I want to be done...why does it hurt

[Oncebitten]

It has finally happened after 10 month, the last 6 of which have been a challenge I am ready to move on.  I can admit to the problems I caused in the relationship.  At the end after the.  ? breakup I spent time with another woman.  Despite thd fact that she cheated on me months before when we were together, my infidelity somehow out ranks hers.  I have been painted black and will never be able to remove that stain... .I have endured her push and pull for months... .every time the push crushing my heart.
I have been called every name she can think of, been told how I will never compare to her ex, told that I meant nothing at all and that she wishes me nothing but pain in the future.  The single worst experience of my life... .and yet right now my heart aches for her. ... .god what is wrong with me?
I woke up to a panic attack this morning missing her... .after reading a 5 page email about how awful I was I still miss her.  I long to call her right now, thankfully she has blocked my number.  Perhaps that will be the best thing she ever did for me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

In the end she was mad at me because I simply couldn't just be her friend... .been in love with her for months... .fought like hell to fix the damage I'd done... .but couldn't understand how painful it would be just to be friends.  Do they really detach from love that easily?

[NewTring]

Don't be friends.  Focus on no contact.

[Oncebitten]

That seems to be the consensus around here.  Regardless of what she said... .I have a feeling she will try to recycle me.

[SoMadSoSad]

She didn't detach from love she detached fRom infatuation. Love is too mature of an emotion for an immature individual to feel.

[Oncebitten]

Its funny you make that statement, they like to project.  The minute I didn't live up to being perfect is when she started accusing me of being the one with an infatuation.  And yet here I am having panic attacks when I miss her and I am sure she is on to her next victim

[Oncebitten]

I have to smile a little, I answered her last hateful email with nothing but kind words... .wished her well... despite her insistence of me being immature,  I never responded to her with hate or malice, not once did I call her a name... .did I get frustrated and angry and raise my voice... .yes... yell at her yes... .but never a ill word in her direction.  My yelling was always the result of her refusal to listen to logic.  But I can hold my head high, she called me everything you could call a man, typed and texted hate beyond comprehension.  But I stayed true to me, if you don't have anything nice to say didn't say anything at all.  Have always lived by that and never let her take that from me.  She may have gotten my self esteem but I can regain that, she had my love and undivided attention but that wasn't enough.  I miss her... .until I reread that email and then I don't anymore. 

[DreamerGirl]

They are the experts of double standards Oncebitten.

I'm 21 days free from the confusion and drama.  The dreams haven't ceased yet, I miss him so much, the pain takes my breath away.

I believe the best thing she has ever done for you is to block your number.  You now have a chance and the time to heal and find yourself again.  Find out, like me, what it was and why we were attracted to somebody who is bad for us?  Why, this is about us now.

The push and pull has wreaked havoc on my self esteem.  

I am focusing as best as I can that now there is no more push and pull.  I had become so used to the drama of never knowing whether he was happy or unhappy with me.  Love bombing me, or ignoring me.  I have walked on egg shells for so long now, it's such a strange feeling to just be me, not trying to work out if what I say or do will upset him.  I like this feeling of being who I used to be before him, but I still feel like a fish out of water at this stage.

  

[Oncebitten]

Dreamer

Double standards you aren't joking.  Like I said she cheated on me while we were together, but when she broke up with me and refused to talk to me and then I spent time with someone else I am forever labeled a cheater.  Yeah by blocking me she did me a favor... I know that because otherwise I'd miss her and be ready to try again. 

She wrecked my self esteem. ... hell I know that my body is completely out of balance because of the stress

The love bombing one day then completely ignoring you the next really messes with a person.  How can some be your entire world one day and then you act as if they are a stranger the next?

[NewTring]

Dream girl

I'm starting to find myself again after 2 months of nc.  And it feels good to heal.

I'm building my cabin, taking my son to amusement parks, chatting with a new girl.  I do miss her but it's not as sad.  

It was a weird kind of love where my ex was not accountable. Infatuation then?  If a person loves you, they should care to not hurt you.

Learning lesson for me is to let what's fair guide me when dealing with weirdos.

[DreamerGirl]

Oncebitten, exact same for me.

He ignored me, broke up with me and did whatever he wanted.  This was a couple of months ago.  Well, during this, I kissed another man.  I committed the biggest sin.  I was very lucky (haha) that he forgave me for betraying him.  This is the double standard.  Mine could sleep over at another single woman's house and not blind an eye. And how dare I question him, what an insult to insinuate that it was nothing but innocent... .It was honestly to the stage where I actually started to believe him, that it was just innocent. 

As hard as this is, I am so glad I am out and I have a chance now to heal and one day meet the man who is meant to be my future partner.

