Mom was the original "mean girl" in my life

[Cat Familiar]

I usually don't post on this board, rather I post about my husband. I've realized that my mom was an undiagnosed borderline and my familiarity with that model of behavior led me into two marriages with men who have BPD; it felt like family.

But today I just had a revelation about my mother: that she was the original "mean girl" in my life. To give a thumbnail sketch of my childhood: it was a fairly idyllic time in a lower-middle class neighborhood. I skipped first grade and was promoted to second grade, based upon my mother, a former teacher, helping me to get a head start early. I was accepted by my peers, even though I was younger and smaller.

Then, my parents were able to afford a larger home in a much nicer neighborhood, which meant a chance to improve their self-images, which were sorely lacking. At this point, my world fell apart. I was the new, younger, tiny, not fashionably dressed little kid in Southern California, where image is everything. I became bullying bait and remained that way until I graduated high school. Sure, some kids marginally accepted me when they wanted me to help them with their homework and I was "C List" friends with some. Nothing changed, until I went to college and overnight became one of the A List kids, much to my surprise.

Thanks for reading all that to get to today's revelation: I remembered how my upwBPD mom constantly criticized me from a very early age. She called it "Constructive Criticism" while I called it ":)estructive Criticism." I finally put 2 and 2 together and realized that she set me up to be the victim of bullying because she created that dynamic in our mother-daughter relationship. Pretty obvious, huh? But it's taken me decades to connect the dots.

[Naughty Nibbler]

  Cat Familiar  

Thanks for sharing your revelation!  I find it helpful, when I read of others with similar situations.

Sorry about your school years prior to college.  I'm a So Cal gal as well.  I, also, grew up in a lower-middle class neighborhood.   I was born and raised in one So Cal city until age 17.  We moved in the middle of my Sr. year of High School.  The city where I was born, started going downhill around the start of my Jr. High School years.  People started moving in mass, to get to a safer neighborhood.  My family was at the tail end of that migration, and we moved in the middle of my Sr. year of High School.  I had very few connections or fond memories from my Jr. High or High School years.  I can't think of one fond memory associated with school during those years.  Fortunately, my sister and I got along during those years, and I hung around with her and her friends, who were 2 years older than me.

I remembered how my uBPD mom constantly criticized me from a very early age. She called it "Constructive Criticism" while I called it ":)estructive Criticism." I finally put 2 and 2 together and realized that she set me up to be the victim of bullying because she created that dynamic in our mother-daughter relationship. Pretty obvious, huh? But it's taken me decades to connect the dots

   It is interesting when the light bulb turns on.   My dad was the angry, hypercritical one, so I inherited the disease to please.  I was a frugal man's dream.  I made way too many home cooked meals, probably paid for more than my share of evening's out and even had one boyfriend to whom I gave multiple loans of money.

It took me way too long to realize that it is NOT an advantage to have the Disease to Please in a relationship.  Although, overall, it did work out okay in my work life, I probably gave more effort than was needed in many work instances. If you are a salaried employee, you can donate as much gratis time as you want.  

Knowledge is power.  Sometimes, you have to wonder if only we knew then, what we know now.

Kwamina, The Board Parrot, says "All Things Begin at the Coping and Healing Board".  For many of us, it rings true.

[Cat Familiar]

NN, Thank you   for that lovely welcome to this board. I began doing counseling because of the difficulties I had in my second marriage. Between BPD Family and my wonderful psychologist, I now have strategies to deal with my husband, who really is a nice guy under all that BPD chaos. (Quite unlike the first.)

So now in my monthly sessions, I'm excavating the remainder and reminders of the damage I experienced from my mother's influence. I long ago forgave her and I took care of her the last few years of her life. I can wholeheartedly say that I loved her and I know she loved me, but damage is damage. And I repaired much of it through individual counseling many years ago. However, it's like cafeteria trays--you pull one off the top of the pile and another pops up.

NN, I like your phrase the ":)isease to Please," I know it well, but it's not afflicting me nearly so often as in the past. I'm embracing my "selfish" side. Oh, the S-word struck fear in my heart for so long, but by agreeing with the wielder of it, it no longer has power over me.

SoCal was a fantastic place in my early days and what incredible changes it has gone through in such a short time priod!

So tragic  to move in the Senior year of high school. I bet you felt like your world had ended.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CAT FAMILIAR    ˚ᆺ˚

I now have strategies to deal with my husband, who really is a nice guy under all that BPD chaos. (Quite unlike the first.) . . .

So now in my monthly sessions, I'm excavating the remainder and reminders of the damage I experienced from my mother's influence. I long ago forgave her and I took care of her the last few years of her life. I can wholeheartedly say that I loved her and I know she loved me, but damage is damage. And I repaired much of it through individual counseling many years ago. However, it's like cafeteria trays--you pull one off the top of the pile and another pops up.

