Threathening with suicide and self harm.

[WishIKnew82]

Hello everyone.

He has cut me off for a very long time now. It has been more then 9 months. Not heard a thing. Just found out he was still smearing me but he was doing that while we were still together so nothing new there. I just can't believe he can hold a grudge for that long. No weak moments? Like any normal person would have. I have them once and a while and he put me through hell. But he is like nope. Still in the same mindset he was back then.

Speaking of hell. I am trying to work on all the trauma he put me through and I am now focused on the fact how he would threathen with suicide everytime we had a big fight. For him it wasn't threatening with it but a mere stating of facts since he could not deal with the stress. Still I feel it was a terrible manipulation move. Even though I am not even certain of that in my weak moments and feel guilty for thinking that way. We would fight and he would hang up mad and tell me he was going to take some pills and hope he dies. Or walk outside saying he was going to go to the trainstation. Stuff like that. Everytime I would panick. Call him, get no sleep, email him and be a sad mess until he contacted me again.

One time he cut his wrists. Not deep enough for real damage but still frightening as hell. This was years after hearing these suicide threats and blaming them all on me. I was a mess at home and couldn't deal with it. I told him to contact someone else cause this was too much for me today and he should go the hospital and get help. Well, that day was like the beginning of armegeddon for him because after that he could not stop hating me for leaving him cold like that. That I was a horrible person and that he has never met someone who could be so careless. I started believing him. I know he is telling this story left and right and it does sound horrible if you would only hear 'she told me to go to the hospital and she just left me hanging'. That very same day we had a huge fight over it. Well, that is something he would keep bringing up also because what kind of person would fight with someone who just tried to commit suicide, blood still fresh on his wrists. A evil psychopath! That is who. That would be his answer ofcourse.
I really believed all he was saying after a few months. The rational part of my brain would want a second "diagnosis" besides him but saying that to him would just set him off even more. He would say "You really think there is nothing wrong with you, look what you have done, the fact that you're even entertaining these thoughts should tell you enough, no normal person acts the way you have done, you are even worse then Hitler, Hitler at least never killed someone personally, you killed me with not one tear in your eye and not any remorse". There was no escaping it. I had to accept that I was this horrible person who at best only had borderline but at worst was also a psychopath and narcissist.

Now, looking back, I know I was just drained from all the threaths of all those years. Crying, calling everyone while he would give me the Silent Treatment after such a threat and leaving me wondering if he was on his bathroom floor bleeding to death. He would also burn himself and said it was because of the stress I'd cause him. He would show them to me and look at my face to see my expression. If I didn't look sad enough or whatever he would go into a fury. It is so insane. But that was normal life to me back then.
We did fight a lot and I was fighting with him too. But it was never anything would go burn themselves over. Any stable sane person anyway. But he would make it out to be that I was such a horrible person to fight it cause I caused him to do that to himself. It drove me insane. I couldn't even act rationally about things because I was holding it in so much that it would always become a fight if I would stand up for myself.

I still love him. That is the sad part. I still want to help him. That feeling will never fade I guess. I will just never act on it again.

So, does anyone recognize these things  from their own relationships. Suicide/Self harm threaths or blame?
Please, share if you guys would like. I need to know how it happened in other relationships so I could understand what the hell happened in mine. Thank you  guys in advance.  

[heartandwhole]

Hi WishIKnew82,

No, it didn't happen in my relationship, thank goodness, but I'd like to express my sadness that it happened in yours. That is very distressing and scary. I would have been beside myself if my partner had threatened suicide so often and left me hanging when I was worried and trying to help. I'm really sorry that you went through that. 

Please don't internalize his criticisms of your reactions, WishIKnew, you did nothing wrong. You took his threats seriously and tried to help as best you could. There is nothing else anyone can do in those situations, right?

Unfortunately, he was also doing the best he knew how; it's just that his ways of coping felt manipulative and destructive. That is the very sad reality of disordered thinking. It sounds like he needed you to be his perfect savior who would endure any kind of behavior from him and still support and love him, like a parent toward a baby. It breaks my heart that some pwBPD have such messed up attachments that produce these kinds of defense strategies.

