Entered a New Stage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Pretty sure I've recently entered a new stage. It's a very confusing one too.

Before, I was feeling confused, shocked, heart broken, a bit angry and like my exBPDw was a rotten, detestable, lying/cheating scumbag. That I never wanted to see her again.

Now however, since her confession on Wednesday, that she never truly loved me and she just thought she should continue with me (until she fell in love for real with her current boyfriend), I've regressed. Now I don't feel angry, I feel rejected. Not sure what's going on in my brain, but now I actually miss her.

I have avoided looking at pictures of us before the separation, until today, when I caved. Such a mistake--it made me feel so overwhelmingly sad. It also filled me with sorrow for her. She has a decent heart, and wanted to be responsible/help others, but had no follow through--could never truly help creatures or people.

Anyway, I wonder if I should believe that she wasn't ever in real love with me... .I wonder if she was, during some of it, but then her current feelings rewrote her history? Because feeling as though she didn't ever love me really hurts.

[thrownforaloop]

Pretty sure I've recently entered a new stage. It's a very confusing one too.

Before, I was feeling confused, shocked, heart broken, a bit angry and like my exBPDw was a rotten, detestable, lying/cheating scumbag. That I never wanted to see her again.

Now however, since her confession on Wednesday, that she never truly loved me and she just thought she should continue with me (until she fell in love for real with her current boyfriend), I've regressed. Now I don't feel angry, I feel rejected. Not sure what's going on in my brain, but now I actually miss her.

I have avoided looking at pictures of us before the separation, until today, when I caved. Such a mistake--it made me feel so overwhelmingly sad. It also filled me with sorrow for her. She has a decent heart, and wanted to be responsible/help others, but had no follow through--could never truly help creatures or people.

Anyway, I wonder if I should believe that she wasn't ever in real love with me... .I wonder if she was, during some of it, but then her current feelings rewrote her history? Because feeling as though she didn't ever love me really hurts.

[rfriesen]

thrownforaloop,
I don't know your backstory, but I'll say that if it felt like love to you, she most likely shared those feelings. I think what has shocked so many of us posting here is how our exes went from acting like they shared our deep feelings of love to acting like we meant nothing to them, or like they actually hated us. And for many of us there was a period where they went back and forth between these extremes.

As I'm sure you've read in other posts, sometimes they then try to convince us that they never loved us or it was all a sham or that we never loved them. Most of the time, it sounds like they're trying to convince themselves too. After all, they also have to make sense of their own behaviour.

Imagine your ex's situation. I take it she seemed to share your feelings of love and happiness during at least part of the relationship? But then she also lied, cheated, rejected you. You're left to try making sense of it all. Well, she is too. I mean, she has to explain her own behaviour to herself on some level, because she has to have at least some understanding that it doesn't seem on the surface like a coherent, mature way to act. So maybe she convinces herself she never loved you, or she tries to convince you of that, because that's one way for her to avoid having to explain the wild inconsistency in her behaviour.

But does that really make any more sense? That she just decided to completely pretend to be in love with you, to pretend to be sharing a connection with you? So that she could then break it off and leave you hurting and sad? There may be some people out there who are driven by that kind of deliberate, cold, calculating cruelty. But it hardly seems to fit with the experiences most of us have had. So, just my own opinion, but I think she almost certainly shared your feelings and was simply unable to sustain them and, yes, is now rewriting her history. (I mean, we all write and rewrite our histories to some extent, as we try to make sense of our past. But all of us here seem to have ended up on this website in part because we have exes who seem capable of rewriting the past in shocking or incoherent ways.)

I feel your pain and know the hurt of someone you loved rewriting the past. The question now is - whether she's saying it because she's rewriting the past or not, what do you want to do now that she's taken this approach? How do you want to move forward?

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks for the really thoughtful response, rfriesen.

The way she explained it through email made sense... .she said she was very depressed when she met me and she felt broken, and she loved me as much as her broken self could. She then went on to say that it was the most she thought she was capable of loving at the time (as a broken person), until she met and fell for the other man much harder.

