Out of Sight Out of Mind... For BPD?

[GoingBack2OC]

My relationship is over. I've accepted that. I'm moving out of state, she's moved back in with her parents due to the fact she's been out of work for almost a year. The drama is behind us.

Still, some things I wonder about- one in particular:

When she dumped me, within a short period of time (not rushed), I had accepted it and taken down reminders in my place, put things away that would make me think of her, removed images from my computer and put them on a separate thumb drive so they we'rent "there", in my face.

After the dumping... .We did reconnect a number of times. I found it odd, very odd, that after going to her place- after she discarded me in such a cold way, that all of the thing's I'd given her over the years (little things, birthday gifts, that sort of thing), were all still in place.

To me, especially if I'm grieving from being heartbroken, I don't want to see all the "little" things on my shelves, constantly reminding me. But her place had everything, all in tact.

Understanding the object permanence concept... .does a BPD person also non-associate actual objects with the object of significance? As in; a little stuffed animal I gave her, does the stuffed animal, after I am out of sight, now represent nothing more than just a cute stuffed animal?

To me, the stuffed animal would be a torturous reminder. But for a BPD person, do they no longer make the connection?

I just found it odd, how after breaking it off, the pain, etc, she'd leave everything up. Like nothing was taken down, months later. Five years worth of stuff.

Just curious.

[seenr]

I have had the same experience as you - get rid of everything that reminded me of her, but she tends to hold onto things I gave her.

I think that is just a different approach to breakups though, not necessarily BPD related?

[Stripey77]

 


I think as the previous answer outlines, it does depend on the person, the break up, etc. We must be mindful that despite really similar patterns of behaviour, people with BPD are still people and not following a manual of text book responses. For instance, it doesn't sound as if your break up was acrimonious? And more to the point, she ended things, right? So, thinking of someone who is a non BPD, if they break up with someone, however suddenly or even if they feel sad about it, it's less likely that the person ending the relationship has a broken heart. If your ex was a non, and had broken up with you but still kept your things in place, would the same thoughts apply? I don't think we'd think that was strange, we'd think... .well, there's no bad feeling there, at least.

But, I recognise that we are talking about people with BPD/traits, so the normal thought processes don't necessarily apply.

This post jumped out at me, because the very same thing happened to me, very recently in fact, with my ex BF. I was dropped from a great height last summer, and my heart absolutely broken, after constantly shifting goalposts and being told that we were 'having problems' (that he imagined and created, and largely based on my inability to read his mind) but an overall blissfully happy relationship. I was then recycled, and then dropped again, and then, painted blacker than a witch's hat at Christmas time.  I endured 6 months of living just a few minutes' walk away from my ex's house, and seeing him in town at various places only for him to walk past me as if I didn't exist. He was seething, and ghosted me to the point that I was left in something of a 'black pit' of despair. It has been hell.
 
We recently and very suddenly reconnected, just as you and your ex did.  The first night, he came back to my place. A week later, I went with him to his, at his insistence (on a drunken night out after bumping into each other.) He was most eager that we went to his place. I for my part was nervous, that I would see something I didn't want to see, evidence of another woman or some such... .I have not so much as blinked at another man and still loved, and love, my ex.

Nothing could really have prepared me for what I did see. Even the week before my ex had told me (in our first conversation in months) that he hated me. Going on the last 6 months, I don't doubt it, but of course, hate is not the opposite of love, as we well know. That means that there is still an attachment there.  Anyway, this week, I went to his flat, in the small hours. This was not prepared.  It was the usual bomb site i.e. a total mess. But one thing, above all, absolutely floored me. All of my things, all of them, were still there. Exactly as they had been when I was last there at Halloween.  He still had gifts from me, belongings of mine... .most still exactly as I left them.

This is from a man who told me he hates me. Who told me both at Christmas, and when we first spoke again 6 months later, that I was deleted from his life (his words) that I no longer existed - because I'd been cancelled.  He also told me of course that he still loves me, but take it as read, the hatred is the emotion that was winning the day, for a long time.

It's because of this that I was so utterly surprised to see my things all around his home. After 6 months of being ignored.

Now, if I had been so totally enraged by someone's behaviour that it caused me to tell them they were deleted from their life; if I ghosted them and told them they no longer existed to me, believe me, every last scrap of property that reminded me of them would have been in a black bag and in the skip, months ago. It's also worth noting that as he sat telling me how much I didn't exist to him anymore, he also mentioned that he still had all my photographs. When we looked at some photos together, including one of the two of us looking very, very loved up, he told me that he also still had that photograph. It's a favourite of both of ours, I think.

So, not that deleted then after all.


Strangest of all, he was very keen to impress on me that night (and the week before) that he hadn't had another GF since me, that he had had a break from sex, that he didn't want to sleep around with random women. Affectionate and loving as he is, this may well be the truth. When we got to his place, he said something to the effect of "now you can see that I haven't lain with anybody else".  It was as though he wanted to prove it to me.

