Finishing the unfinished story

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I fell off the Facebook bandwagon tonight and checked my ex's page and my replacement's page. I'm not too sure why, as I haven't looked in months and I haven't been feeling upset lately. I think it's probably because I've been toying a lot with the idea of returning to their country, which would be a big step for me, as the last time I was there (for a short visit) the grief and the memories were too much for me to cope with.

I'm not friends with them but they have quite a lot of public stuff, and it seems that they've broken up. I'm 99% sure of it. She is searching for flatmates to share her new apartment (she used to live with him) and they have both been posting sad and grieving romantic songs. He often used to post songs as a way to communicate with me. Sometimes I would feel sick with anxiety, because if there was an angry or a depressed song then I knew a rage was coming. I didn't dare to approach him about it directly, so I'd try to head it off at the pass by posting songs that I thought might comfort him or redirect his focus. It looks like they were having a similar musical dialogue.

I'm not sure how it makes me feel. I stopped bothering about whether his relationship with her would succeed or not some time ago, so this news hasn't made me happy as such. I also wasn't made anxious by seeing the similarity in the pattern with the songs, which is big for me. My mental reaction was more practical than emotional. I started thinking how - and if - I can use this info to help me with my next goal, to be able to travel freely in that country and reestablish good memories there. Right now it feels like it's owned by my ex and the shattering sadness that broke me in my final four months of living there. This new knowledge might help me alter that.

One possibility is to just lay it to one side and let it go, as something that is not related to me. I think that would be a powerful choice in itself. Another possibility is to contact my replacement and request to meet her when I go back there. As I've explained in other threads, my ex lied to her about my relationship with him, and one of the most devastating aspects of the cheating/discard for me was how this made me feel invisible. Like my feelings did not matter at all. They just weren't there to him. Her not knowing what went on contributed to the invisible feeling. I no longer feel that way, but I do feel that this is an unfinished story, and I am wondering if sitting down with her face to face might be a way to finish it.

Right now I'm inclining towards not doing anything. I got this far without taking closure from either of them, so maybe I can get further. Reaching out to her also involves a lot of unknown variables (speaking to me might be a comfort to her, but it might also hurt her, and it could lead to furious contact from my ex if he gets to hear of it) whereas continuing to trek on by myself means that I retain more control and power over the situation. I can't be sure if it's the best decision, though, and I wanted to see what other people here might do.

[balletomane]

I fell off the Facebook bandwagon tonight and checked my ex's page and my replacement's page. I'm not too sure why, as I haven't looked in months and I haven't been feeling upset lately. I think it's probably because I've been toying a lot with the idea of returning to their country, which would be a big step for me, as the last time I was there (for a short visit) the grief and the memories were too much for me to cope with.

I'm not friends with them but they have quite a lot of public stuff, and it seems that they've broken up. I'm 99% sure of it. She is searching for flatmates to share her new apartment (she used to live with him) and they have both been posting sad and grieving romantic songs. He often used to post songs as a way to communicate with me. Sometimes I would feel sick with anxiety, because if there was an angry or a depressed song then I knew a rage was coming. I didn't dare to approach him about it directly, so I'd try to head it off at the pass by posting songs that I thought might comfort him or redirect his focus. It looks like they were having a similar musical dialogue.

I'm not sure how it makes me feel. I stopped bothering about whether his relationship with her would succeed or not some time ago, so this news hasn't made me happy as such. I also wasn't made anxious by seeing the similarity in the pattern with the songs, which is big for me. My mental reaction was more practical than emotional. I started thinking how - and if - I can use this info to help me with my next goal, to be able to travel freely in that country and reestablish good memories there. Right now it feels like it's owned by my ex and the shattering sadness that broke me in my final four months of living there. This new knowledge might help me alter that.

One possibility is to just lay it to one side and let it go, as something that is not related to me. I think that would be a powerful choice in itself. Another possibility is to contact my replacement and request to meet her when I go back there. As I've explained in other threads, my ex lied to her about my relationship with him, and one of the most devastating aspects of the cheating/discard for me was how this made me feel invisible. Like my feelings did not matter at all. They just weren't there to him. Her not knowing what went on contributed to the invisible feeling. I no longer feel that way, but I do feel that this is an unfinished story, and I am wondering if sitting down with her face to face might be a way to finish it.

Right now I'm inclining towards not doing anything. I got this far without taking closure from either of them, so maybe I can get further. Reaching out to her also involves a lot of unknown variables (speaking to me might be a comfort to her, but it might also hurt her, and it could lead to furious contact from my ex if he gets to hear of it) whereas continuing to trek on by myself means that I retain more control and power over the situation. I can't be sure if it's the best decision, though, and I wanted to see what other people here might do.

