Getting out of relationship, I feel worthless, can't stop thinking about her.

[Clearwater304]

I first met Erica last year in August. I told her I was just getting out of a relationship and just wanted to be friends. My previous relationship was with a girl named Katy and lasted about a year. Katy admitted to me she had therapy and they warned her she could get BPD. My relationship with Katy was rocky, and I ended it because I was uncomfortable with her hanging out with her ex. I was so convinced she was cheating on me, I hooked up with another girl (Edna) two weeks after we broke up. Edna and I went out for two weeks, and I broke up with her because she had a promiscuous past. When I met Erica, she really liked me, and said I was her dream guy. I shot her down and told her I still had feeling for Edna. Edna didn't reciprocate and I end up getting hung up on Erica. Erica starts dating all these guys, making out, and had a one night stand while we were friends. I find out she just got out of a year long relationship, and moved to my city for her job. Also, the guy she was with was planning on moving down her for her, and even payed the first months rent. I told Erica I like her and we end up dating. Things are rocky from the start, but we both have a very strong attachment to each other. She makes plans to visit another city with her sister for her birthday. She ends up inviting me, but I can't make it the first day. When I show up, she mentions her and her sister went clubbing the night before, and her sister went home with another guy. She mentioned she danced bachata with some dude, and some guy tried to put $100 down her shirt but she slapped him. Not sure what to do, we still had reservations for dinner, so I paid, but talked to her the next day to break up as I didn't want to break up with her on her birthday. She begs me not to do it, and after hours of turmoil, we stay together. I soon discover she holds deep resentment for me turning her down. At the same time, she really likes me and looks at wedding rings, while talking about getting married. She starts talking to a guy a month later, and I find out she's deleting messages they send. We break up and get back together a week later because she didn't have anyone to be with on thanksgiving. She keeps comparing me to her ex. She brings up the one night stand and says she did it to get back at me. I mentioned I thought about other women when we had sex. We seem to have a bad argument about once a week. She's very suspicious and checks my phone constantly when I'm not looking. I fly out to her hometown on Christmas and meet her family. Everyone seems to like me, even though she's mentioned our rocky relationship. She keeps mentioning things about her ex. I get cold and distant in the relationship, and stop being happy. She sends me love messages everyday. I blame her for me for using me and going into debt. She wants to go with her family to Mexico on a trip, but she has to drive 4 hours through a dangerous part. I take off work to go with her. My sister doesn't like Erica. Erica starts telling me to stand up for her, but I don't know what to say because I feel uncomfortable. Arguments start revolving why my family hates her, but it's just my sister and my sister just avoids her. I move into her place. Accidentally kept ex's panties, and she sees them. Huge argument. She gets physical like she typically does, digging her fingers underneath my skin leaving bruises. I stop trying. A week later she mentions she talked to her ex fiancé. We break up. We still had plans for a road trip. I go thinking we could end things on good terms. She talks about getting with her ex for two hours. I yell voilently at her for being a horrible person. She threatens to crash my car. I told her I don't care. I ask for breakup sex later that night and start crying because I'm not ready for it to end. She's unemotional. She wants to keep my internet equipment but I tell her no. She threatens to throw all my stuff out. I threaten to call her job (religious organization doesn't allow cohabitation before marriage) and to talk to her ex fiancé she was planning on getting back together with. She's crying. I let her have the equipment. She's angry at me and hurrying me to get my stuff out.  A week later I check my iPad to get into her email account but she's notified and logs me out. I go back The next day to apologize and give back her key, but she yells at me and tells me she never wants to see me. Another week later I go back and drop off a house bouquet and convince her to talk to me, but she's yelling at me the whole time, and says she's happier without me and hasn't thought of me one bit. I yell at for talking to other men. I tried contacting the guy she hid messages from, A week later I drop off a not to apologize for how ___ty I treated her. I stop by the next day on Fourth of July, and she told me to go away and called the cops. I told her I can't believe things came to this, and I was considering marriage with her. She says I should have thought of that before I went crazy. It took her calling the cops on me to realize it was over. I still deeply care about her. She was my best friend. I'm seeing a therapist.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Clearwater304,



I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is failing. That is always hard to lose someone we care so much about. It was for me, too. It sounds like you two have been through quite a rocky road, and I can understand your sadness.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing  therapist—it really helped me deal with the feelings that came up after my breakup. I understand that one of your ex's appeared to have BPD. Is that right? Do you think (or know) that your most recent ex has BPD or traits, too?

Here is some info. that really helped me in my recovery from a breakup with someone with BPD. Do you recognize any of the signs, Clearwater?:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

This community understands the pain of breaking up, and there are a lot of tools to help manage the grieving process. Keep writing and let us know how we can best support you.

heartandwhole 

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Clearwater304,

You have taken a huge step in joining this family, congrats.

My only advice is to read everything you can, ask questions, and give yourself some space and distance and time to consider what kind of treatment you are receiving. You don't deserve this.

