what now?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I left him (and he agreed shouting) three days ago. I am abroad working like crazy. Thank God. I am just confused. Is he suffering, just a tiny bit, or am I already "disappeared"? No contact. I blocked him and his female "friends" (once one of them contacted me to make us reconcile) from anywhere. He did not try to contact me. Yes I wish he would but I perfectly know that if he does not is a gift. Does he feel a little of pain or he is already partying? Because there are many different opinions here. Probably he thinks he dumped me, as I stood for myself for once and he reacted like crazy-as usual. Is he already with someone else?

Help me to go tgrough this day of pain . Help me to heal

[UnforgivenII]

I left him (and he agreed shouting) three days ago. I am abroad working like crazy. Thank God. I am just confused. Is he suffering, just a tiny bit, or am I already "disappeared"? No contact. I blocked him and his female "friends" (once one of them contacted me to make us reconcile) from anywhere. He did not try to contact me. Yes I wish he would but I perfectly know that if he does not is a gift. Does he feel a little of pain or he is already partying? Because there are many different opinions here. Probably he thinks he dumped me, as I stood for myself for once and he reacted like crazy-as usual. Is he already with someone else?

Help me to go tgrough this day of pain . Help me to heal

[TheSinister]

Heythere
Those questions that you raised are very familiar to me and to many people on this forum, they are typical not only for people who broke up with BPD people but to regular r/s  guess and the answer is that it doesnt really matter, you can never know whats goes on on the other side and really need to stop thinking what he is doing coz it will only make you feel worse, most of us spend most of our time trying to figur out what the other side is doing or who they are seeing, the focus now have to be on yourself, just imagin he passed away, you cant talk to him, he is not there anymore,

Your thoughts about him will lead you to break NC and things will only get worse, good luck!

[UnforgivenII]

No. I will never break no contact. But the pain is excruciating. As it is remembering his cruelty over a clear excuse. How can I forgive myself. How can I gain bavk my dignity

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Unforgiven-

I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and confusing.

Think abandonment with borderlines, and you left him, so in his head you abandoned him, the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, and he's responding to that using the psychological tools he's been using forever.

You mention the pain is excruciating.  It is and I'm sorry, but it gets better.  And multiply the pain several times and that's what a borderline would feel if they'd been abandoned and didn't have their tools in place, since they lack the ability to effectively soothe their own emotions, and it's like they're turned up to 11 all the time.

One way for a borderline to deal with the pain is act impulsively, get drunk, go have some tryst with a hanger-on or a recent conquest, drive really fast, whatever, all done to soothe and avoid emotions.  Another tack is to completely change reality, cognitive distortion, so now he left you and you're the scumbag, in his head, and it's so effective that he actually believes that, he has to, it would hurt too much otherwise.

So you're here talking to us, processing your pain, feeling your emotions, focusing on self-awareness, which is the right way, the healthy way, and he's off doing what he's doing, and if he exhibits traits of the disorder it's not what you're doing, it's dysfunctional per usual.

Your questions are valid, and in the quiet times when he's by himself, the memory of you, and you leaving will creep into his consciousness, it will feel very bad, and so time for the tools again, whatever it takes to not feel that.  BPD is a mental illness, and you and I don't want that, what we're doing here is much healthier.

Start to talk about forgiving yourself and gaining back the dignity you think you lost, that will help shift the focus from him to you, which is part of detachment.  Take care of you!

[heartandwhole]

No. I will never break no contact. But the pain is excruciating. As it is remembering his cruelty over a clear excuse. How can I forgive myself. How can I gain bavk my dignity

Unforgiven, I feel for you.   I can relate very much to your feelings, and although the general wisdom is to stop focusing on our partners and shift our attention to ourselves (which is very true and excellent advice), it is definitely easier said than done, especially when the breakup is so fresh.

Be gentle with yourself. Feel your feelings without attaching them to a story, if you can. Just feel the sensations in your body. Is there a lump in your stomach, for example? A heat in the chest? I've heard that a pure emotion lasts on average 1.5  minutes. It is the thoughts that we attach to the feelings that prolong their stay... .

What do you feel you need to forgive yourself for? How have you lost your dignity? You are human and are doing the best you can, right?   Tell us more. We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[UnforgivenII]

I do thank all of you. All I have is this forum. My friends do not get the point. I am abroad working. My son is on holiday with friends. I feel alone and lost. I cannot forgive myself because I did not want him. I sensed something strange. I said no for many months. Then annold friend of mine died and I let him creep in. I was perfectly fine alone. I should have trusted myself. And I feel I lost my dignity because I expressed my deep feelings to him, when he was already hating me. I have been scolded like a baby on RELATIONSHIPS, oh my God, I am very respected in my job my students adore me and so my colleagues and the parents, I am in good terms with my ex husband and have plenty of friends. What on earth could he teach me on relationships? A man who is unable to accept the slightest critic? Sorry for the mistakes, I am Italian. And here I am. I do not know what I am missing. He was actually an unpleasant person, a terrible lover and a rude person. It is strange, when one of my best students saw me with him she told me she could not believe it (he was a colleague. Now he is unemplyed) "the devil and the holy water" she told me. I have lost my peace for this useless man. How can I forgive myself. My son heard him when he broke his mobile on the floor shouting. It was 3 o'clock in the morning. When he jumped out of my car while I was driving I could have a bad accident. My son repeats me "It is not your fault". So why am I wishing he calls? I must be madder than him! Why am I so desperate? Why? I used to love his voice. But even when we laughed for a joke he told with his deep voice, you could feel there was something strange. Please help me. I am suffering so much

[fromheeltoheal]

I cannot forgive myself because I did not want him... .

How can I forgive myself... .

You can forgive yourself by deciding that everything happens for a reason and it serves us, that things don't happen to us, they happen for us.  And you can decide to take the lessons from the relationship and apply them to your life, integrate them, so you never ignore things that you sensed were strange again, yes, but also grow beyond that on your personal journey.

Otherwise it's useless pain, it's wasted pain.

And you can cut yourself some slack, an American expression that means don't be as hard on yourself, because someone who absolutely must attach to someone to feel whole, to feel like they exist, and is therefore very good at it, and persistent, caught you at a time where you were vulnerable, when your friend died.  And you probably didn't know anything about personality disorders or mental illness.

And it's common to have that conflict, where your head wants nothing to do with him, but your heart wants him to call.  That has nothing to do with him, it's the way borderlines attach and get in deep, and digging for what he has triggered in you is more benefit, more growth.  It's a great journey, and you can start by using the pain as motivation; our best days are ahead of us.  Take care of you!