The two faces of hope

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi Detaching Board members  

hope; n. : a. The longing or desire for something accompanied by the belief in the possibility of its occurrence ~ American Heritage Dictionary

I've been thinking a lot about hope recently, and how it affects our efforts to detach from relationships that are not working anymore. I remember when hope "died" for me, and I remember it as a very painful, yet ultimately a very positive occurrence, because I felt that it set me free to change and grow.

However, most psychological literature views the cultivation of hope as beneficial. In many life situations, having hope for a better future is extremely important. In the context of detaching from a pwBPD, though, it can keep us stuck, because we can use it as a crutch to avoid facing the facts about our relationships and feeling the uncomfortable emotions that  set in as we accept our situation.

In my detachment process, it seemed that radical acceptance was the key to false hope dying. The moment I saw the reality of what I was dealing with and faced it, my hope that things would get better (if I jumped through enough hoops) just dissolved. That was the moment that got me to turn again toward the only person I could help (myself) and to take different actions toward the fulfillment of my desires and needs.

How do we recognize and let go of (false) hope? Is it something we can "do?"

In the context of our detachment process, when is it beneficial and when does it hurt us?

What is the relationship between hope and radical acceptance, if any?

I hope you will help me understand this by sharing your experiences and thoughts.  

heartandwhole

[heartandwhole]

Hi Detaching Board members  

hope; n. : a. The longing or desire for something accompanied by the belief in the possibility of its occurrence ~ American Heritage Dictionary

I've been thinking a lot about hope recently, and how it affects our efforts to detach from relationships that are not working anymore. I remember when hope "died" for me, and I remember it as a very painful, yet ultimately a very positive occurrence, because I felt that it set me free to change and grow.

However, most psychological literature views the cultivation of hope as beneficial. In many life situations, having hope for a better future is extremely important. In the context of detaching from a pwBPD, though, it can keep us stuck, because we can use it as a crutch to avoid facing the facts about our relationships and feeling the uncomfortable emotions that  set in as we accept our situation.

In my detachment process, it seemed that radical acceptance was the key to false hope dying. The moment I saw the reality of what I was dealing with and faced it, my hope that things would get better (if I jumped through enough hoops) just dissolved. That was the moment that got me to turn again toward the only person I could help (myself) and to take different actions toward the fulfillment of my desires and needs.

How do we recognize and let go of (false) hope? Is it something we can "do?"

In the context of our detachment process, when is it beneficial and when does it hurt us?

What is the relationship between hope and radical acceptance, if any?

I hope you will help me understand this by sharing your experiences and thoughts.  

heartandwhole

[zonnebloem]

 

Hoping is living in the future.

[Hopeful83]

Great questions!

How do we recognize and let go of (false) hope? Is it something we can "do?"

In the context of our detachment process, when is it beneficial and when does it hurt us?

What is the relationship between hope and radical acceptance, if any?

This may sound a bit controversial, but in my case I just *had* to have a little bit of false hope at the beginning, as the reality of the situation was way too much for me to process in one big chunk. It was largely a subconscious process, but I remember that even though I *knew* it was all over (he was engaged within weeks of us breaking up) and that there was no going back, there was part of me that held onto a bit of hope, and the truth is that hope helped me through those first few months, even though I knew it was just wishful thinking. I think it was self-preservation in a way. I was in such a bad state for the first six months or so, and that teeny bit of hope that I needed to cling onto at times helped. It wasn't my focus, though - my focus was on myself and trying to heal the pain.

As I was able to come to terms with what happened, the hope slowly faded away and was replaced with a far more realistic view of what went down and the situation as it stood.

I think that as long as we are focusing on ourselves, a little bit of hope isn't a bad thing, as it can soothe us a bit. I *knew* deep down that my ex wasn't going to realise his mistakes, heal himself and come and tell me the truth of what had transpired in the space of a few months. In fact, I now realise that will probably never happen in his entire lifetime. But sometimes, I needed to give my brain that respite - a break - as reality was way too much for me to handle. Over time, though, I was able to face up to reality more and more, and the hope just dissipated on its own.

[fromheeltoheal]

How do we recognize and let go of (false) hope? Is it something we can "do?"

Real hope can become a dream, which can become a goal, which can become a plan, which can become reality.  False hope is hope in a fantasy, something that could never become real.  In my case it took until the reality of what was going on was so radically different from what I "hoped" it would be that it shook me enough to get through, and I had to accept that my hope was false hope.  So in my case it was external circumstances that led me to that recognition, although it could have happened sooner had I stepped down from the clouds and looked around.

In the context of our detachment process, when is it beneficial and when does it hurt us?

Holding onto hope is beneficial, if it's real hope, holding on to false hope is not beneficial, and to the extreme it's delusional.

What is the relationship between hope and radical acceptance, if any?

