How do you stop the wishful thinking?

[MrsTrigger]

My head and heart are at war tonight. I find myself recalling all the things I love about him. Everything that made this connection different than any other. All the interests we had in common that made being married to him something I looked forward to the rest of my life. I don't forget the bad either. But I sit here and wonder how many flags do I need to see to let go of hope. My therapist said I give people too many chances. I wanted to give our relationship the necessary time for both of us to learn and make the necessary changes. I feel I am looking back not with 20/20 vision but with doubt and not trusting what my head tells me. I don't want to be separated and I'm having a hard time letting our marriage go. However I know if he came back, I would question his faithfulness to me and our marriage, especially since he disappeared and has been completely silent since early last week. The longest we have not communicated in any way before was only about 24 hours. I'm tormenting myself thinking that the only way he is able to stay silent this long is by already finding someone else to focus on. And then I get upset because I asking for someone to come back who has already moved on and I don't want that. I don't want to continue tormenting myself and heal but in my heart I don't want to let go of the good part of my husband. Just admitting this makes me realize that I feel so lost right now.

[Tibbles]

I don't think one every stops wishful thinking. As you say - it is that special connection, the good times that we want back so badly. The good part of our spouses that we miss so much. I never wanted to be separated or divorced. I too was going to spend my life with my best friend. But here I am, making the best of where I am,  and doing Ok at it for the most part.

All I have to offer is - time - that horrible word - time. I found the wishful thinking gets less intense and dampens with time. I left three years ago and am in such a better place now but I still get episodes of wishful thinking. When I have them its with a sadness and an acceptance that it will never be and sometimes I even find myself smiling at nice memories, often followed by a few tears .

I like this quote - "Sometimes the heart takes a little more time to figure out what the head already knows." It has helped me during difficult times, hope it helps you.


Hang in there, it does get better and easier, the intensity of these feelings dims and acceptance does come. It's just a hard road to travel and it sucks!

 

[gotbushels]

(... .) I find myself recalling all the things I love about him. (... .) Just admitting this makes me realize that I feel so lost right now.

Most humans (from what I gather) are optimists by nature. Here I mean that we tend to recall and dwell with more positive memories than negatives. That can be quite good as it helps us be happier. But, with relationships with BPs it can be quite unhealthy as you potentially ignore a lot of the bad for a little of the good. I felt this way in my relationship and my optimism enabled her to do some awful things before I took substantial positive action.

I think what might help during times like this is to be honest, write down both the things you liked and didn't like, and don't ruminate on it. Don't throw the paper away either (in fact, if you have a BPD as a partner, please hide it).

I felt lost like you. Lots. Basically at all the early recycles, which were in the dozens. You aren't alone. Take heart and I encourage you to be kind to yourself during this difficult time. 

Sometimes we have to do what's right to look after ourselves, sometimes that means removing ourselves from harmful situations. Whatever the outcome, at least you take a step forward in doing something for yourself. That gives you confidence. 

[NewTring]

Your breakup is fairly new.  I was in shock and denial at first and yes wishful thinking.  I still do sometimes.  My friend told me one thing at the time and it helped.  He said, "let it die day by day."

[Meili]

I too was a hopeoholic. At first, it kept me in depression and despair. I felt rejected.

Learning to use the hope to propel me out of that dark place and into a brighter future was key for me. It became my motivation to detach. It served as the fuel to power the postmortem of the relationship. It allowed me to facilitate changes within myself at a much accelerated rate. The curse became a blessing for me.

Can you think of any ways to take your wishful thinking and use it to your advantage?

[SoMadSoSad]

Give us your example mieli. Did you use the bettering yourself with hope you could have a better relationship if she came back?

[pjstock42]

I think it's human nature to think this way and I know that for me it will be something that stays with me for a long time. Why would you have gotten so deep into the relationship in the first place if there was no hope/faith that this was going to last? I feel like I'll forever wonder what could have been if she had worked on her issues or even just communicated openly with me and approached challenges in a mature manner rather than manipulating me and lying to me.

Not only did I have hope that I had found "the one", I had almost complete certainty of it. The thought of not being with her was something that was so far out of my mind, so far out of the realm of possibility that I never once considered it ever happening. It's my fault for thinking that I had such a sure thing and for ignoring red flags that I didn't even know were red flags at the time but all I can do about that now is prevent myself from falling into it in the future. I can't change this person, relationships take 2 people to work and she removed herself from that equation entirely so it's pretty much moot at this point.

Going from sharing almost every minute of every day with someone to never talking to them again in any capacity is certainly difficult and for me, was made more difficult by the fact that I never considered it to be a possibility. All that we can really do now is focus on improving ourselves, even though it is a long and slow process.

[Meili]

Basically yes, SMSS.

If the wishful thinking had become a reality back then, I would have only found myself in the very same situation that my x and I had before. The problems that I brought into the r/s would have still existed.

So, when I looked at it from the perspective of my wishful thinking, it made no sense to wish that the old r/s would come back because it would just be as doomed as it was the first time.

[MrsTrigger]

Meili, since he has made it a point to make himself unreachable, I think I'll be able to look at the relationship in a different light once I can find some closure on my own. Currently, I'm trying to wrap my head around him disappearing and the silent treatment, wondering if there is someone else now who is keeping him distracted and wondering if there is an added aspect to the situation that is causing him to be able to hold out so long. In reality, I know it is over. It is clear. I'm just irritated at myself sometimes because I want answers that I will not get. And if I do, the answers will probably be lies anyway. I feel with some more time, I'll be able to let it go.

I'm seeing that just as predictable are the BPD relationship stages, so are the stages of recovering.  No closure makes it much more difficult. I can find something thankful though. I'm thankful my marriage was less than a year and no children. I can't image how hard it would be adding in children or a longer term marriage.

[lovenature]

Try listing all the bad against all the good and see what it looks like.

Did he give you a reason to go NC for this time period?

It is very hard to get the heart to line up with the head; I stayed way longer than I should have with my exuBPDgf trying to make it work, hoping we could get to where it was a relationship that was worthwhile having; without years of therapy and commitment from both partners, a BPD relationship is not sustainable.

[Meili]

I can totally relate to wanting closure and answers that you'll never get from him. I went through the same thing. It took me about two months of almost obsessive thinking to figure out my answers and gain closure. That only happened once I accepted that the only person who could give me closure and answer my questions with any level of truthfulness was me.

I can tell you that once you have truly accepted the end of the r/s, it gets much easier.

[MrsTrigger]

lovenature, thank you for reminding me that it would take years of therapy and commitment from both of us for it to have a chance. I know this is best and I actually should have ended the relationship long ago. I had hope. I wanted to give therapy a chance first. It didn't take long after that to see only one was committed.

He didn't give a reason for NC however his biggest complaint was lack of trust on my part for what he does during episodes. I never had a chance to deal/heal with the wounds from the "hooker-gate" incident as the episodes continued in more severity and frequency. Plus he felt I was being his "handler" and a saboteur due to the ways to find/locate him during episodes when he would drink and be suicidal. He had enough of me "forcing" him to take responsibility. I actually understand. I applied alot of pressure (boundaries) and he didn't respond well. It made the issues worse. I feel he just had enough of the pain and disappeared.

Meili,  I am still obsessively trying to figure out answers and I know I can't continue tormenting myself. I am trying to force myself into different habits now and keep my mind busy on other tasks.

The intense pain and hurt I feel now from him leaving and a pending divorce is probably as close as I can relate to a pwBPD and how they feel intense pain from minor issues. I don't know how I could make it feeling like this regularly and I really do have compassion for how he has to go through life wanting love and dealing with BPD.