Lil Rocky
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 33
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« on: July 25, 2016, 01:55:51 AM » |
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Hello. Been lurking in here for the past 3 months. I decided to join to hopefully get some insight and advice. I suspect I may have BPD. I've had trouble maintaining friendships/ relationships. All were online and never in person. I haven't seen a therapist for a diagnosis as I have trouble not only trusting people but doctors as well.
My 3 1/2 year online friendship with a woman ended almost 2 weeks ago. We both met in Myspace and had been emailing each other. No calls or texts and we never met in person at all. To this day, I never knew her last name, where exactly she lived or what she did for a living. In the beginning our emails were normal to flirty/ very explicit. We had alot in common, were both lonely and struggled with our daily lives. I've talked to women before but not like this woman. She seemed like the perfect match for me. I did notice she would get upset over small things but I thought nothing of it and maybe she had some bad days. Other times, she showed kindness. One time, an elderly gentleman was on the subway with her and she offered him her seat. When I was down she was supportive.
We had a total of 4 arguments during the 2nd to 3rd year of our friendship. I'm ashamed to admit it but I started all of them. 3 of them I initiated contact and apologized. I tried to set boundaries when we didn't speak however I caved and my codependency got the best of me. Whenever we argued, we never called each other any names.
What concerned me the most about her was after our 2nd argument, she started to complain more often, had rapid mood swings, throw tantrums about a lot of things in her life, her family, her co-workers, admitting to yelling and arguing with strangers on the street (she even said one time while shopping she was close to cutting a lady at a store with a knife in her purse if she pushed her too far). She also complained about getting up early and going to work. It was draining but I tried to be as supportive as much as possible. Other times, our conversations were relaxing and mellow. During this period is when I started my codependency.
Alot of things happened in her in the beginning of this year, (pet died, more family problems and job problems). She mention while her let was sick that she was more attached to animals than humans. It was strange because I did feel the same way. I tried to be stable for her. Unfortunately, I couldn't. My personal life wasn't great and started to get worse (parents separated, had a family member in the hospital, lost my job) and I suffered a nervous breakdown. My behavior was erratic and not normal for me during that time. She told me she was getting uncomfortable with me... .It hurt and I understood so we didn't talk for almost a month. I started taking an antidepressant after my breakdown. After I apologized for my behavior, she informed me she disliked me throwing tantrums, complaining and my behavior made her uncomfortable. I was still recovering from my breakdown so instead of explaining and standing up for myself, I didn't say anything and tried to keep the peace between us. That's when things started to get worse.
She went ghost on me for 2 weeks. I kept messaging her because I was worried. Radio silence on her end. She finally responded. She was cheerful and said she had been seeing a guy she only knew a week and a half. She told me the gritty details about what they did. Still recovering from my breakdown I said I was glad she found happiness. She told me she wasn't in a relationship but she had needs and it was no-strings-attached. Another week goes by and again, she went out with this guy and tells me more gritty details. I didn't say anything. A few days went by, I finally had the courage to ask her why she is doing this, why didn't she acknowledge my feelings and what is really going in her personal life. She confessed saying her life is wrong, her family treats her badly, she's suffered from extreme loneliness and the guy she messed around with hasn't texted to her much and she started to fall for him but was fighting it. I tried to be supportive and accepted her flaws and all. Foolishly, I said that she may be suffering from BPD. She got angry, rightfully so. I shouldn't have said that. I apologized and tried to maintain contact with her, however, I couldn't handle what was going on in her life and mine. I suggested it would be a good idea for both of us to take a break from each other.
The break didn't last long. Only 40 days. My emotions acted up. I got so upset and initiated contact. We had a heated argument and I told her what has been bothering me all these past few months. I said that I felt used throughout the entire friendship, it didn't feel like a friendship, that it was one-sided and had a feeling She was talking to other guys. She retaliated and got defensive. She blamed me for not being a true friend and said she told me all that because that what friends are for, to tell each other everything. She said I was never her be and what I told her doesn't make me right or blameless and she didn't do anything wrong and that and I needed to face reality. She brought up my erratic behavior from my breakdown and said she doesn't trust me anymore after that. She was still angry because I told her she may be mentally ill. She said she had enough and didn't wanna talk to me and ended our friendship. She also said the way I am would make people not want to be around me. It hurt but she was absolutely right. She told me farewell. I emailed back and said that I wasn't afraid to lose her anymore and asked if we were just friends, why did we sent those explicit emails to each other in the beginning of our friendship. I apologized and took responsibility for my part but she responded only saying not to message her anymore.
The 1st few days, I've was splitting her and feeling the effects of the friendship ending. I do blame myself for having no control over my emotions, not being supportive or stable enough. I shouldn't have diagnosed her since I'm not a doctor and as I've never met her in person however I feel deep down she may have BPD. I want to respect her wishes and stay NC. I don't want to upset/ push her away more. I've been trying move on with my life, work and focus on myself to be better and exercise. I also have been talking to friends I lost touch with. Unfortunately, they haven't talked to me much so I'm more lonely than before. I'm also prepared that she she may never reach out to me or never return again. I'll be honest I've been thinking about her alot and feel extremely bad for not being good to her, I have taken responsibility and admit I was wrong. I've been trying to let go of her but it's been hard because I was so close to her and never felt like this with anyone.
My question is, will she come back/ initiate contact with me after enough time has passed or when she gets lonely or depressed? She gets that way sometimes especially around thanksgiving and x-mas. I know not to expect it or have hope for it. I miss her a lot already and I would love to try again in the future. I know it's dumb of me to even think about going back to her. However, I feel deep down she is a good person with a good heart and soul. I don't want to give up on her as a lot of people in her life has disappointed her. Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent and try to give as much information as I could.
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