Are you seeing a therapist, WishIKnew? I think experiences like these leave such a lasting impression that they really benefit from digging into them with a professional who knows about trauma.

There is nothing wrong with loving your ex, or wanting to help. Those are understandable and  human feelings. You can feel any feeling and not act on it. Please remember, however, to include yourself under that umbrella of compassion. 

heartandwhole

[uniquename]

WishIKnew,
I had a very similar situation. My H attempted suicide 1 month ago. He has be diagnosed with depression and anxiety for over 25 years. The first and last time he was suicidal I'm aware of was 2 years ago. I realize now I've been living on fumes for the last 3 years and really on edge since the 2 year incident. He's seen a T and was seeing her during both incidents. This time, I got him to a hospital and yes, remained separated from him. I was/am too overwhelmed to deal with him. I started therapy myself after this latest and it has helped a lot.

You have to follow your gut. You know you care. You know you can't take it and being apart from him is right for you. You can't let Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) rule your actions.

Hope this helps. It definitely helps me to see someone else struggling with the same issues. Thanks for posting.

[balletomane]

WishIKnew, my ex did similar things to me a couple of times, but not with the frequency or intensity that you experienced it. I'm really sorry you went through that. In my case, he told me over IM that he was going to kill himself. I tried to support him, and he replied, "I forgot you're impossible to talk to," and left the conversation abruptly. I sent multiple messages begging him to say something, but he didn't reply for a couple of days. I was physically sick with anxiety, imagining the worst. When he finally did come online, he was commenting on his Facebook wall and interacting with other people's posts, but not responding to me, so it was obvious that he was giving me the silent treatment. Finally he told me, very irritably, that he'd stopped talking to me because I hadn't been helpful. But nothing I tried was ever helpful when he was in that mood, and that didn't explain why he'd given me the impression he was going off to die and let me stew in that anxiety for two days.

When he cheated on me/replaced me, and I was devastated, he accused me of 'emotionally extorting' him. "Why can't you just be happy for me?" Then he said, without any trace of irony, "I just had to cut myself because of you." He quite often told me I was doing things he was actually doing himself.

I only have these two memorable occasions where I was threatened/manipulated with suicide or self-harm, and they were enough for me. I can't imagine what sort of pain I would have been in if he'd pulled that stunt more than twice. Like you, I also wanted to help him, and realising that I couldn't was one of my biggest steps towards feeling better. My heart goes out to you and I hope you're in a better place soon. 

[Hopeful83]

WishIknew82,

First of all, massive hug from me for having gone through all that  That is traumatic and abusive, and when it comes from someone we love and care for it makes it tenfold difficult to process and make sense of. I can identify with so much of what you said, so I thought I'd share my experiences.

During his rages, my ex would sometimes tie a belt around his neck and tighten it in front of me. I'd then have to try and overcome his strength in order to loosen the noose. To this date, I still struggle to make sense of the fact I went through all that, so I understand how confusing it is. I now look back over those incidences and can't believe that they actually happened.

I cannot tell you how or why. All I can say is that it would occur when he was raging. I guess it was a move of some kind of desperation. Even his rages never really made sense to me. I couldn't figure out what was triggering him - we'd be having a simple argument (more often than not, not over anything significant) and he'd just switch, and that would be it. Screaming, shouting, physical threats, coming up in my face and swearing at me, pushing me down on the bed. He once slapped me, too. Like you also mentioned, his response was in no way 'normal' to what was occurring.

For the two years that he'd rage, I desperately tried to make sense of it in order to 'avoid' triggering him. But there was no sense to it, so it was pointless.

I identify with you saying you want to help him. I wanted to help my ex, too. He had a traumatic childhood and I put his behaviours down to that, justifying his actions while in the process. But the truth is, no one can be helped unless they want to be helped. In the end, despite all my patience, compassion and understanding, he threw it all back in my face and got engaged to someone else within two months.