[Oncebitten]

Dreamer

Thats the amazing part of it all, they can convince you that what reality is, is wrong.  You start to believe them, your self worth becomes dependent on them.  I  used to be a strong confident man and she took all of that from me.  I found myself keeping my feelings to myself b/c I didn't want to upset her.  Even at the expense of my own emotional and mental health

[StayStrongNow]

To answer your original question of this post, I wanted to be done and it me hurt too.  The idealization stage was a tough one to accept forever gone but additionally I formed an addiction to her right at the start.

I have read how BPDs can show recklessness in their lives, including sex. My stbxBPDw was no exception to this. When I first met her she was the easiest lay I ever had in my entire life.

When the devaluation stage became more apparent so did the words from her say "just go wack it". I was so addicted that even after repeatedly beating me, actually arrested with multiple charges of DV and various other dangerous rage episodes I would go back for sex. My last time was 9 months ago when I finally gained some sense of mental clarity and stopped that insanity on my part.

It's hard to let go, you saw the best and the worst and you hope for a return of the best but the writing is on the wall if you are now on this message board. Keep posting, keep reading and keep living, this will pass.

[Oncebitten]

I hate this... .after what she has said to me in the last few days I should have no problem walking away ... and yet after all the abuse... .name calling. ... false accusations... .I miss her.

[bus boy]

Hi Oncebitten, there's nothing wrong with you. The NPD/BPD get in our head and wreaks havoc on our emotions. In my way of thinking and we all think different, the tools we use for recovery are pretty much the same, it's how we use them to suit our recovery that's different. What works for me might not suit you. What worked for me to loose that empty, hopeless feeling was nc. I share a child with my ex but nc works good for me to get free of her emotional destruction. It's bare minimum contact. Works very well for me, it gives me the room I need to grow and it makes her worse, so she, in her warped thinking tells me nothing of our son and in her twisted brain she is revenging me but she is breaking the court order on a very regular basis so I've learned how to use her NPD/BPD against her without saying a word, without letting her back in my head. Great for me bc court is coming up and it gives me lots of rent free space in her brain. So I must ask, why would you read a 5 page email from your ex? If you don't share children, get down on your knees thank god and drink a bottle of holy water. Don't agonize your self, block her, NC is the stepping stone to recovery. It's hard I know. Delete her emails, stay off Facebook. Do what it takes and the rest will fall in place. This is what worked for me.

[DreamerGirl]

Oncebitten, I understand the missing, I really do, because I feel it everyday.   As much as I miss him, or the parts of him that made me feel good, I also am beginning to understand that just because we miss someone, that doesn't mean they are right for us.

I am now on day 22. I sound like an addict, counting the days since my last hit.  And, that is really how it is, I have lost the highs he gave me.  He also gave me the lowest lows I have ever felt.  Now, at the moment, because I am feeling so low, I can't really appreciate that one day soon, I will not have the lows any more.  When I feel more stable emotionally, hopefully within the next few weeks, I truly believe I will feel the peace and calmness that I need.  We can do this, I know we can, day by day.

[Oncebitten]

Dreamer & Bus Boy

I continue to go back and forth between what I want.  Part of me says its broken, and what we had can never be fixed.  But part of me wants her back, that we indeed can put the pieces back together.  We have been through so much due to our circumstances and we have always gotten through it and come out better.  And I feel like if we could get past this we would be really great together.  I broke down and sent her and email, her feelings for me haven't changed and she still wants to be together, but isn't sure how to move forward.  We are going to take some time apart and talk in a week or so and see if we can figure this out. ... I know you both will tell me not too... .and maybe I should just let go... .just still want to be with her so badly

[Lilyroze]

OnceBitten,

Since you wrote me am addressing here then can address all you wrote hope that is Ok. If you need more feel free to write back in the other.

You have a lot in the mix here with emotions and who is responsible for what.  So I think at the heart of it all she is insecure about your relationship when you are with her, apart from her and now.

So a good start might be the book stop walking on eggshells, and the The high conflict couple if so inclined to delve further for help, insight and even more tools to deal with the relationship. The other tools and validating are here as well. Have you read them? What do you think of them? Have you had the chance to try them before she blocked you?

Now look within first before concentrating on her and see what is fulfilling in this relationship for you? What needs work? I know you said you feel love and not lust and think she does as well, already to me.

A step further if you do have attachment issues is she comforting of that or not? Does she make you feel loved, valued and validated? Is she willing to get help as well?

Does she have any hobbies or things that give her self esteem? How about yours or your goals? Can you concentrate on them now, while blocked and become more centered, more self compassion towards your self and heal while working towards this again?

I should not be encouraging on the detached if you want to start another on a different board if you have a different goal in mind like you wrote. Then do that and we can go from there, and you will get lots of input from ones who are on your path.

Otherwise for detaching take the NC, blocked time to explore and heal  you.

  you can do this either path you chose. It is up to you.