Trying to resist social media viewing so i can move on. It isn't working well.

[Depression = 72% of members]

As I've said in a couple posts, since my ex and i have no contact and aren't friends on social media (but i can still see her stuff), the one thing that prevents me from moving on is social media viewing.

I view her stuff, see a photo of her and miss her. OR I view her stuff and see some sappy bull about the replacement or the replacements child so then I end up getting depressed and angry.

Well, I went an entire day without looking (PSH horrible i know).
I happened to look today and she has a photo of the replacement, and also tagged the replacement in this horribly lovey dovey mushy deep quote about how "forever isnt important but this is."

It just made me sad and mad all over again that she can think of someone THAT deeply in under a year, and not even acknowledge my existence after we dated 5 years.

How do i stop?
This is all hard.

[Indifferent28]

As I've said in a couple posts, since my ex and i have no contact and aren't friends on social media (but i can still see her stuff), the one thing that prevents me from moving on is social media viewing.

I view her stuff, see a photo of her and miss her. OR I view her stuff and see some sappy bull about the replacement or the replacements child so then I end up getting depressed and angry.

Well, I went an entire day without looking (PSH horrible i know).
I happened to look today and she has a photo of the replacement, and also tagged the replacement in this horribly lovey dovey mushy deep quote about how "forever isnt important but this is."

It just made me sad and mad all over again that she can think of someone THAT deeply in under a year, and not even acknowledge my existence after we dated 5 years.

How do i stop?
This is all hard.

[hashtag_loyal]

It just made me sad and mad all over again that she can think of someone THAT deeply in under a year, and not even acknowledge my existence after we dated 5 years.

The truth is her feelings for that guy probably aren't nearly as deep as she is trying to portray. BPD affection is very wide but shallow.

And what evidence do you have, other than her words, that she even thought that deeply of you when you two were dating?

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it is much easier to detach when you finally grasp that what you had wasn't nearly as significant as you thought you had at the time (at least from the other person's perspective.)

How do i stop?

You already discovered the solution: Force yourself to stop looking at her social media!

That, plus time is really all you need.

This is all hard.

Love is always hard, particularly when it involves a close relationship with an abusive and manipulative person. Hang in there! You can do this. It will take a long time, but focus on avoiding her photos, take it one day at a time, and you will eventually get better.

[TheRiddler]

Hey Indifferent,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it, I'm actually going through a pretty similar "phase" in this seemingly never ending detachment.  I think the trick is a combination of plain old preventing yourself from doing it, and realizing that there's a tremendously good chance there's very little depth to the relationship based on evidence you already know.  (And from what I'm sure you've read countless times, it most likely will not last; that's an important thought to really let sink in.)

I know it's easy for someone to tell you to not look, but I've been doing it myself.  When I get the urge, I think about the pain and panic that was caused in the past when I'd check in, and I realize it's not worth the moment or two of perverse satisfaction.  Also, you need to realize you can't tell much from pictures.  Everyone looks happy on social media, and I think a lot of the time it's a very forced, manufactured "happy" for the benefit of some ideal to which they're supposedly adhering.  It's an artifice, and you know how I know?  Healthy people don't say those kinds of things about each other in under a year.  That just reeks of unhealthiness.

[ICantFixHer]

The truth is her feelings for that guy probably aren't nearly as deep as she is trying to portray.

Bingo. For me it's very important to consistently remind myself that if she treated me this way, she will treat others the same. My ex hasn't found a replacement yet (to my knowledge) but when and if she does, well, I feel sorry for the replacement. I know what they're in for in very short order. It's inevitable.

I blocked my ex on Facebook so there is no way for me to "see" her. It drives her crazy. I'm good with that.

Everyone looks happy on social media

There was an episode of "Portlandia" about this; one of the characters said, "I just crop out all the sadness before I post."

[once removed]

How do i stop?

i struggled with this myself. any update of any kind, even something relatively benign would send me into massive anxiety. at some point i accepted that what i was doing was nothing but harmful to me, and i was no longer willing to do that. how do you stop? well, by stopping. one way is to find an alternative when you get the urge to check. go for a walk, for example. truth probably is, youll stop when youre ready to stop. it took me some time.

It just made me sad and mad all over again that she can think of someone THAT deeply in under a year, and not even acknowledge my existence after we dated 5 years.

you might be mistaking intensity for depth. people with BPD feel and express emotions impulsively, like young children. in your five years i assume you were on the receiving end of similar messages. the fact that she does not acknowledge your existence may indicate the lack of depth im referring to, and the nature of how she attaches. that does not reflect on you or the time you shared. but right now, i understand, it very much feels that way.

