WilliamsKevin,
I wasn't going to post any-more, but yours called out to me. Please use what you can and throw out the rest.
If I might give a slightly different perspective on this, unconditional love is a beautiful thing. Giving love and receiving love is what truly makes marriages work, the key to them, friendships lasting, and well what makes the world not a cold place.
Having said that I know that when you are dealing with someone with BPD, it is important to be true to yourself, self respect and self love as well.
I have been humbled and honoured to have many girlfriends from all walks of life, different spiritual backgrounds, and well they are all so beautiful and unique.
Right now there is many mommy wars going on, work, don't work, it is of no matter to me, I just want all my GF's happy in life and their marriages. None of my business. So lets just say when women talk, get together, in some forums or blogs, there is much discussion on freedom for women, pressure from many different aspects of life.
My friends don't really pressure people nor do I, but doesn't mean society, different groups don't.
I have one friend bless her heart, that doesn't live close by but we have so much in common. When she goes to groups with other women she feels so left out, as she is a stay at home ( cooks, bakes etc) , she is made fun of. Sad really.
To me women who stay home, if really work the house, the budget and take care of things, save money. Should be so blessed and appreciated indeed ( might be biased... .hehe as I have had to do all that while working etc).
I think those who work should be blessed and appreciated indeed. Sometimes with modern stress many couples don't realize with budgeting, cooking from scratch, investing, and saving they might do better with one at home. All the expenses of working, taking out might not equal out.
I am pointing this out, as these are things that might be being discussed or important in your wife’s circle. Many discuss men being head of home, and how wonderful ( if a good man). Many discuss that is not good, as you give up your say as woman ( as they might not understand some concept behind it).
Now I am prefacing as it seems you want to take a course to be a better husband and father. Which is admirable and your choice, and wonderful to do. The whole point is to be better, learn but also for your wife. If she is not comfortable with who is teaching or why you are going... .well defeats the purpose.
I am not saying don't go, or she is right, nor will I say she is wrong. Here is why my sbtxUNBPD doesn't research well, ( example got a speeding ticket, said no worries and didn't follow up or through what he had to do... .why? Well because he researched for such and such a state... .he doesn't live in that state but was first result in google). I am a researcher, always have been, and deep to the point I want to see who is sponsoring the opinion. As facts can be dependent on who did the study, paid for it, etc... .
I am not saying your didn't research but maybe take to heart her concerns. Ask here where she found the research? Why does she feel that way? She might be fearful!
Yes FEAR can be False Evidence Appearing Real. Or she might be irrational. If so then make the choice like you are and go ahead.
If not you might learn something she or someone found. Even better find some classes for her betterment and give as a gift. Say is there a hobby she wants to learn ( then she will focus on positive), is there a mindfulness class she wants to do, how about a fun marriage retreat you both feel comfortable with. Trial through Fire is wonderful.
If she feels you are punishing her for speaking out, by being cold or not hugging. I admire she spoke out about it. Better then silent rage, or worse silent treatment. Open communication is a good thing.
Whether you feel you did that or not, she did. You can't win every battle but you can win the war. Cuddle, talk it out, and see her perspective on the fact she did give an example. With the kids even if you don't like you still are there and hug. That is her love language BPD aside. She gave you a GIFT. Take it or leave it. Many women only open their heart to a love language request once in awhile. Then they give up.
There is so many different personalities and, love languages PD's aside. See what love language you both have. That is the key and so helpful.
BPD or not women are more emotional based, ( that is not bad) that is why God had them be the mothers. More feeling, compassion.
Take the Gift, and bless it back. Take to heart her request. Then you will always have an open communication that doesn't stop at the bedroom door. Sorry if this is too forward.
Have her help you if she likes researching and make her being a part of a marriage retreat, finding a class for you, or you both. Make it fun, that you go to dinner after your class to discuss. Say you would like to talk to her without the kids to get her opinion of what you learned. Try to make her feel she is part or her idea.
If all else fails do your hobbies, your important goals, your time, and your classes for you. You can't stop living for someone else. In the end though a marriage class should not be the war, or even battle it should be a gift you both feel happy with.
Blessings
