No Kidding about Addiction

[thrownforaloop]

Just a few emails of her being nice and saying she still loves me, gives me this horribly conflicting feeling: I just want to run to her, pick her up and carry her away, while letting everything else in my life burn to the ground.

That shred of love, that rarely ever showed up, made me stay with her through it all. It really is an addiction. We hold out, get mistreated and patiently wait for them to give us a scrap of affection.

What a mind f@#k.

I really need to get out of this city, out of her realm.

[JerryRG]

Hello thrownforaloop

I can relate, I've done everything to "RUN" but I share custody of our son.

Your awareness is going to save you, glad to hear you know what these relationships are all about.

Talked with my therapist yesterday and she said I was addicted to my exes chaos, not her. Yep this is a full blown addiction and for me to treat it otherwise is a mistake.

I admit I am powerless over my exgf.
God save me from her and myself.

[thrownforaloop]

I admit I am powerless over my exgf.
God save me from her and myself.

God, really. I don't understand why I don't have more control over my heart. Why do you think you're addicted to the chaos?

[Clearwater304]

Talked with my therapist yesterday and she said I was addicted to my exes chaos, not her.  

That touches close to home. I think back on the relationship and it was filled with chaos. I don't know why I would want chaos? My ex said the only reason we got that way is because I was too stubborn to see her point of view and just make her happy. Happy wife, happy life. I tried bending on some things, but I was afraid of letting her walk all over me. I kept trying to make her happy. we were just too different.

[JerryRG]

Hello thrownforaloop

I am certainly no expert in all this, I just know I became addicted to the chaos, it was non stop excitement, stress, manipulation, lies, threats, fighting, name calling and sarcasms. She didn't respect me because she didn't respect herself. I believe pwBPD need chaos to distract from their horrible emotions churning inside them.

We become distractions for them until we figure it out and walk away or we just run out of energy, interest or realize we cannot help or change them. They either sense we are leaving then or their feelings change and they seek out someone or something that provides more entertainment or distraction.

My exgf is a dreamer, always thinking like a child.

This is what I've learned about my relationship with my exgf.

[Icanteven]

My therapist says I'm an addict, but not to the chaos so much as the childhood needs my wife was able to fulfill for me.  Regardless of whether or not it's chaos or our inner child or whatever, though, it's an addiction

I just want to run to her, pick her up and carry her away, while letting everything else in my life burn to the ground... .We hold out, get mistreated and patiently wait for them to give us a scrap of affection.

BINGO!  My childhood needs were so precise and narrow and she fulfilled them in such a specific way that I could put up with all the bad times and bullsh#t for the good times which were the best times of my life.  Problem was, the good times got shorter and fewer between, till there wasn't anything left.  I would have been in the exact same place without the kids:  let my life burn to the ground for this woman. 

I didn't sleep or eat for almost a week.  I went to the darkest place of my life.  But, months later and lots of therapy and friends and family beside me, I feel like I'm at the edge of the other side of the tunnel looking at what's head instead of groping for the light.  Sure, there's a giant black hole immediately behind me, but at least the danger now is falling into it instead of not being able to find my way out. 

You'll get there too.

[thrownforaloop]

We become distractions for them until we figure it out and walk away or we just run out of energy, interest or realize we cannot help or change them.

Oh man, Jerry, so true. That's a perfect way to put it--run out of energy. I remember whenever she would get angry at me (which was very often), she would start yelling at me and I would feel paralyzed--like all the life I had up until that moment was sucked out by a vacuum.

As for needing chaos to explain staying in that sort of relationship... .maybe we should all take up extreme sports and actually gain something from the insanity! 

Thanks, Icanteven. That's very interesting that you can recognize what your childhood needs were and how she was fulfilling them. Do you mind me asking what they were? I can't quite pinpoint why I stayed as long as I did in such a nasty relationship... .I'm impressed by the people who can recognize the patterns and motivations behind that.

[JerryRG]

Haha thrownforaloop

The last 4 years have been pure h*** and I liken to combat in a place where you lose track who the enemy is and then one day you realize it but by then you've already signed away any chance of escaping.

No one outside the war knows it's going on, covert, and they cannot help even when they are suspicious.

We fight or die, then lay down with our enemy for the next battle. One day we do escape, just barely alive and slowly recover... .battle wounds are deep, many scars and absolutely no medals of honor.

No one wins until we nons save ourselves and declare war on mental illness and vow to never engage pwBPD again.

Oh well... .

[Meili]

My T too told me that I was/am addicted to the chaos and suggested that I take up extreme sports as a replacement. I've been doing extreme sports since I was 13, so that isn't really an option.

There's actually some truth to the addiction part from what I've been told. Our bodies, under stress for extended periods of time, get used to producing stress hormones. When we combine that with the endorphins produced by the extreme highs that come with the idealization, it's a potent combination. We literally become addicted to the adrenaline and endorphins.

When removed from the chaos and idealization, those biochemicals reduce. We have become so used to them that we go through withdrawal. Like any addicted, we start to figure out ways to regain the sensations the biochemicals provide. Like any addict, we're best served by just riding out the withdrawal and getting our bodies back to a balanced state.

It would seem that getting out of town won't help when you receive emails TFaL. Are there any other options that you can think of?

[joeramabeme]

Why do you think you're addicted to the chaos?

I grew up with it.  I am pretty sure that my Mom was full blown BPD and with 6 kids it was f'in crazy.  I used to eat dinner sitting UNDER the table. 

My ex BPD was a balm for my childhood wounds.  She understood the craziness I experienced and had her own stories. 

Strange as this may sound, she is way more normal than my FOO and actually helped me straighten out a bunch of mixed messages I was stuck on for years with them.  Her sage advice and compassion all came in a very unpredictable package which made it seem like a healthy form of home with someone that kept me guessing what would happen next but loving enough to make me want more.

[Meili]

Strange as this may sound, she is way more normal than my FOO and actually helped me straighten out a bunch of mixed messages I was stuck on for years with them.  Her sage advice and compassion all came in a very unpredictable package which made it seem like a healthy form of home with someone that kept me guessing what would happen next but loving enough to make me want more.

This was my experience also. Well, maybe not the sage advice, but what she showed me. The dynamic created a bond that has proven very hard to break.