Though you are right, she has split me both b&w a good deal since the separation... .so it's truly hard to know what was real. I try to imagine things from her perspective a lot, but usually come out more confused. She only made this admission after I told her I plan on moving soon, so maybe she was acting out of abandonment--trying to hurt me because me moving means that I'm no longer a backup for her? So hard to know or say.

Since hearing this though, I've been super conflicted. Yesterday I thought, great, she never loved me--that means we can quickly get out of each other's lives and be peachy. And then today, I looked at her pictures, while missing her and thinking of her as the most beautiful woman on the planet. Jeez. Now my mind is as unstable as hers is.

The clear answer is that I should move forward by not speaking to her and by absolutely avoid seeing her (or her her pictures for that matter!). But even though I know the right path, it doesn't mean I'm not very confused and conflicted internally.

[steelwork]

Thrownforaloop, your story made me so incredibly sad. I 'm sad for you in this lonely, stark moment, but then life has chapters, and this one is ending but the book is not. That sounds corny.

I value this board because almost invariably the people here are committed to facing hard truths. Once you face them, you can put them in perspective, and perspective is largely made up of your own particular circumstances. Nonetheless. I want to say some stuff about my experiences, hoping it helps and doesn't hurt.

I have been in the position your ex is in now. About 10 years ago, I was a few years out of an insane and impossible relationship that had devolved into care taking on my part and paranoia and rage and dependence on the other's part. I was broken and exhausted and lost, and I despaired of ever having a healthy partnership. 

I met someone, and I had such a connection with him. He grasped what I had been through, and so much else about me. He was amazing. He was not crazy! And he thought so highly of me, believed in me, and he extended his hand, and I took it. For the first time in my life, I felt safe and totally loved. I admired his mind, his compassion, his spirit. I was not in love, though. The heart is a self-defeating organ for some of us. Maybe I didn't feel passionate because I wasn't afraid of losing him. Maybe it was because he was giving me what I had missed from my parents, and so my feelings were too much like family love right from the beginning, instead of getting there over time. Maybe it was just chemical. Much of the problem, I think, is that he sensed the gap between what he felt for me and what I felt for him, and it took a subtle moment-to-moment toll on the quality of our interactions--a bad feedback loop.

I stayed, because I had never had such a close relationship. I loved him. I wanted him to be happy. I felt grateful for him, and I began questioning the reality of romantic love.

And then I met D, my uBPDx, and we became friends--and after a few months we fell in love like I had never imagined--like the kind of love in love songs, and against everything I believed in, I had an affair with him. It was crazy and wrong, but it felt inevitable. And yet I didn't leave my bf for him as your ex did. Why not? Because I was afraid to. Because I still needed the emotional support I got from my bf, because I didn't want to hurt him, because (though I didn't understand this at the time) it would have been like breaking up with a parent; and deep down, because I understood that D was emotionally disturbed  and I didn't trust him with my heart.

It was only after D secretly replaced me and then cut me off that I left my bf and tried to get D back. I thought it was me waking up at last. In some level, I'm afraid I still do. But I also see that attempt to get him back as what you call an "extinction burst"-- a response to having that reward suddenly taken away. And the results were disastrous for me.

So what am I saying? Maybe your situation had no resemblance to what I described. Maybe your ex is rewriting her past emotions to make her present more bearable. Maybe there's a little of everything going on. PwBPD have changeable emotions, as we know, so maybe she went through cycles of different feelings.

A few things that might be relevant to you:

That man I loved but wasn't in love with is one of the best people I ever met. None of what happened was his fault, and the problems between us  had a lot to do with my longstanding issues wrt self-esteem and FOO, as well as the self-fulfilling dynamics of initial unequal attraction.

