No contact-setting boundaries takes a lot of courage

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I recently had a major, angry discussion with my BPD mom where basically all of my resentment and anger came out and I said I need more space, less contact.  She is a waif/dependent/- yet NPD type, so there were a few weeks of repeated "how could you do this to me emails."  Anyway, she finally stopped but I had to email her today to be clear about what our future contact would look like.  In short:  limited.  And since she has used me my whole life to fill her never ending needs, I know she will continue to react poorly.

Here are the things I wanted to put out there because they are on my mind and might help others.
-no contact is very hard to start, maintain, and I admire the courage of those who are living that life. 
-having toxic, abusive, and pathological parents is tremendously sad and so far has impacted every aspect of my life.
-emotional abuse/emotional incest is a devastating pattern for children and adult children. 
-it is very hard to hold on to the knowledge that I am not at fault, she is not my responsibility, and I truly could be free of her abusive ways.

This website has been so helpful over the years.
Peace!

[Finding Courage]

I recently had a major, angry discussion with my BPD mom where basically all of my resentment and anger came out and I said I need more space, less contact.  She is a waif/dependent/- yet NPD type, so there were a few weeks of repeated "how could you do this to me emails."  Anyway, she finally stopped but I had to email her today to be clear about what our future contact would look like.  In short:  limited.  And since she has used me my whole life to fill her never ending needs, I know she will continue to react poorly.

Here are the things I wanted to put out there because they are on my mind and might help others.
-no contact is very hard to start, maintain, and I admire the courage of those who are living that life. 
-having toxic, abusive, and pathological parents is tremendously sad and so far has impacted every aspect of my life.
-emotional abuse/emotional incest is a devastating pattern for children and adult children. 
-it is very hard to hold on to the knowledge that I am not at fault, she is not my responsibility, and I truly could be free of her abusive ways.

This website has been so helpful over the years.
Peace!

[isilme]

Hello,

As someone who's been NC with both parents for many years, I can say I know it took a lot to get here. 

People will try to get you to "forgive and forget" and "be the bigger person" once they learn of your NC status, especially at the holidays.  It's up to you how to respond, and it may take some time to get to a place where you feel mostly okay (I am still struggling at times when it comes to my mom.  Dad can go jump in a lake and it would not phase me - he was a different kind of abusive.  Mom was reactionary, and while I think she knew she was being manipulative, she was kinda low functioning, and now you can see it.  Dad was cunning, and planned out what he was doing, and was far more of a sociopath).

It is a new journey, and while it's not easy to be an 'orphan' of living parents, it can be necessary, and I tell myself if I had been treated like my parents did by a spouse, no one would bat an eye at going NC.  Family should not get a pass to be abusive just because they call themselves family.

After a while away from regular abuse and influence, your own feelings will become more clear and easier to hold on to and respect. 

I hope you are able to take time to take care of you, and just because you are NC right now, it does not mean it needs to be forever.  If you re-evaluate it over time, and/or it's respected as a boundary, you can see how you feel about increased contact.  For me, the idea gives me panic attacks, and even unblocking mom on facebook of all things was a big deal.  If NC is seen as needed forever, then it is. 

Sorry you had to come to this decision, but it will hopefully help you over time.

[Finding Courage]

Thanks for the reply. 
Slowly taking control of my life, for me, for my daughter.  It is a huge loss for both of us, but one that ultimately isn't my fault.
It is either me or her, and I just can't do it anymore despite my guilt, sadness, anxiety.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY FINDING COURAGE:     

Sorry about the need to go NC or very LC with your mother.  I'm NC with my sister right now.  It can be tough, but a sanity move when the disordered person won't get help or even acknowledge they have a problem that they need to work on.

Has your mom ever had any therapy or treatment?  It can still be tough to deal with, if they get some therapy/treatment, but at least that would indicate some effort.

Like isilme said, you can always decide to resume contact or change the level of contact at a later time.

Take care of yourself and your daughter 

[HappyChappy]

It is either me or her, and I just can't do it anymore despite my guilt, sadness, anxiety.

Hi Finding Courage,

So sorry to hear about your struggle with NC.  But your right to say it’s not your fault, if only they would stop being abusive, or even apologies for it – but they won’t.  You’re also right to look after your own health because our BPD won’t. My BPD is so enabled (and feared) that she still won’t apologies for quiet audacious behaviour, when we last met she broke the law on two counts, but this was apparently my young son’s fault !

But you’re right to look after yourself, that’s something we were encourage not to do. NC or LC aren't for everyone, but worked a treat for me. My T tells me CBT doesn't work if you're overly agitate, so the only way to achieve that was NC. The guilt you talk about, trickles away over time. Keep looking after yourself.