I now know his behaviour is more to do with him than anything I ever did. I also learnt the hard way that the person I should have been putting first for all those years was myself, and I didn't. I compromised my own safety for the man I loved. So during my healing, I've made self-compassion and self-worth a priority for myself, and it's working - I now look back and *know* I will never willingly get into another relationship like that.

Not sure if my ramblings help you in any way. My point is, take good care of YOU right now. You've been through a traumatic experience and you need your own attention. Do what makes you feel good. Take time to heal. Read books that will help and soothe you. Surround yourself with good people. Exercise. Eat good food. Become your own best friend.

That's what I've done and although it's been the most difficult 12 months of my life, I like to think I'm coming out the other side a better, more well adjusted and stronger person.

Hopeful.

[WishIKnew82]

Hi WishIKnew82,
Please don't internalize his criticisms of your reactions, WishIKnew, you did nothing wrong. You took his threats seriously and tried to help as best you could. There is nothing else anyone can do in those situations, right?

Are you seeing a therapist, WishIKnew? I think experiences like these leave such a lasting impression that they really benefit from digging into them with a professional who knows about trauma.

heartandwhole

I try not too. But I fail sometimes since he was so persuasive... Your whole post was very nice to read. Thank you for the positive feedback. I needed that. I should be seeing a therapist. I know this rationally. I still don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I should just do it and stop thinking about doing it.

[WishIKnew82]

Hope this helps. It definitely helps me to see someone else struggling with the same issues. Thanks for posting.

It absolutely helped. Thank you. I sympathize with you and feel horrible that you had to go through something like that. I applaud you for seeking help! That is the best thing you can do right now. Taking care of yourself is a must in situations like these. Take care! Hope things will get better for you.

[WishIKnew82]

and that didn't explain why he'd given me the impression he was going off to die and let me stew in that anxiety for two days.

When he cheated on me/replaced me, and I was devastated, he accused me of 'emotionally extorting' him. "Why can't you just be happy for me?" Then he said, without any trace of irony, "I just had to cut myself because of you."

Oh woww. So familiar. I had goosbumps just reading that now. He would also say exactly the same about me not being happy for him if he did something that hurt me but benefitted him! I never thought of it that way at the time but he would also let me sit there knowing I was going bat___ crazy with worry. I just felt he was very depressed. But just like yours did I would find him doing other stuff or he would tell me afterwards that he did something or talked to someone etc. which obviously meant he was letting me worry while he was perfectly capable of contacting me to let me know he was not DEAD! I hate him for it. I was a sobbing mess a lot of those years.

Thank you for replying. It is really nice knowing we're not alone in this. Take care balletomane! Hope you are doing good.

[WishIKnew82]

During his rages, my ex would sometimes tie a belt around his neck and tighten it in front of me. I'd then have to try and overcome his strength in order to loosen the noose. To this date, I still struggle to make sense of the fact I went through all that, so I understand how confusing it is. I now look back over those incidences and can't believe that they actually happened.

I cannot tell you how or why. All I can say is that it would occur when he was raging. I guess it was a move of some kind of desperation. Even his rages never really made sense to me. I couldn't figure out what was triggering him - we'd be having a simple argument (more often than not, not over anything significant) and he'd just switch, and that would be it. Screaming, shouting, physical threats, coming up in my face and swearing at me, pushing me down on the bed. He once slapped me, too. Like you also mentioned, his response was in no way 'normal' to what was occurring.

Hug to you too and thank you so much for sharing it. My God. Yours is even worse then mine (sorry for saying that) but it just shows how extremely horrible these relationships can be. Mine did not do it in front of me. That must have been hell for you. I am really happy to hear you are working on you and I feel you will be better for it. You already are.

Mine would switch too. Just a simple argument and all of a sudden he was all stressed out and emotional and angry. I never knew when it would happen. It seemed he couldn't handle the smallest confrontation. Everything was big with him. I just could not figure out how it would go from 0 to 60 so fast. It was really a case of emotional dysregulation with him. These things come to mind with him. Maybe with yours too :
-exhibiting emotions too intense for a situation
-difficulty calming down when upset
-difficulty decreasing negative emotions
-being less able to calm themselves