The man I fell in love with, I now understand, is deeply damaged. He needed an attachment from me, and every cell of his being went into securing it. He is a love-getting machine. Part of what held me back was a subconscious awareness of this. That was the healthy part of my admittedly very damaged emotional mind. I don't know what this new guy is like, or what their relationship is like, but it might not be so healthy. Your ex, I'm assuming, does not have access on any level to the self-preserving instincts that might have stopped her headlong tumble into love with this other man. It may (I'm guessing probably will) end in heartbreak for her.

So pray for her, and know that she loved you. When she says "as well as I could," she doesn't mean that her love was constrained by your shortcomings. She is talking about her own.

[thrownforaloop]

Steelwork, thanks for the response. Your story does hit very close to home for me. Apologies for an emotional response... .

From the start, I could also tell that the love wasn't matched from my exBPDw. I tried to be very warm, helpful and understanding for her. I drove her around, since she couldn't drive, I paid for everything and didn't care when she stopped working... .acted like a father to her son. I always encouraged her dreams and complimented her. Never said no to her either.

I suppose that I made myself too easy of a target for being used. Why wouldn't she take advantage, even if she wasn't in love? And by the way, she didn't officially leave me. She continued to lie about her relationship with the other man, until I uncovered the lies from phone records... .that's when I told her I was leaving her. She would have kept me (maybe forever?), to exploit and to father her child, while having her passionate relationship on the side.

I'm sorry for being a bit rude here, but... .the affair felt inevitable? I think that when you become friends and fall in love, it's all pretty easy to spot. You must have some idea of what you're getting into. I believe that when you're in a relationship with someone, and set boundaries, it's very weak and unethical to break them. If you don't really love the person, why not cut them free before the cheating? It's not saving them heartache, it's adding to it. Betrayal is much worse than just being let go.

At any rate, the man she is with now, from what I've heard from his exgf, is that he's emotionally unstable. It sounds like he could potentially also be BPD. My exBPDw said that he loves her more than anyone ever has--so much so that it's almost scary to her. I have no doubt that things will crumble around them in a relatively short amount of time. They're both integrity-less users with short tempers. But this gives me no comfort.

Also, an email I literally just received from my exBPDw states: "Never fully loving you doesn't mean I never loved you. I love you wholeheartedly. I'm just not in love with you. You are important to me and it pains me to have hurt you and that you are still hurting. I do and will always care about you, C. I'm always going to regret what I've done. You were my best friend."

None of this makes it easier. Feeling used is much worse than thinking she was in love with me for a time, and then we grew apart. Love is supposed to be selfless... .so if you love someone, but aren't in-love with them, you shouldn't exploit them. As the saying goes, 'A stitch in time, saves nine'.
 

[steelwork]

Thrownforaloop, there's nothing rude in what you wrote. It was honest and respectful. I don't justify what happened--not in the least. I've had to learn to forgive myself, though, and that meant understanding why I did what I did.

But I guess I don't believe I used anyone, except in the sense that relationships always involve take as well as give.

Anyway, this isn't about me. I think it's good that you're reflecting on your relationship. For one thing, it sounds like you are aware of your role in perpetuating a situation that wasn't working for you. I just want to suggest that she probably loved you for real and had a lot of complicated emotions beyond "what can I get from him?" It sounds like she was unclear on what feelings she was even capable of, or what mature romantic love was supposed to feel like, maybe. That's something I can relate to. Understanding her emotions isn't really the point, though. I only hope you don't let this do too much violence to your self-esteem, and maybe seeing love as something that comes in many varieties can put it in a different light. She didn't and apparently couldn't give you the kind you wanted, but that doesn't mean it was nothing.

[joeramabeme]

Anyway, I wonder if I should believe that she wasn't ever in real love with me... .I wonder if she was, during some of it, but then her current feelings rewrote her history?

Hi thrownforaloop

Great post, clearly get the sense of the pain you are feeling and the accompanying thoughts.  I have been in the same place you are while putting my wedding day pictures in a plastic bin.  When she left the house and we were dividing up belongings and came across those pictures she gave me a look like; they don't mean anything to me, do you want them or should we trash them.  Crushed my soul!

