Well
married21years, I can relate to a lot of what you say. It was 30+ yrs. for me wit a HFw .
An exw saying: ‘I will destroy everything what is precious to you, incl. your relationship with the kids!’.
And more than once that woman said so.
Indeed shortly after I became the rejected parent, since several yrs. now totally estranged from D at that time 19yrs old, with whom I had a great bond.
Result after several yrs. now S in fact too. A S who choose to stay with me, who I dragged trough this devastating experience, motivated as much as I could to finish his study, for whom I paid everything in these years.
Who’s ‘mom’ didn’t even attend 2times (really, 2 times) at his graduation.
A S who increasingly lied to me, who told ‘mom’ about my situation, who rejected more and more activities that he even invited me for (It didn’t suit his ‘plans’ became the excuse… )
Honestly, I wasn’t silent, I confronted S with it, I tried (as when he was a 4-6 yr. old) to explain, to let him see matters with a clear view as in other situations.
Seems that all I did was counterproductive.
Yes, He suffers deeply (still), few months postponing to decide, didn’t want to move his belongings, etc.
But the FOG towards ‘mom’ is THE chain that ties. Anyway, S lives with him ‘mom’ too now. Together with ‘moms’ mr Onslow-type (UK TV- character) of a 65-70 yrs old. One of whom S once said:
‘What do you think! I am ashamed for ‘mom’ with such an old and poor looking guy! Do you know how that feels?’ Understandable with such a ‘mom’, but it all hurts. (read: Understanding the Borderline mother)
Btw: the bloke is from the UK, imagine exw EU mainland, different languages… how deeply conversations can be…Kids can’t compete with these personalities as a parent, they loose, they are afraid, they unconsciously are used as soother to stabilize that parent, not being that trigger, etc.
Long before all break ups with Cluster B’s there was parentification involved. :)evastating !
Have a look at the blog of Dr. Craig Childress
https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2015/03/06/understanding-the-childs-experience/?iframe=true&preview=trueand go to “Guilt”
My family and my vow meant most to me and at my age one look back at ones accomplishments (even together with exw, how bitter that taste now) mortgage paid, all finances secured for that retirement date.
Even (again I taste some bitterness…) getting time for each other again as kids become independent.
Just simple grow old together, helping kids, being one day Grandparents and having that ‘boring’ simple Sunday
Gone,
married21years, gone as in your case. I relate and feel you.
As I have contact with some of her ‘intimae’ (well normal isn’t it when one knows each other for more that 3 decades) matters come out that astonish me (not surprisingly however, just saying history will repeat…), also they are receptive as they are now able to link a lot of the FOO.
