UBPDm calling daughter's friends and old job

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Family,

I have a friend (let's call her E) whose UBPDm is chock full of BPD traits though she has not been diagnosed.  E went NC with UBPDm last fall.  UBPDm has been pretty respectful about NC except for showing up at one event that E was hosting in public.  E's bf asked UBPDm to leave the event and she did. 

E was supporting UBPDm for quite a while.  E has cut off all support except she continues to pay one utility. 

UBPDm text'd E's friend this past weekend saying UBPDm is on food stamps and in need of work.  UBPDm also called E's old job looking for work. 

E is afraid that UBPDm will call E's new job (which hasn't yet started) and put her new job in jeopardy. 

Should E give her boss a heads up that UBPDm might be calling?  That is my instinct.  Just so her boss and/or HR people are not caught off guard and are less likely to believe what UBPDm might say.

Who has been through this?  What would you suggest?

Your wisdom would be most appreciated!

XOXO
RML

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hi Family,

I have a friend (let's call her E) whose UBPDm is chock full of BPD traits though she has not been diagnosed.  E went NC with UBPDm last fall.  UBPDm has been pretty respectful about NC except for showing up at one event that E was hosting in public.  E's bf asked UBPDm to leave the event and she did. 

E was supporting UBPDm for quite a while.  E has cut off all support except she continues to pay one utility. 

UBPDm text'd E's friend this past weekend saying UBPDm is on food stamps and in need of work.  UBPDm also called E's old job looking for work. 

E is afraid that UBPDm will call E's new job (which hasn't yet started) and put her new job in jeopardy. 

Should E give her boss a heads up that UBPDm might be calling?  That is my instinct.  Just so her boss and/or HR people are not caught off guard and are less likely to believe what UBPDm might say.

Who has been through this?  What would you suggest?

Your wisdom would be most appreciated!

XOXO
RML

[Panda39]

In my opinion yes, have your friend let her boss and HR know what is going on.  Talking about this will probably be hard for her especially at a new job but for HR in particular this won't necessarily be the first time they've seen something like this. Her boss or HR Dept. might even have suggestions or ideas that could help. (Like blocking mom's phone calls for example)
I think if she is up front about things her employer won't have to guess and read things into what is going on... .there is less chance of a misunderstanding with your friend and her employer if she just tells them what's going on.

When I started dating my SO I let my boss and my department co-workers know about his uBPDxw so they all were aware of her.  Luckily she never attempted to interfere with my job.

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi ReclaimingMyLife

This is an unpleasant situation for your friend to be in. What led up to your friend going NC with her mom last fall? Was it a specific incident or more like the culmination of all the events that had transpired?

Considering her mom's past and recent behavior, I understand why your friend is concerned about her mom calling her new job. Discussing this with her new boss or HR would be hard indeed, definitely not how you would want to start a new job. But if she really believes there is a possibility her mother might call, it perhaps would be wise to discuss the matter with her boss and/or HR before things get out of hand.

She texted E's friend and also called her old job. Has she in the past ever contacted any of your friend's jobs before while your friend was still working there?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thank you, Panda and Kwamina.  I really appreciate your input and agree that she should mention it to her boss/HR.  Good point that her boss/HR may have dealt with this before. 

The good news is E has worked with this boss in the past so it will be easier to discuss than with a brand new boss. 

UBPDm has not called E's jobs in the past.  UBPDm seems to be calling now b/c E has stopped supporting her so UBPDm is struggling financially and is allegedly calling in need of work.  E thinks UBPDm would rather die than work and feels this is really about manipulating E to break NC. E is committed to staying NC.

As for E going NC, it was long overdue from a lifetime accumulation of really toxic behavior.  E's life has improved dramatically since going NC. 

Thanks so much for your input!

XOXO
RML

[Kwamina]

Hi again

The good news is E has worked with this boss in the past so it will be easier to discuss than with a brand new boss.

This can be very helpful indeed. These matters aren't easy to discuss but this could indeed make it easier.

E thinks UBPDm would rather die than work and feels this is really about manipulating E to break NC. E is committed to staying NC.

Has your friend's mother ever worked before? How long ago was it since she last had a job?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Has your friend's mother ever worked before? How long ago was it since she last had a job?

She may have worked before she got married and had E.  I do not think she has worked in the last 35+ years.  Her husband died about 4 years ago.   E lived with her/supported her after his death for a year or so.  Then E made her get her own place but still supported her until she went NC last year.  She is definitely not in the habit of taking care of/supporting herself. 

E says if E was financially able E would happily support her but have NOTHING else to do with her.  E is trying to.pick up the pieces of E's own life and cannot afford to take care of her mom at present.