Broken into pieces

[Larmoyant]

It's 4am and I can't sleep. I just came here to respond and say thank you to all who have replied to my quite frequent posts lately, but all I can think of right now is all his devaluation. My hair, my face, my body, my mind, my career choice, now in ruins, my family, friends, my feelings, my thoughts, my character. Devalued. All of me. Who I am as a person. I'm broken. It's all just hit me full in the face. It's wrong, so very wrong and why? Sorry, I'll come back when I get it together.

 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm sorry you feel that way.  I understand how it feels to go to that dark place.

Right now I'm dealing with feeling totally worthless because my friends chose to have me stop seeing them rather than confront my ex about his continual harassment of me.  I guess I wasn't worth the trouble.  This whole wringer isn't great for your self-esteem. 

[lovenature]

Don't be sorry, it's understandable. I have existed for far too long as a broken empty shell of a person; things that used to be nothing to do have been a struggle, just getting up is a challenge most days.

The reason why is that they have a deep core shame and hate for themselves, along with intense emotions; both of which they can't rationally deal with so they project them onto their partner to sooth themselves. Remember, it is an awful mental illness, think of who you were before your BPD relationship and know that is who you are; nothing changes reality.
Recovery is not linear; I hope you feel better soon.  

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult right now. I'm guessing that ruminating may of kept you awake? Are you getting enough sleep? Thanks for sharing that, it helps to talk. Hang in there.

[Larmoyant]

Hi GEM, I’m sorry your friends aren’t standing by you. I’ve stopped telling my friends/family anything because they just don’t understand. My sister, for example, is just exasperated with the whole thing and says I should just accept that he’s volatile and go back with him! I’m not. They’ll be nothing left of me!

Hi lovenature, we sound similar. Your post led me to explore the concept of shame in pwBPD and it’s helped me get back on track. I'm on a mission to educate myself so I can understand. It feels empowering and has helped me depersonalize some of his behaviour, but many times the trauma of it stops me in my tracks. I can hardly bear to remember what I was before this relationship. I’m so very different now. Seriously wrecked. Sometimes I feel so defeated, but back to picking myself up. What other choice is there. Thanks for helping.

Hi Mutt, yes, I can’t seem to stop ruminating. It’s as if I’m obsessed! I don’t understand it because I was the one who left. Most people on here seem to have been abruptly discarded or cheated on, and to me that seems far more painful than ending it yourself. Yet I feel such a sense of loss. It’s six months now, but he’s been in regular contact until recently. It comforted me in some strange way, even though I kept rebuffing any of his attempts to reengage. I’m a bit confused with my own behaviour!

[married21years]

 

a lot of have hit rock bottom and recovered

a lot of us were driven down

we have all had to repair our self esteem

we have all managed it and you will too! 

we all thought we wouldnt but we all did

it is your journey and you will travel it at your speed but you will get there and we will be there to cheer you on

this is your place of safety and you matter!

[Larmoyant]

a lot of have hit rock bottom and recovered

a lot of us were driven down

we have all had to repair our self esteem

we have all managed it and you will too! 

we all thought we wouldnt but we all did

it is your journey and you will travel it at your speed but you will get there and we will be there to cheer you on

this is your place of safety and you matter!

Married, thank you so much. I'm in floods.

[married21years]

Married, thank you so much. I'm in floods.

i know and i wish i could hug you

we are all here for you

we will help any way we can  

[lovenature]

Hi Larmoyant, I too was the one who finally ended it, after a number of recycles; been NC on my end for almost 7 months now. While it is painful when they reach out and we know we must stay NC, I think the comfort we feel is due in part to a tiny flicker of hope still there (normal feelings for many).

I found learning about the disorder, FOO issues growing up-big part of why I accepted what I did and stayed as long as I did, and knowing many others are going through the same things have been very helpful for me.

I have found some of the most painful times for me have been recently; I think getting further through depression and closer to acceptance (hopefully). The further out the clearer things become, I would like to get back to the person I was before, but change my caretaker co-dependency traits I have had for so long.

Try to take it one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time), and continue to shift the focus to caring for yourself. I know it's tough, hang in there.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Larmoyant, I too was the one who finally ended it, after a number of recycles; been NC on my end for almost 7 months now. While it is painful when they reach out and we know we must stay NC, I think the comfort we feel is due in part to a tiny flicker of hope still there (normal feelings for many).

Hi lovenature, a major problem for me is my inability to go NC. I don’t tend to initiate conversations, but I can’t seem to stop responding to his attempts. It’s odd because when he does phone I hold on so tight to my truth, my perception, and no longer allow him to bulldoze me into accepting his warped reality , but I still can’t quite let go.

Like you I have depression and it’s pretty debilitating. I seriously have no life right now. I’ve been beaten down so far I fear getting back into the world. But like you learning and relating some of this to my FOO issues is helping.

Thanks for your support. We will get there.