I'm glad that you are working things out with your husband.

Going through therapy and interacting on this website can be a good combination.   The communication and interpersonal relationship skills are great to know, even for healthy relationships.  When our parent's don't model good communication skills, we can be at a disadvantage.  My mom was a non (only had some anxiety issues), but she had no tools to communicate effectively with my dad.  I don't know if my dad would wear the label of BPD, but he had  some BPD traits.  His explosive anger and constant criticism were the most troubling traits.

I've forgiven my now deceased father, as well.  I came to understand that he grew up in a time that going to therapy wasn't something people did, nor was searching for answers for strategies to relieve anxiety, depression, etc.   I never feared physical abuse from my father, but too many angry words and nit picking can do some damage.  I was the sensitive child, so I feared being yelled at. It didn't appear to affect my sister, as much as me.  My sister, however, is the one who has emerged as a functional BPD. 

Actually, my sister was the one who caused me to start therapy.    She is divorced and her children are all dysfunctional in various ways.  When tragedy struck, and my sister and I had to work together as "co" everthing with our now deceased parent's (Medical POA's, Financial POA's and then Co-Trustees on our parent's trusts), she painted me black.  I couldn't figure it out. It was a time when sisters should support each other. Unlike my father, she would invade my physical space when she went into violent rages, and appeared as if she could easily hit me.  My dad never did this, and I never felt physically threatened with him.  Never did he get right in your face when he raged.  My sister is active in her church, and appears to be a perfect angel with her church friends, but to me, she became a devil.   She even mentioned that her primary care doctor told her to get some therapy, but in her eyes, "she didn't need therapy".

I'm the one who entered therapy.   My therapist suggested I read the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  I found this website referenced in the book, and well, here I am. My sister and I are still in the process of settling trust matters for our deceased parents.  My sister got a lawyer, so after a few months of trying to navigate issues on my own, I now have a lawyer.  The only contact I have with my sister, is via lawyers.  Hopefully, when the last trust matters are done, I can work on forgiving my sister.  Right now, I'm still managing anger and I'm doubtful that there will be any relationship between us in the future, unless she seeks some therapy.

So tragic  to move in the Senior year of high school. I bet you felt like your world had ended.

I actually wasn't sad.  Most people would think it was strange.  I didn't go to a prom, and didn't even have a senior year book.  Maybe I should be sad about not being sad, .  Although I had no social connections to my High School,   I wasn't as pathetic as it sounds.  ✌♫♪˙❤‿❤˙♫♪✌   My social world centered around my older sister and her friends, so I was spending a lot of time at the beach and at under-age night clubs with bands (no alcohol).

SoCal was a fantastic place in my early days and what incredible changes it has gone through in such a short time period!

  I could write pages and pages about my experiences with the decline of California into a welfare state, but I won't. I now live in another neighborhood on the decline.  I carry a larger purse to allow for my stun gun and pepper spray and then there are the problem neighbors. It isn't unusual to have the local police dept. in your contact list on your cell phone, but I have an address list of problem neighbors in the note section.  ◔̯◔

[Turkish]

Hi Cat,

I'd like to join Naughty Nibbler in welcoming you to the board. 

It sounds like your mother may have used you as a proxy to validate her own feelings of lexi lack. My ex may do this with our kids,  like wanting both kids to skip grades (D then 3 to skip preschool,  and then S5 to skip kindergarten because they're "geniuses. "

Is hard enough for an adult to be out into a position to be responsible for another's feelings,  much less their very identity.  Do you feel like that was the case?

[Notwendy]

Hi Cat,

Nice to see you on this side of the board. I firmly believe that the key to our relationship choices and issues is in our early relationships. I think it is good to understand them- from a point of information. While I think it isn't helpful to continuously blame our parents (I know you know we are responsible for our choices as adults) I think we can feel what we feel- anger, sadness, hopefully forgiveness- as we understand our FOO's. One thing that occurred for me along the way, as I learned about BPD, my mother, and her FOO, is that I could feel sympathy for her growing up in her FOO. ( while still maintaining my own boundaries- she is responsible for her choices too)

One thing we have discussed in an ACOA group I attend is that growing up, the family dysfunction feels "normal" to us. I too grew up thinking I had to people please to earn their love and acceptance. I can relate to the "frugal man's dream". I knew what BPD was before I understood co-dependency. I had heard of it, but didn't understand it.

I think the name is a bit confusing as I am not a dependent personality- in the sense that I can be somewhat of a loner and self sufficient. It makes more sense to me to describe it in terms of having low self worth- being a people-pleaser, being/doing what others expect me to be, trying to keep everybody happy. Even though I tended to be more introverted- I did these things because, this is what my normal was. I didn't know that there was another way to behave with people because this is what was expected of me growing up.