I think the revisionism you speak of is likely more of a self-defense mechanism that is akin to the behavior of, not taking responsibility, than a reflection of the past. 

I can imagine a scenario where pwBPD admitting they have a lot of feelings for a r/s that did not work out would require internal reflection and contemplation that is hard for people with the disorder to do. 

While in the relationship it is easy enough to project bad feelings onto the person you are with.  But afterwards, when that person is no longer present, how do the feelings of loss and heartache get interiorized?  My guess is that they don't.  Perhaps changing the story into, "I never felt that way", would be a good defense mechanism.

I was married for 11 years (14 total).  After my divorce, our marital T told me that the ex now sees me as a "Project"; someone she fixed and moved on from and has no feelings for more than a piece of art that was created and then stored away. 

It hurts.  Makes us ask how we couldn't have seen it all.  But the truth is that we probably did see it as it really was, but due to the volatile nature of a pwBPD internal feelings, they can't stay with it and so file it away in a category that "feels" befitting. 

So sorry man but I must say that your recognition of this, as painful as it is, indicates you are another step closer to detaching.

Hang in.


JRB

 

[steelwork]

I am worried that what I wrote is the opposite of helpful. Thrownforaloop, your feelings of rejection are totally understandable, but remember that you have the capacity for a great, equal, mature relationship. As you observed, she's probably on a crash course.

[thrownforaloop]

steelwork, I'm glad you were able to reflect on your relationship and figure out why everything happened. That sounds nice to have the closure of knowledge!

It sounds like she was unclear on what feelings she was even capable of, or what mature romantic love was supposed to feel like, maybe.

I don't know if I understand what mature, romantic love is. What it looks like and what it's supposed to be. I was foolish to believe that what I had with my exBPDw was genuine and would last, but I didn't know it wasn't real and right. The differences between saying "I love you" and "I'm in love you" continue to baffle me. So lost in this regard and it's painful to not understand. I do feel really badly about myself--that I wasn't worth being passionate over. I offered her everything and she couldn't bring herself to deeply love me, as much as she tried to force herself. I have a lot of self reflection ahead of me.

But steelwork, I do disagree with you on the last part--I do believe it was nothing. She led me on when she knew it wasn't forever. She gave me false promises during our wedding vows and had me rely on a future that wasn't possible with one foot out the door. I was all in, but she knew she wasn't. Even if she had semi-good intentions, if one feels that someone isn't forever, you are really being cruel by marrying them.

joeramabeme, thanks for your response too. If I had to choose a reality, it would be the one you are leaning towards. I hope that this is just a self defense mechanism, rather than true. But I can't pick, so I sort of have to believe what she's saying is true. However, she is also painting me poorly too. In the email conversation we just had, she said she thinks that I never truly liked her or my exstepson and that I was never happy with her. She said she feels that I abandoned them and that I never really loved her. Then she also mentioned that she's been trying to not rub it in my face, but she is the happiest she's ever been in her life with the man she cheated on me with.

The worst part about BPD is how quickly their realities can change. I will never know what is real, what is a self defense mechanism, what is a lie, etc. Ugh. Closure is impossible from them.

Sorry to hear about your ex putting on a cold front and not caring about the photos. That sounds very hurtful, but that must have been a self defense mechanism too, no?



 

[thrownforaloop]

I am worried that what I wrote is the opposite of helpful.

Sorry steelwork, no, it was helpful. Thank you. I'm sorry that I was harsh about cheating... .it's just a really touchy subject for me at the moment! 

Your words make a lot of sense, but in this exact moment, having just had such a nasty email exchange with her, I'm feeling really confused and raw. So forgive me if my responses are a little out of wack.

[myself]

I do feel really badly about myself--that I wasn't worth being passionate over. I offered her everything and she couldn't bring herself to deeply love me, as much as she tried to force herself. I have a lot of self reflection ahead of me.