I can only assume that he meant that I could see this precisely because my things were still there all in situ, and there was nothing of another woman there.

Sadly, we are now not speaking again (i.e. he is ignoring me again) for entirely different reasons, which is a crying shame after all the progress made a few weeks ago. Too much to explain here, but I walked right past his business premises a few days ago. And right where he works, still hanging proudly in place, is a decorative gift I made especially for him.

So I'm back on the merry go round again, and of course, in pain. But I thought you might like to hear this story because the one thing that stands out above all to me is, it's clear as day that I hadn't been 'deleted' at all.

[pgri8684]

I am still in contact with my ex because we have friends in common.
I was replaced very quickly by a new caretaker (after one month).
She kept some useful objects I gave her (my old computer, a GPS device, a MP3 player).
From time to time she told me how they are useful to her; she finds this situation quite normal. I am also convinced that she kept all the old pictures of us.
There is apparently no emotion or affect but I'm not inside her brain.

[Sadly]

I am struggling big time with the out of sight out of mind thing. Are they all the same, have I been relegated to nothingness? The last time we got back together he told me he thought of me every minute of everyday. It sounded true, it wasn't mirroring, he said it before I said anything. Was that a lie. Am so very confused.

[seenr]

It might not have been a lie.

My ex said similar before we got back together once and once even told me she had a song playing on her ipod that she listened to while exercising as it made her think of what might have been. I do believe her as she was passionate about us getting back together then and I do think I/our relationship was on her mind a lot.

Sadly - I think your ex might be similar, but I guess we should not be thinking like that and wondering will they come back. We should be making sure we can live life without them, healing ourselves and reaching a point where whether they come back or not, we feel like a complete person again.

I am struggling big time with the out of sight out of mind thing. Are they all the same, have I been relegated to nothingness? The last time we got back together he told me he thought of me every minute of everyday. It sounded true, it wasn't mirroring, he said it before I said anything. Was that a lie. Am so very confused.

[Sadly]

Hi Seenr
Thanks for reply. I can't bear the thought of being back together and being so hurt and trampled on, am trying very hard to stay strong, this break up feels different than the others. It's just the thought, like I said, of being relegated to nothingness after all we shared and meant to each other once. That thought hurts so much. x

[StayStrongNow]

It is so easy for a BPDer to move on especially when the non has been painted black from white as s result of projection of course, and triple easy when a replacement if firmly intact.

Their minds and heart work so differently.

[Sadly]

All of them?

[Fr4nz]

To answer the original thread-starter's question: mine kept various mementos from past relationships (at least the most important ones), such as several empty wine bottles she drank together with former partners, books, t-shirts, and other minor stuff.

At that time I found a little bit odd that she kept so many mementos, however I see now that it has to do with "object permanence" issues.

[heartandwhole]

Hi GoingBack20C,

The "out of sight, out of mind" general concept is a significant part of the BPD spectrum, due to a pwBPD's arrested emotional development at a very young age (attachment issues).

I know what you mean about the "objects," although I am not sure I understand the importance of them after a breakup. On the one hand, they could be kept to literally "remember" you, since you are not around, and therefore, don't really exist. On the other, they could just be objects that she likes and wants to keep, just like I have jewelry that previous boyfriends bought me. I may not wear the pieces often or at all, but they mean something to me and remind me of a past relationship and someone I used to (actively) love.

I see your point, though, about the coldness and finality of your breakup and then the keeping of the objects. That seems really odd to our thinking.

Here is a thread that really gets into the nuts and bolts of object constancy/consistency/permanence... .etc. You'll find that members had similar experiences to yours:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.msg579561#msg579561


heartandwhole

[Indifferent28]

I get aggravated when i see photos of my ex with this camera bag I got her, being used to take her camera to take photos of her and the replacement -_- It's like why don't you get another bag?

Her room also still has all the items I bought her hanging on the wall.

But I have never thought she left it there to remind her of me or us... .more so, she's moved on so she doesn't see it as necessary to take them down/toss them simply because seeing them have zero effect on her now.

[HoneyB33]

I also was really confused about my ex having a lot of my stuff around. One that confused me was that I gave her this stuff animal as a christmas present. She never really cuddled with it, but after things she posted pictures with this stuff animal AND wearing the promise ring I had taken off when we were "figuring things out". I also struggled a lot because she had things around like my bedding, wore my necklace and stuff like that. She even asked me once when she was finally ditching all my stuff at my parents house (I was out of state) if she could keep this side table. She literally only contacted me because she wanted to know if she could keep a side table. Fu**ing ouch. She also only contacted me 2 months after her last discard to get an old phone from me. Lovely people.