I took it for 10 years -- TEN YEARS. Man, I still can't believe I fell for her b*llsh*t.

Don't be like me. All the best.

[Clearwater304]

We broke up a month ago. The relationship was so rocky, we typically told each other we were breaking up in arguments. I felt uncomfortable, and thought I would have no trouble leaving. To make things worse, I just moved into her place a few weeks prior to us breaking up.
The straw that broke the camels back was when I was moving in, I had a bag of random ___ I opened and it had my ex's panties. She flipped out, and expected me to jump through hoops to win her over. I told her there was no reason to suspect anything since we were always around each other and she constantly checked my phone. After about an hour of her yelling at me and jumping on top of me, she admitted that my story might be reasonable, but she still wanted me to win her over. I refused. I hung out with my family the next day, who she thought despised her. She had plans to hang out with a friend, but showed up and immediately told me she felt uncomfortable and wanted us to leave. I didn't, and after not talking for a week, we break up.
For the next few days, I was stuck with her, and she kept talking for hours whether I thought she had a chance of getting back with her ex fiancé. Then she started threatening to throw all my stuff out if I didn't up giver her my internet equipment. I threatened that I would tell her job we were cupohabitating which was against the rules and she would risk getting fired. I finally moved into my brothers. For a few days I was okay, then the obsession kicked in. I showed up to her place four times over the course of three weeks. Each time she told me to go away, and that she never even thought of me, and she was finally happy. She also blamed everything on me. She also mentioned she didn't want to date anyone, but she wanted me to date?  The final time I came over on Fourth of July because she unblocked me on Facebook, but she called the cops on me. I told her I don't get how things got to this way, because I pictured us getting married. She said I should have thought of that before going crazy.
I just didn't understand the finality of the breakup. We talked about getting married, having kids. I travelled with her to visit her family in another state on Christmas, and went to Mexico to meet her extended family for a wedding. We were only together a year, but it was intense. She said from the moment we met she could see having my kids, She said I gave her chills when we had sex. She messaged me every morning telling me how much she loved me. During an argument, she told me she didn't think of me all day at work, and burst into tears. During most of the relationship, I felt bad how infatuated she was with me, and compared to how comfortable I love I was. She was also the hottest girl I ever dated (she looks like Selena Gomez.)
I can't stop thinking of her. Even when I think of how badly she treated me. Even when I know it wouldn't work out, and I would feel miserable. Even knowing I felt miserable most of the times I would do something special with her. I can't even pinpoint some really special thing she did for me. I feel bad, and I know it's because of her. I feel like something's missing and I know it's because of her. I know I have low self esteem now because of her. I feel devoid of happiness. I just want to be happy again.

[ICantFixHer]

I can't even pinpoint some really special thing she did for me.

I can pinpoint it for you (in my humble opinion, of course):  she made you feel like her knight in shining armor come to rescue her from the depths of her despair.

I can also say in all likelihood there was a snowball's chance in h*ll it could ever happen. There is no knight for her. It's too intense. The confusion is easier to handle for her.

Be strong and just get out. Call it. When she disrespects you because you take her crap, it's over forever. The only way to gain her respect is to unconditionally leave and never contact her again. That's what it will take.

[Circle]

Sorry you are going through this stuff. It's miserable. Keep reading other people's posts. Especially on the staying board, or law boards, if you need to be reminded how these people really behave, over the long run. It really can be a blessing in disguise to be pushed out of these relationships.

You need to take the blinders off of yourself and see how things really are. Keep reading the lessons on the different boards and studying the tools offered through this website. You'll see how predictable people with BPD can be. Keep learning. We are all in the same boat here. We're all here to learn how to deal with people like this, and our reactions to them, in my opinion.

[Clearwater304]

I've only been in two relationships. Both women seemed pretty emotional, and maybe that's just the way all women are. A girl I was with for a year broke up with me a month ago. It ___in hurts. I'm looking back at all the times she's acted crazy, and I can see that I didn't help the matter. I made things worse in most cases. A basic outline of our relationship: 

