BPD mother worse after my dad died

[PurpleFox]

My dad died (cancer) a few months ago. I feel like I'm handling his death okay. I get sad sometimes thinking about him, but I'm dealing. We were never close, and his pain was so bad in the end, death was a blessing. However, things with my mom are worse than ever, and I've just realized she has BPD. It was an epiphany. It explained SO much. And if I had any doubts about her condition, they were obliterated when I began reading about the children of BPD. I am a child of a BPD mother.

Making my mom feel wanted and loved has always been my job since as far as I can remember. She constantly told me that we (my dad, younger brother, and I) didn't care or love her. So of course I reassured her this wasn't true. I have old diaries from middle school and high school where she always told me how neglected she was when I was doing my homework and I'd get so angry because I just wanted to do my school work (however, I never dared to show my anger). When my uncle, whom I never met, attempted suicide, I had to comfort my mom and make his actions make sense to her. I was 13. Somewhere in high school, I had to comfort her when she thought my dad was having an affair (maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. My parents pretty much hated each others). Somehow if my dad failed to get her a Christmas present, I was the one who didn't love or care about her. Any problems in her life, I became the answer lady. My mom is estranged from her side of the family (never met a single one though I'm friends on Facebook with some aunts and uncles). She hates my dad's family. She has no friends. My brother has an array of mental health issues (I wonder why) so he's no help to her though she still rages about him. He lives with her and I fear that she rages at him too. So I'm her sole source of support. Her vitriol was always aimed at my dad. Now it's aimed at me.

In my 20s while dealing with my own issues, I put a lot of distance between us, which she seemed to respect (and I have since learned, resented). I'm in my 30s now. I have an amazing husband, supportive friends, a job I love. I haven't been clinical depressed or self-harmed in near a decade. I continue to make progress with managing my overactive empathy, people pleasing tendencies, anger, and all the other crap left over from my childhood (though I've only recently realized that I was conditioned and not just born this way). My mom's calls with all her negativity, raging, and guilt trips would upset me but not nearly as much as they used to. Life was pretty good. Then my dad got sick and I got sucked back in. Everything I did to help out was never enough (a recurring theme to our relationship).

Then my dad died and it got a million times worse, especially as I try to reestablish boundaries. I've been called names. Screamed at. Cried at. Begged to be there for her, help her. The thing is, I have. Just not to the degree she wants. The one issue I haven't made progress on is my guilt complex. I feel bad about everything--I forgot to pack my husband a lunch, I didn't play with the dog enough, I'm not further along in my career, the house isn't clean enough . . . And my mom knows this is the button to push. She is alone, she is grieving, she's trying to finish the myriad of projects my dad left unfinished so she can sell the house . . . and I feel horrible about it. Her life is overwhelming right now. I hurt for her so much. But I stick to my boundaries.

However, now I'm trying to determine if I even want a relationship with her. We got into a huge fight two weeks ago and she was particularly nasty and I had to hang up on her. She called back five minutes later to apologize and guilt me some more. That's the last time we spoke. I'm tired of this tornado in my life. Yet it feels so wrong and callous to cut her out right after my dad died. I worry about my brother (we used to be close as kids, but he pushed me away as adults). When my dad got sick and she got mad at me for not being there for her, she threatened to cut me out of her life. Such a thought never occurred to me before. I fought to keep the relationship at the time. Since then she tells me she couldn't bare to lose me. My husband and friends tell me to take some time away from her. But I feel so guilty. Guilty for not talking to her. Guilty for wanting to cut her out of my life. It's exhausting.

So yeah, that's me and my BPD mother.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY PurpleFox     Welcome to BPD Family

My dad died (cancer) a few months ago. I feel like I'm handling his death okay. I get sad sometimes thinking about him, but I'm dealing. We were never close.

I'm sorry for you loss.    Even if you weren't close, part of you may be grieving for the dad you never had.

The one issue I haven't made progress on is my guilt complex. I feel bad about everything--I forgot to pack my husband a lunch, I didn't play with the dog enough, I'm not further along in my career, the house isn't clean enough . . . And my mom knows this is the button to push.

Is anyone in your immediate household criticizing you, other than you? That negative script from a critical parent is something that many children of disordered parents struggle with.  With myself, I think of it as "the disease to please".  I've listed a few links below to information you might find helpful.

