I have found that a sense of general unworthiness and then an unconscious (becoming more conscious) fear of abandonment and rejection leads me to a desire to not feel my feelings & to not feel capable sometimes to be responsible for my feelings and all of my actions. I experience this as being at the core of the issues that have made me susceptible to being with, staying with & not recognizing a borderline personality disorder partner.
This seems to me highly worthwhile and honest. Thank you for the sharing mindbodysoul
Sometimes when we have been given feedback and responses that make us doubt and trust our feelings on a recurrent basis, we shy away from the feeling. Sometimes that feeling is closeness, that you seem to be addressing here.
I think in this period of healing for you, it's important to be
conscious as thrownforaloop suggested (but perhaps not to necessarily fight our urges regarding closeness).
Perhaps it would help to keep the things--i.e., closeness, abandonment, rejection--that are distressing you as a basis for your work upon yourself.
Something that helped me was to have faith that there is a normal set of feelings that result from sets of circumstances. Some of those feelings are pleasant, some are unpleasant--the idea seems to be to think clearly about them instead of saying things like, "Oh this one relationship was terrible → "love" was the adjective used by said ex everyday → therefore "love" causes me abandonment and rejection." I've simplified there but you get the idea.
Betrayal Bonds then keep me in the SWIRL... .
Interesting description you used, "SWIRL". That's often very much what it seems to be.
Something that helped me through this work was keeping
mindful while I was going through the process of accepting. A simple part of mindfulness here can be taking some quiet time, breathing, noticing your questions, then taking your time to ask why you feel that way. You may take that in addition to what Skip mentions here:
How Do We Do This?
By paying attention to ourselves in real time. There are books written about this, but the short answer is to paying attention to yourself, observe yourself in a purposeful, in the present moment, and without immediately overlaying the old filters on the situation.
The last part would probably be most helpful to you here.