[Indifferent28]

Hashtag_Loyal,

It's actually a girl, the replacement. I am a girl as well. Well, the evidence I have to show she felt that deeply about me rather than how she is with this replacement or any of the replacements after we broke up, is simply by her actions when we were together.
She was emotional, and would get moody, yes. But never like some of the BPDs here. She just wanted me to "balance" her emotions along with mine, and it took an emotional toll on me. It lead to me emotionally detaching to protect myself, which increased her want of needyness and comfort for me. I guess she painted me "black" after i did something stupid. The last few months of the relationship, I chatted with a girl online that I never met. I had forgotten what a friend felt like, without the arguing. Well, i confused my feelings for this girl and thought perhaps i liked her. The conversations with this girl and my confusion got back to my ex.

My ex wanted to work it out despite that it was, emotionally cheating. However, i still felt detached, and months later, over night with no warning, she just said we were done, and her behavior after that is what made me see that she must have BPD. That following year after the break up.

But the entire time we dated... .Yes, I believe her actions showed me she loved me. She was just a very sad girl. With this new girl as the replacement, the girl just isn't a good example and my exes life has just become the replacement. Drinking, partying, getting fired, etc.

It's been more than year and i still feel stuck.
I will try to stop viewing her social media.

Thank you.

[Indifferent28]

TheRiddler,
Very sorry to hear that you are struggling yourself. How long have you guys been broken up?
You're definitely right about social media making tricks to throw off how happy people are. I know that there must be things at work, because the replacement took her time to find me on Facebook, and message me saying she had "questions to ask me". When i asked what, the girl never replied.

I ended up seeing my ex and the replacement in the pool directly in front of my balcony of my apartment last month! I made awkward contact with my ex and she asked if i live there now. When i got back to my apartment, the replacement had taken my exes phone and texted me, telling me to come hang out with them! Like why would I want that? She then brought up wanting to ask me questions. Said she'd only do it in person because she "doesn't talk about these things over text, b/c i keep deletings messages on this phone" (so my ex wouldnt see) and "b/c I want to know how you felt" Felt about what? Something is obviously off for the girl friend to find me to ask me questions.

You're right. healthy people do not say things that fast to each other or even think of things like that with each other until well along. Not under a year. I will try to do what you say and remember the panic and anxiety that come with checking her social media. How often do you check?

[Indifferent28]

Powell,

The thing was, my ex treated me very good. The problems began to increase years in our relationship but more of a , i saw her mental health declining and her depression worsening as well as her need to be "babied" . She never insulted me like some exes here, or doubted her love for me.
But she would purposely probe arguments with me, or "not remember what she just said" and i just watched her mental health decline. She had just turned 21 when we began dating.

Why do you think your ex is driven crazy by you blocking her? Wouldn't she want that?


Once Removed,

How long after the break up did it take for you to totally stop? do you still have spouts of it?
It's over a year on my end and i still check daily. I feel nuts.

Yes, it does feel like that right now. We were working together after the break up, up until the beginning of this year when she got fired from her horrible work ethic she has obtained since we broke up. Shes still not working, after numerous jobs got offered to her.

It did seem sort of along the lines of what you said... .Like when she saw me every day at work, she always seemed tempted to talk to me or look at me. Now that she doesn't do that since we do not see each other or talk, it's like it's easier for her to attach more "intensely" to this new girl. They had broken up a few days a couple months ago and i got a text from her about an item she still had of mine, asking "i know this is weird but is this yours?" and we somehow got onto how they had broken up. Well, they got back together days later, but i found it weird how she had conveniently found my item and was talking about meeting to give it to me, the few days they broke up... .

[once removed]

How long after the break up did it take for you to totally stop? do you still have spouts of it?
It's over a year on my end and i still check daily. I feel nuts.

i dont think youre nuts. i think the more one checks, the more one will check. it probably took me four or five months to stop. i dont have spouts per se, but i check very occasionally. it doesnt effect me emotionally, but i found about a year ago, that the more i did it, the more i was doing it, and that was kind of uncomfortable to me, so i stopped.

i found it weird how she had conveniently found my item and was talking about meeting to give it to me, the few days they broke up... .

sounds like trouble in paradise. one thing to remind yourself of, as others have said, is that social media does not present the full picture. i think most of us that struggle to stop checking social media have a tendency to see pretty much anything, and project all sorts of fears and worries onto what we see, and build up a painful narrative in our heads that may not be realistic or accurate. i think digging into what makes you emotionally "tick" as far as the urge to check, and how it effects you, goes a long way toward lessening the urge.