FINDING ALTERNATIVE THOUGHTS
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270316.0;all

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0;all

Things with my mom are worse than ever, and I've just realized she has BPD. It was an epiphany. It explained SO much. And if I had any doubts about her condition, they were obliterated when I began reading about the children of BPD. I am a child of a BPD mother. . . . Making my mom feel wanted and loved has always been my job since as far as I can remember. . .Then my dad died and it got a million times worse, especially as I try to reestablish boundaries.

I'm tired of this tornado in my life. Yet it feels so wrong and callous to cut her out right after my dad died. . . . . But I feel so guilty. Guilty for not talking to her. Guilty for wanting to cut her out of my life. It's exhausting.

You could sent a boundary that your mom has to start therapy before you will assist her.  If she is desperate for your help, you may be more powerful with boundaries.  If you leave her presence or terminate a conversation every time she verbally abuses you, then she can comply or you are gone.

Here are links to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG), that should be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself right now?  Perhaps some mindfulness, meditation, yoga, exercise, etc.?  You might consider some therapy.  It can help you navigate through the issues.  I started some therapy, after both my parents passed within 6 months of each other and my uBPD sister painted me black. Therapy, along with working through some things with others on this website can be a beneficial combination

[Notwendy]

Hi Fox,

Have you considered counseling? Not because you have a serious problem- but to help you navigate the boundaries and your feelings in the relationship with your mother.

Families exist in a sort of equilibrium- albeit a dysfunctional one sometimes. When a person leaves, this balance changes.

Growing up in dysfunctional families- we accept that certain behaviors are "normal" even though they are not. As children, it is all we know. As adults, we can replace this with emotionally healthy behaviors- but it helps if someone helps us do this.

I am sorry for the loss of your father. Mine died several years ago and it was difficult. I was close to him and not my BPD mother. One difference in my story is that my mother's behavior changed for the worse while he was ill- and it was overwhelming for me. I then started counseling and began to set boundaries.

Boundaries are for us- not the other person. They may not comply- in fact, they may test them, and get angry. It is a challenge to stand firm in the face of that. My mother then painted me black to my father and it was very difficult emotionally. However, now, I have a relationship with her that includes boundaries.

I wish you the best in this endeavor. I know that it helped me to have support from someone who knew what "normal" is. It is not normal to be the parent to your parent when you are a child- which is what your role was. Now, as an adult, you may wish to be caring and supportive to your mother as she ages, or however you wish to do it. But you also have the right to care for yourself - in fact, it is necessary. Self care is important.

[Kwamina]

Hi PurpleFox

I am sorry you lost your dad. The two of you were never close, but even then I can imagine that losing a parent is never easy.

You are also dealing with an undiagnosed BPD mom which can be very tough indeed. You have already been given some great links by Naughty Nibbler. When reading your post and the way your mother treated you, the concepts of emotional incest/enmeshment and parentification come to mind:

The term "emotional incest" was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child (normally of the opposite sex) becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. "Emotional Enmeshment" is another term often used. And the term "emotional parentification" describes a similar concept - it describes the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent.

Many parents and children are close. Closeness is healthy and desirable. The difference between a healthy close relationship and an incestuous one is that in a healthy close relationship a parent takes care of a child's needs in an age-appropriate way without making the child feel responsible the emotional needs of the parents needs. In an emotionally incestuous relationship, instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Emotional incest happens when the natural boundary between parental caregiver, nurturer, and protector is crossed and the child becomes the defacto caregiver, nurturer and protector of the parent. This typically occurs when a the marriage unravels or when there is a broken family dynamic (e.g., substance abuse, infidelity, mental illness and the dependency upon a child increases.  One or both parent may engage the child in talks about adult issues and adult feelings to a child as if they were a peer. The child may be called upon to satisfy adult needs such as intimacy, companionship, romantic stimulation, advice, problem solving, ego fulfillment, and/or emotional release. Sometimes both parents will dump on a child in a way that puts the child in the middle of disagreements between the parents - with each complaining about the other.

What ensues is a role that the child is not capable of fulfilling yet might feel special or privileged in so doing. Clearly in this dynamic the child is covertly, emotionally abandoned by the parent(s) and being robbed of her or his childhood.

Do you feel that any of this applies to the way your mother treated you during your childhood? You can read more about this subject here:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

Emotional or covert incest: discussing it and healing from it

You also mention struggling with feelings of guilt. The information about  fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) can indeed be very helpful. I also would like to share these words of Pete Walker with you: "Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Do you too perhaps feel that your guilt is camouflaged fear? If you do, what do you think you are afraid of?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily