Insights and advice from 10 months post breakup (long read)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi guys so it's been 10 months since my final breakup with my diagnosed BPD girlfriend.

We were on and off for just under 2 years with multiple recycles, I got replaced for a few months at one stage, almost got fired, lost friends, had a mental breakdown, the whole gamut. It was a very taxing time to be sure.

It was also probably the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have spent the past several months in processing everything that happened and it's taught me more about myself, and the world than anything.

The key to "getting over it" was literally months of painful introspection. Coming to terms with my childhood, figuring out that I was a deeply wounded person and reevaluating my world view.

I had to stop demonizing my ex and look hard at my own behaviours. I was badly damaged by my childhood with a BPD mother and absent father and prior to meeting my ex I was just drifting through life, day to day, surviving.

Inside I was bitter, jealous, insecure and full of hate. I didn't know any other way it was just how I coped. So when I met my ex I thought she was the solution to all my problems and would make me happy. I got "addicted" to her and started behaving like a crazed addict. Constantly needing a "hit". And when I got devalued and my drug taken away I went through withdrawels like hell on earth.

I used to spend weeks trying to do nothing but get her back.

I lied, manipulated, anything it took. And the whole time I played the innocent victim not wanting to accept my own behaviours and actions.

During the whole time my ex did plenty of unsavoury stuff too but this was a BPD/codependent dance of two deeply dysfunctional individuals.

I did not want to accept that I was as much part of the problem as she was.

Accepting that, and putting in big consistent effort to fixing that is what stops the pain. You have to stop victimizing yourself and accept that you are as much of the problem. I know it's hard and you won't want to, but the pain comes from lying to yourself and making yourself a helpless victim.

I had contact with my ex last week, just brief and civil. So it is possible. She seems the same as before but that's fine. Her life is her journey and she hopefully will figure things out for herself at some point.

Since doing all this work my life is way better than it was before I met her. I have more understanding. I'm not negative. I am in control of my direction in life. So overall the experience was positive for me, though very painful at times.

Theres heaps more to my story so please ask if you have any questions or want me to elaborate in any area.

Thanks

[Infern0]

Hi guys so it's been 10 months since my final breakup with my diagnosed BPD girlfriend.

We were on and off for just under 2 years with multiple recycles, I got replaced for a few months at one stage, almost got fired, lost friends, had a mental breakdown, the whole gamut. It was a very taxing time to be sure.

It was also probably the best thing that ever happened to me.

I have spent the past several months in processing everything that happened and it's taught me more about myself, and the world than anything.

The key to "getting over it" was literally months of painful introspection. Coming to terms with my childhood, figuring out that I was a deeply wounded person and reevaluating my world view.

I had to stop demonizing my ex and look hard at my own behaviours. I was badly damaged by my childhood with a BPD mother and absent father and prior to meeting my ex I was just drifting through life, day to day, surviving.

Inside I was bitter, jealous, insecure and full of hate. I didn't know any other way it was just how I coped. So when I met my ex I thought she was the solution to all my problems and would make me happy. I got "addicted" to her and started behaving like a crazed addict. Constantly needing a "hit". And when I got devalued and my drug taken away I went through withdrawels like hell on earth.

I used to spend weeks trying to do nothing but get her back.

I lied, manipulated, anything it took. And the whole time I played the innocent victim not wanting to accept my own behaviours and actions.

During the whole time my ex did plenty of unsavoury stuff too but this was a BPD/codependent dance of two deeply dysfunctional individuals.

I did not want to accept that I was as much part of the problem as she was.

Accepting that, and putting in big consistent effort to fixing that is what stops the pain. You have to stop victimizing yourself and accept that you are as much of the problem. I know it's hard and you won't want to, but the pain comes from lying to yourself and making yourself a helpless victim.

I had contact with my ex last week, just brief and civil. So it is possible. She seems the same as before but that's fine. Her life is her journey and she hopefully will figure things out for herself at some point.

Since doing all this work my life is way better than it was before I met her. I have more understanding. I'm not negative. I am in control of my direction in life. So overall the experience was positive for me, though very painful at times.

Theres heaps more to my story so please ask if you have any questions or want me to elaborate in any area.

Thanks

[ICantFixHer]

What a wonderful thing to read, Infern0, thank you my friend.

Like you I've spent the past year alone -- I left my exBPDgf -- and have thought about many difficult things a whole, whole lot. It's been very painful but eye-opening.

I openly acknowledge I have issues myself, although I am definitely not BPD. It takes two to tango, and when both partners have some level of disorder things can turn professionally weird in a flash.

About 2 years ago the ex, while drunk, gestured at the beautiful backyard we'd created together and said, "It's all fake. All of it. Anyone can see this is all fake."

I asked what she meant and of course she couldn't explain it then, or the next sober morning when I asked again.

Very recently it hit me: everything was fake to her because the entire 10-year interaction was a sham to justify her abandonment issues. She dealt with them via sex, the typical "plan b" set up. She KNEW it was all a charade, and it was.

That was a big, big revelation for me, answering that sad question.

I ruthlessly questioned myself why I didn't throw her out the first time she went ballistic on me when I caught her cyber cheating. We had been together less than a year.  

Eventually I remembered why: it was because she had moved into my house 2 months prior and I could not bring myself to either physically throw her on the street that day -- she wasn't on the lease, only me -- or bear the thought of giving her a month to move out. After I saw, for the first time, the depth of her rage, I was afraid for my safety and that of my property (she liked to break things). I pictured the month being bloody and brutal, so I just buried it, told myself it was just a picture of some tits, got out my ladder, brushes and drop cloths, and painted the red flag stoplight green.

I have serious childhood issues as well; Dad routinely beat me and Mom molested me. I am in therapy and we shall see where it leads. I feel I've got a good handle on my Dad's cause of my issues, but I have totally blocked my Mom's actions out. I intend to pursue this to the end, which is a deeper understanding of my mechanisms.

The good news is after 9 years I got out. A year later things were still the same with her so I just made the decision for both of us -- no contact. Done.

Be well and keep up the great work, man. Good job!

[atomic popsicles]

Thank both of you for sharing. I'm a month and a week into my separation, and it is without a doubt the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Your stories give me hope.

[Infern0]

Thank both of you for sharing. I'm a month and a week into my separation, and it is without a doubt the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Your stories give me hope.

There's two choices when your BPD relationship ends

A) go back to how you were before. Which is short and less painful but makes the whole experience meaningless

B) take the opportunity to learn and grow, which is long and uncomfortable but gives it some meaning.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Infern0,

Thank you for this inspiring read. It feels good to read posts like yours that share successes. I understand how difficult this journey has been for you; it was for me, too. Well done for gathering the strength to look at yourself. I think it is often the hardest part of recovery, and it takes a lot of courage.

I am happy for you and wish you wellbeing and happiness as you continue on your path. I hope you will continue to share your wisdom with us as you feel moved to.

heartandwhole