I get the mean girl reference, because mine was the queen of the pack. She was the queen bee in the home and the rest of us were the drones.

It is great that you are in counseling over these things. It took a lot of work, but it was a big milestone when I was less triggered by my mother's critical comments. Helped my marriage too. 

[Cat Familiar]

When our parent's don't model good communication skills, we can be at a disadvantage. 

That certainly has been true for me. And when you don't know what you dont know, it's hard to figure out what you need to learn.

So sorry about your sister, NN. I've seen so many families irreparably torn apart after the death of the parents.   

[Cat Familiar]

Turkish, you hit the nail on the head! Yes, absolutely, I was my mother's second chance at a happy childhood. As you mentioned, I was responsible for her feelings as well as carrying her identity. She had such blurred lines between herself and me that she would mix up things like which one of us was allergic to penicillin or that I didn't like a particular food because she didn't like it.

It got really difficult for me when I started asserting a separate identity as an adolescent and by the time I was in my teenage rebellion state, she felt as though I had totally betrayed her and reacted with anger and near constant disapproval, which drove me further away.

[Cat Familiar]

"I think the name is a bit confusing as I am not a dependent personality- in the sense that I can be somewhat of a loner and self sufficient. It makes more sense to me to describe it in terms of having low self worth- being a people-pleaser, being/doing what others expect me to be, trying to keep everybody happy. Even though I tended to be more introverted- I did these things because, this is what my normal was. I didn't know that there was another way to behave with people because this is what was expected of me growing up."

Yes, I didn't really understand codependency until recently. I too am a loner and self sufficient, but I did get the message, stated loud and clear that I'm not good enough. I was seven and we'd just moved to the upscale snooty high end neighborhood when my mother said, "We're not as good as other people. Because both your dad and I were raised on farms."

I remember that moment as though it was yesterday. Funny that I grew up in such the prototypical SoCal neighborhood where image was everything and I fled from that subculture as soon as I graduated college and I've spent all my adult life in rural areas. Ag is in my blood or in my programming I guess.

I no longer feel "not as good" thanks to lots of therapy over the years, but I've done what you've done, Notwendy, tried desperately to "keep everyone happy." It's not only a futile endeavor, it's exhausting!

[townhouse]

Wow my journey seems to be following yours  Cat F because here I am again answering one of your posts on another board.

I have mentioned somewhere that it is only in the last year since coming here to discuss my problems with my BPD husband that I have realised that my mother must have been unBPD and I never realised. I previously thought she was very bad tempered,  abusive both physical and verbal ( she would hit me with an old trouser belt) and hyper critical of me yet was lovely to anyone outside the home. Like NN I wanted to please, ("the disease to please" ... .love it) to do the right thing because perhaps then my mother would treat me better.

As NN mentions to paraphrase Kwamina  ... .perhaps if we now have a BPD partner, inevitably we end up here on the Coping and Healing Board.

It is common knowledge that how our parents treated us and how we in turn attend to our children can go on and on with never ending effects into the future. The more we can look at ourselves and process and heal the better we can be as husbands, wives, partners and parents.

I think it's obvious that we say to ourselves "I am this way because of the way I was treated as a child" Acknowledge that our good and bad points are from the past but Move On to being our better selves, more mindful if you like,  both now and into the future.

[Cat Familiar]

I have realised that my mother must have been unBPD and I never realised. I previously thought she was very bad tempered,  abusive both physical and verbal ( she would hit me with an old trouser belt) and hyper critical of me yet was lovely to anyone outside the home. Like NN I wanted to please, ("the disease to please" ... .love it) to do the right thing because perhaps then my mother would treat me better.

Hi Townhouse.    I didn't get the physical abuse, but the constant criticism was wounding enough.

It took me many years, but my anger and hurt toward my mother is now replaced with compassion. I know she wanted the best for me and her childrearing methods left much to be desired, but in her own way, she did her best.

She had so many tragedies in her family. I'm not talking about losses, which we all experience, sooner or later. She had multiple 6 o'clock news lead story-type tragedies, things that would overwhelm an emotionally healthy person, which she was not. She told me in her later years that she had considered suicide on many occasions, and I don't blame her for feeling that way. I'm glad that she managed to live through my childhood. She was tenacious, I'll give her that.

It feels incredibly freeing to not blame her any more, but to realize that I missed out on some learning opportunities that most children from healthy families get. Again, she did her best, but she was quite impaired. And I know she loved me.

I chose not to have children because I was afraid that I'd raise them the way I was raised, or do a complete 180 and either option seemed disastrous. At this point in my life, I feel that I would be wise enough to raise children, but I have no desire to. So I'm glad I made that decision in my younger years. I do cringe when I hear members here contemplating having families with a BPD spouse. I think a BPD father might not be quite so damaging if he's working full time, but being raised by a BPD mother can be really problematic. 

[Cat Familiar]

I think, like many here who've become people pleasers, it's astonishing to discover the depths of our anger at our parents and so very helpful to let go of the blame. I know my mother wanted the best for me and she did the best she was able. She missed a lot of life lessons, for whatever reasons, some I understand and some I don't know about. Therefore she couldn't possibly have taught me things she wasn't aware of.

Then, add in the mental illness. I don't like being around volatile people and have always felt that my job was to try to calm them down and reassure them. So what do I do? I marry two BPD husbands. The first was volatile/violent. Thankfully the second is volatile/anxious, but that still is discomfiting to me.

I guess my current life lesson is to detach with love from his unpleasant moods. Easy to say. Hard to do.

[Notwendy]

Cat I really think our early experiences influence who we are attracted to and who is attracted to us. For me, people pleasing, assuming how someone else feels was my responsibility, wasn't a conscious decision, but was my normal in my FOO from the time I was a small child.

There are many ways a child can be parentified. I was fortunate that I had a nice home to live in, clothing, education. My parents did take care of me, thankfully, but we were constantly WOE around my mother's volatile moods and if she wasn't content, then it was my fault- and my problem to fix. By my adolescence, I had learned to be her emotional caretaker in order to get approval from my parents. But it didn't go the other way. I was not to expect anyone to give me that kind of unconditional love and so I lacked the self esteem that comes from being loved like that as a child.

I didn't know there was any other way to be "loved" so naturally when I became attracted to guys, I only did what I knew how to be in a relationship- to give, soothe, nurture and to not expect any of that in return. This way - I attracted people who looked for someone to emotionally take care of them.

Naturally, growing up like this, it is distressing to be in the presence of someone who is in a bad mood, as it feels as if I am somehow responsible for that and should try to fix it. It took a while to learn to separate what is my responsibility and what is someone else's and get the idea that someone can be in a bad mood and it has nothing to do with me. Once I was able to do this, what other people said, or did, or felt started to roll off my back like water off a duck. The first few times it happened I was just stunned when I realized it didn't bother me, or perhaps if it did, I got over it faster than before.

If someone is in a bad mood around me, I can do a quick check- do I owe them an apology? If not, then it isn't my problem. If they are angry at me, it is their responsibility to say something. I can leave the room, or politely leave the conversation if I start to feel bothered- that helps me manage my own feelings in the situation. Takes practice to do this, but it is worth the work!

[Cat Familiar]

Cat I really think our early experiences influence who we are attracted to and who is attracted to us. For me, people pleasing, assuming how someone else feels was my responsibility, wasn't a conscious decision, but was my normal in my FOO from the time I was a small child.

Yes. It's like the proverbial fish not realizing that they're swimming in water because that's all they know. I became so ultra sensitized to scanning my behavior for any sign that I might have hurt someone's feelings because of my mother telling me how much I hurt her feelings on a regular basis.

If someone is in a bad mood around me, I can do a quick check- do I owe them an apology? If not, then it isn't my problem. If they are angry at me, it is their responsibility to say something. I can leave the room, or politely leave the conversation if I start to feel bothered- that helps me manage my own feelings in the situation. Takes practice to do this, but it is worth the work!


As a child, I always felt that it was my responsibility to "fix" my mom's bad moods and that I was to blame for them. I need to work on this. 

[Notwendy]

I was expected to keep my mother happy and I was also the family scapegoat. What an impossible role for anyone and a horrible one to expect out of a child. Yet the big family secret was my mother- she was upheld as normal- and so any behaviors that were not normal had to be someone else's fault.

The irony to this is that we kids were thankfully well cared for in other ways. We had a nice house to live in, food, nice clothing, family vacations, good schools. We were the kids who kept a smile on our face at school, made good grades, and nobody had a clue that riding the school bus, we didn't know what to expect when we got home.

Nobody had a clue what went on at our house. We weren't allowed to tell anyone. If we even hinted at it, the response was " well it can't be that bad, look how you all turned out".

We learned to be very aware of people's moods. I could tell as a kid, walking into the house, what we were in for by a look at my mother's face. When she was in one of her rage moods, her face would be slightly flushed, eyes glassy. Or she'd be fine and one word would trigger her.

All this was blamed on the kids. Just wait till your father gets home.

By my teens, I wanted little to do with her emotionally. I'm not certain she bonded much with me as a child. But I was very attached to my father. I saw him as the normal one.

The hardest part for me was not figuring her out. She is classic, textbook, BPD. How could she treat her own children that way? - because she is mentally ill.

It was harder to see my father's role in this. I know he was co-dependent, but he was not mentally ill. He was successful at his job, a loving and attentive father at times, but then, he'd defer to my mother no matter what, even if her reality was different from ours.