[UnforgivenII]

Avoid Facebook like the plague

[UnforgivenII]

They cannot steal all our lives. I won't avoid peppers, or my neighbourhood or The Walking Dead, all packed with memories. I will attach other memories.

I am reading how to do no contact like a boss. It is helping me so much

[married21years]

They cannot steal all our lives. I won't avoid peppers, or my neighbourhood or The Walking Dead, all packed with memories. I will attach other memories.

I am reading how to do no contact like a boss. It is helping me so much

no contact is wonderful

they absolutely hate it! they will paint you black and there will be no chance of going back. you will see the true them in all their turmoil. and you will realise that you are better of without them

 

it is a long process and everyone progresses at their own rate

it is an individual journey for everyone.

[Hopeful83]

Hey balletomane,

The more I read your story the more I feel it's so similar to mine. How long has it been since you guys broke up now? I ask because my breakup occurred 12 months ago, and it's only over these last few months that I can really face up to perhaps moving back to the city and country my ex and I met in and lived together in. The best opportunities for me are in that city, and I was depriving myself of those opportunities all in the name of 'avoiding the pain and memories."

Once I was far enough along with my healing, I started to realise that my best chance of getting my life back on track was in that city. Initially I was worried that I would be setting myself back in my healing if I returned back there (up until a few months ago just seeing photos of that city triggered me - such was the emotional distress I was under). But because over the last few weeks i've turned a corner in my healing (I now really *feel* that I deserve so much more than what I was given, especially at the end) that I think to my ex and his replacement - good luck, you're going to need it! And I realise I want to move back for the right reasons, as I no longer want to go there to prove a point as I did at one stage. My move there has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my needs.

I am also fairly certain my ex and his family told the replacement a bunch of lies about me and our relationship, but I've decided I don't care. She's got her lessons to learn, and my healing didn't depend on me clearing the air with her. I would be inclined to advise you to make a decision on whether going back there is right for your needs, and if it is, go for it. Allow yourself to do all the healing that you need to do first, though. I now realise I did the right thing by staying away for 12 months because it would have been so much more difficult to be there back when I was in a mess, whereas now I'm so far along with my healing that I know I will be fine once I get back there. Perhaps you need a bit more time to process everything?

I honestly didn't think I'd reach the stage that I have reached, but I'm proof that you do start to genuinely feel better over time. And soon enough you won't care about what the ex/his now ex think.

And I got my closure without them. I am now objectively able to look at my ex's behaviour as atrocious, so I can move on. As for her, I'll never know the full extent of her involvement, but that's okay. The story is so crazy that I've had to accept that there are certain parts that will never ever make sense to me. But that's fine with me now - I have my own life to lead.

I hope this helps in some way - sorry that it's a bit jumbled but I'm on my way to the airport, but wanted to reply before I left!

[balletomane]

It's been fifteen months since he discarded me and just over a year since I went no contact, so you're right, our stories do seem to be following a similar trajectory. I was also triggered by photos from his city until recently - seeing a snap posted by someone on Facebook would cause my stomach to lurch, just because it was taken on a road that isn't far from him. Even the language was triggering for me, because he played such a big role in helping me to learn it. I went back for a two-week visit in January (I have other friends there who'd invited me) and by the end of the two weeks I was slipping backwards into grief and anxiety. Now the idea of going back doesn't worry me. I'm planning a visit for next Easter, maybe sooner.

I am also able to recognise that what my ex did was abusive and wrong. My main issue now is mainly about assertiveness, I think. I feel that he controlled how it ended, that I had no power at all, and my one assertive act was to crawl away instead of trying to maintain a humiliating 'friendship' that consisted of him not wanting to see me and only talking to me when he needed something. But even then, I tried to stay friends for six weeks after the discard. I only tottered off when I was psychologically broken and just couldn't cope any more, and I was in so much distress that I was barely coherent. It didn't feel like much of a choice. I think if I had refused to remain in touch when he gave me the news about my replacement, it would have felt more empowering, as though I was making an active choice instead of being pushed into an increasingly unbearable corner.

So what I'm really looking for is a way to feel stronger and to acknowledge that I've taken back my voice, I suppose. I would never collude in my own pain like that again. I don't take crap like that any more. I want to do something that will give this whole chapter of my life a kind of resolution, on my own terms.

Another possibility that I thought of this morning is turning my PhD thesis into a book. I was so devastated when it all happened that I doubted I would be able to complete the research. Only the knowledge that this would be very unfair to the children who had volunteered as participants and to my funding body pushed me on. Now the thesis is done, a big piece of work completed in a very turbulent time, and a publishing representative is interested. Maybe holding my own book and knowing that it's the product of a lot of strength will be enough for me to feel, "I did it, it's over."