Radical acceptance is the acceptance that real hope has become false hope, and how much that hurts depends on how much emotional investment we had in that hope.

I hope you will help me understand this by sharing your experiences and thoughts. 

See, now that's real hope!

[Mutt]

Hi heartandwhole,

When I think of the context of hope, I think about not giving up hope that things will work out. For example, I felt like there was emotional pain that was not necessarily related with the break-up, it felt overwhelming and at times I wasn't sure but I had faith that things will eventually get better, it was a matter of time and working through the pain.

Now if I think of or false hope in the r/s, I think of doing the same things over again and expecting different results, crazy making behaviors. I really tried but my exuBPDw expected that I make her happy but I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, we have to be happy with ourselves. I recognize crazy making behaviors not and if it doesn't work the first or second time , don't keep repeating  and trying something different.

That said, I stuck it out hoping that things would eventually get better but if the other person doesn't want to try there's nothing more that I can do to save a relationship if the other person doesn't want or can't try, never lose faith that things won't get better after exiting the relationship because it will with time.

[once removed]

great topic and questions   heartandwhole.

i had reunion fantasies and rejection fantasies. reunion fantasy being that my ex really was my soulmate, we belonged together, i would get better, she would get better, god would lead us back together. not delusional, not impossible, but a huge stretch. at the same time, i wanted to get better and move past her, but i fantasized about her returning and me rejecting her. like   hopeful83, i think so much of this was self preservation.

it was all hope, and it was also my way of preserving the attachment because i wasnt ready to let go. in my case i dont look back and see a moment or a method, but a process. that process included reality testing in several forms: recognizing that my fantasies were fantasies and improbable. reminding myself that somewhere inside of me, they were not what i wanted, and working toward identifying and moving toward what i did want. and of course radical acceptance. radical acceptance doesnt preclude hope of course. radical acceptance is about accepting things as they are (reality), not as we wish them to be, but that doesnt necessarily preclude wishing they were different. like   fromheeltoheal said, it depends on our emotional investment in said wish/hope.

How do we recognize and let go of (false) hope? Is it something we can "do?"

if there is a concrete step, perhaps it is to fully grieve our loss and the loss of our hope. if we inhibit our grief, or dont fully grieve, it prolongs our grief, and in some cases therefore our (false) hope.

[william3693]

Good topic  Heartland

I think that as Once removed stated I have false hope as a form of self preservation.
I do not want to face the pain of the grief I may experience.
I do not have an intergration of my intellect and my heart or emotion.
Have trouble seeing it as something cannot be fixed even though I know it to be the case.
I "know" there is no hope yet I do not at some level, if that makes sense.

[heartandwhole]

So much wisdom on these boards  Thank you for your replies. Lots of interesting input!

This is what I'm getting from your posts:

1) We can use hope as a form of self-preservation.

As  Hopeful83 says, it can be a way to ease into managing the feelings that come up as we start to see the (unwanted) reality before us. This sounds like a constructive influence, even if the hope doesn't seem to be grounded in reality, and even as we are aware of that.

2) Recognizing false hope and reality testing are very helpful in our recovery process.

  Fromheeltoheal describes how he compared his "hoped for" reality with his "actual" reality, and concluded that they were radically different. This helped him see that he was dealing with false hope. I think this also implies an inventory of past behavior, patterns of behavior, and logical projection into the future to reach that conclusion. In other words, we have to use our noggins when engaging in the reality testing that  once removed describes. I think this is very helpful, because in the throes of impending loss and the resulting pain, our emotions often get the better of us. Reality testing gives us another tool to assess and investigate the thoughts and beliefs that are either helping or undercutting our detachment process.

3) Beneficial hope appears to be related to self-agency.

  Mutt gives the example that when he realized that his partner wasn't interested in changing her behaviors or the dynamic between them, there was not much room for hope that things would improve to the point that he could remain in the relationship. I think this is an important point because scientific literature suggests that hope + action toward a goal is very beneficial. Sometimes hope is not motivational or "propulsive," though. It's that kind of (passive) hope that most resembles a "dream," (e.g., false hope) and which may hold us back from taking action to change our circumstances.

4) Fully grieving the loss may help us let go of false hope.

This is very interesting because it seems that we can't fully grieve until we accept the loss in the first place. Which means we accept the loss of hope (that the relationship will return to something good), too. And maybe vice versa: when we accept that there is no hope for things to go back to what they were, we are able to then begin the full grieving process.  once removed, I like the way you refer to this as a process, not necessarily any one thing that we do (if we can even "do" it).

5) Hope has a future focus.

  Zonnebloem put it well: "Hoping is living in the future." A future focus can take us out of the present, where the only moment of awareness, acceptance, and choice exists.

*

Have I missed anything? Does anyone else have thoughts, questions, or experiences to share?

How are you dealing with hope in your detachment process?


heartandwhole

[heartandwhole]

I think that as Once removed stated I have false hope as a form of self preservation.
I do not want to face the pain of the grief I may experience.
I do not have an intergration of my intellect and my heart or emotion.
Have trouble seeing it as something cannot be fixed even though I know it to be the case.
I "know" there is no hope yet I do not at some level, if that makes sense.

william3639, yes, it makes a lot of sense, especially given what I am learning about hope here. You have touched on almost everything that the members have posted.

So, perhaps one part of you (knowing) is actively moving toward change, which can be really hard, and the other part (hoping) is comforting you along the way. What do you think? Which one has the strongest hold on you, do you think?

[fromheeltoheal]

I do not want to face the pain of the grief I may experience.

Yes, holding onto hope is self preservation in that sense william, and getting from a sliver of hope to no hope at all is a huge leap, although it doesn't take any work, you just let go.  One way to look at it is which would be more painful in the long term, keeping hope alive for a relationship that ended, or letting go, grieving and processing the loss now?

I do not have an intergration of my intellect and my heart or emotion.

Yes, that is common at the end of these relationships, our heart and our head disagree.  You sound like you realize your head is right, so best to follow that right now, your heart will protest, and as you grieve the loss and move forward with your detachment, your heart will eventually catch up to your head, better and stronger than ever.

[william3693]

In regard to which has the stronger hold on me knowing or hoping, I think this is very dependent on my mood
and/or situation at the time.At this time I would say hoping as I would most likely respond to a call
or email.Times when I would not respond then knowing would be the stronger.

That is a problem in that my thinking can change with my mood and circumstances.
It is one of my big frustrations in dealing with this issue

[drained1996]

"it was all hope, and it was also my way of preserving the attachment because i wasnt ready to let go. in my case i dont look back and see a moment or a method, but a process."

once removed... .My experience was the same, it wasn't a  that went off in my head, it was the overall process that finally allowed my acceptance... .I can clearly look back on my journey now, and see the turning point though... .it was when I began to take ME into account.  Over time I began to put more emphasis on bettering myself, understanding my role not only in my BPD relationship, but in life itself.  My hope was never really lost, I just shifted my vision of hope through radical acceptance.  My hope is for MY happiness.

[once removed]

I can clearly look back on my journey now, and see the turning point though... .it was when I began to take ME into account.  Over time I began to put more emphasis on bettering myself, understanding my role not only in my BPD relationship, but in life itself.  My hope was never really lost, I just shifted my vision of hope through radical acceptance.  My hope is for MY happiness.

its really all about that timeless advice of turning the focus toward ourselves 

[zonnebloem]

 

for not to give someone false hope, you can say: I wouldn't hold my breath

[joeramabeme]

Great post and responses.  I see a certain Zen quality to this question.  Hope is in the future and Acceptance is in the now.

When we leave these relationships, the reality constructed in the past is radically different than the reality of the moment.  I think of it as taking the “Blue Pill” like Neo did in the movie The Matrix.  He left the program of the Matrix and entered the "Real World".  It took a while for his character to adjust and he couldn’t accept the truth immediately. I can identify when he is chucking it up on the floor saying “it can’t be”.

That said, I see False Hope (and regular hope) as a function of time; belief in a future occurrence, not in the present.  So one of the questions becomes, how long does it take to come into the Now of our reality; she is no longer here, does not want a relationship, doesn’t share the feelings I do etc.  For me, it has been a gradual non-linear process coming into the now of; waking up in the morning in an empty bed, seeing household items she purchased and cherished and knowing she now could care less, knowing that she is presently with someone else.  That is the Now of my experience and it takes time to de-program the constructs of the past which was previously our Now.

The question that immediately came to my mind from reading this post is; does the use of the term False Hope in this post imply that the pwBPD can never get better?  I think it does.  I know this is not the clinical party-line, but it is the most likely truth of what we are telling ourselves.

False Hope is the belief that our pwBPD will recover.  They almost definitely never will and as soon as we can accept that, false Hope will begin to end and we will enter a new Now.  And as HeartandWhole said, that is when we get in the present with the only person who is still with us... .

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello heartandwhole,

I hope that the "partner" I am detaching from will meet a nice lady.
Since I've been putting his needs first, the "nice lady" will take care of him.

[heartandwhole]

I see a certain Zen quality to this question.  Hope is in the future and Acceptance is in the now.

joeramabeme, I'm so glad you brought this up, because I had been feeling something similar and wasn't really articulating it, I think. I agree wholeheartedly with your statement above, and there is also another Zen quality that is evoked when I ponder this question, and that is attachment and non-attachment. I feel that there is a kind of "attached" hope and a "non-attached" hope, which have different feeling qualities. The attached hope feels to me more like expectation or even need, whereas the non-attached hope feels open and peaceful and, well, not "sticky." When the focus became me and what I needed to give myself, then what pwBPD was doing was irrelevant, and with time, I actually felt warmth and a hope that he was happy in his relationship and life. But only because "I" was out of the picture (the one with him in it).

