" and breaking my wife's sense of entitlement to a monopoly as to how I live my life.

If you are not all that driven to attend them it is not a battle worth fighting, as it can be a big one and you need to want it, otherwise you will cave down the track anyway.

[ArleighBurke]

Agreed. The last 3 years I've been trying to put more of "what i want" out there. Like going out with friends. I try to go out once every 2 weeks and it feels like a major battle each time. Slow progress I guess.

It's amazing how much effort she's gone to to "prove" this is bad for the relationship. And I'm sure in a few months she'll complain that I'm not trying to improve myself... .

Life with a BPD! 

[waverider]

Agreed. The last 3 years I've been trying to put more of "what i want" out there. Like going out with friends. I try to go out once every 2 weeks and it feels like a major battle each time. Slow progress I guess.

At least you are doing this, I use up all my "me time" brownie points doing things I like rather than on any relationship stuff. That I can do here.