I don't even know if I'm making sense to people now.   Can anyone relate to what I'm saying, this need to write an ending?

[VitaminC]

First of all, Congratulations on finishing a PhD AND getting a publisher interested! Even without the incredible turmoil of a relationship like this, it is a huge achievement. Huge, huge, huge. Look at the willpower and discipline that took, the ability to focus and produce when your mind and body must have been wracked with pain.

I've just a little while ago finished watching the fabulous Martha Nussbaum interview on "Of Beauty and Consolation" (YouTube) and been thinking the same thing about her. Both of you are inspiring me right now.

As for writing the ending, I would imagine many of us can understand. Is your question mainly about meeting the ex? What would you hope to "get" from a meeting with her? That would be the main question I would be asking myself in that situation, I think. And then I would think about how likely it is that I might get that and what are the other possible things I might get instead. And I'd think about how I might feel if I got something I didn't expect or want. If I would be strong enough to handle it.

There's such an strong drive to punctuate our life stories, isn't there? If someone else wrote too many chapters, or even paragraphs, it feels as if it's not our story. And we need to claim ownership of it somehow.    I am wondering how else that goal might be accomplished in your scenario that did not involve meeting a person you know nothing or very little about. 

I guess I am being cautious on your behalf because of the way you describe the ending. I understand you are much stronger and clearer now and may need to prove that to yourself.

[balletomane]

Thank you for the kind words. You are right about the need to feel in control of your own story - that's pretty much exactly what I'm experiencing here.

I haven't contacted her. When I was a teenager, one of my teachers sometimes used to say, "If in doubt, do nowt," when we wanted her advice on tricky situations. Those words have been coming back to me this week. I have lots of doubts and this probably isn't a good time to gamble with them. When I do go back to that country to visit, maybe I will still want to speak her, and if so I can write to her then. But there is little point in doing it now when the visit is still a way off, and I may not even feel a need to speak to her by the time it finally happens.

[heartandwhole]

Hi balletomane,

I'm with your teacher here. If you are not sure about what to do, do nothing. There is no rush, and feelings DO change. You have come so far, and I hope you are proud of your courage and achievements. Well done on finishing your PhD and getting through the loss of this relationship—that is an amazing accomplishment in my book!

heartandwhole

[balletomane]

Long story short, about three weeks ago I did contact my replacement (although I already no longer think of her as that - I just think of her by her name ). I wrote a short simple message asking for her permission to talk. She accepted.

It has been one of the most helpful and healing things I could have done. Parts of our conversations have been very difficult, eerie even, because our stories are so similar - he even used the exact same cruel vicious phrases. The paranoia was the same. The projection was the same. It was as if he had a dictionary or a script. She has been struggling badly since he broke up with her and is receiving regular therapy. She says hearing from me has been a revelation for her. She had been led to believe by him that his relationship with me had been perfect and that she must be the abusive hateful one, because if he had been capable of a successful relationship with me then everything that went wrong in their relationship was obviously her fault. I am glad I've been able to help her. My past pain doesn't feel so pointless now. At least I could use it for something good, to help another person.

We're talking regularly - but less and less about him. It turns out we get on pretty well in our own right. I always knew we had similar hobbies and professions, but I didn't realise how much we have in common. We can chat for hours. She's coming to visit in October and we're planning a hiking trip to the mountains. I look forward to it. It's been a weird twist to my story, but I feel like I finally have my ending.

[patientandclear]

Remarkable story. Thank you for telling it here, Balletomane. I think it may help members here for several reasons--first, as a reminder that things are often or usually not as they appear. I remember all the times you felt that, from the outside, their situation looked to be going so well. Also, how much of our pain is driven by our own self-doubt tracks in our heads. I remember your hurt feeling that she was somehow having a different experience because she was in some way "better" (read: more appealing to him) than you, but look, not so.

Finally, that realization that he says the same things to all the girls. It can hurt so much at first when it dawns on you that the sweet parts may not have been so unique as they felt at the time. But eventually it can be a relief to realize that the whole darn phenomenon including the painful disintegration is not unique.

I love the benign revenge entailed in the two of you becoming friends in your own right. Of all the possible justice scenarios that one seems the most delightful and good.  Much respect and warmth to you, B.

[VitaminC]

My past pain doesn't feel so pointless now. At least I could use it for something good, to help another person.

 

It's been a weird twist to my story, but I feel like I finally have my ending.

Thank you from me too for coming back and telling us the end of the story, and the beginning of another.

Chapters... .

Very healing.