Is it really the end?

[Xstang77]

Posted here earlier but haven't really gotten the full insight I guess I'm craving,how do you know when there really done with you? I haven't physically seen my ex in 2 weeks now and we haven't talked since she last messaged me a week ago that I ignored, I think this is the longest out of all our recycles.we split 5 weeks ago then she would come once a week and "visit" then we were supposed to spend my week of vacation together she promised,came and spent the night 2 weeks ago suprise visit all lovey etc,then the next night she says she was sick and couldn't come,then I see she went out drinking the next night,then 4 days later I see she spent the 4th with another guy hugging etc. just 4 days after sleeping with me, I post "boy do I feel sorry for that guy/guys not my problem anymore,peace out,I deleted it but she still saw through friends then she messaged me that night "so what's good with your fb status?" I haven't said anything and she still seems to be single but she never spent time with me last week or contacted me since, has she moved on and left me behind? Need advice,she still has her mailing adress here though I threw out the rest of her stuff that she left here in case she could eventually come home (she doesn't know I have though)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

What do YOU want? If she is seeing other men, and not committing, is that a relationship YOU want? If you DO want a relationship with her - are you willing to accept that she may act like this forever?

[Hopeful07]

My ex boyfriend was awful with commitment. When he would ignore me for a period, he told me when he came back that he broke up with me in his head, so he didn't feel bad about anything he did with women, because he was single. That is not how life works. I couldn't believe it when he told me that logic.

[livednlearned]

Need advice,she still has her mailing adress here though I threw out the rest of her stuff that she left here in case she could eventually come home (she doesn't know I have though)

You threw out her stuff?

Do you want her to come home?

[SoMadSoSad]

Need advice,she still has her mailing adress here though I threw out the rest of her stuff that she left here in case she could eventually come home (she doesn't know I have though)

You threw out her stuff?

Don't you want her to come home?

Lol this^

[Xstang77]

Yea I threw out her stuff after I saw the pics of her and another guy not even 4 days after spending the night with me,I want my companion and best friend back she's always recycles me in the past but we haven't talked in 2 weeks except when she asked me about my status last week and I didn't respond she hasn't said anything else to me since I feel abandoned I miss her could she really be done and gone?

[livednlearned]

Yea I threw out her stuff after I saw the pics of her and another guy not even 4 days after spending the night with me,I want my companion and best friend back she's always recycles me in the past but we haven't talked in 2 weeks except when she asked me about my status last week and I didn't respond she hasn't said anything else to me since I feel abandoned I miss her could she really be done and gone?

It sounds like there is volatility in the relationship, for both partners.

People with BPD struggle with emotional stability, so you have to provide it. Not easy!

She needs to feel unconditionally accepted, and she isn't likely getting that message from you, so she looks elsewhere for it. It's a tall order to accept that she does what she does. Even so, this is part of stabilizing a relationship with someone who cannot do it on her own.

Unconditional acceptance means that you accept her for who she is, right now, without judging or evaluating her feelings. It's likely that she bounces into the arms of the next guy because she feels rejected. The key is to validate how she feels to prevent emotional arousal turning into a full-blown emotional whirlpool that drags her down, and washes her into a relationship impulsively, so she is not left alone with intense negative feelings about herself.

Can you get her stuff back?

[Xstang77]

The night she came here I was very loving and caring then not even 4 days later she blew off spending my vacation with me and went to a party with that guy and abandoned me for my whole vacation,I can't get the stuff back but she doesn't even know it's gone if I stay withdrawn will she reach out soon?

[livednlearned]

If she reaches out, or if you reach out, her missing stuff is probably going to come up, no?

It's hard to know if she will return without understanding more about the dynamic in your relationship. From what you shared, it does sound like there is reactivity, maybe even volatility.

Do you want to think about ways to stay grounded when she cannot?

You'd like to get back together, and haven't responded to her last text. Is there an opening there to present some confidence that you are grounded? If she senses desperation or thinks you are falling apart, that is likely going to drive a wedge.