She likes me, I don't like her.
I tell her I like someone else and that she seems immature.
She dates and fools around with other guys. Has sex with some other guy.
I tell her I like her, and we start dating.
I refuse to win her over and try to take things slow.
She gets uncomfortable that this girl I play B-Ball with is messaging me.
She dances with other guy at club on the day before her birthday in another town, and tells me this before I take her and her sister out to eat at a very expensive restaurant.
Next day, talk for hours about breaking up, but we don't.
She constantly compares me to her ex fiance.
She tells me when we were friends she slept with other guy to get back at me.
I mention I was thinking of a girl I worked out with when having sex.
She hits me in the face.
She gets really paranoid and checks my phone constantly.
She catches me looking at other women.
She starts talking to other guy on FB and deletes messages.
We break up.
I tell my sister everything, and my sister hates her.
We get back together a week later.
I find out the guy she was talking to moved, which is probably why she got back with me.
She says she was using other men to make me jealous.
She wears low cut shirts to show her cleavage which makes me uncomfortable.
She posts lots of selfies.
I tell her that stuff attracts attentions and she stops posting selfies.
She starts looking at wedding rings, and saying she wants to have kids with me someday.
I travel out of town for the holidays to visit her family.
Her family loves me.
She sees tension with my sister and constantly tells me to fix it.
I don't fix it, and my sister hates her.
Passive aggressive arguments with sister
I travel to mexico with her to visit her family for a wedding.
She sends me love messages every day.
We move in together.
I tell her I went 5k in debt dating her.
She gets mad at me and says that isn't her fault.
She finds panties in one of my boxes, accidentally kept ex's panties, we get in fight.
She gets uncomfortable around my family and I tell her she doesn't have to hang around them.
We break up.
Still take roadtrip. She mentions getting back with her ex for hours. I yell at her. She threatens to crash car. Talks to sister on phone in spanish for hours on way back.
She threatens to throw all my stuff out if I don't give her internet equipment. I threaten to call her ex and her job to get her fired.
She completely shuts me out at this point.
She says I didn't stand up for her enough, and that she feels like a bad person around me. Says it destroyed her to think that she sent me into a financial ruin. Says she's happier without me.
Calls cops on me last time I stop by.

[bunny4523]

?

Have you read about BPD?  Because alot of what I read could just be immaturity... .jealousy... .playing games.

I don't really see any straight forward BPD traits in what you have listed.

Hope that helps :/

Bunny

[Clearwater304]

alot of what I read could just be immaturity... .jealousy... .playing games.  

How do you distinguish between the two?

[bunny4523]

How do you distinguish between the two?

BPD has some essentially clear traits- dont' quote me word for word... .but commonalities that most of us have experienced.

-they idealize you thinking you are the greatest thing since slice bread, then they devalue you and cannot find one thing they like about you  
- they don't know who they are so they kind of become you - mirroring which is confusing because they don't have their own self image
- impulsive with eating or drinking or spending money
- emotionally immature , like they act like an irrational teenager... .just not the maturity an adult would have during an emotional conversation.  
- aggressive inappropriate intense anger for a common easily resolved situation
- pattern of intence or stormy relationship
- the often don't have a lot of friends because they believe
- fear of abandonment, real or not (could be going to the store for too long, a change in plans sends them into a worldwind of fear you are not coming back)

If you read the stories, you can usually identify immediately if those things happened to you or not.

Bunny

[bunny4523]

try going to to the tab in the upper left - Diagnosis and Treatment.

Read and watch the videos, it should help

[Sadly]

Dunno mate, sounds like Double Imaturity to me. Plus BPD traits on her side. Don't be mad, you asked?   

[Circle]

Clearwater, I loved your concise list of events. It was a very creative way of relaying what happened. And, so readable. Normally all of that would have taken most writers a few pages to get across. I've been on these boards for a couple of years. They seem like cluster b personality issues to me. I just think when you look at a list with that much messed up behavior, it's a possibility it qualifies. Here is a great list of the whole cluster of personality disorders that are similar (cluster b):
www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/basics/symptoms/con-20030111

What I notice, are how she manipulates; attempting to create jealousy by sex and flirtations with others (then telling you about it later). And, her general recklessness. You need to decide for yourself. Don't let other people sway your views on your own situation. You seem to have a very clear and objective view of the situation! I would find it hard to imagine the person you are writing about, creating such a clear and objective summary of events. Hang in there man!

[Clearwater304]

BPD has some essentially clear traits- dont' quote me word for word... .but commonalities that most of us have experienced.

Well... .damn. I've got a few of those traits.
 :check:they idealize you thinking you are the greatest thing since slice bread, then they devalue you and cannot find one thing they like about you  
 :check:they don't know who they are so they kind of become you - mirroring which is confusing because they don't have their own self image
 :check:impulsive with eating or drinking or spending money
 :check:emotionally immature , like they act like an irrational teenager... .just not the maturity an adult would have during an emotional conversation.  
- aggressive inappropriate intense anger for a common easily resolved situation
 :checkattern of intence or stormy relationship
 :check:the often don't have a lot of friends because they believe
 :check:fear of abandonment, real or not (could be going to the store for too long, a change in plans sends them into a worldwind of fear you are not coming back)
Apparently I never analyzed how much I idealize/devalue people. Talked to my therapist about it today. He said some people have these traits and its not important to put a label on it, but it is important to recognize it and make a change. I'm trying to be healthier, so I'll try and stay positive.

[Clearwater304]

Clearwater, I loved your concise list of events.

... .

What I notice, are how she manipulates 

Thanks! You are very positive I definitely see the manipulation. Its hard because I keep thinking if i treated her right than she will mature. In the same token, I was talking to my therapist today, and he mentioned I also have BPD traits. In patrticular I tend to devalue people. I want to grow and get better though. A thought which has been on my mind is that I just want the best for her and for me, and the relationship we had was unhealthy. All I can control is myself, so I will need to focus on getting better, and let go of the relationship we had.