Does any of that make sense?

The question that immediately came to my mind from reading this post is; does the use of the term False Hope in this post imply that the pwBPD can never get better?  I think it does.  I know this is not the clinical party-line, but it is the most likely truth of what we are telling ourselves.

That is really interesting and I don't know. Is it the belief that pwBPD can never get better, or just that they are not better now? In other words, they way things are, here and now, just aren't working for me. And since I can only live here and now, I can't know that my future now will be any different... . 

Would love to hear your perspective on this!

heartandwhole

[drained1996]

"Is it the belief that pwBPD can never get better, or just that they are not better now? In other words, they way things are, here and now, just aren't working for me. And since I can only live here and now, I can't know that my future now will be any different."


I'll chime in here as this seemed to be the core issue of what kept me in my r/s so long.  My pwBPD was in therapy for about 1.5 years... .knowing she had issues and really wanting to fix them.  This is where my "false hope" kept me plugging along, my hope she could get better... .but what does "better" really mean? Fixed? Healed? Remission?  
I think those three are really not an option for a BPD.  "Better" means they regulate with more consistency, "better" means less frequent outbursts and maybe even less dramatic.  So... .what that means is hell can improve, but it will still be hell, just with less intensity and less frequency.  Hell isn't where anyone wants to live so I came to Joe's conclusion

"does the use of the term False Hope in this post imply that the pwBPD can never get better?  I think it does.  I know this is not the clinical party-line, but it is the most likely truth of what we are telling ourselves."

False hope to me is when you have hope that in this case hinged on someone else doing something to better themselves to make me feel better.  Oh yeah, and that someone else suffers from a mental illness.  It's false to think they can or will fix themselves for us or even them.
I had to keep hope... .but redirect it with radical acceptance of the above statement.  Hope is never false hope when it's hope for your own future and happiness and you take the direction of taking care of YOU.  

[C.Stein]

Hope is intrinsically fantastical in and of itself.

[joeramabeme]

joeramabeme, I'm so glad you brought this up, because I had been feeling something similar and wasn't really articulating it, I think. I agree wholeheartedly with your statement above, and there is also another Zen quality that is evoked when I ponder this question, and that is attachment and non-attachment. I feel that there is a kind of "attached" hope and a "non-attached" hope, which have different feeling qualities. The attached hope feels to me more like expectation or even need, whereas the non-attached hope feels open and peaceful and, well, not "sticky." When the focus became me and what I needed to give myself, then what pwBPD was doing was irrelevant, and with time, I actually felt warmth and a hope that he was happy in his relationship and life. But only because "I" was out of the picture (the one with him in it).

Does any of that make sense?

Yes, it does make sense.  Well thought out.  I am internalizing this as there is a certain amount of hope that is about me and another that is not about me; LOL, it is ALL ABOUT ME!   

But seriously, yes, I get the sticky kind of hope you are referring to.  Think I need to sift through it some as it feels like you are referring to a form of Hope that could be a goal oriented process - such as I hope to get back to school.  Versus a hope that is dependent on external circumstances that are outside of my control - will she come back to me.

Not to muddle the discussion too much, but to continue through our thoughts; I think society promotes the idea of Hope through externalities; for example religion - the hope for a better life after death.  Perhaps there is even a certain survival element to hope - the fantasy kind... .

The question that immediately came to my mind from reading this post is; does the use of the term False Hope in this post imply that the pwBPD can never get better?  I think it does.  I know this is not the clinical party-line, but it is the most likely truth of what we are telling ourselves.

That is really interesting and I don't know. Is it the belief that pwBPD can never get better, or just that they are not better now? In other words, they way things are, here and now, just aren't working for me. And since I can only live here and now, I can't know that my future now will be any different... . 

Well, I guess it is a little of both.  Going back to the hand of God reference; can you experience a miracle healing?  I think it is possible.  But it is not something I can control so while good to have hope (as it can be positive) it is also good, perhaps better, to have a self focused hope that can be controlled. 

All of this a bit too deep into semantics, but I get your point.  There is just some overlap here where, the hope we all naturally express and have, may not be a hope that we should count on for our pwBPD.

Thanks Heart and Whole, that was pretty awesome.

[tryingsome]

Hope Is the (often misguided) belief without proof.
I hope they love me.
I hope they appreciate me.
I hope they change.
I hope my life gets better.

Hope has no action. It is just a thought that should be a motivator to action but it is often just a shackle for our inability to make changes (both externally and internally).