[Xstang77]

As you can imagine thres A lot to our history,4 recycles in 2 years never lasting with her gone for More then a month though and she's never publicly been with other guys before like this,we've been split up over 5 weeks of her leaving involving the police,we stayed lc and met weekly mostly fwb,as far as the stuff being thrown out it was just smaller stuff of less importance that's been sitting here for 5 weeks now,we've never gone a full 2 weeks without talking or contact though,she completely abandoned me for my week of vacation,I just don't know if she Will reach out or not her fb still says single and its like she's just disappeared from my life but her mailing adress is still here

[livednlearned]

What would you like to say to her?

[Xstang77]

Not really just one thing I want to say,honestly I'm craving another recycle but I just don't know if it'll happen or not,I mean even when we do talk we reach all these conclusions etc, her words never match her actions.

[Xstang77]

Do you guys think letting her come to me at this point is the best action,I worry if she does it'll only last for a night or so then she'll split again,I've read a lot of how the recycling type never stops unless you stop it but does this sound true in my case? A previous reply asked me if I could deal with this forever but is that even an option? It really just feels like she's ghosted.

[livednlearned]

If you want her to change, you have to change.

Is that something you are ready to do?

[Xstang77]

What can I do to change? I've tried everything including being a door mat to her

[livednlearned]

What can I do to change? I've tried everything including being a door mat to her

How does validation work with her? Validation is the art of active listening, with empathy.

COMMUNICATION: How to become more empathetic

Empathy is one of the main components of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. The problem most of us face with "empathy" isn’t the awareness of the importance of the skill - it is not knowing how to do it. This workshop is about empathy skills development and tips.  Read more.


COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

Validations isn't just agreeing with someone. Validation is a key concept that has the power to really transform and improve relationships.  It does this by adding in a few missing ingredients - acceptance, understanding, and empathy. When a relationship is dysfunctional, typically there is a lack of validation (understanding) going on and lots of invalidation (misunderstanding) happening. These misunderstanding make it difficult, if not impossible for communication to happen. It is pretty easy to validate someone who is not upset. Validating a person who is emotionally upset (dysregulated) is a skill. Read more

[Xstang77]

I've done that as well,I've stuck by her side through many horrible things and we would have very intellectual conversations,my question is,do you think these solutions you mention are even an option at this point or does it seem like she's gone for good?

[Confused2much]

I can accept that these BPD people have a problem. They're conditioned to behave in a careless, selfish and often cruel way which hurts people who love them in the process. Are these behaviors not learnt? Does having BPD mean you also have learning difficulties?

My point is these people don't give a crap about people like me. They don't want to hear about how they're upsetting people or even attempt to do anything about it in most cases. You can talk calmly, loudly, angrily or however you like and it doesn't sink in.

I've given up and it's not because I'm stupid but because I don't accept that these people are unaware of their actions hurting others who repeatedly explain that they are. They have just grown up not to care and for me its that simple. They aren't well rounded people and you'll only have a life of walking on egg shells, playing games, trying to be clever and understand someone that is just plain awful.

Get rid.

[Xstang77]

I agree to that all but I'm still looking for opinions on my original answer,I know none are the same but they say they become predictable so since I shared some details I'm really looking for opinions on my original question.

[livednlearned]

I agree to that all but I'm still looking for opinions on my original answer,I know none are the same but they say they become predictable so since I shared some details I'm really looking for opinions on my original question.

Hi Xstang77,

I understand the desire for answers to this.

People often say that BPD is consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable. Maybe we can break down why this is, and why people are reluctant to predict what she might do.

BPD has 9 criteria, and 5 needed for an official diagnosis. There are roughly 198 different variations depending on how each person's symptoms present. Then, there is severity of symptoms, something that Gundersen (leading researcher of BPD) thinks needs to be considered when diagnosing and treating BPD. Some people with BPD have avoidant coping mechanisms (fear of engulfment) and some act in (so-called quiet borderline). Some do drugs, some are excessively impulsive, some have comorbid diagnoses (substance abuse, another PD, bipolar, major depressive disorder, etc.) that complicate things further.