[Lilyroze]

  Indifferent28,

Carpe Diem! Find something you enjoy, some special joy, and do that. Cup of coffee savoured, a run, a book perhaps? What is it that would bring you joy this afternoon, or tomorrow and start a small list.

Habits can be broken, put a sticky with the word No, on your computer and each time you go to look remember No. I will do something that brings me joy.

You are worthy, you are unique so seeing her page, makes you feel less then. Don't do it. Easier said then done... .sigh trust me.

Take up yoga, meditation, or whatever brings you into the moment of Now. The Universe can't bring you joy if you are stuck or vibrating in sorrow ( note to self... .).

So what goals are you working on for this week, this summer, the future?

Maybe even start a new social media account, and when you get tempted go put something positive on that one.

Self love, self respect, and self healing all begin with you. Why not start today?

 You are the healthy non who is in a particular stage of healing or grief from this all. That is good, as you are acknowledging and learning.

Unfortunately people that have PD, run from their problems and relationships so nothing is ever fully taken to potential, or valued. Value you.

Unfortunately many of these new wonderful relationships end in train wrecks, don't stay on the tracks, don't be a bystander on the side. Be the star of your own show. You can do it.

[VitaminC]

Unfortunately many of these new wonderful relationships end in train wrecks, don't stay on the tracks, don't be a bystander on the side. Be the star of your own show. You can do it.

I second that. You can do it.

Someone on here said how our phones and computers become "little pain machines" in a situation like this.  Great phrase.  Don't let the little pain machine administer the shocks. You don't need them. You can do it.

[Hopeful07]

Kind of drastic but I unfriended him on facebook, then deactivated my account. I think staying away from it for awhile will be good for me. It's just too hard not to look.

[ICantFixHer]

Why do you think your ex is driven crazy by you blocking her? Wouldn't she want that?

Hi Indifferent28,

Any non-BPD person would likely be relieved to have been Faceblocked by an ex; normal people understand why blocking is a good and reasonable thing to do to move forward.

It drives my exBPDgf crazy because she wants to see what I am up to, she wants to know what I am doing, with whom, and when. She requires a direct connection with me in order to ensure her control.

Awhile back I had her blocked for about two weeks and I foolishly let her talk me into being "friends" again. In her exact words, it would offer "a comforting connection to you."

So I unblocked her and the 1st thing I see is a random Facedude posting a heart icon and the video to Queen's "You Take My Breath Away" on her page, along with a dozen or so exchanges between them eventually leading to "Can't wait to see you Saturday!"

Please understand I'd already dumped the ex, she can date every person on the planet but me for all I care.

I wasn't concerned she was dating, I expect that from her; what really frosted me was the way she once again manipulated me for the sole purpose of trying to cause me pain.

She was like a greedy pain machine, she couldn't inflict enough pain on me to erase her horrible, dark, pathetic truth.

I get a kick knowing she'd do anything to see what I'm posting, which is really nothing except about the house I'm buying and the baby raccoons I've been seeing lately.

Remember the BPD will always, always try to find a way to get you to respond, whether in person or online. Once I realized this I took great pleasure in not responding to the ex. I am not a sadist but I get a thrill knowing she's going to have to jump thru hoops to reconnect with me via Facebook (ie. she will have to take the time to create a fake persona (probably already has several), gather a circle of "friends", post stuff, then send me a friend request). Make her work for it!

[Lilyroze]

Someone on here said how our phones and computers become "little pain machines" in a situation like this.  Great phrase.  :)on't let the little pain machine administer the shocks. You don't need them. You can do it.

Yes believe that was fromheeltohealed as I saw that as well. Even put it on my sticky with the word Joy.

So no reason to bring pain to ourselves the certain ones in our lives already did that. Heal, bring joy and live life to the fullest. Carpe Diem!

Challenge who on this thread can find some joy in the day and go 24 hours with nothing but positive? No looking to the past, habits of hurt, or thinking judging or anything about the person who brought pain. No social media peeking... .hehe how about it Indifferent ?

An attitude of gratitude starting now. Who is in?