In some ways, I have become habituated to letting go of things as soon as they happen. It's like I'm wearing a raincoat that's been coated with rainX. I get hit with mud and rain and it all slides off or is blown away by the wind.
If you asked me what is the quality of my relationship; the overall health, I'd tell you that I've found myself a partner for life. That I feel safe and comforted by my relationship and that it improves my well-being.
And I wouldn't be lying. Because at this point, it's all that I pretty much see or remember.
A friend sent me an email she got from a fairly recent love interest, who is the son of a dxBPDmom. It had all the jarring red flags. Expressions of devotion. Idealization. Promises of never being apart. Being too deep in the relationship to abandon the friend. And horrible angry abusive words about the friend even doubting their future for a moment and expressing those concerns and an invalidating request to never speak those feelings again.
And it was like reading an old text or email from my BPDbf. And I messaged him at that moment.
"You used to be mean. Things weren't always this great."
His response?
"You've changed a lot of how you act and you make it easier not to be mean. And it's also realizing that a lot of my anger is not even related to you and so there is no point of taking it out on you."
I have changed. I say no a lot more than I used to. Some of my boundaries are far more rigid. Others more flexible. I don't dread driving to see my boyfriend anymore. And most importantly, we've both created a safe loving baseline for each other to return to. No matter how intense a fight is, we return to that baseline. It's anchored by pet names and a certain dialogue that reminds both of us that we are on the same team. It's like reassurance that at the end of the day, we have each other and neither of us is leaving. It brings him back from his numbness. It calms down my own distress.
More than anything, we focus on the happy moments. I regularly remind him of the wonderful and loving things he does for me and when he asks me if I still care about him I remind him of the ones I do for him. And there are hundreds of these moments every week. That's the place where our relationship thrives.
But the same triggers are still at play. When either of us is tired or depressed, in my case, the stability breaks down. It's still a constant work in progress and sometimes I have a hard time getting out my head and that deer in headlights emotional flashback. Mix in him getting dysregulated at that moment and it again escalates to epic proportions.
Take last night. I accidentally turned a flashlight on while he was driving. And he got angry. And instead of admitting to the wrong and validating his anger, I started JADE-ing. I was annoyed. I wanted him to move on without me putting in the effort. And we got 10 minutes of him berating me followed by pretty much expressing exactly what he needed from me in terms of validation, but me not being willing to give it. It's a special circumstance. And I was annoyed and so I let that dictate the dialogue, making things worse. Next time, I will do better. I was responsible for 50% of the situation and I did badly with my 50%.
Also, his roommate is causing him stress. They act like they are sane and well-adjusted, but when push comes to shove they revert to a lot of really passive aggressive actions and frankly make him feel unwelcome in the shared kitchen and living room. They once texted me complaining that he forgot to take out the garbage that week. Leaving in the morning to go to his car, I let the front door go too quickly and the momentum meant that it slammed behind me. This caused him incredible stress because he already feels like he has to walk on eggshells.
He was angry with me. Asking me repeatedly why I was so careless. That now he was going to have her slam doors every time that she leaves the house in retaliation. This dysregulation was too much for my very fragile, sleep-deprived state and I got upset. Started tearing up. Felt like my chest was tightening up. This got him more upset because I was 'miserable' now and what a cra-ppy morning. Eventually, I resorted to some DBT skills I've picked up and held a frozen can in my hand until it started hurting enough to get me out of my own emotional frenzy. Then I could be back to normal.
And yeah, it sucked. But what sucks more is that he's in the situation where he gets that much grief from his roommate that he then takes it out on me.
So yeah. Two really incredibly difficult situations in one day. And leaving without resolving them is far more damaging to me than if I stay and weather the storm, somehow. Still got that codependency rearing its ugly head.
Sometimes I sit there and think: This is the life I'm choosing? I'm still not ready. Things could be so much easier with a non-BPD. But would they be as enjoyable and passionate? Would they be as motivating and supportive. Would they understand where I'm coming from when I just have a shi-tty day?