I'm sabotaging my relationship again

[Nola68]

Hi there,
I am so happy I found this board. I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD but I meet all of the criteria. In the past I attributed by failed dating and relationships to meeting the wrong men but there appears to be a pattern in my fear of abandonment. I'm dating a new guy as always, the first date was incredible! We've only been one date but we communicated for one month before the actual date. It's been a week since the date and he calls or text everyday but I can feel myself falling into the same trap where I think he may not like me as much as he says. I've already started the emotional tug of war and I'm sure he is getting confused. He is beginning to consume my thoughts and find myself beginning to get a bit clingy. I want to stop before I push him away. I need some help, I need some ways to cope with what I am feeling. Do I tell him I think I am BPD? I think he will run... .

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hlinthewiking]

This sounds odd. Do you meet the criteria about lack of empathy? Just the case of you coming here and saying that is very rare since people with BPD rarely think they have a problem.

BPD is mostly about unstable and uncontrollable emotions and pwBPD aren't the only ones with fear of abandonment, in fact most codependents also do.

I'm a bit like this in relationships but I usually try to hold a bit and even though I feel like I'm being clingy, no one has ever complaint it to me, did he say anything to you?

What have you done other then being clingy? What do you mean by "tug of war"? This sounds like lack of self worth/love.

[motherhen]

This board is mainly to support the loved ones of those with BPD. I'm rather new myself so I am unsure of their policy on BPD members or if there is a board more suited to your situation.

I think you should take it slow and just be friends with the guy for a while. I wouldn't tell him you think you have BPD because it isn't diagnosed at this time. It would be wise to see a therapist and ask if you fit the criteria.

Back to the guy, just have fun and live your life in other ways to keep your mind occupied. Even if you feel super invested at this time, realistically one date and 5 weeks of talking isn't a huge deal. It may or may not end up being a long term relationship whether you are BPD or not.

Many people with BPD are quite accepting of the fact that they may have this disorder and agreeable to therapy. Especially compared to those with other personality disorders like NPD who would *never* see it as being a problem with them.

[Hlinthewiking]

Never the less Nola68, just the fact that you are aware of this and is seeking help is a HUGE leap, you deserve congratulations and you should be proud.

That first step is the hardest one, admitting that you have a problem.

Here are some steps that may help you.

1. Find a therapist, BPD is manageable and there is great improvement after treatment.

2. If you find yourself feeling deep negative emotions or you feel you are about to loose it, remember that you have a condition and because of that, not everything you think or feel may be the actual truth in the real world, once your emotions quiet down, you may see it with a clearer mind. Yelling at a pillow and crying are great ways to vent out emotions you are being overwhelmed with.

3. You seem to be really liking this guy, but you definitely don't know him well enough after such short time and after seeing him only once, this is idealization and if you don't realize this it will likely lead to devaluation. Remember that no one is perfect and that it is ok not to be perfect, evaluate with you see and notice on him and what you are connecting dots that may not exist or jumping the gun.

Being surprised is much better then being disappointed but that doesn't mean you have to be pessimist, quite the opposite.

4. Don't deceit and mislead him, but don't jump the gun either, if he asks what you are feeling and if he notices you are acting out, be honest with him, you can talk about what you feel (the symptoms/emotions, not the BPD, unless you have been properly diagnosed)

I'm also new here so I also don't know if there are rules about this, but I do know that people here are very nice and willing to help, I'm sure people can give you support here and you may grasp the side of the coin from the people here that have/had a relationship with a pwBPD.

These are my suggestions, I'm not a therapist and I have no data to back this up, I just wanted to help and I think these things may help you.

I got surprised because my girlfriend (or ex, not sure at this point) would never do what you are doing, she does horrible things to me and never takes account for it, despite all my efforts and suffering, she has little to no empathy towards me. If she thinks I take too long on the shower or too long to answer her for example, she will punish me and no matter what I say or do she won't resent it and will feel empowered by my so called mistakes.