Please don't weigh your self worth, or how lovable you are or aren't, on how a disordered (dishonest, cheating, projecting, abandoning, etc.) person does or doesn't see you. Reflect and focus on the best of yourself, as well as the things you may still need to work on (which includes 'to let go of'.

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks, myself. That means a lot, really! I suppose I haven't had many relationships in my life, so I'm never really sure what I deserve from one.

[joeramabeme]

I will never know what is real, what is a self defense mechanism, what is a lie, etc. Ugh. Closure is impossible from them.

I guess this is the point where many of us stay stuck inside the relationship and stuck after the relationship; "not knowing" or a sense of confusion about whether our perceptions are right or wrong. 

I believe that we all know at some level that what is going on is off-base but are uncomfortable with exercising that knowledge for fear of [fill in the blank].  For me that blank was not wanting to be alone, give up my marriage, face the world as a single guy again and more . . .

In some ways the "knowing" is not about knowledge but about feeling confident or secure in our own perceptions.  I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and my discussing or acknowledging the dysfunction was invalidated; an unhealthy way of keeping status quo.  Those experiences resulted in me going into the world not being sure how to trust my own internal feelings and perceptions; a dynamic that was recreated in my marriage. 

About 7 years into my marriage I had an individual T session where the T asked; what if your gut perceptions are right?  What a novel idea this was to me.  The more I considered the possibility of it, the more sure I felt like I was right about my perceptions.  Ultimately this realization and the attempts that followed to straighten things out placed even more pressure on my already strained marriage.

In the end, I don't believe I could have saved the marriage by passively ignoring my intuition - but I sure did try!  What happened instead was loosing whatever center I had had while trying to appease her and this just created even more uncertainty for me about my own perceptions - it became a whirlpool of confusion.

It sounds to me like you have some thoughts about how off-base her re characterizing of the relationship is.  Can you give yourself permission to say, if even for a moment, my perceptions have merit and consideration in determining the likelihood that all her words are an accurate portrayal of what happened?  You feel strongly that your love was real and concrete; it probably was.  As you know pwBPD have very deeply ingrained defense mechanisms - her revision could be another manifestation.

FWIW, my understanding of; "I am in love with you" and "I love you" is a matter of context.  "I am in love with you" generally has a romantic connotation And "I love you" (in the context of after relationship) generally means something that is non-romantic.  It is not uncommon for people to say after the end of a relationship; "I love you" (with the meaning being, I have a deep fondness of you) "but I am not in love with you" (meaning I no longer want an intimate relationship).  When my wife stated she wanted a divorce she told me; she loves me, I am like family and she sees me as a friend.  Interpretation; she loves me as a friend, not a husband . . .

Hope this helps.

Sorry to hear about your ex putting on a cold front and not caring about the photos. That sounds very hurtful, but that must have been a self defense mechanism too, no?

My guess is that this is true.  She completely acted as if we were never married and it never meant anything to her in essence "invisibilizing me".  My gut perception is that if someone needs to act "as if", then they are probably not dealing with "what is".  I am comfortable in my gut feelings about that!   

Best, JRB

[Wize]

Now however, since her confession on Wednesday, that she never truly loved me and she just thought she should continue with me (until she fell in love for real with her current boyfriend), I've regressed. Now I don't feel angry, I feel rejected. Not sure what's going on in my brain, but now I actually miss her.

Believe it. 

Perhaps against popular opinion, but I really don't think most pwBPD know how to love or what love is.  The very nature of their disorder; self-centered, self-obsessed, self-preservationist, self everything runs completely counter to the very nature and act of love.  What I believe most pwBPD experience is a childlike infatuation coupled with lots of mirroring to make us feel like it's love.  Ultimately though, this whole honeymoon/idealization phase serves one purpose; to allow the pwBPD to sink their hooks in deep to make sure we never abandon them.  Of course this backfires in their face every time but, no one ever accused a pwBPD of being rational and logical.  A pwBPD acts on instinct, like an animal. Their fear of abandonment drives their behavior and thinking.  Rational thinking is substituted with a sort of reptilian logic. They have their deep-seeded fight or flight defense mechanisms and that's how they operate. All of this is only my opinion.

