2 years out

[Startingafreshafter18yrs]

2 years no contact with my ex and do believe I've seen this mental disease for what it really is.
When I moved out after 18 years she gave my kids a choice of who to live with.
They chose me so she decided to throw the clothes at them and tome them to F off.
It's got that bad with my 17 year old now that she just walks past him in the street. I mean how can I comfort my kids when she does things like that.
I'm so heartbroken for them.

[Mutt]

Hi Startingafreshafter18yrs,



I'm sorry to hear that/ There must of been a reason why your kids chose to stay with you? That's sad to hear about S17. How many kids do you have? I'm guessing that S17 turned to you and was pretty upset? Do you have a T? Does your S17 have a T? It sounds like your S17 is split black. I recall my exBPDw splitting my SD black from time to time and she didn't split the other kids black. There was conflict between the two and the conflict the cause was often how my exBPDw was really harsh on SD.

[Dutched]

Very, very sorry to hear that!
I was more or less in a similar position with kids.

Making an appointment with a T seems to be advisable, but pick one who knows about cluster B.
Be there, be there as dad, give her space, hold her, etc.

A good book about it is “Understanding the Borderline mother”, by Christine Ann Lawson.
It is discussed in the literature section of the Board.

Please be very careful. You know your daughter, her emotions, reactions and most important now how receptive/ open she is of listening and/or reading about it (cluster B).
The love of you daughter is alive as it was!
I know, anger, unbelief is present too.

I made mistakes, in retrospect some big ones, by overseeing part of the bond between mother and son.
I mentioned BPD… that was wrong…
I mentioned several times inconsistency in mom, that was deflected…
I asked son why I had to drive to the dentist while he was staying with mom, mom being at home. Wrong…

His choice (16 y/o at that time) was to stay with me visiting mom about 2 days a week.
For that he was punished, directly or indirectly via me (as exw wanted to punish me in fact).

Although being deeply hurt by his mom (Not attending 2times at his graduation, and the list go’s on and on) the bond to ‘please mom’ was very strong, very strong.
(known is that kids are used by cluster B for parentification, to sooth, etc.)

As what I learned it seems that pwBPD spilt black the kid that is their eye apple.
The parent doesn’t seem to feel the same bond with the other kid/kids as it is not that receptive for that parent. 
So for me it is devastating to read your experience that all kids were split black!

Please don’t rule out the possibility that ex is punishing you… by ‘killing’ her kids…
When interested:  Medea / Medeia  in Greek mythology.
Meanwhile in psychology there are numerous descriptions of a Medea Complex   

[Ceruleanblue]

It's clear that this hurts you as their parent, but how are your kids dealing with it? Are they in therapy? Sometimes, kids that grow up in chaos are very well aware that one(or both) of the parents has a major issue. This is the case with BPDh's kids. When I met them, they never stopped telling me how crazy their Mother was, and now they've turned on BPDh. I like to think that all kids with PD parents aren't like this, however. One of BPDh's kids seems to try to be more fairminded, and he loves both parents, but seems to neither idealize them, nor castigate them. He stays more balanced in his views of them both. Of course, he deals with anxiety, and depression himself. None of us come out unscathed, but we can all work towards that. Therapy has really, really helped me in this.

[Startingafreshafter18yrs]

Thanks for the input people.
I really do believe that she's done everything to the kids to get back at me.
I mean within 2 weeks she moved on to my replacement and had a son within a year.
My sn 17 hasn't spoken to her for like 8 months now and I'm still even now trying to encourage him to speak to her... .I mean am I doing the right thing by doing that?
All kids need there mom surely.
I dunno I'm just so confused for them and don't know which way to turn.

[HoneyB33]

Remember that you're there for your kids, and you believe them. You see it.

My mother has BPD, and all I get from anyone that knows her is how "pitiful" she is. I had a friend pick up something from her once (do to NC and being out of state). She brought a friend to help, and that friend talked about how she was such a "sad old lady". I want to throw heavy objects at these people... .There is just so much that goes into explaining to people, and honestly, for me? I don't even get to really sit down with how I feel, because every five seconds it feels like someone else doesn't understand and is instead judging me. It's SO f**ked. And yes, even my father ONLY makes contact with me to tell me to call my mother.

So this is horrible for your kids, but they have you, and they have your understanding. You give them so much in this.

I don't think they need to speak to their mom if they don't want to. Yes, all children need their mother. No, not all children need their BPD mother. Truly and often, the BPD outweighs that. What I've known since I was young, is that yes, I want a mom. But I don't want the one that I have.

These people kill the connection. How strong does a disorder have to be to completely do that? Your kids are expressing that.

I tried for years to build any sort of relationship with my mother--and it was a complete waste of time. All relationships take 50/50. Parental relationships are different. They're supposed to be 100/0 and slowly progressing to a mutual respect and responsibility (50/50) as the child ages. But the problem you and your children are looking at is that instead mom is at 0 and so the child would have to do 100. It's not fair. It's wrong.

I'd say to let your kids decide what is best for them, and to focus on them. Get them the help and support they need. Get them a therapist who understands PD. This is not only going through abandonment, cruelty, rejection. This is going through blame, questions, and in world that largely doesn't understand PD's.

[NewTring]

It could be worse.

My friend's ex took his daughter to another country after 9 years of marriage.  Then after a few more years, she dumped the daughter in the streets.  Now my friend was able to gain full custody.  just nuts a mom can do that to her own children.