Then, there are the relationships and environments around the person with BPD, which, because this is a disorder largely about emotional dysregulation, matters a lot. If the environment is invalidating, a person with BPD is going to seek validation (often desperately) somewhere else.

It takes tremendous strength to not be emotionally injured by someone with BPD. It's not fair, but predicting what a loved one does can often come down to what we do, the changes we make. It can come down to whether or not, despite all the unbelievably painful behaviors we tolerate, we can feel enough compassion and learn what are essentially counter-intuitive ways to communicate with someone who suffers from BPD.

What we know from your story is that she's hurting you so badly that it is destabilizing you, too.

She needs counter-intuitive approaches that most of us do not learn in the course of every day experiences. We can cut corners in normal relationships that we cannot in a BPD relationship, and this board is about learning how to get ourselves on board with those counter intuitive approaches so we can increase the chances our loved one will stabilize, as much as possible, with our support. A tall order, I know.

For me, in the height of my own emotional arousal, I have a hard time setting aside my own hurt and defensiveness to think about solutions. It may be the same for you. It may take a little time to depersonalize what she is doing and realize that, for reasons that are complex (both biological and behavioral), she cannot for the life of her quiet the dragons enough to make good choices.

What might work best is to give us an example of how you two would communicate should she reconnect. This will ensure the chances that she won't bounce out and leave you in this position again.

Or, let us know what you would like to say to her (assuming your goal is to have her come back). We can help you think over what might work better, knowing what we know about BPD.

[Meili]

What can I do to change? I've tried everything including being a door mat to her

Then, try the opposite. Become a confident, attractive, and interesting person. You attracted her attention once, you may be able to do it again. Do you remember who you were before you met her?

[Xstang77]

I've tried being strong and having boundaries,doesn't work either I feel I've tried everything,as far as what to say if she does reconnect well I'm not sure even how to start I still haven't responded to her message from a week ago and it's been technically nc,we talk and make great progress or so I think just for her to feel completely opposite the next day, I guess more so if you guys were in my shoes at this point what would you try to do to reconcile at this point?wait for her to contact or does that even seem possible at this point?

[Meili]

What do you mean that boundaries don't work?

I may have missed it, but what was the last message from her, and why haven't you responded? ST certainly won't get her back. It's not the same as NC.

To answer your question, I'm doing exactly what I suggested that you do. I'm working to make myself a better, stronger, confident,  more attractive partner.

[Xstang77]

The last message from her was "so what's good with your fb status?" And what can I really say she came over all lovey a couple days before my vacation and I really thought she was coming back this time,then I see pics of her with yet another guy hugging etc. at some beach on the 4th of July, I made a fb status saying "boy do I feel bad for that guy/guys,not my problem anymore peace out,I deleted it shortly after but she still must have saw it through friends.

[Meili]

Could try to be truthful with her about the status and the late reply? Explain to her that you were hurt, you reacted, you realized it, you deleted it, and weren't ready to explain to her yet?

[Xstang77]

It was 2 weeks ago now and it's like she's disappeared from my life,I guess all I can do is wait to see if she ever contacts me again? We haven't seen eachother in almost 3 weeks the longest ever.

[Meili]

Why wait for her? Why give her control over you?

If she asked you not to contact her, that would be one thing. You should respect that. But sitting back and allowing her to control is not being true to yourself or taking care of your needs is it?

[Xstang77]

Guess I got my answer... went and checked her fb and she changed it to in a relationship... sucks

[Meili]

Well, you got an answer, that's for sure.

What you choose to do with the information is entirely within your control.

[Xstang77]

What can I really do at this point pertaining me and her though,I mean other times she's done this shed contact me shortly after but this time I haven't heard from her in so long