[thrownforaloop]

Hey joeramabeme, that sounds right that your ex was too uncomfortable to face reality--easier to make up her own. And I really agree with the statement of kind of knowing, but not wanting to uncover the reality. That's also a good point about not trusting our perception that something is off with them.

In fact, since these past few days have been quite difficult for me, I bought this book "Psychopath Free". While it's a little indulgent and clearly hateful against people with disorders, it talks a lot about how these types of people purposefully train us so that we don't trust ourselves. That way, when they act in a way that a partner shouldn't, they convince us that it's normal and we are the ones with the problem. For my situation, that completely held true.

Upon further reflection, and reading, I do agree with Wize on this. Now I'm in the frame of mind where I don't believe my exBPDw knows what love is--and that perhaps she is incapable of feeling it. Again this book made an excellent point--that manipulative, lying, cheating emotional abusers don't just ditch one person and then immediately grow a conscience the next week and find true love. And if she did, she wouldn't feel obligated to smear it in my face--she's clearly trying to get a reaction out of me. Besides, real everlasting love takes longer to grow than a few months. This makes me think that my ex is mixing up lust and love and/or is trying to use it to hurt me for her amusement and ego.

joeramabeme, this is not to say that I think your ex wasn't capable of feeling real love for you for some time, or other people's BPD exes didn't... .I just think, in my situation, she had been manipulating me for too long of a long time. Reading through the stages of cluster B personalities in relationships... .she hits nearly every mark. I didn't know there was such a rigid script for them, but dang, she didn't invent what she put me through. I'm sort of glad that I've begun reading this--now I'm learning what to expect from her in this stage. And I can accept that she didn't not love me because I am too unlovable--but that she is too broken for it.

[joeramabeme]

And I can accept that she didn't not love me because I am too unlovable--but that she is too broken for it.

That is HUGE!  Really took me a long time to get to a place where I believed it. 

Reminds me of the song Daughters by John Mayer... .

Congratulations on the awareness!

[once removed]

I bought this book "Psychopath Free". While it's a little indulgent and clearly hateful against people with disorders, it talks a lot about how these types of people purposefully train us so that we don't trust ourselves. That way, when they act in a way that a partner shouldn't, they convince us that it's normal and we are the ones with the problem. For my situation, that completely held true.

hi thrownforaloop,

i encourage you to tread carefully here, in overlapping cluster b disorders and or psychopathy. its a very difficult field to navigate and none of us are professionals. more over, the behavior we are on the receiving end of is very confusing to us, and its very challenging (if possible) to get into our partners head as far as what drives it. for instance, impulsivity is a hallmark of BPD. couple that with an unstable sense of self, and you have a recipe that doesnt really lend itself to purposely training someone not to trust themselves - that requires rational (albeit malicious) thought, and a great deal of planning. denial, victimhood, and scapegoating of others, shaping facts to fit feelings are all quite common to BPD however, and can easily feel to us like someone attempting to, more or less, brainwash us. the difference(s) matters a great deal for the nature of our recovery.

if you want to better understand personality disorders and the behavior you have experienced in a clinical and applicable way, i encourage you to check out james mastersons The Search For The Real Self: Unmasking The Personality Disorders Of Our Age.

[thrownforaloop]

the difference(s) matters a great deal for the nature of our recovery.

Hey once removed,

Thank you for the warning and the book recommendation -- just ordered it online! Anyway, I was having a particular bad day when I bought the other book, and was looking for a way to get over the disordered relationship, rather than understanding the mechanics. I understand that it could be very dangerous ground, but I'm sort of grasping at straws. I'm at a stage where I am completely confused by my ex's actions and a lot of what this particular book says rings true for our situation, making me wonder about her true intentions. Hard to know, you know?

