After the break up. What we're doing & what they do

[FallBack!Monster]

This is an interesting topic for me.  I think it might help us the nons, to realize the damage we're doing to ourselves while they are not even considering or feelings.

We get on forums like this one and complain about what they did and still doing to us.
We look up information in hopes that all the other sites are wrong about our exBPD partner.

We think about them and what they're doing atm and with whom

We hope to find someone new fast so that we don't have to think about hem or mess up and go back with him or her.

This a short list. will add more later... .
They have already found someone to do the same thing to

They are NOT thinking about us in the same manner we're thinking about them.

They do not miss us at all

They are not calling us.

They do not (at least mine) try to get help

Don't care how we feel

In their second short term fling within weeks

Don't care to hear from us

Don't care about us or saving anything that has to do with the non

short list.  will add more later...


maybe someone else wants to add for now

[once removed]

I think it might help us the nons, to realize the damage we're doing to ourselves while they are not even considering or feelings.

i dont know if we want to compare ourselves in these terms  . both parties typically grieve very differently. grieve being the key word and the how being the difference.

most of your list does focus on our tendency to focus on our partner as opposed to ourselves, which i think in response to the complicated, often sudden endings, processing extreme highs and lows of the relationships, is understandable. beginning to turn the focus on ourselves is a good idea. denying our grief, jumping into a relationship, using the maladaptive coping mechanisms of our exes, or judging our progress based on our perception of anyone else, probably not.

[pgri8684]

I agree with you FallBack!Monster: this list might help us

If they find a new supply, they do not miss us at all and they don't care how we feel. What happens for me is that she occasionally test my availability by texting "Can you write this letter for me" "How to update this software" ":)o you remember this phone number"
It doesn't matter because I know she is just testing me. I do not miss her. Perhaps it is better for me because I know she is as toxic as seductive.

Take care of yourself

[Meili]

Sure, we can look at things that way after the breakup, or we can choose something different.

For instance, I chose to accept that I have no real way of knowing what my x is doing. I have no control over it even if I did know. So, instead of wasting that time and energy, I focused on me.

By focusing on me, I wasn't pining over her. She may or may not have been thinking about me, that'll I'll never know. What I do know is that I was thinking about me, and that's what counts.

We can also look at their surface actions. So, they may have a replacement, they may not contact us in any meaningful way, they may not do any of the things that we wish that they were doing. But, just looking at those things does not actually tell us what is going on inside. As OR pointed out, they are grieving in the way that they grieve. It's their life and their choice. We do not know their hurts inside. We also do not know their fears. We don't know what is actually driving their behavior. We are not in a position to judge them as a result.

Why waste the time and energy on something that we'll never know?

[Mutt]

I'm grateful that this forum exists because no one in real life could empathize with me and I was often misunderstood when I was trying to explain things to loved ones. The lowest point in my life was when my ex wife left, I felt like taking my own life but I have three kids and I couldn't do that to them, I needed to bounce back. I turned to the internet and lurked on this forum for about a week, reading through many posts and I could see similarities with the experience that I had gone through. A pwBPD may abruptly leave a r/s and you may not hear from them or you may be hearing from them often.

I went through a traumatic event and I can understand why we think about our ex partners, we may ruminate, look for closure, want to be heard, these are some reasons that come to mind. I couldn't turn to anyone for support because the advise that I was given suited relationships were both partners are non-disordered. Personality disorders are very niche in psych fields, loved ones meant well but these relationships are complicated.

Every pwBPD are different people and have different personalities, BPD is a spectrum disorder, different traits along a continumm. That said, all of our ex partners are different and our experiences are unique to us with similarities. I think that we have to be careful with using broad brush strokes. I'm interested to see the completed list. FallBack!Monster.

[FallBack!Monster]

I apologize if I gave the impression that we should focus on them, at all.  I was merely pointing out what people like us (nons), did when we were wondering about our ex.  We started to educate ourselves, to better understand what the r/s.  Not only to understand and judge them less but mostly to help ourself in the process. 

The whole world can tell a person to move on, and leave the garbage behind. Easier said than done.  I had to find answers, same as many others who found themselves in the same predicament.

The comparison is this, if they do any research on how get along better with normal people, I would think it is only for malicious reasons. 

One more point I will like to make, I can care less what is going on inside of someone who has hurt me intensionally and with out cause.  BPD or not.  It is said the manipulation is unintentional, but I can care less.  Especially when you're an adult and you've done this for years.  She has to know how its going to end. Still, she keeps doing it and lying about her condition.

We seek to understand. So we spend (waste) time thinking about the good and bad times, initial red flags, and how sudden everything went down hill.

That being said, I had a friend in the past who suffers from BiPD (and some other stuff), when we started getting close she was honest about her condition.  When things were falling apart around her, she would say that things are going on at home and she's not sure but she feels it might be her fault, but she wasn't sure.  I'm not sure what her life is like now, but she admitted to her then boyfriend that she cheated on him, and b/c he knew about her condition, they saw a therapist together and that woman would beat herself up trying not to act on her impulses.  I respect that.  She would call her best friend or any family member that had not abandon her, to stay close so that she wouldn't do things that she could later regret.  At least she knew that she could be culpable.  To me, that says a lot. It is taking responsibility and then saying, but i'm not doing it on purpose.

Don't tell me a high functioning banker who makes over $80,000 cannot do something similar.  She doesn't want to learn.  That's why I can care less what she's going through inside.  She didn't care what I was going through.  Why should I wonder about her?  Caring about her is how I ended up here.

My initial point came from reading all the post here and in other sites.  We waste our time thinking about them.  If and when they'll come back.  Is he/she going to call.  Is she alright? is she depress right now? Should I go see him/her? shoulda coulda woulda.  They are not doing any of that.  They are on the next mission.  That's the point I attempted to make.  I guess we all process things differently.

[Wize]

I don't give a rat's ahole what my ex is doing.

[Mutt]

Hi FallBack!Monster,

I think that you bring up a good point that your friend with BiP is different than your ex. They both suffer from mental illness, it sounds like your friend with BiP is self aware but your ex lacks self awareness.