Its never been this hard

[FallBack!Monster]

After what happened yesterday, um! feeling like someone put my head in the toilet, now my head is in the sewer.  It doesnt smell right.
I know im not in love with her, why do i think about her?  Im done with that life? Why do i feel angry? Why did she come? Why did i go over there? Why do i care? Why am i so damn different this time around? Why does she hate her body? Do i even care or am i obsess with the whole occurrence?

Too much. Just want this thing to not exist. And i returned it.

[Wize]

I know im not in love with her... . 

You're not? Are you sure? I still love my pwBPD and she's currently writing inflammatory emails to my lawyer accusing me of domestic violence and child abuse.  But yep, I still love her. I probably will for awhile.

How long has your relationship with your pwBPD been over?

[FallBack!Monster]

How long has your relationship with your pwBPD been over?

Tough question. Probably before i knew it. But for me, since the 1st day of this year.

[FallBack!Monster]

Tough question. Probably before i knew it. But for me, since the 1st day of this year.
[/quote]

I felt the exact same way at first. Then it gets easier. Then it gets confusing. The she pulls another move then one day, you're sure you didn't make a mistake

[heartandwhole]

Hi FallBack,

This grieving can be confusing, can't it? I know what you mean about knowing that you don't want to repeat what you've been through, but your mind still dwells on her and the possibilities. 

The obsessive thinking is frustrating, but totally normal. This is what happens during the grieving process. You are cycling through the stages of loss, and feeling anger is a perfectly valid place to be. Try to allow your feelings without getting caught up in stories, if you can (focus on sensations more than the thoughts that go with them).

Your body and mind need some time and self-care to balance out again. Distractions can help to calm the ruminating. Doing something you enjoy that requires some focus can reduce the "mind-carrousel looping quality" as well.

Hang in there. This is all part of the process. It's a tough ride, but well worth it on the other side.

heartandwhole