In hind sight, I'm sorry for bringing it to this site--as I know this is a home for BPD in particular. I've just been lost lately, is all--especially with how she's been acting post separation. Seems like certain actions seem planned out to try to be hurtful/justify her actions.

The book did help me cope with my ex telling me how much more she loves her current bf than she ever loved me and how she's the happiest she's ever been. The book gave me the perspective: if someone is truly happy, they don't feel the need to smash it in other people's faces (especially after I've told her how much talking to her and hearing her life updates upsets me). She was clearly trying to say upsetting things, thus making me question how much pain is intentional and how aware of her actions she is.

Oh well, I look forward to reading the book you recommended, so thank you!

[once removed]

presumably the book is teaching you to avoid abuse. thats a good thing.

i read plenty of sources i wouldnt read again. they didnt poison me. i think its more important to read sources skeptically than shut them out entirely, and it sounds like you are. thats also a good thing. i am of the mind though that the facts of the disorder from a clinical perspective leave plenty to be angry about, and plenty of reasons to detach. perhaps primarily though, it really goes a long way toward depersonalizing and shaking off the very hurtful behaviors, toward recognizing and avoiding abuse, toward recognizing our role insofar as how we fall into it, act and react. 

The book gave me the perspective: if someone is truly happy, they don't feel the need to smash it in other people's faces

i agree.

She was clearly trying to say upsetting things, thus making me question how much pain is intentional and how aware of her actions she is.

its immature. its abusive. its probably not psychotic. many people arent completely above that kind of behavior: showing an ex how much "happier/better off" they are.

(especially after I've told her how much talking to her and hearing her life updates upsets me)

thats the kicker. from her perspective, the thought process may be more complicated than "good i figured out something to upset him" and more along the lines that it validates her perspective of herself as the victim, you as a persecutor, and evokes a reaction from you, which keeps an attachment in place, which is the goal. conscious? probably not entirely. its what she knows. its what works.

i had an ex tell me she hated me and never loved me once. its pretty painful stuff. what other sorts of things is she saying/doing that are upsetting you? how are you reacting at the time?

[thrownforaloop]

Yeah, I've just been trying to do whatever it takes to get her out of my head. I keep going back and forth between thinking she was a monster and then the opposite, that maybe she was okay and that I was not great and didn't deserve her. As all you pros say on here, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but it's hard to accept that most of the time. Not sure why.

many people arent completely above that kind of behavior: showing an ex how much "happier/better off" they are.

Fair point.

it validates her perspective of herself as the victim, you as a persecutor, and evokes a reaction from you, which keeps an attachment in place, which is the goal

That makes sense, thanks. From my perspective, it feels as though she wants me to react certain ways to justify her actions. For instance, after telling her I don't want to talk to her, and her continuing to do so, I told her I had to block her. From there, she told me that I'll never talk to my exstepson again and that I never liked him anyway (totally not true). Then she told me that I abandoned her and him.
In reality, I love my exSS, and I didn't abandon them... .I had no choice but to leave, as she lost all interest in me, started pursuing the other man and I found out about her big lies. She knew that I still wanted to be in her son's life and see him multiple times a week. But, believing that I abandoned her justifies her dating the new guy, moving in with him and taking away my visitation to her son, so that she can have her bf be his father figure (I assume?).

Other things she has done that are upsetting... .Up until a month or so after our separation, when she was clearly already dating the other man, she wore her wedding ring when she saw me to mess with my head. She also told me she got her nipples pierced (which obviously alludes to her having sex with other people, making sure I knew), contacting me to talk about things unrelated to her son (which I told her was the only thing I was willing to talk about), telling me how awful I was, continuity using her son as leverage to get what she wanted (making sure I stay in contact with her). Oh yeah, a few weeks after the separation, she tried to withdraw all the money I had in my personal bank account (which would have majorly screwed me over, had the bank not caught the fraud). And recently, she has been giving too much information that she knows will hurt me, and quite frankly I don't understand why she feels the need.

