Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
October 12, 2024, 04:14:29 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement) (Read 652 times)
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
on:
July 17, 2016, 06:57:37 PM »
We were having a discussion about one of our daughters. The surrounding story really doesn't matter.
For some reason, today was a big day for my wife to "know" what other people were thinking and to "fight for that".
For instance, earlier today at lunch D10 looks at S15, who had been bothering her by making a face or something and says "I know that you think my face is disgusting... .so please quit it... "
In big scheme of things... .big brother was goading her... and won. I decided to do a gentle lesson on this. I said to D10 that she needed to apologize for claiming to know what someone was thinking. Before I could finish speaking, my wife jumps in and claims that people can know and then pressed S15 really hard to "admit" that he was thinking that her face is disgusting. He finally "admitted" it under intense pressure.
I decided to not make a big issue right then and perhaps bring it up later. So, we got to discussing D19 and out of nowhere she starts making statements about my feelings and feelings about my financial experience growing up. I raised my hand to get her attention... and she kinda "doubled down" on her intensity.
I got up and walked away, saying I would like to hold a "conference table" in 30 minutes. About an hour later, she finally got ready for it.
Cue about 5 minutes of discussion followed by me walking out as she claimed that "You don't know what poverty is like... " was ONLY her opinion about what I know and that it was not a "statement" about what I "knew".
She would flop around and holler in room by herself and then ask me to come back to discuss. Which I would happily do.
She would then say "If you would only say it this way... .there wouldn't be a problem" Basically alleging that "my response" was the issue, not what she said.
I stayed calm and said "no... that doesn't work for me". "If you want to describe your thoughts and experiences I am interested in listening, but I will not listen to your "opinions" about my thoughts and experiences". Cue her rising voice... .I would raise hand (conference table signal to hush) and her voice would get louder. I would walk out.
Repeat several times.
She finally said... ."
(ff name) when you tell me I am telling you your feelings, when I am not doing that, it makes me want to fight you)
To which I said "I agree... .I think you have it. Can you take that feeling that you just described to me, and think that I might feel the same way. Because that is exactly how I would describe my feelings, when I hear incorrect statements about my thoughts and emotions. I want to fight people off... "
Long silence. ff wife: "but I wasn't doing that... ."
She finally apologized and said she would try to do better. I put together some biblical references that I believe support my actions and will discuss tomorrow in MC.
FF
Logged
C.Stein
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360
Re: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
Reply #1 on:
July 18, 2016, 07:31:40 AM »
Quote from: formflier on July 17, 2016, 06:57:37 PM
Cue her rising voice... .I would raise hand (conference table signal to hush) and her voice would get louder.
Do you think this is the best approach here? Seems invalidating to me, as if you are telling her without actually saying it that you don't want to hear what she is saying, which may be true or not. Point is, her reaction to this
hand hush
leads to escalating anger might suggest she feels it invalidating.
Is there a better way to handle this?
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
Reply #2 on:
July 18, 2016, 07:52:20 AM »
I am sure there is.
However, this is the approach that the biblical marriage counselor wants us to use. My wife is insistent that we follow his guidance. The specific guidance of the "biblical conference table" is to raise a hand if a pause is needed. There is a big overtalk problem in our r/s, hopefully this will help us solve that.
I will do my best to follow that guidance and model the behaviors he is teaching. If that invalidates my wife... .that is really her choice... not mine.
It will be interesting to see if my wife wishes to discuss this today. The latest update on this is that she is saying I was right and she was wrong to try to do what she did.
FF
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5756
Re: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
Reply #3 on:
July 18, 2016, 11:37:39 AM »
But regardless of whether she is now saying she was wrong to handle it the way she did, the fact that you recognize that overtalking is a big problem (which contributed to this latest situation) and that the issue of her naming your emotions and motivations is ongoing -- means it might be really good to use this to talk through in terms of how better to handle in future.
Logged
"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
Reply #4 on:
July 18, 2016, 11:48:44 AM »
Exactly!
My job is to stay calm and continue to name and point to the behavior that is hurtful. Use boundary enforcement if needed to protect myself.
Either my wife will tire of using those behaviors... .or she will not.
I'm comfortable that I can use boundaries to protect myself as needed.
FF
Logged
byfaith
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 568
Re: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
Reply #5 on:
July 18, 2016, 12:46:26 PM »
Hey FF,
The Indian talking stick
Have you ever heard of or used this communication method? We did it once in MC but have not used it at home yet
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUxi-Zc45tA
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
«
Reply #6 on:
July 18, 2016, 01:11:26 PM »
We have tried versions of this... .I tend to love it... .my wife HATES it. Every once in a while she will say she likes it.
Anyway... .the nuance here is not that the listener can't talk... .but that the only thing the listener can do is reflect or restate the position of the talker, until the talker says... "I've made my point and I believe you understand my point... "
We have done something close to this but it feel apart at the stage where I was suppose to reflect back to my wife what she had said. After 30 minutes of her stating her position (and slightly changing it each time)... .and me trying to reflect it... .she said it was hopeless and gave up.
She later apologized and said she was being mean to me and purposefully not telling me I had it right.
I'll keep this in mind... .I really do like it.
FF
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
You don't know what poverty is like... (and my boundary enforcement)
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...