For instance, what gain is there in telling me that she never truly loved me? I still can't get over that. Even if it's true... .we clearly didn't work together, but to make me think of all the times we spent together as her barely hanging on, leading me on and using me... .yuck.

Anyway, for the most part I have been trying not to engage, but last week when she said that one, that's when I got pretty emotional. It did upset me and I brought it up a fair amount, since I was so surprised and hurt by it. And when she told me about being happier than she's ever been, that's when I told her I had to be in strict NC with her and blocked all her email.

[once removed]

i can certainly see why it feels like this behavior is designed to hurt you. some of it may be. most arent above that on some level, either.

I keep going back and forth between thinking she was a monster and then the opposite, that maybe she was okay and that I was not great and didn't deserve her. As all you pros say on here, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but it's hard to accept that most of the time. Not sure why.

the vast majority of this process is hard to accept most of the time. it gets easier with time, distance, and knowledge. my ex had her good and great qualities, but she was abusive, and i was pretty miserable a lot of the time. thats as true today as it was when we broke up, yet i craved her and pined for her. there are biological reasons for this complex kind of grief, and this response to trauma.  
The Biology and Neuroscience of Breaking Up. can you elaborate on feeling that you didnt deserve her?

But, believing that I abandoned her justifies her dating the new guy, moving in with him and taking away my visitation to her son, so that she can have her bf be his father figure (I assume?).

yes, thats right, though remember her need to feel attached to another is paramount. its probably not all vengeful, but a maladaptive way of coping and survival. it may justify her actions though. people with BPD have issues with object constancy: seeing a person as an integrated whole. a simpler way of putting that is that you are seen very much in the moment. couple that with splitting, seeing you as either all good or all bad.

and another way to look at her response to you blocking her is just overreacting out of hurt, upping the ante, escalating drama. my ex broke up with me, although i wasnt clear whether or not it was "official" as she couldnt seem to answer when pressed. i waited a few days. i signaled i accepted the breakup by merely removing my relationship status on facebook all together. she responded by deliberately, publicly drawing the new guy out and flirting with him, and she painted me very black. she perceived that i abandoned her. doesnt make much sense

people with BPD very much struggle with boundaries, although they are imperative. you can tell her you dont want to talk to her/about her. that doesnt mean she will comply. not to monday morning quarterback, but blocking her gave her a reaction, which she then reacted to. how might it have gone (no guarantees) for example, if you had approached communication differently, not responding to the personal stuff, being boring, keeping it BIFF (brief informative friendly firm)? if shes getting nothing from those interactions, consistently, she may be more likely to direct that attention and need for it elsewhere.

its sad when people use children as leverage. unfortunately, her son is what keeps/kept the two of you attached. keeping that attachment in place is paramount.

as for the wedding ring and nipple piercings: unknown to us, our exes experienced these relationships and breakups very differently than we did. there was probably a great deal going on in her head that you werent privy to. she may have sensed that you were detaching (abandonment). in the months leading to my breakup, i remember several, what seem in retrospect like slight confessions of sorts. i didnt make much of it at the time. for example, she told me a pretty outrageous story about how she was nearly raped. she told me how shed hung out with a guy i introduced myself to at a party a year before (who she would go on to replace me with). in retrospect, all of these little hints and details had to do with the waxing and waning of my attention and attachment. they were reactions to things in her head, and the pain she was experiencing. at the risk of projecting my experience onto yours, i suspect thats what was going on. all little cries for attention. all a way of saying "dont leave me".

my ex stole from me too. fortunately the fraud was detected as well, and the amount was only about sixty dollars. its really devastating to be on the receiving end of  . no doubt, one of our biggest struggles is with our partners impulsivity. that goes for the heartfelt words in the honeymoon stage, the confusing actions during our relationship, and so much of the behavior that hurts us in between. it all seems so hard to reconcile.

For instance, what gain is there in telling me that she never truly loved me?

look at it this way: there is a substantial amount of gain in telling herself that.

[myself]

that's when I told her I had to be in strict NC with her and blocked all her email.

How's this been going for you?